My Inner Life: Chapter 7 - A Few Loose Ends

[zelda_queen]

ZeldaQueen: Well, nice easy chapter this time -

Link: *taps foot*

ZeldaQueen: And we've got a guest sporker. Link here won't go away until he' helped tear Miss Jenna a new one, so here he is!

Link: Right. I'm angry and there's no Ganondorf to take it out on, so let's go already!

Projection Room Voice: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter 7: A Few Loose Ends

A Few Loose Ends

Link: Yeah. First I’ve got to kill the Sue, squash that stupid Lilly, and then run away to Terminia. Which reminds me, if Ocarina of Time is over then why am I still in Hyrule?

ZeldaQueen: Apparently the events of Majora’s Mask never happened, or so says Link’s Queen

Link: Well I - Link’s Queen? That’s the Suethor’s name?!?

ZeldaQueen: I’m so sorry

I spent the next few weeks adding to our farm.

ZeldaQueen: (Sue) “Let’s see…one plus one equals…Oh dear. Link? What comes after five?”

Link started out by bringing home cuccos and a rooster, then I got two milk cows, a pig and four sheep.

ZeldaQueen: My god this is interesting!

Link: I don’t even know why I’d be bothering with all of this! I spend all of my time seeking out evil and destroying it. Why would I be wasting my time bringing home livestock? Especially ones that don’t exist in Hyrule?

ZeldaQueen: Because the Suethor is an idiot who can’t figure out that a Hyrule life isn’t the same as one on Earth. You married her in a Christian ceremony, by the way.

Link: I what in a what? And she says she actually played the game?

Link surprised me when he came home one day with a beautiful black stallion.

ZeldaQueen: “Surprise!” shouted Link as he boned the young Sue up the ass

Link: That’s not funny!

ZeldaQueen: Yeah, you’re right. She’d probably get off on that. Actually, I think she already did…

Link: Look, we’re friends right? If I ever go so braindead as to engage in anal sex with a Sue, you’d be kind and stab me in the head with your spork, wouldn’t you?

ZeldaQueen: Of course

Since we have a special connection with the royal family, the King himself had that horse bred especially for us.

ZeldaQueen: By “we”, she of course meant “I”

Link: What “special connection” is that, may I ask? I apparently do not see Zelda as romantic material and I never met the king

ZeldaQueen: In this fic, you train his army. Don’t ask me how you met the guy though, because we’re never told. The Sue is apparently Zelda’s best friend, which involves using the princess as a servant while leeching stuff off of her

Link: I’m afraid to ask, but like what?

ZeldaQueen: The Ocarina of Time, for starters

Link: Zelda gave the Sue the Ocarina of Time?

ZeldaQueen: Yep. I ranted at great length. You both were avenged

We decided that since the stallion (whom we named Midnight Star.)

ZeldaQueen: Well that isn’t another Sue-name!

Link: Why’s there a period in that set of parenthesis? There’s no end to a sentence

ZeldaQueen: You’re asking for good grammar from a crazy lady who keeps mixing up “through” and “threw”. I’m just confused as to why they have this horse to begin with. Doesn’t Jenna already have Star Dancer?

Link: I’ll have to take your word for it. But hey, from what I’ve heard, why would the Sue pass up being given neat stuff?

was such a strong horse, we were going to bread him with Epona.

Link: THEY’RE GOING TO EAT THE HORSES?!?

ZeldaQueen: *laughing hard* This is going in with “gecko” and “award robe”

We bred them for the first time just before their mating season was to end.

Link: Because of course pregnancy occurs every single time sex happens 

ZeldaQueen: Yep, I knew she was cribbing from Harvest Moon

It was perfect timing, I only had seven more months until I was to give birth. The colt would be born not to long after I was to have my first-born.

Link: I don’t think that’s how it works. And wait, the Sue was pregnant with my child? Meaning I had sex with her?

ZeldaQueen: You’re right, horses take eleven months to give birth, not nine. And yes, you had sex

Link: Don’t spare me. How many times? I need to know because I’ll be stabbing Jenna once for each one

ZeldaQueen: Well…once before you were married, twice on the honeymoon, and once during the ritual in the desert. Actually you also merged minds and spirits, so we’ll say two in the desert

Link: *goes into a Heroic BSOD*

I knew each colt that was born would be strong and healthy. Perfect for each child that Link and I were going to have.

ZeldaQueen: I’m sorry, but is this woman a Nazi or something? All she seems to go on about is creating a Master Race or whatever. Actually, Link is a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy…oh Jesus

After we got all of the animals that we needed, I started a garden. I was going to grow a lot of the food we were going to eat.

