My Inner Life: Chapter 12 - Down the Road
Apr. 25th, 2010 01:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zelda_queenProjection Room Voices: Well, we'd best start the next sporking session
Link: Wait a second! ZeldaQueen still hasn't woken up and I refuse to spork this junk alone!
Projection Room Voices: Fine. We'll get you some help. *over loudspeaker* Will Ganondorf and Midna please come to the sporking chamber? Ganondorf and Midna!
Link: WHAT??? NO, not them!
Projection Room Voices: Too late. You should have spoken up when you had the chance
Link: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE JUST GOING TO SHOUT OUT FOR THEM!
Ganondorf: What in the name of Hyrule is it? I thought my schedule was clear for the day!
Midna: Whatever this is, it had best be good
Projection Room Voices: We're sending in the previous sporking highlights now
Ganondorf: Most excellent. My Inner Life?
Link: NO! DON'T READ IT!
Midna: I'll do it. Anything that gets Link this flustered has got to be good
Ganondorf: Agreed
Link: Oh you assholes!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 12: Down the Road
Down the Road
Midna: *sings* "Down the road again!"
As winter arrived early (earlier then normal) the cold winds became too much for the crops to handle.
Midna: Does the Suethor ever say what "normal" is, or do we get to guess?
Ganondorf: Just to be spiteful, I believe she means that the snow came in the middle of summer
Link: For all we know, it could have. I honestly have no idea when this is supposed to be
I had to go harvest what we had before the snow started to fall. Since we had a storage room bellow the house,
Ganondorf: By the Triforce Link, your house appears to have been possessed
Midna: No, it just really objects to a Sue living in it. That would make anything bellow
Link and I harvested what crops we had and stored them in the food cellar. Then we moved all of the animals into the barn to keep them from getting sick. After the preparations were made, we waited for the winter snow.
Midna: Wow, this is so fascinating!
Link: You see why my eye's been twitching at lunch for the past few days? This is what I've been sporking!
A few days later the snow begun to fall. It got real cold in the house so I had to stay by the fire with our small son.
Midna: Ah, so the Sue got around to procreating with you. Nice!
Link: Ganondorf, if you ever feel any evil urges during this sporking, feel perfectly free to impale the kid on your Trident, okay?
Ganondorf: I shall see what I can do. Sue spawn often are terribly resilient
Link Jr was now four months old. And getting cuter with each passing day.
Link: What is it with this woman and fragments?
Midna: Aw! How cute! Isn't this so sugary? I think I'm going to throw up!
He was now crawling, and when he gets on the floor he crawls everywhere.
All: TENSE SWITCH!
I was starting to teach our son at his early age.
Link: Because you're a stupid Sue who has no idea how a child's mind works
While Link went to the castle to work with his men I stayed home to teach and care for our son.
Ganondorf: HA! Now you're Mr. Family Man!
Link: That's not me!
Even though I provided most of the teaching, Link did his part as well. I watched when there were a many a day when Link would stay home just to be with our son. I knew how much our son meant to him. Next to me Link Jr was his pride and joy.
Ganondorf and Midna: *laugh so hard they have to hold each other up for support*
Link: *hides his head between his knees*
Midna: Aw Link, I didn't know you were so in touch with your sensitive side!
Link: Shut up!
Since the snow was bad this year, I stayed by the fire most of the day, each day I would read to him.
Link: Because that's all she's good for in this fic
I wanted him to grow up smart at an early age.
Midna: Speaking as someone who was groomed from a young age to take the Twili throne, I can sympathize with that. On the other hand, I highly doubt you have the vaguest clue as to how to actually teach a child anything
Link and I agreed that with each child we had we would start teaching them as soon as possible.
Link: Yes, we know! SHUT UP!
Ganondorf: This Suethor appears to be of the mind of Stephenie Meyer, in that if she repeats something enough, that we will accept it as fact
Midna: You know, it didn't work for Meyer either
One night I was sitting by the fire with Link and our son teaching him to read.
All: WE GET IT!
Midna: Seriously, we get that it's cold and that you're by the fire and that you're teaching your rat how to read! Get on with it!
Link had a children's book that taught kids how to count.
Link: Ah yes, because those were so frequently available in Hyrule...and never actually made an in-game appearance
As Link pointed to the pictures that showed how to add our son did something amazing.
Midna: He drew the Spork of Time, stabbed his mother, and freed his father from the Sue-spell
Link: Goddesses, don't I wish!
Ganondorf: Hold a moment - this next part is hilarious! I wish to miss none of it
"See my son, if you take two apples and add them to the one you already have. You get three apples." Link said as he pointed to the pictures. "See, one plus two is three." Link smiled as our son pointed to the pictures. Then the next thing he did was shocking. "So my son what do you get when you add one and two?" "Three." Link answered. Just then our son pointed to the single apple, then to the two apples then he held up three fingers before looking at his father and giggling.
A shocked look crossed my face as I exchanged glances with my husband. "Oh my....Did you see that honey? He added one plus two and answered three!"
Midna: The kid's four months old...
Link: And he's already solving basic math
Ganondorf: What? I was able to do far greater things when I was four months of age!
Link: You were raised in the Gerudo Desert by two witches!
Ganondorf: And your point is?
Link: *rummages around in seat cushion* Wait a second, it looks like ZeldaQueen anticipated this part. She apparently left us a recording to play for it. Let's have a listen
ZeldaQuen: *on tape* EXCUSE ME??? FOUR MONTH YEAR OLD CHILDREN CANNOT DO BASIC MATH! END OF STORY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT FOUR-MONTH-OLD CHILDREN LEARN? HOW TO WAVE THEIR ARMS AROUND AND REACH FOR OBJECTS! THEY CAN'T EVEN HOLD OBJECTS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ANY FOUR-MONTH-OLD WOULD HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO SOLVE MATH PROBLEMS AND THEN INDICATE THE ANSWER? YOU DON'T JUST REPEAT THINGS TO A KID A FEW TIMES AND THE KID FIGURES IT OUT! IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT! CHILDREN DON'T LEARN MATH PROBLEMS LIKE THAT UNTIL THEY'RE SIX OR SEVEN! AND JENNA AND LINK'S REACTIONS - IF A KID COULD SOLVE MATH PROBLEMS LIKE THAT, THEY'D SEND THE RAT TO A THINK TANK AND NOT JUST GENTLY GO ON TO ONE ANOTHER ABOUT HOW CLEVER THEIR LITTLE DEAR IS! WHY ARE YOU EVEN TEACHING A FOUR-MONTH-OLD CHILD MATH ANYWAY? YOU'RE AS BAD AS THOSE MOMS WHO TRY TO TEACH THEIR CHILDREN JAPANESE FOR NO REASON WHEN THE KIDS ARE STILL IN THE WOMB! *tape clicks off*
Ganondorf: Well, there seems to be little worth adding to that. Carry on
My eyes seemed to glow as I looked at Link.
