Earl Harry James Potter: Chapter 2
Oct. 15th, 2010 12:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zelda_queenZeldaQueen: Hullo folks, let's continue on our trek through this pile of fail!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 2
In the early morning hours, family members and friends of Sirius Black were gather together
ZeldaQueen: Gathered!
to hear his last will & testament
ZeldaQueen: You know, it's bad form to not write out "and" in your narration.
in one of the conference rooms at Gringotts. The account manger to the Black family Ranglock brings out the globe reading.
ZeldaQueen: And how kind of this Ranglock fellow, to show up out of nowhere, just to do a globe reading!
Ranglock announces to the room "Everyone here to hear the last will & testament of Lord Sirius Orion Black through the astro-projection globe." Then Ranglock taps the globe in a certain designed pattern.
ZeldaQueen: Is anyone else getting Labyrinth images here?
A image of Sirius appears from this globe to begin to say "This is true last will & testament of myself Lord Sirius Orion Black in my heart, body, mind, and soul that was last updated on June 17th of 1996."
ZeldaQueen: How considerate of Sirius, to think to update his will the very month he's going to die.
Sirius then states "To Bellatrix Lestrange, Narcissa Malfoy, & Draco Malfoy your position in the Black family rests on the decision of the true Head of the Black family."
ZeldaQueen: Um, no. Sirius hated those bitches and Malfoy. He would never let them get anything. And what "true Head of the Black family"? Sirius was the last of the Blacks!
With confusion impressions on their faces
ZeldaQueen: Erm, I think the suethor meant "expressions". Either that, or they have Silly Putty for faces.
both Narcissa and Draco wonder who is this true Head of the Black family.
ZeldaQueen: Wait, what the fuck are they doing here? Sirius was disowned by the family and was in hiding! Although I don't blame them for being confused, given my point above.
Sirius says "To my favourite cousin Andromeda Tonks as the current acting Earl Black
ZeldaQueen: SIRIUS WAS NOT AN EARL!
I restate you to Black family and to be given the dowry of 250,000 galleons that is rightful yours will be immediately put in your vault.
ZeldaQueen: This is like my train of thought right before I fall asleep.
Andromeda whispers to the image of Sirius and says "Thank you."
ZeldaQueen: And Andromeda's here also? Huh?
Sirius says "To my favouirte cousin's daughter Nymphadora Tonks your dowry of 250,000 galleons will be transfer into your vault on your wedding day; however, I am also leaving you with a piece of paper with the name Nymphadora scribble all over the place and never give up on the person that you love."
ZeldaQueen: I...I honestly don't know what's going on here.
So apparently Sirius miraculously knows that Tonks will be getting married, because otherwise that stipulation is rather backwards and old fashioned. And...he gave her a piece of paper with her hated first name on it? And a message to never give up on the person you love? Was she even in love with Lupin by now? How would Sirius know that?
Tonks starts to yell at the image Sirius "Don't call me Nymphadora."
ZeldaQueen: Dude, Tonks was not a bitch.
Sirius says "To my favourite professor and my head of house Minerva McGonagall I leave you with a enough money to buy the Gryffindor Quidditch team six new Firebolts and I leave you 4,000 galleons for the grey hairs that the Marauders must of given you."
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I doubt he'd be bothered about the trouble he caused McGonagall.
Professor McGonagall says to the image Sirius "Now we will have no competition for the Quidditch cup against Slytherin."
ZeldaQueen: Because, as book two shows, it's definitely expensive brooms that get you to win!
Sirius says "Since I just mention the Marauders to the new generation of pranksters Fred & George Weasley I leave you with a copy of the Marauder prank book along with 8,000 galleons for your joke shop."
ZeldaQueen: Well, way to steal Harry's thunder from the fourth book.
Fred and George yells out to the image of Sirius "Of course we have to live up to the Marauder legacy!"
ZeldaQueen: Why is everyone yelling? It's very annoying.
Sirius says "To the son of my former partner Neville Longbottom
ZeldaQueen: Neville was Sirius's former partner? And has a son?
...I'm sure some slash writers called it
I only leave you with the piece of advice become the Count Longbottom that your father never had the chance to become and become your person to not live in the shadow of your father.
ZeldaQueen: Don't worry, Neville. Your dad was never a count, so you don't have any legacy to live up to.
And since when does Sirius dispense with advice?
However, after this reading I have arrange for the inheritance ritual to take place."
Neville looks at the image of Sirius shyly say "Thank you for believing in me."
ZeldaQueen: (Neville) "I mean, I never really met you at all, so it's very nice to know that a strange man who I used to think of as a serial killer is giving me advice on my life."