ZeldaQueen: Great! I can slip in poison without fear of killing anyone likeable

Though some of the meats and fruits were provided to us by the King. I grew most of the vegetables that were going to be used in meals.

ZeldaQueen: OH THAT’S NICE! They’re being shipped food directly by the King of Hyrule?!?!?!? Excuse me, but why can’t they buy those things LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES??? Apparently they can afford all of those ridiculous home furnishings and animal and dresses for Jenna!

Each and every day I would tend to my garden. It was my pride and joy, next to being pregnant.

ZeldaQueen: Being a homemaker and having kids - that’s the best a girl can do. And no, I’m not saying that having kids or being a housewife is any less admirable than being a career woman, it just grate my nerves that she acts like those are the only things she has to do and they are the best things to complete her life

Keeping it up was tough but fun.

ZeldaQueen: Keeping up with the Joneses
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ZeldaQueen: *blinks* Well that was a short one. *pokes Link* Wake up!

Link: *awakens with a start* Wah - what? How much of the chapter's left?

ZeldaQueen: None. You slept through the whole thing

Link: Well that's just fucking great! I didn't get nearly enough of a chance to rant at the thing

ZeldaQueen: Well, join in next chapter's sporking. I can guarantee that there's stuff that'll infuriate you

Link: Sounds great

Onward to: Chapter 8: The Separation

Back to: Chapter 6: The Bonding (Part 2)

Return to: Table of Content
 

Comments

[kawaiicow.livejournal.com]

Oh God, even the horse is paired off with a Sue character. Didn't Jenfail already have horses? What the hell happened to them? (Iffaith, me thinks they went to 'Ye Olde Glue Factoree') And what a horrible name for a horse, 'Midnight Star'. I know racehorses have stupid names, but that was just terrible. Those poor, poor animals.

Hnag on, these people (somehow) live in the Lost Woods where Hylians turn into Stalfos and the King is just gonna send people to deliver their shit? If you want 'home delivery' then live in Hyrule Field nearer the Castle where visitors have less chance of being Stalfosified.

And good luck tending your perfect little 'self sufficiency' experiment when youre over 4 months because farming is a pretty hefty and long arse job at the best of times, never mind when your ankles are swolen and you're tired as hell.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Well Link had Epona (as per cannon) and Jenna had Star Dancer, which was also a gift or something (Link just randomly brings it for her in the first chapter). I'm just wondering how the hell there's enough room anywhere in the Lost Woods for so many animals to wander and graze and all.

"Iffaith, me thinks they went to 'Ye Olde Glue Factoree'"

XD Either that or she had them "bread".

You know, I never gave the delivery much of a thought. But there's an even bigger question there - HOW in the name of my Uncle Bob could they even FIND the stupid place? Isn't the Kokiri Forest and Lost Woods hidden from normal people? I don't think the King even knew where they were in the game. Once again, Jenna forgets that just because Link can do something in the game doesn't mean that everyone can (and yeah, she herself ought to have turned into a Stalfos. Pity, that).

Nonsense, since when has reality ever entered Happyland here? She kind of forgets she's pregnant unless it's convenient to the plot (either angsting about Link being around for it or talking about it with Link in public).

[beacon80.livejournal.com]

Link: It's odd. We haven't received any mail in weeks. And why are there so many Stalfos wearing postal uniforms these days?

Even ignoring that, building a farm in the Lost Woods makes no sense. You've got miles of open grassland, but you're building a farm in the forest, where your crops will only get a few hours of sunlight a day.

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

Methinks the Suethor is confusing Legend of Zelda with Harvest Moon. Seriously, this reads like she played a farming sim rather than an action-adventure game.

Speaking of Harvest Moon, I keep meaning to replay that sometime. I picked Muffy to be my character's wife, but Gustapha's reaction was so quietly heartbreaking that I deleted that file. I've decided to go for the princess in the 3rd mine :D

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know, right? Especially the rather generic responses and blase reactions to the supernatural.

Which one are you playing? I've played "A Wonderful Life", "Magical Melody", and I'm working on "Island of Happiness". In the first I married Celia and in the second I married Alex. ^_^

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

Seriously xP.