Link: And now her eyes are glowing. It seems to be catching
The same shock showed on his face. "He is going to grow up to be one smart kid, Link my love. So far we've done a good job with him." I watched as a smile crossed Link's face. "Yes we have my darling, I know he will be the smartest kid in Hyrule" Link responded.
Midna: I have to agree with ZeldaQueen's tape - they've been reading to the kid for four months and he already knows basic math and they're acting like he just got his first report card back or something
He then leaned over and kissed me. "I love you my wife."
Link: Great, here we go again
Ganondorf: Smoochy - smoochy!
Link: Knock it off!
I watched as our son pointed to the pictures in the book before I cuddled into Link's arms. We sat for awhile before I went to put our son to bed. "It's time for bed sweetie." I said as Link leaned over and kissed our son on the head before I took him upstairs. Right before I ascended the stairs, I took little Link's hand and gently waved it at his father. "Say good night to daddy." Then he giggled as I walked up the stairs.
Midna: *laughing* Why Link, I didn't know you were so domestic!
Link: That isn't me!
Ganondorf: As amusing as this is, will there be any actual plot on the way? I am quite bored
Link: Not very likely
After I put him in his cradle and waited for him to go to sleep, I went back down stairs and spent the rest of the night with Link by the fire. "He is a sleep." I said as I snuggled into Link's arms.
Ganondorf: I know not how a "sleep" can be a noun, but your son appears to be one
Link: He is not my son!
I laid there, against Link's chest watching the crackling of the fire. While he massaged my body I let my thoughts drift. As Link massaged me it felt soo good. His hands moved across my body as if they were gliding. His grip was firm but good against my sore muscles. I had spent that entire day cleaning. So I welcomed the gentle grip of his big broad hands.
Midna: Oh Link, let me see your big, broad hands!
Link: Sure, when I strangle you with them!
Ganondorf: Now Midna, taunt not the hero who so valiantly downgraded himself from Hero of Time to his wife's masseur
Link: Augh!
My thoughts drifted away and the void opened up around me.
Midna: And then she fell in
Then I begun to hear Link's voice inside my mind, his thoughts, his passions. The connection between us became full. I let my thoughts drift into his mind. Told him how I felt, told him how much I loved him. As the sound of the fire crackling ringed through my ears, Link filled into my soul.
Midna: So wait, are you having some weird spiritual sex or something?
Link: Oh fuck, here we go again...
We began to feel each other, feel each other inside. I rolled over and looked into Link's deep blue eyes,
Ganondorf: Methinks this girl is far too obsessed with your eyes
and I saw the desire burning in them. For a moment, his eyes seemed to glow against the red glow of the fire, and I was mesmerized by them.
Midna: You know, the way she's describing it makes it sound like Link's secretly a demon who's going to eat her or something
Link: Don't I wish. Actually it's the other way around in this twisted story
Then I leaned forward, pressed my lips against his and kissed him deeply. As we kissed I got lost in time, lost in his kiss, and my body got lost to his touch.
Link: Then she just got lost and was brutally murdered in the woods. She was buried in a shallow grave under a bush and there was much rejoicing
I felt the hot desire growing between us, our passions growing stronger.
Midna: Ye-haw! Link, you're a playah!
Link: That does it *moves to destroy Media Screen*
Ganondorf: *pinning Link to the sofa* Oh no you don't! Not until we've had our fill of this. I find it most entertaining
Midna: Shut up! I'm listening
Then I let myself get taken away, as I slowly laid down and opened myself to him. I eagerly started to remove his clothes so his awaiting manhood would be restricted no more.
Ganondorf: "Manhood", HA!
Midna: I know, right? The Link in this story's so effeminate, it's not even funny!
First his belt, his tunic, then I undid the lace that held his white undergarment together and pulled it off exposing his heavenly naked body.
Ganondorf: Thank you, Suethor. I always did wish to know what Link wore under his tunic
Midna: *laughing so hard she nearly chocks* I think she was referring to his leggings. There's not much more under his tunic than that
Ganondorf: How would you know this?
Midna: I was his shadow for quite awhile. I spent most of my time hovering around his ankles. Got a pretty good overhead view, if you catch my drift
Link: MFFLE DINFFLE DORF!
Midna: Oh, don't be such a baby
Then I threw my arms around him and pulled him down on top of me. I whispered in his ear that I wanted him to take me. That I wanted him to fill me up with his love.
Midna: Ah do declare! Take me, dahlin'! Make a woman out of me!
I listened to the crackling of the fire as Link caressed my naked body with his hands and lips. We both let ourselves get lost in time, lost to each other's touch. Only the sound of our two hearts beating together was heard. As we moved against each other the red glow of the fire reflected against our skin. Its warmth gave us comfort as we made love. Long into the night we fulfilled each other's desires, each other's fantasies. I let myself slip into time, and get taken away on the wings of love. The love that came to me from the heavens. When I was with Link I was in heaven.
Link: *slipping free momentarily* I, on the other hand, am in Hell! *is recaptured*
Ganondorf: I feel as if I am back within the Dark Realm, and I do not use that comparison lightly. Actually, I believe that to be too harsh. There was no bad sex in the Dark Realm
The winter snow became worse a few days later.
Midna: Wait, what?
Ganondorf: Well that was as awkward a transition as I've ever seen! Right from vague sex to the weather! *lets Link go*
Link: You ass! *is grumpy*
One day we had a snowstorm so we had to stay inside by the fire to keep warm.
Midna: Didn't she already say the snow was really bad?
Link: ZeldaQueen's going to have to do a major "Paging the Department of Redundancy Department Count" update when she wakes up. I refuse to keep count for her
This was the worst winter Hyrule had seen in twenty years. I worried that the cold would get to our son. I did not want him to get sick, so for the next few days Link and I slept by the fire with our son to keep him warm.
Midna: Ah yes, because it's so much safer to keep a several-month-old infant right next to an open fire
I hoped it would all end quickly since our anniversary was only a week away. I wanted to get him something special, but if the snow did not stop soon I would not be able to get to the Market to get him a gift.
Link: Is it just me, or is this more of her being really selfish? "Oh, it's the worst winter in twenty years and I'm just soo upset because I can't get my husband a present!"
Ganondorf: You ought to just give her a wild rompus. The woman is clearly amorous nearly all of the time
Link: Yes, of course I'll take marriage advice from a crazed murder who's tried to conquer the world. Not in this universe or any other, buddy!