Sirius says "To my one true remaining friend and Marauder Remus Lupin, I leave you Padfoot's Pad in New Forest and 8,000 galleons. Along with this advice it does not matter that you have your furry little problem but to let the woman that you love into your life."
ZeldaQueen: "Padfoot's Pad"? Pffffffftttt!!! Oh wow, looks like Sirius had a bachelor pad! I'm sure it will come in handy when Lupin woos Tonks.
And is it just me, or does putting the "furry little problem" bit in front of the advice about loving a woman sound like some sort of dirty euphemism?
Remus says to the image Sirius sadly "I am going to miss you my old friend."
ZeldaQueen: (Remus) "But not as much as I'll miss my good grammar and commas."
Sirius says "To Arthur and Molly Weasley for becoming the guardian to my godfather that I could not be I leave you 4,000 galleons."
ZeldaQueen: Ha! Since when were Arthur and Molly guardians to Sirius's godfather? And of course you can't be your own godfather, silly!
Arthur and Molly says to the image Sirius "Thank you."
ZeldaQueen: What, are they one organism now?
Sirius says "To Albus Dumbledore you no longer have any control over my godson to manipulate for your own games so I leave you with one sickle and orders for your bird club to evacuate my house.
ZeldaQueen: You know, the first time I read that, I thought that Dumbledore was keeping a collection of birds in Sirius's house or something. And one sickle? That's just mean! I mean, I know Dumbledore's got enough money, but it's still a snub.
However, everything that was removed without permission will be immediately returned at once."
ZeldaQueen: Because a dead guy can totally enforce that sort of thing.
Professor Dumbledore sneaks out of the room before anyone notices.
ZeldaQueen: Dude, are you trying to imply that Dumbledore was robbing Sirius's house? That was Mudungous!
Oh yeah, and folks? The suethor here hates Dumbledore. You know, in case it wasn't blatantly obvious already.
Sirius says "To a new friend Ginerva Weasley I leave you with 500 galleons and a scheduled inheritance ritual for today."
ZeldaQueen: Why does he call Ginny a "new" friend when he's known her for most of the summer, but acts like he's known Neville his entire life?
Also, wasn't 500 galleons about what she stole from Harry's account?
Ginny tells Sirius image mixed with sadness and happiness "Thank you for this opportunity."
ZeldaQueen: This violates every "show, don't tell" rule i can think of.
Sirius says "To Ronald Weasley a friend to my godson Harry, I leave you with 500 galleons."
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I don't think she likes Ron or Ginny either.
Ron says to the image of Sirius "Thank you" but in his mind he thinks that it's unfair to get the same amount of money as his sister greedily.
ZeldaQueen: RON IS NOT GREEDY!!!
Sirius says "To the person that saved my life Hermione Granger I leave you with 500 galleons and a scheduled inheritance ritual for today."
ZeldaQueen: When did Hermione save his life? Does he mean in book three? Because that was just as much Harry.
Hermione says to the image of Sirius in a whisper "I wish I could have saved you again instead of you dying."
ZeldaQueen: Don't worry hun, I'm sure he's happier being dead and out of this fic.
Sirius says "To my godson Harry Potter I leave you with 600 galleons but the most important thing is that you are now emancipated.
ZeldaQueen: "Emancipated"? Oh, big words for a girl who confused "served" with "severed"
However, you are also schedule to have a inheritance ritual today."
ZeldaQueen: The tense problems are making my head spin
Harry is extremely happy and shouts "No more Dursleys for me."
ZeldaQueen: Um no. Blood protection? Hello?
Sirius says "To Isabelle Draven
ZeldaQueen: And who the fuck is SHE?
you already know that you are adopted and that your true name is Isabelle Moreau-Black, so I leave you with the responsibilities of being Countess Black. As you know that you have to take part in the inheritance ritual before you claim your title, so it has been arranged for today."
ZeldaQueen: (Sirius) "And on a final note, if there are any sporkers present at this time, please kill the Mary Sue that undoubtedly snuck in."
Isabelle whispers to both Harry and Hermione "I will tell you my connection to Sirius later."
ZeldaQueen: (Isabelle) "Because my suethor can't be bothered to think it up until the next chapter."
Sirius finally says "This is Padfoot signing off." and then disappears back into in the globe.
ZeldaQueen: I guess Sirius was channeling Star Fox there.
Ranglock announces to everyone "If you please sign these documents to transfer the money that Lord Black left you into your vaults. However, those individuals scheduled for the inheritance ritual for today please remain behind."