I just have Harvest Moon DS ^^. I'd like to get the Girl version and Rune Factory once I have enough money. The first time I played it, I was just going to sow a few seeds and save enough to buy some chickens. The next time I looked up was nine hours later xP. It's one of those relaxing, addictive games, like The Sims except there are consequences for killing off your livestock :/

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know! It's amazingly addictive. XD In Island of Happiness, I just got the last bridge fixed and will probably be trying to raise money for a Greenhouse or a Maker. And the fishing - that takes a surprising amount of time without notice. ^_^

"except there are consequences for killing off your livestock :/"

Oh man, tell me about it! In Magical Melody, they actually punish you the first time your animal gets *sick*. Your character has a dream that the livestock vendor tells you that the animal died because you were careless. You then see your character standing in front of a little grave, looking sad. Then you wake up. I nearly had a heart attack when I first saw that, I thought I killed my chicken!

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

Seriously. And I've set myself a real challenge, trying to marry the Mine Princess. I'm...not going to do that anytime soon xD

I didn't even know animals could die when I started playing. When my first-ever chicken died, I was so upset. Takakura kept saying how I shouldn't feel bad, that she just died of old age and was well-cared for, but I was all "Roma died?! ;o;." And I still lost Relationship Points with everyone including the wife, even if technically it wasn't my fault :(.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Aw! But at least she didn't die from bad care. Believe it or not, sometimes people kill of animals on purpose. Like in "A Wonderful Life", the goat only gives milk for one year and basically does nothing else but take up space. It can't be sold either, so most players just starve it. In fact, there's an FAQ online on how to kill it off fastest.

I was personally pretty devastated to find out that some games have *people* who die in them! And there's nothing you can do, they just go one day. :(

And yeah, the townsfolk can be kind of ridiculous on some things that aren't your fault. In Island of Happiness, the villagers get overly upset or angry with you for coming in *second place* in contests. I mean, you're always the only one to enter but still!

By the way, have you ever heard of "Harvest Moon: Save the Homeland"? It's actually kind of trippy, from what I hear.

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

Yeah...still upsetting. Oh, I know! In fact, in Harvest Moon DS, you need to kill fifty of your farm animals to marry the Witch Princess o-o.

Yeah, it happens in the DS version too. One character dies after your child is born :(.

Really?! And I thought the littering was bad xP. At least that one kind of made sense.

I've heard oif it, but I haven't played it. What system are most of these games on? I know Friends of Mineral Town's on the Gameboy.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Harvest Moon is for the SNES and was re-released for the Wi Console

Harvest Moon GB is for the Game Boy and the Gameboy Color

Harvest Moon 64 is for the N64

Harvest Moon 2 GBC is for the Gameboy Color

Harvest Moon: Back to Nature is for the Playstation

Harvest Moon 3 GBC is for the Gameboy Color

Harvest Moon: Save the Homeland is for the PS 2

Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life and Another Wonderful Life are for the Gamecube

Harvest Moon: Magical Melody is also for the Gamecube

Island of Happiness and Sunshine Island are for the DS

Tree of Tranquility is for the Wii, as is Animal Parade

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, reducing Epona to a breeding mare from Link's beloved steed is awful enough, but it's worse considering Epona seems to already be a specially bred horse (for racing/sport)!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, somehow I doubt Link's Queen was aware of the differences between horses, like that. Her reasoning was probably more like, "Link has an awesome horse and Jenna has an awesome horse, so they can keep breeding to make MORE awesome horses! :D"

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, and the sad part is that I have the impression that she is a big fan of horses, but she seems like those kind of lovers of an animal that thinks they're so cool they don't bother over becoming at least somewhat knowledgeable about them.

[beacon80.livejournal.com]

Link started out by bringing home cuccos and a rooster, then I got two milk cows, a pig and four sheep.
Where are you getting all this? Livestock is expensive! I'm sure the king would give them all this in a heartbeat, but I get the impression Jenna just bought all of these with whatever rupees she had on her.
Also, it seems odd to just get one pig.

I only had seven more months until I was to give birth.
Hold on, she was two months pregnant in the middle of summer. We then jumped forward into early fall for their bonding ceremony. Add "a few weeks" while they assembled their farm, plus however long it takes to actually takes to determine a mare is pregnant*, and I don't see how she could possibly be less than four months in.

* And this is assuming that they got Midnight Sue just in time for the end of Epona's mating season**.

** Also, stallions don't have a mating season, so it should have been "her" not "their."

I knew each colt that was born would be strong and healthy.
How do you know that? Even the best breeding horses can have a bad foal. I don't know much about horses, but I'd imagine one bred for racing is probably more likely to have a bad pregnancy. Just because they're both "perfect" doesn't mean nothing will ever go wrong!
Also, foal, not colt!