Last fall after we got married the winter was a calm and mild one. There was hardly any snow and a mild cold. The autumn last year was even warm.
Midna: And this has what to do with the plot?
Link: There is no plot!
Midna: Silly me
But for some reason this year the snows came early and heavy. I even got concerned about the Zora and Goron races since each was not very adaptable to the extreme cold.
Midna: Aw, how cute! She's pretending to care
Link: She "even got concerned"? Meaning that she wouldn't normally be worried about them?
Link and I worried that those races would have survival problems. Since the Zoras were an aquatic people, the water where they live remains warm. And if their water gets too cold, they might freeze to death.
Link: You know, I kind of got the impression that their homeworld was kinda tropical
Ganondorf: If the Suethor would recall from the game, Zora's Domain only froze once and that was from my extensive black magic. I believe that nothing less could affect the climate
Link: Good to know
The Gorons live high up on Death Mountain, but they need warm climates to live in. If the cold gets too extreme, they might not survive.
Link: Why are you worried about them? They live right next to a fucking volcano! Their temple is inside the damned thing! They have all the heat they want!
We especially worried about Princess Ruto. She was the kind to go out, and spend the day finding ways to improve Hyrule's water source or Zora's Domain itself.
Link: Oh no! Ruto might go out and try to be productive! Let's patronizingly talk about her like she's an idiot!
Usually being cooped up was not her style, and she seems to get wiry if she remains in one place for to long.
Link: As opposed to you, who never leaves the house
We though she might try to go outside to get away from being cooped up all day long. She never listens to her father, always sneaking around. So we thought she might try and sneak out, and that could be bad news.
Link: Dammit, will you shut up about Ruto! Seriously, stop it! I think the watery bint is annoying as hell and I find her company infinitely preferable to yours! Stop making her sound like some irresponsible, disobedient brat! Anyway, what business is it of yours what she does? You aren't worried about Princess Zelda or her subjects or Darunia or anyone else!
Ganondorf: What is this strange hatred the Sue has towards Princess Ruto?
Link: Every girl in the game who potentially has a crush on me gets beat on, figuratively speaking of course. Ruto probably is getting it the worst because she flat-out admits that she wants to marry me
Midna: Feh. Makes me glad I'm not in the game
With that in mind, we decided that we should keep an eye out on her.
Link: Once again, why? You haven't paid her a thought before!
Midna: Who bets that this won't turn out to be a totally random plot point? Raise your hands!
Absolutely No One's Hands: *are raised*
Midna: Smart people
One day in particular, it got extremely cold. It was the coldest Hyrule had gotten in twenty years.
All: Shut up!
Midna: We get it! It's cold! Move on!
Link and I were sitting in front of the fire with our son. We had wrapped ourselves with heavy wool blankets and huddled together to stay warm. The house had gotten cold, so cold that even Lilly, Navi and Aria had to go to the little huts that we built upstairs for them to sleep in, so their wings would not get numb, preventing them from flying.
Ganondorf: Hmm. I knew not that the fairies were so delicate. Had I acquired this knowledge before, perhaps I might have frozen the annoying little thing into an ice cub
Link: Why do the fairies need "little huts" to sleep in? Navi just flew up into my hat
While Link and I were huddled together under the blankets, a knock came at the door.
Midna: Wait! Could that be a whiff of plot I smell?
Ganondorf: Nay, I suspect it is merely the disgusting quality of this fanfiction
Since it was snowing and the cold was so intense, we thought that someone would be crazy to venture outside in that terrible weather. Link and I exchanged worried glances. "Who could that be out in this awful weather?" I said as I gave Link a worried look.
Midna: Gee, do you think the weather's bad?
"I'll go see who it is." Link said as he got up dragging the heavy blanket behind him.
Link: Hey now, I ran through frozen Zora's Domain, the Ice Cavern, and Snowhead, all without so much as a jacket
Midna: Like I said, this version of you is wussified
I got up, wrapped my blanket around me, wrapped one around our son, then followed Link to the door.
Midna: Now this is getting ridiculous!
Link: Getting?
Undoing the latches, Link slowly opened the door. What we saw on the other side shocked us. There in the doorway stood the figure of a female Zora. Princess Ruto, wrapped in a heavy deep blue cloak, stood there ankle deep in the snow half frozen. "Oh my god, what are you doing out in this ungodly weather?!" I said with pure shock in my voice. Dazed, she looked at us then staggered to the door. Link reached out and grabbed Ruto by the arm and pulled her inside. Removing the cloak, I led Ruto to sit by the fire. With haste I grabbed a heavy wool blanket and wrapped it around the half frozen Zora.
Link: And completely random plot point has arrived! Hooray!
Then I went into the kitchen and made a cup of hot coco to give to her.
Link: Um, I'm pretty sure coco doesn't exist in Hyrule
After I handed her the cup, Link and I looked at her with unblinking eyes,
Ganondorf: Hmm, now that sounds creepy
Link: Period needed!
"So tell me again why you were out in that awful storm." I said with doubt in my voice.
Midna: What is there to doubt?
The adult Zora looked from me to Link, then answered in a muffled tone. "I was out examining ways to improve water flow from Lake Hylia, when the storm broke catching me in it." Reading over her statement again in my mind, it didn't make much sense. There had to be more to the story then what she was telling us.
Link: Why? Weren't you just saying that she'd probably leave to find ways to fix the water source for her people?
I looked at her squarely, as she looked down into her cup. "C'mon Ruto, there has to be a real reason why you were out there. I just find it hard to believe that you were actually out there to check on the water source. Tell me the real reason. "
Midna: Pushy lady
Ruto looked back up at me, then her face faltered.
"Well…..I…..ummm….I can't really say why. "
Link: Poor Ruto's strong, sassy character went bye-by
Ganondorf: I fail to see why this is so important to hide
Link and I exchanged looks then we looked back to Ruto. "Ruto you cannot really expect us to believe that you cannot explain why you were really out there." A glint of anger appeared in Link's jeweled eyes as he spoke. When she saw that Link was getting impatient, she finally decided to tell us the real reason why she was out in the storm.
Link: Begging my pardon here, but why the hell is it any of my fictional counterpart or Jenna's business what Ruto was up to? If she's so keen not to tell us, then why do we feel the need to butt in?
Midna: So this weak plot can continue
"Well…..I was in Zora's Domain and I was starting to feel cooped up so I decided to go to lake Hylia for a swim. As I came near the Water Temple, I decided to check inside to make sure everything was ok. As I wandered the corridors, I saw what seemed like a shadow that moved. I walked further down the corridor I was in, until something knocked me down. When I turned and looked up, I saw a shadowy figure looming over me that looked remarkably like Link. Its red eyes, pierced me like daggers, and as I looked at the figure, I could tell it was evil. I barely got out alive. That thing….almost had me. When I got outside, the storm broke. Being a Zora, I knew I wasn't going to last long out in the cold, and Zora's Domain was too far away, so that's why I came here." Ruto said in a scratchy voice, her hand shaking the cup she held. I looked at her with unblinking eyes and all I could think about was what Ruto had said.