ZeldaQueen: As soon as the rest of the group dispersed, Ranglock pulled out his spork. "Wow, you didn't recognize me as a hidden agent? You really are dumb!" he laughed. "Hold still, this won't hurt a bit!"
A couple of moments later, the only people besides Ranglock that remains are:
ZeldaQueen: Given how bored I am and the scenario I spun above, I'm going to pretend that the "remains" besides Ranglock are the corpses of the Sues
Neville, Ginny, Hermione, Harry, and Isabelle. Ranglock then leads the group of teenagers to the inheritance room.
Inside of the inheritance room, they see a long table where five parchments placed in front of five chairs.
ZeldaQueen: By God, this is interesting!
Ranglock then explains to the teenagers "Each of the parchments in front of you have been soaked in a potion called Prosapia Cruor Versus.
ZeldaQueen: (Ranglock) "Completely made up by the suethor, and concocted in her anus."
However, the only thing that you are required to do is place four drops of your blood using this goblin made dagger and there is a healing potion for your cut on your right."
ZeldaQueen: What is up with this suethor and blood?
Starting with right to left they perform the ritual: Ginny, Neville, Hermione, Isabelle, and Harry.
ZeldaQueen: Dude, this stuff is not important! Get on with it!
AN: PLEASE REVIEW
ZeldaQueen: Oh, you really don't want to know what my thoughts on this fic are.
P.S. THE WINNING TITLE IS EARL HARRY JAMES POTTER WITH SEVEN VOTES
ZeldaQueen: I DON'T CARE!
And you got seven people who were boring and bland enough to pick that, thus implying that there were even fewer votes for the slightly less bland and boring options, plus no one apparently submitted any suggestions of any merit.
Onward to: Chapter 3
Back to: Chapter 1
Return to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 2
In the early morning hours, family members and friends of Sirius Black were gather together
ZeldaQueen: Gathered!
to hear his last will & testament
ZeldaQueen: You know, it's bad form to not write out "and" in your narration.
in one of the conference rooms at Gringotts. The account manger to the Black family Ranglock brings out the globe reading.
ZeldaQueen: And how kind of this Ranglock fellow, to show up out of nowhere, just to do a globe reading!
Ranglock announces to the room "Everyone here to hear the last will & testament of Lord Sirius Orion Black through the astro-projection globe." Then Ranglock taps the globe in a certain designed pattern.
ZeldaQueen: Is anyone else getting Labyrinth images here?
A image of Sirius appears from this globe to begin to say "This is true last will & testament of myself Lord Sirius Orion Black in my heart, body, mind, and soul that was last updated on June 17th of 1996."
ZeldaQueen: How considerate of Sirius, to think to update his will the very month he's going to die.
Sirius then states "To Bellatrix Lestrange, Narcissa Malfoy, & Draco Malfoy your position in the Black family rests on the decision of the true Head of the Black family."
ZeldaQueen: Um, no. Sirius hated those bitches and Malfoy. He would never let them get anything. And what "true Head of the Black family"? Sirius was the last of the Blacks!
With confusion impressions on their faces
ZeldaQueen: Erm, I think the suethor meant "expressions". Either that, or they have Silly Putty for faces.
both Narcissa and Draco wonder who is this true Head of the Black family.
ZeldaQueen: Wait, what the fuck are they doing here? Sirius was disowned by the family and was in hiding! Although I don't blame them for being confused, given my point above.
Sirius says "To my favourite cousin Andromeda Tonks as the current acting Earl Black
ZeldaQueen: SIRIUS WAS NOT AN EARL!
I restate you to Black family and to be given the dowry of 250,000 galleons that is rightful yours will be immediately put in your vault.
ZeldaQueen: This is like my train of thought right before I fall asleep.
Andromeda whispers to the image of Sirius and says "Thank you."
ZeldaQueen: And Andromeda's here also? Huh?
Sirius says "To my favouirte cousin's daughter Nymphadora Tonks your dowry of 250,000 galleons will be transfer into your vault on your wedding day; however, I am also leaving you with a piece of paper with the name Nymphadora scribble all over the place and never give up on the person that you love."
ZeldaQueen: I...I honestly don't know what's going on here.
So apparently Sirius miraculously knows that Tonks will be getting married, because otherwise that stipulation is rather backwards and old fashioned. And...he gave her a piece of paper with her hated first name on it? And a message to never give up on the person you love? Was she even in love with Lupin by now? How would Sirius know that?
Tonks starts to yell at the image Sirius "Don't call me Nymphadora."
ZeldaQueen: Dude, Tonks was not a bitch.
