My Inner Life: Chapter 7 - A Few Loose Ends

[zelda_queen]

ZeldaQueen: Well, nice easy chapter this time -

Link: *taps foot*

ZeldaQueen: And we've got a guest sporker. Link here won't go away until he' helped tear Miss Jenna a new one, so here he is!

Link: Right. I'm angry and there's no Ganondorf to take it out on, so let's go already!

Projection Room Voice: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter 7: A Few Loose Ends

A Few Loose Ends

Link: Yeah. First I’ve got to kill the Sue, squash that stupid Lilly, and then run away to Terminia. Which reminds me, if Ocarina of Time is over then why am I still in Hyrule?

ZeldaQueen: Apparently the events of Majora’s Mask never happened, or so says Link’s Queen

Link: Well I - Link’s Queen? That’s the Suethor’s name?!?

ZeldaQueen: I’m so sorry

I spent the next few weeks adding to our farm.

ZeldaQueen: (Sue) “Let’s see…one plus one equals…Oh dear. Link? What comes after five?”

Link started out by bringing home cuccos and a rooster, then I got two milk cows, a pig and four sheep.

ZeldaQueen: My god this is interesting!

Link: I don’t even know why I’d be bothering with all of this! I spend all of my time seeking out evil and destroying it. Why would I be wasting my time bringing home livestock? Especially ones that don’t exist in Hyrule?

ZeldaQueen: Because the Suethor is an idiot who can’t figure out that a Hyrule life isn’t the same as one on Earth. You married her in a Christian ceremony, by the way.

Link: I what in a what? And she says she actually played the game?

Link surprised me when he came home one day with a beautiful black stallion.

ZeldaQueen: “Surprise!” shouted Link as he boned the young Sue up the ass

Link: That’s not funny!

ZeldaQueen: Yeah, you’re right. She’d probably get off on that. Actually, I think she already did…

Link: Look, we’re friends right? If I ever go so braindead as to engage in anal sex with a Sue, you’d be kind and stab me in the head with your spork, wouldn’t you?

ZeldaQueen: Of course

Since we have a special connection with the royal family, the King himself had that horse bred especially for us.

ZeldaQueen: By “we”, she of course meant “I”

Link: What “special connection” is that, may I ask? I apparently do not see Zelda as romantic material and I never met the king

ZeldaQueen: In this fic, you train his army. Don’t ask me how you met the guy though, because we’re never told. The Sue is apparently Zelda’s best friend, which involves using the princess as a servant while leeching stuff off of her

Link: I’m afraid to ask, but like what?

ZeldaQueen: The Ocarina of Time, for starters

Link: Zelda gave the Sue the Ocarina of Time?

ZeldaQueen: Yep. I ranted at great length. You both were avenged

We decided that since the stallion (whom we named Midnight Star.)

ZeldaQueen: Well that isn’t another Sue-name!

Link: Why’s there a period in that set of parenthesis? There’s no end to a sentence

ZeldaQueen: You’re asking for good grammar from a crazy lady who keeps mixing up “through” and “threw”. I’m just confused as to why they have this horse to begin with. Doesn’t Jenna already have Star Dancer?

Link: I’ll have to take your word for it. But hey, from what I’ve heard, why would the Sue pass up being given neat stuff?

was such a strong horse, we were going to bread him with Epona.

Link: THEY’RE GOING TO EAT THE HORSES?!?

ZeldaQueen: *laughing hard* This is going in with “gecko” and “award robe”

We bred them for the first time just before their mating season was to end.

Link: Because of course pregnancy occurs every single time sex happens 

ZeldaQueen: Yep, I knew she was cribbing from Harvest Moon

It was perfect timing, I only had seven more months until I was to give birth. The colt would be born not to long after I was to have my first-born.

Link: I don’t think that’s how it works. And wait, the Sue was pregnant with my child? Meaning I had sex with her?

ZeldaQueen: You’re right, horses take eleven months to give birth, not nine. And yes, you had sex

Link: Don’t spare me. How many times? I need to know because I’ll be stabbing Jenna once for each one

ZeldaQueen: Well…once before you were married, twice on the honeymoon, and once during the ritual in the desert. Actually you also merged minds and spirits, so we’ll say two in the desert

Link: *goes into a Heroic BSOD*

I knew each colt that was born would be strong and healthy. Perfect for each child that Link and I were going to have.

ZeldaQueen: I’m sorry, but is this woman a Nazi or something? All she seems to go on about is creating a Master Race or whatever. Actually, Link is a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy…oh Jesus

After we got all of the animals that we needed, I started a garden. I was going to grow a lot of the food we were going to eat.

ZeldaQueen: Great! I can slip in poison without fear of killing anyone likeable

Though some of the meats and fruits were provided to us by the King. I grew most of the vegetables that were going to be used in meals.

ZeldaQueen: OH THAT’S NICE! They’re being shipped food directly by the King of Hyrule?!?!?!? Excuse me, but why can’t they buy those things LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES??? Apparently they can afford all of those ridiculous home furnishings and animal and dresses for Jenna!

Each and every day I would tend to my garden. It was my pride and joy, next to being pregnant.

ZeldaQueen: Being a homemaker and having kids - that’s the best a girl can do. And no, I’m not saying that having kids or being a housewife is any less admirable than being a career woman, it just grate my nerves that she acts like those are the only things she has to do and they are the best things to complete her life

Keeping it up was tough but fun.

ZeldaQueen: Keeping up with the Joneses
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ZeldaQueen: *blinks* Well that was a short one. *pokes Link* Wake up!

Link: *awakens with a start* Wah - what? How much of the chapter's left?

ZeldaQueen: None. You slept through the whole thing

Link: Well that's just fucking great! I didn't get nearly enough of a chance to rant at the thing

ZeldaQueen: Well, join in next chapter's sporking. I can guarantee that there's stuff that'll infuriate you

Link: Sounds great

Onward to: Chapter 8: The Separation

Back to: Chapter 6: The Bonding (Part 2)

Return to: Table of Content
 

Comments

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Well Link had Epona (as per cannon) and Jenna had Star Dancer, which was also a gift or something (Link just randomly brings it for her in the first chapter). I'm just wondering how the hell there's enough room anywhere in the Lost Woods for so many animals to wander and graze and all.

"Iffaith, me thinks they went to 'Ye Olde Glue Factoree'"

XD Either that or she had them "bread".

You know, I never gave the delivery much of a thought. But there's an even bigger question there - HOW in the name of my Uncle Bob could they even FIND the stupid place? Isn't the Kokiri Forest and Lost Woods hidden from normal people? I don't think the King even knew where they were in the game. Once again, Jenna forgets that just because Link can do something in the game doesn't mean that everyone can (and yeah, she herself ought to have turned into a Stalfos. Pity, that).

Nonsense, since when has reality ever entered Happyland here? She kind of forgets she's pregnant unless it's convenient to the plot (either angsting about Link being around for it or talking about it with Link in public).