Ganondorf: Wait, how long was she in that temple? Didn't they say that it had been showing and freezing cold for days?
Link: How did Dark Link even survive? I killed his shadowy ass deader than a pig on an island with English boarding school students. Also, I know he's a tough sub-boss, but I find it really hard to believe he could almost kill a freaking Sage
"A shadowy figure that looked like Link?" I thought to myself.
Midna: (Sue) "Let's go for a threesome!"
Link: Not funny!
I glanced over at Link, who looked white as a sheet. "Link my love whats wrong?!" Link turned to face me, his voice raspy from shock. "Oh my Goddesses…..I thought he was dead! How can he still be alive! I destroyed him myself!"
Link: What?
"Who Link……what are you talking about?!" I watched as Link's eyes lowered.
Midna: Hmm, the Sue doesn't know something. Strange
Link: Which makes no sense whatsoever. ZeldaQueen told me that the spiritual bonding ritual caused our souls to merge so she knew everything about me
Ganondorf: What was that?
Link: Nothing
"When I was in the Water Temple, about halfway through it, I entered this strange room. The room was strange, like it was straight out of a bad dream.
Link: Um, that's about every single room in that temple!
As I continued to explore the room, I felt a strange presence. As I walked towards the lone tree in the center of the room, a shadowy figure turned from behind it. When I got close enough, I could tell that the figure looked like…….me." Link's eyes faltered as he remembered that day when he met his mirror self.
Ganondorf: Zounds, ellipses overload!
"Oh Goddesses, you're kidding right?" I said with pure shock in my voice.
Midna: Bah, no one ever kids the Sue
"No, he's telling the truth." Ruto added. "I saw it with my own eyes when I was in there last." I could not believe what I was hearing. All I could think about was that there was another that looked like Link. Was this other, evil, was he good, or was he Link's twin that he does not know about? These questions raced threw my mind as the thought of this mirror image with the face of my husband was possibly running around.
Link: Why is this such a big deal? There are tons of games where heroes have to face their mirror selves
Ganondorf: He is an evil version of you. What does the Sue not understand of that?
"Link my love tell me what happened." I looked directly into Link's eternal blue eyes as a look of pure depression shone in his face.
Midna: And since the Sue demanded it, he had to comply
"When I tried to fight the mirror image, I could not land a mark on him. It seemed that he was anticipating my every move. It was a long and grueling fight, one I almost did not win."
Link: "Almost did not win"? Are you kidding me? Suethor, how little do you think of my skills? Or was that the one sub boss fight you just couldn't win, so of course you figured it just had to be worse than Ganondorf?
Ganondorf: Excuse me?
"Oh my Goddesses…Link you never told me about that!" I walked over and embraced the now shivering Link. "It was terrible, I will never forget those blood red eyes. And now with possibility that he is still running around, makes me even more nervous." I could tell now that Link was upset. Even with all the stories that Link had told me, he never told me about his encounter inside the Water Temple. "I must go to the Water Temple and check it out. If I don't, I will never be able to rest." Link said as he got up and buckled on the Master Sword over his back.
Link: I CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU ALL HOW OFFENDED THIS MAKES ME! I KILLED THE ANIMATED DEAD, FOR THE LOVE OF FRUIT SALAD! I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN ON THIS RANT!
Midna: Hey, looks like ZeldaQueen left another tape
Link: Huh, good planning. Let'er rip!
ZeldaQueen: *on tape* Right. If you're listening to this, then you just found out about Dark Link. Woo-hoo, he's going to be our source of conflict for a change.
A bit of background for those who don't know who Dark Link is. He is a sub-boss in the Water Temple. That is, he is an enemy who only shows up once and is clearly more difficult than a normal enemy, but is not the actual boss. As the name states, he is a dark version of Link, who can match all of his sword techniques. This is him, from Ocarina of Time
ZeldaQueen: Now, to be fair it's possible to see why one would choose Dark Link to be the villain in a fanfiction. Fan speculation is that he's the dark side of Link given physical form, which is always interesting. He's pretty mysterious, seems rather out of place in the Water Temple, and just shows up out of nowhere in a room that later turns into an illusion. And as the picture above shows, he's pretty creepy.
That being said though, Link's Queen is just pulling things from her butt once more with this. Because Link's reaction to Dark Link's apparent return (despite the fact that he clearly died and had no reason to come back in the game)? Completely unwarranted and over-the-top. Let's just ignore the fact that the events of the game stipulated that Link already beat Dark Link and thus ought to be familiar with his tricks and weaknesses and move on to the fact that, once you've figured him out, Dark Link just isn't as tough as he first appears. Yes, he can match all of Link's sword moves, but it still is possible to pull fast ones on him. It takes some planning, but really nothing out of the league of anything else Link did in the game. Then there's the fact that Dark Link has pretty much no defenses against sword attacks that are taught (like the Spin Attack) or items that are found (like the Megaton Hammer). In fact, one of Link's items is a handy little thing called Din's Fire, which when activated, sends out a huge freaking fireball like so
ZeldaQueen: Just using that alone several times is enough to guarantee a swift and completely safe victory. It's established in the next chapter that Link still has his items from the game and thus ought to still have Din's Fire. So keeping all of that in mind, why on Earth is he so terrified? I mean, Link wasn't even afraid of the giant, disembodied eyeball with two hands he fought in a crypt! I could see him going off to stop Dark Link again, but certainly not shaking in fear and going "Ohes Noes!" It'd be more like "Bah, he survived? Gimme five minutes". I'm also curious as to how Ruto seems so terrified of Dark Link, since it's generally accepted amongst the fandom that Dark Link is a personal test to Link alone, and thus is not a threat to anyone. Wrap that all up with the fact that Dark Link shows no more signs of intelligence than the other monster enemies and I fail to see how this is at all an issue. *tape ends*
Then he put on his deep green cloak as he prepared to venture outside. "Link my love you cannot venture out in that dangerous storm." I said as I grabbed his arm.
Midna: (Sue) "Of course, my love! You mustn't risk getting a cold! Just let the evil creature wander around"
"Jenna my dear wife, I must go. If that mirror image of me is still on the loose, that could mean serious trouble." Link's jeweled blue eyes pierced me deep into my soul.
Midna: By the Goddesses, this is just stupid!