Sirius says "To my favourite professor and my head of house Minerva McGonagall I leave you with a enough money to buy the Gryffindor Quidditch team six new Firebolts and I leave you 4,000 galleons for the grey hairs that the Marauders must of given you."
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I doubt he'd be bothered about the trouble he caused McGonagall.
Professor McGonagall says to the image Sirius "Now we will have no competition for the Quidditch cup against Slytherin."
ZeldaQueen: Because, as book two shows, it's definitely expensive brooms that get you to win!
Sirius says "Since I just mention the Marauders to the new generation of pranksters Fred & George Weasley I leave you with a copy of the Marauder prank book along with 8,000 galleons for your joke shop."
ZeldaQueen: Well, way to steal Harry's thunder from the fourth book.
Fred and George yells out to the image of Sirius "Of course we have to live up to the Marauder legacy!"
ZeldaQueen: Why is everyone yelling? It's very annoying.
Sirius says "To the son of my former partner Neville Longbottom
ZeldaQueen: Neville was Sirius's former partner? And has a son?
...I'm sure some slash writers called it
I only leave you with the piece of advice become the Count Longbottom that your father never had the chance to become and become your person to not live in the shadow of your father.
ZeldaQueen: Don't worry, Neville. Your dad was never a count, so you don't have any legacy to live up to.
And since when does Sirius dispense with advice?
However, after this reading I have arrange for the inheritance ritual to take place."
Neville looks at the image of Sirius shyly say "Thank you for believing in me."
ZeldaQueen: (Neville) "I mean, I never really met you at all, so it's very nice to know that a strange man who I used to think of as a serial killer is giving me advice on my life."
Sirius says "To my one true remaining friend and Marauder Remus Lupin, I leave you Padfoot's Pad in New Forest and 8,000 galleons. Along with this advice it does not matter that you have your furry little problem but to let the woman that you love into your life."
ZeldaQueen: "Padfoot's Pad"? Pffffffftttt!!! Oh wow, looks like Sirius had a bachelor pad! I'm sure it will come in handy when Lupin woos Tonks.
And is it just me, or does putting the "furry little problem" bit in front of the advice about loving a woman sound like some sort of dirty euphemism?
Remus says to the image Sirius sadly "I am going to miss you my old friend."
ZeldaQueen: (Remus) "But not as much as I'll miss my good grammar and commas."
Sirius says "To Arthur and Molly Weasley for becoming the guardian to my godfather that I could not be I leave you 4,000 galleons."
ZeldaQueen: Ha! Since when were Arthur and Molly guardians to Sirius's godfather? And of course you can't be your own godfather, silly!
Arthur and Molly says to the image Sirius "Thank you."
ZeldaQueen: What, are they one organism now?
Sirius says "To Albus Dumbledore you no longer have any control over my godson to manipulate for your own games so I leave you with one sickle and orders for your bird club to evacuate my house.
ZeldaQueen: You know, the first time I read that, I thought that Dumbledore was keeping a collection of birds in Sirius's house or something. And one sickle? That's just mean! I mean, I know Dumbledore's got enough money, but it's still a snub.
However, everything that was removed without permission will be immediately returned at once."
ZeldaQueen: Because a dead guy can totally enforce that sort of thing.
Professor Dumbledore sneaks out of the room before anyone notices.
ZeldaQueen: Dude, are you trying to imply that Dumbledore was robbing Sirius's house? That was Mudungous!
Oh yeah, and folks? The suethor here hates Dumbledore. You know, in case it wasn't blatantly obvious already.
Sirius says "To a new friend Ginerva Weasley I leave you with 500 galleons and a scheduled inheritance ritual for today."
ZeldaQueen: Why does he call Ginny a "new" friend when he's known her for most of the summer, but acts like he's known Neville his entire life?
Also, wasn't 500 galleons about what she stole from Harry's account?
Ginny tells Sirius image mixed with sadness and happiness "Thank you for this opportunity."
ZeldaQueen: This violates every "show, don't tell" rule i can think of.
Sirius says "To Ronald Weasley a friend to my godson Harry, I leave you with 500 galleons."
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I don't think she likes Ron or Ginny either.
Ron says to the image of Sirius "Thank you" but in his mind he thinks that it's unfair to get the same amount of money as his sister greedily.
ZeldaQueen: RON IS NOT GREEDY!!!
Sirius says "To the person that saved my life Hermione Granger I leave you with 500 galleons and a scheduled inheritance ritual for today."
ZeldaQueen: When did Hermione save his life? Does he mean in book three? Because that was just as much Harry.
Hermione says to the image of Sirius in a whisper "I wish I could have saved you again instead of you dying."