As I stared into them, I begun to understand that he had to go find out if the evil in the shape of his image was still inside the Water Temple.
Link: Oh, only just now? Kind of slow on the uptake, aren't you?
I wondered how Gannondorf could create such an atrocity.
Ganondorf: Yes, never mind the fact that I trapped all of the Zoras under a sheet of ice! Never mind the fact that I resurrected a dragon to eat all of the Gorons! Never mind the fact that I created a shade of myself! Never mind the fact that I unleashed a monstrous demon from a well! Oh no, a dark clone of Link, which the fandom is undecided as to whether or not I actually created it or not, is so much worse than all of that!
"Well I understand that you must go to the Temple and see if it is true that this copy is wandering its corridors, but you are not going without me." I said as I grabbed my deep blue cloak and put it on, lifting the hood over my head.
Midna: Um...why?
"Jenna my love, you cannot come. Its
All: APOSTROPHE!
too dangerous and some one needs to stay here and care for our son." Link said as he lifted my head up until our eyes met. Pushing his hand away a hint of irritation appeared in my voice.
Link: (Sue) "Listen bozo, I do whatever I want! So just bend over and take it like a man!
"First off, I cannot just let you venture out in that storm alone, second Ruto as well as Lilly and Navi are here so they can care for our son while we're away. Ruto is still not able to go back to Zora's Domain yet so she should stay here anyway." I said as I headed towards the door.
Ganondorf: So they are making the Sage of Water be a babysitter? How insulting
Link grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Jenna my love, you do not understand. I don't want to loose you,
Midna: So tighten her
the Temple is dangerous and so is my mirror self." Link looked at me with concern in his eyes.
Link: Well the Water Temple is fucking annoying to navigate, that's for damned certain. I still refuse to believe that Dark Link would cause me so much distress though
And all I could think about was that I didn't want to loose him either.
Ganondorf: Right - I propose that we find a length of rope, tie them tightly together so that none of them are loose, and then cast them both into the Dark Realm
Link: Seconded
"I'm still going, I don't want to loose either.
Link: Dammit!
I love you, and I want to protect you. Who knows what this mirror self might be planning." I said as I threw my arms around Link.
Link: Certainly not you!
Midna: I'm confused. Has this girl shown any signs of knowing advanced combat or have any sorts of weapons or powers?
Link: *scanning earlier sporkings* besides one mention of how to shoot a bow and arrow, no
Midna: Then how does she figure that she can help?
Ganondorf: There is no room for logic in this story!
"Sigh. That is one of the reasons why I married you my dear Jenna." Link said as he pressed his lips on mine.
Link: Because she's an obsessively co-dependent tart who can't go for more than two seconds without clinging?
Ganondorf: Because she is a terrible Mary Sue who doubts her husband's abilities to the point of it being insulting?
Midna: Why did she actually have Link say "sigh"?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Link: There. It's over it's done, now get out!
Midna: Not on your life! I want to see how this turns out
Ganondorf: Likewise
Link: God damned Sues...
Onward to: Chapter 13: The Encounter
Back to: Chapter 11: The Blessing
Return to: Table of Content
Link: Wait a second! ZeldaQueen still hasn't woken up and I refuse to spork this junk alone!
Projection Room Voices: Fine. We'll get you some help. *over loudspeaker* Will Ganondorf and Midna please come to the sporking chamber? Ganondorf and Midna!
Link: WHAT??? NO, not them!
Projection Room Voices: Too late. You should have spoken up when you had the chance
Link: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE JUST GOING TO SHOUT OUT FOR THEM!
Ganondorf: What in the name of Hyrule is it? I thought my schedule was clear for the day!
Midna: Whatever this is, it had best be good
Projection Room Voices: We're sending in the previous sporking highlights now
Ganondorf: Most excellent. My Inner Life?
Link: NO! DON'T READ IT!
Midna: I'll do it. Anything that gets Link this flustered has got to be good
Ganondorf: Agreed
Link: Oh you assholes!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 12: Down the Road
Down the Road
Midna: *sings* "Down the road again!"
As winter arrived early (earlier then normal) the cold winds became too much for the crops to handle.
Midna: Does the Suethor ever say what "normal" is, or do we get to guess?
Ganondorf: Just to be spiteful, I believe she means that the snow came in the middle of summer
Link: For all we know, it could have. I honestly have no idea when this is supposed to be
I had to go harvest what we had before the snow started to fall. Since we had a storage room bellow the house,
Ganondorf: By the Triforce Link, your house appears to have been possessed
Midna: No, it just really objects to a Sue living in it. That would make anything bellow
Link and I harvested what crops we had and stored them in the food cellar. Then we moved all of the animals into the barn to keep them from getting sick. After the preparations were made, we waited for the winter snow.
Midna: Wow, this is so fascinating!
Link: You see why my eye's been twitching at lunch for the past few days? This is what I've been sporking!
A few days later the snow begun to fall. It got real cold in the house so I had to stay by the fire with our small son.
Midna: Ah, so the Sue got around to procreating with you. Nice!
Link: Ganondorf, if you ever feel any evil urges during this sporking, feel perfectly free to impale the kid on your Trident, okay?
Ganondorf: I shall see what I can do. Sue spawn often are terribly resilient
Link Jr was now four months old. And getting cuter with each passing day.
Link: What is it with this woman and fragments?
Midna: Aw! How cute! Isn't this so sugary? I think I'm going to throw up!
He was now crawling, and when he gets on the floor he crawls everywhere.
All: TENSE SWITCH!
I was starting to teach our son at his early age.
Link: Because you're a stupid Sue who has no idea how a child's mind works
While Link went to the castle to work with his men I stayed home to teach and care for our son.
Ganondorf: HA! Now you're Mr. Family Man!
Link: That's not me!
Even though I provided most of the teaching, Link did his part as well. I watched when there were a many a day when Link would stay home just to be with our son. I knew how much our son meant to him. Next to me Link Jr was his pride and joy.
Ganondorf and Midna: *laugh so hard they have to hold each other up for support*
Link: *hides his head between his knees*
Midna: Aw Link, I didn't know you were so in touch with your sensitive side!
Link: Shut up!
Since the snow was bad this year, I stayed by the fire most of the day, each day I would read to him.
Link: Because that's all she's good for in this fic
I wanted him to grow up smart at an early age.
Midna: Speaking as someone who was groomed from a young age to take the Twili throne, I can sympathize with that. On the other hand, I highly doubt you have the vaguest clue as to how to actually teach a child anything
Link and I agreed that with each child we had we would start teaching them as soon as possible.
Link: Yes, we know! SHUT UP!
Ganondorf: This Suethor appears to be of the mind of Stephenie Meyer, in that if she repeats something enough, that we will accept it as fact
Midna: You know, it didn't work for Meyer either
One night I was sitting by the fire with Link and our son teaching him to read.
All: WE GET IT!
Midna: Seriously, we get that it's cold and that you're by the fire and that you're teaching your rat how to read! Get on with it!
Link had a children's book that taught kids how to count.
Link: Ah yes, because those were so frequently available in Hyrule...and never actually made an in-game appearance
As Link pointed to the pictures that showed how to add our son did something amazing.
Midna: He drew the Spork of Time, stabbed his mother, and freed his father from the Sue-spell
Link: Goddesses, don't I wish!
Ganondorf: Hold a moment - this next part is hilarious! I wish to miss none of it
"See my son, if you take two apples and add them to the one you already have. You get three apples." Link said as he pointed to the pictures. "See, one plus two is three." Link smiled as our son pointed to the pictures. Then the next thing he did was shocking. "So my son what do you get when you add one and two?" "Three." Link answered. Just then our son pointed to the single apple, then to the two apples then he held up three fingers before looking at his father and giggling.
A shocked look crossed my face as I exchanged glances with my husband. "Oh my....Did you see that honey? He added one plus two and answered three!"
Midna: The kid's four months old...
Link: And he's already solving basic math
Ganondorf: What? I was able to do far greater things when I was four months of age!
Link: You were raised in the Gerudo Desert by two witches!
Ganondorf: And your point is?
Link: *rummages around in seat cushion* Wait a second, it looks like ZeldaQueen anticipated this part. She apparently left us a recording to play for it. Let's have a listen
ZeldaQuen: *on tape* EXCUSE ME??? FOUR MONTH YEAR OLD CHILDREN CANNOT DO BASIC MATH! END OF STORY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT FOUR-MONTH-OLD CHILDREN LEARN? HOW TO WAVE THEIR ARMS AROUND AND REACH FOR OBJECTS! THEY CAN'T EVEN HOLD OBJECTS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ANY FOUR-MONTH-OLD WOULD HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO SOLVE MATH PROBLEMS AND THEN INDICATE THE ANSWER? YOU DON'T JUST REPEAT THINGS TO A KID A FEW TIMES AND THE KID FIGURES IT OUT! IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT! CHILDREN DON'T LEARN MATH PROBLEMS LIKE THAT UNTIL THEY'RE SIX OR SEVEN! AND JENNA AND LINK'S REACTIONS - IF A KID COULD SOLVE MATH PROBLEMS LIKE THAT, THEY'D SEND THE RAT TO A THINK TANK AND NOT JUST GENTLY GO ON TO ONE ANOTHER ABOUT HOW CLEVER THEIR LITTLE DEAR IS! WHY ARE YOU EVEN TEACHING A FOUR-MONTH-OLD CHILD MATH ANYWAY? YOU'RE AS BAD AS THOSE MOMS WHO TRY TO TEACH THEIR CHILDREN JAPANESE FOR NO REASON WHEN THE KIDS ARE STILL IN THE WOMB! *tape clicks off*
Ganondorf: Well, there seems to be little worth adding to that. Carry on
My eyes seemed to glow as I looked at Link.
Link: And now her eyes are glowing. It seems to be catching
The same shock showed on his face. "He is going to grow up to be one smart kid, Link my love. So far we've done a good job with him." I watched as a smile crossed Link's face. "Yes we have my darling, I know he will be the smartest kid in Hyrule" Link responded.
Midna: I have to agree with ZeldaQueen's tape - they've been reading to the kid for four months and he already knows basic math and they're acting like he just got his first report card back or something
He then leaned over and kissed me. "I love you my wife."
Link: Great, here we go again
Ganondorf: Smoochy - smoochy!
Link: Knock it off!
I watched as our son pointed to the pictures in the book before I cuddled into Link's arms. We sat for awhile before I went to put our son to bed. "It's time for bed sweetie." I said as Link leaned over and kissed our son on the head before I took him upstairs. Right before I ascended the stairs, I took little Link's hand and gently waved it at his father. "Say good night to daddy." Then he giggled as I walked up the stairs.
Midna: *laughing* Why Link, I didn't know you were so domestic!
Link: That isn't me!
Ganondorf: As amusing as this is, will there be any actual plot on the way? I am quite bored
Link: Not very likely
After I put him in his cradle and waited for him to go to sleep, I went back down stairs and spent the rest of the night with Link by the fire. "He is a sleep." I said as I snuggled into Link's arms.
Ganondorf: I know not how a "sleep" can be a noun, but your son appears to be one
Link: He is not my son!
I laid there, against Link's chest watching the crackling of the fire. While he massaged my body I let my thoughts drift. As Link massaged me it felt soo good. His hands moved across my body as if they were gliding. His grip was firm but good against my sore muscles. I had spent that entire day cleaning. So I welcomed the gentle grip of his big broad hands.
Midna: Oh Link, let me see your big, broad hands!
Link: Sure, when I strangle you with them!
Ganondorf: Now Midna, taunt not the hero who so valiantly downgraded himself from Hero of Time to his wife's masseur
Link: Augh!
My thoughts drifted away and the void opened up around me.
Midna: And then she fell in
Then I begun to hear Link's voice inside my mind, his thoughts, his passions. The connection between us became full. I let my thoughts drift into his mind. Told him how I felt, told him how much I loved him. As the sound of the fire crackling ringed through my ears, Link filled into my soul.
Midna: So wait, are you having some weird spiritual sex or something?
Link: Oh fuck, here we go again...
We began to feel each other, feel each other inside. I rolled over and looked into Link's deep blue eyes,
Ganondorf: Methinks this girl is far too obsessed with your eyes
and I saw the desire burning in them. For a moment, his eyes seemed to glow against the red glow of the fire, and I was mesmerized by them.
Midna: You know, the way she's describing it makes it sound like Link's secretly a demon who's going to eat her or something
Link: Don't I wish. Actually it's the other way around in this twisted story
Then I leaned forward, pressed my lips against his and kissed him deeply. As we kissed I got lost in time, lost in his kiss, and my body got lost to his touch.
Link: Then she just got lost and was brutally murdered in the woods. She was buried in a shallow grave under a bush and there was much rejoicing
I felt the hot desire growing between us, our passions growing stronger.
Midna: Ye-haw! Link, you're a playah!
Link: That does it *moves to destroy Media Screen*
Ganondorf: *pinning Link to the sofa* Oh no you don't! Not until we've had our fill of this. I find it most entertaining
Midna: Shut up! I'm listening
Then I let myself get taken away, as I slowly laid down and opened myself to him. I eagerly started to remove his clothes so his awaiting manhood would be restricted no more.