ZeldaQueen: Don't worry hun, I'm sure he's happier being dead and out of this fic.
Sirius says "To my godson Harry Potter I leave you with 600 galleons but the most important thing is that you are now emancipated.
ZeldaQueen: "Emancipated"? Oh, big words for a girl who confused "served" with "severed"
However, you are also schedule to have a inheritance ritual today."
ZeldaQueen: The tense problems are making my head spin
Harry is extremely happy and shouts "No more Dursleys for me."
ZeldaQueen: Um no. Blood protection? Hello?
Sirius says "To Isabelle Draven
ZeldaQueen: And who the fuck is SHE?
you already know that you are adopted and that your true name is Isabelle Moreau-Black, so I leave you with the responsibilities of being Countess Black. As you know that you have to take part in the inheritance ritual before you claim your title, so it has been arranged for today."
ZeldaQueen: (Sirius) "And on a final note, if there are any sporkers present at this time, please kill the Mary Sue that undoubtedly snuck in."
Isabelle whispers to both Harry and Hermione "I will tell you my connection to Sirius later."
ZeldaQueen: (Isabelle) "Because my suethor can't be bothered to think it up until the next chapter."
Sirius finally says "This is Padfoot signing off." and then disappears back into in the globe.
ZeldaQueen: I guess Sirius was channeling Star Fox there.
Ranglock announces to everyone "If you please sign these documents to transfer the money that Lord Black left you into your vaults. However, those individuals scheduled for the inheritance ritual for today please remain behind."
ZeldaQueen: As soon as the rest of the group dispersed, Ranglock pulled out his spork. "Wow, you didn't recognize me as a hidden agent? You really are dumb!" he laughed. "Hold still, this won't hurt a bit!"
A couple of moments later, the only people besides Ranglock that remains are:
ZeldaQueen: Given how bored I am and the scenario I spun above, I'm going to pretend that the "remains" besides Ranglock are the corpses of the Sues
Neville, Ginny, Hermione, Harry, and Isabelle. Ranglock then leads the group of teenagers to the inheritance room.
Inside of the inheritance room, they see a long table where five parchments placed in front of five chairs.
ZeldaQueen: By God, this is interesting!
Ranglock then explains to the teenagers "Each of the parchments in front of you have been soaked in a potion called Prosapia Cruor Versus.
ZeldaQueen: (Ranglock) "Completely made up by the suethor, and concocted in her anus."
However, the only thing that you are required to do is place four drops of your blood using this goblin made dagger and there is a healing potion for your cut on your right."
ZeldaQueen: What is up with this suethor and blood?
Starting with right to left they perform the ritual: Ginny, Neville, Hermione, Isabelle, and Harry.
ZeldaQueen: Dude, this stuff is not important! Get on with it!
AN: PLEASE REVIEW
ZeldaQueen: Oh, you really don't want to know what my thoughts on this fic are.
P.S. THE WINNING TITLE IS EARL HARRY JAMES POTTER WITH SEVEN VOTES
ZeldaQueen: I DON'T CARE!
And you got seven people who were boring and bland enough to pick that, thus implying that there were even fewer votes for the slightly less bland and boring options, plus no one apparently submitted any suggestions of any merit.
Onward to: Chapter 3
Back to: Chapter 1
Return to: Table of Contents
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-10-15 06:00 pm (UTC)Also, it took me about five minutes to figure out what was meant by Dumbledore's "bird club". I thought he had turned Sirius's house into a wildlife preserve and invited all his friends to go birdwatching or something.
What is the point of these "inheritance rituals", anyway?
(no subject)
Date: 2010-10-16 02:44 am (UTC)I have no idea what the point of the rituals are. I think the suethor just likes them.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-11-18 04:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-15 01:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-15 02:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-15 04:00 am (UTC)That's what I think about everyone being nobility.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-13 06:56 pm (UTC)1) If Sirius had such disdain for Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix, why did he let them use his house in the first place? Why did he join up with Dumbledore not once, but twice, in the battle against Voldemort?
2) He gives Andromeda and Nymphadora 25,000 galleons each (as a dowry, of all things, bringing up the question of why he didn't do this while he was alive), he gives the Remus 8,000, the twins 8,000, Arthur and Molly get 4,000 (apparently looking after Harry isn't as important as a joke shop). McGonagall gets 4,000 and enough to buy six Firebolts. Harry only gets 500.
Let me restate this: Harry, his godson, who canonically gets everything only gets 500 galleons. Ron and Hermione got just as much simply for being Harry's friends. Hell, Ginny got 500 galleons for being Harry's friend's little sister!
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-17 05:24 pm (UTC)