Ganondorf: "Manhood", HA!
Midna: I know, right? The Link in this story's so effeminate, it's not even funny!
First his belt, his tunic, then I undid the lace that held his white undergarment together and pulled it off exposing his heavenly naked body.
Ganondorf: Thank you, Suethor. I always did wish to know what Link wore under his tunic
Midna: *laughing so hard she nearly chocks* I think she was referring to his leggings. There's not much more under his tunic than that
Ganondorf: How would you know this?
Midna: I was his shadow for quite awhile. I spent most of my time hovering around his ankles. Got a pretty good overhead view, if you catch my drift
Link: MFFLE DINFFLE DORF!
Midna: Oh, don't be such a baby
Then I threw my arms around him and pulled him down on top of me. I whispered in his ear that I wanted him to take me. That I wanted him to fill me up with his love.
Midna: Ah do declare! Take me, dahlin'! Make a woman out of me!
I listened to the crackling of the fire as Link caressed my naked body with his hands and lips. We both let ourselves get lost in time, lost to each other's touch. Only the sound of our two hearts beating together was heard. As we moved against each other the red glow of the fire reflected against our skin. Its warmth gave us comfort as we made love. Long into the night we fulfilled each other's desires, each other's fantasies. I let myself slip into time, and get taken away on the wings of love. The love that came to me from the heavens. When I was with Link I was in heaven.
Link: *slipping free momentarily* I, on the other hand, am in Hell! *is recaptured*
Ganondorf: I feel as if I am back within the Dark Realm, and I do not use that comparison lightly. Actually, I believe that to be too harsh. There was no bad sex in the Dark Realm
The winter snow became worse a few days later.
Midna: Wait, what?
Ganondorf: Well that was as awkward a transition as I've ever seen! Right from vague sex to the weather! *lets Link go*
Link: You ass! *is grumpy*
One day we had a snowstorm so we had to stay inside by the fire to keep warm.
Midna: Didn't she already say the snow was really bad?
Link: ZeldaQueen's going to have to do a major "Paging the Department of Redundancy Department Count" update when she wakes up. I refuse to keep count for her
This was the worst winter Hyrule had seen in twenty years. I worried that the cold would get to our son. I did not want him to get sick, so for the next few days Link and I slept by the fire with our son to keep him warm.
Midna: Ah yes, because it's so much safer to keep a several-month-old infant right next to an open fire
I hoped it would all end quickly since our anniversary was only a week away. I wanted to get him something special, but if the snow did not stop soon I would not be able to get to the Market to get him a gift.
Link: Is it just me, or is this more of her being really selfish? "Oh, it's the worst winter in twenty years and I'm just soo upset because I can't get my husband a present!"
Ganondorf: You ought to just give her a wild rompus. The woman is clearly amorous nearly all of the time
Link: Yes, of course I'll take marriage advice from a crazed murder who's tried to conquer the world. Not in this universe or any other, buddy!
Last fall after we got married the winter was a calm and mild one. There was hardly any snow and a mild cold. The autumn last year was even warm.
Midna: And this has what to do with the plot?
Link: There is no plot!
Midna: Silly me
But for some reason this year the snows came early and heavy. I even got concerned about the Zora and Goron races since each was not very adaptable to the extreme cold.
Midna: Aw, how cute! She's pretending to care
Link: She "even got concerned"? Meaning that she wouldn't normally be worried about them?
Link and I worried that those races would have survival problems. Since the Zoras were an aquatic people, the water where they live remains warm. And if their water gets too cold, they might freeze to death.
Link: You know, I kind of got the impression that their homeworld was kinda tropical
Ganondorf: If the Suethor would recall from the game, Zora's Domain only froze once and that was from my extensive black magic. I believe that nothing less could affect the climate
Link: Good to know
The Gorons live high up on Death Mountain, but they need warm climates to live in. If the cold gets too extreme, they might not survive.
Link: Why are you worried about them? They live right next to a fucking volcano! Their temple is inside the damned thing! They have all the heat they want!
We especially worried about Princess Ruto. She was the kind to go out, and spend the day finding ways to improve Hyrule's water source or Zora's Domain itself.
Link: Oh no! Ruto might go out and try to be productive! Let's patronizingly talk about her like she's an idiot!
Usually being cooped up was not her style, and she seems to get wiry if she remains in one place for to long.
Link: As opposed to you, who never leaves the house
We though she might try to go outside to get away from being cooped up all day long. She never listens to her father, always sneaking around. So we thought she might try and sneak out, and that could be bad news.
Link: Dammit, will you shut up about Ruto! Seriously, stop it! I think the watery bint is annoying as hell and I find her company infinitely preferable to yours! Stop making her sound like some irresponsible, disobedient brat! Anyway, what business is it of yours what she does? You aren't worried about Princess Zelda or her subjects or Darunia or anyone else!
Ganondorf: What is this strange hatred the Sue has towards Princess Ruto?
Link: Every girl in the game who potentially has a crush on me gets beat on, figuratively speaking of course. Ruto probably is getting it the worst because she flat-out admits that she wants to marry me
Midna: Feh. Makes me glad I'm not in the game
With that in mind, we decided that we should keep an eye out on her.
Link: Once again, why? You haven't paid her a thought before!
Midna: Who bets that this won't turn out to be a totally random plot point? Raise your hands!
Absolutely No One's Hands: *are raised*
Midna: Smart people
One day in particular, it got extremely cold. It was the coldest Hyrule had gotten in twenty years.
All: Shut up!
Midna: We get it! It's cold! Move on!
Link and I were sitting in front of the fire with our son. We had wrapped ourselves with heavy wool blankets and huddled together to stay warm. The house had gotten cold, so cold that even Lilly, Navi and Aria had to go to the little huts that we built upstairs for them to sleep in, so their wings would not get numb, preventing them from flying.
Ganondorf: Hmm. I knew not that the fairies were so delicate. Had I acquired this knowledge before, perhaps I might have frozen the annoying little thing into an ice cub
Link: Why do the fairies need "little huts" to sleep in? Navi just flew up into my hat
While Link and I were huddled together under the blankets, a knock came at the door.
Midna: Wait! Could that be a whiff of plot I smell?
Ganondorf: Nay, I suspect it is merely the disgusting quality of this fanfiction
Since it was snowing and the cold was so intense, we thought that someone would be crazy to venture outside in that terrible weather. Link and I exchanged worried glances. "Who could that be out in this awful weather?" I said as I gave Link a worried look.
Midna: Gee, do you think the weather's bad?
"I'll go see who it is." Link said as he got up dragging the heavy blanket behind him.
Link: Hey now, I ran through frozen Zora's Domain, the Ice Cavern, and Snowhead, all without so much as a jacket
Midna: Like I said, this version of you is wussified
I got up, wrapped my blanket around me, wrapped one around our son, then followed Link to the door.
Midna: Now this is getting ridiculous!
Link: Getting?
Undoing the latches, Link slowly opened the door. What we saw on the other side shocked us. There in the doorway stood the figure of a female Zora. Princess Ruto, wrapped in a heavy deep blue cloak, stood there ankle deep in the snow half frozen. "Oh my god, what are you doing out in this ungodly weather?!" I said with pure shock in my voice. Dazed, she looked at us then staggered to the door. Link reached out and grabbed Ruto by the arm and pulled her inside. Removing the cloak, I led Ruto to sit by the fire. With haste I grabbed a heavy wool blanket and wrapped it around the half frozen Zora.
Link: And completely random plot point has arrived! Hooray!
Then I went into the kitchen and made a cup of hot coco to give to her.
Link: Um, I'm pretty sure coco doesn't exist in Hyrule
After I handed her the cup, Link and I looked at her with unblinking eyes,
Ganondorf: Hmm, now that sounds creepy
Link: Period needed!
"So tell me again why you were out in that awful storm." I said with doubt in my voice.
Midna: What is there to doubt?
The adult Zora looked from me to Link, then answered in a muffled tone. "I was out examining ways to improve water flow from Lake Hylia, when the storm broke catching me in it." Reading over her statement again in my mind, it didn't make much sense. There had to be more to the story then what she was telling us.
Link: Why? Weren't you just saying that she'd probably leave to find ways to fix the water source for her people?
I looked at her squarely, as she looked down into her cup. "C'mon Ruto, there has to be a real reason why you were out there. I just find it hard to believe that you were actually out there to check on the water source. Tell me the real reason. "
Midna: Pushy lady
Ruto looked back up at me, then her face faltered.
"Well…..I…..ummm….I can't really say why. "
Link: Poor Ruto's strong, sassy character went bye-by
Ganondorf: I fail to see why this is so important to hide
Link and I exchanged looks then we looked back to Ruto. "Ruto you cannot really expect us to believe that you cannot explain why you were really out there." A glint of anger appeared in Link's jeweled eyes as he spoke. When she saw that Link was getting impatient, she finally decided to tell us the real reason why she was out in the storm.
Link: Begging my pardon here, but why the hell is it any of my fictional counterpart or Jenna's business what Ruto was up to? If she's so keen not to tell us, then why do we feel the need to butt in?
Midna: So this weak plot can continue
"Well…..I was in Zora's Domain and I was starting to feel cooped up so I decided to go to lake Hylia for a swim. As I came near the Water Temple, I decided to check inside to make sure everything was ok. As I wandered the corridors, I saw what seemed like a shadow that moved. I walked further down the corridor I was in, until something knocked me down. When I turned and looked up, I saw a shadowy figure looming over me that looked remarkably like Link. Its red eyes, pierced me like daggers, and as I looked at the figure, I could tell it was evil. I barely got out alive. That thing….almost had me. When I got outside, the storm broke. Being a Zora, I knew I wasn't going to last long out in the cold, and Zora's Domain was too far away, so that's why I came here." Ruto said in a scratchy voice, her hand shaking the cup she held. I looked at her with unblinking eyes and all I could think about was what Ruto had said.
Ganondorf: Wait, how long was she in that temple? Didn't they say that it had been showing and freezing cold for days?
Link: How did Dark Link even survive? I killed his shadowy ass deader than a pig on an island with English boarding school students. Also, I know he's a tough sub-boss, but I find it really hard to believe he could almost kill a freaking Sage
"A shadowy figure that looked like Link?" I thought to myself.
Midna: (Sue) "Let's go for a threesome!"
Link: Not funny!
I glanced over at Link, who looked white as a sheet. "Link my love whats wrong?!" Link turned to face me, his voice raspy from shock. "Oh my Goddesses…..I thought he was dead! How can he still be alive! I destroyed him myself!"
Link: What?
"Who Link……what are you talking about?!" I watched as Link's eyes lowered.
Midna: Hmm, the Sue doesn't know something. Strange
Link: Which makes no sense whatsoever. ZeldaQueen told me that the spiritual bonding ritual caused our souls to merge so she knew everything about me
Ganondorf: What was that?
Link: Nothing
"When I was in the Water Temple, about halfway through it, I entered this strange room. The room was strange, like it was straight out of a bad dream.
Link: Um, that's about every single room in that temple!
As I continued to explore the room, I felt a strange presence. As I walked towards the lone tree in the center of the room, a shadowy figure turned from behind it. When I got close enough, I could tell that the figure looked like…….me." Link's eyes faltered as he remembered that day when he met his mirror self.
Ganondorf: Zounds, ellipses overload!
"Oh Goddesses, you're kidding right?" I said with pure shock in my voice.
Midna: Bah, no one ever kids the Sue
"No, he's telling the truth." Ruto added. "I saw it with my own eyes when I was in there last." I could not believe what I was hearing. All I could think about was that there was another that looked like Link. Was this other, evil, was he good, or was he Link's twin that he does not know about? These questions raced threw my mind as the thought of this mirror image with the face of my husband was possibly running around.
Link: Why is this such a big deal? There are tons of games where heroes have to face their mirror selves
Ganondorf: He is an evil version of you. What does the Sue not understand of that?
"Link my love tell me what happened." I looked directly into Link's eternal blue eyes as a look of pure depression shone in his face.
Midna: And since the Sue demanded it, he had to comply
"When I tried to fight the mirror image, I could not land a mark on him. It seemed that he was anticipating my every move. It was a long and grueling fight, one I almost did not win."
Link: "Almost did not win"? Are you kidding me? Suethor, how little do you think of my skills? Or was that the one sub boss fight you just couldn't win, so of course you figured it just had to be worse than Ganondorf?
Ganondorf: Excuse me?
"Oh my Goddesses…Link you never told me about that!" I walked over and embraced the now shivering Link. "It was terrible, I will never forget those blood red eyes. And now with possibility that he is still running around, makes me even more nervous." I could tell now that Link was upset. Even with all the stories that Link had told me, he never told me about his encounter inside the Water Temple. "I must go to the Water Temple and check it out. If I don't, I will never be able to rest." Link said as he got up and buckled on the Master Sword over his back.
Link: I CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU ALL HOW OFFENDED THIS MAKES ME! I KILLED THE ANIMATED DEAD, FOR THE LOVE OF FRUIT SALAD! I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN ON THIS RANT!
Midna: Hey, looks like ZeldaQueen left another tape
Link: Huh, good planning. Let'er rip!
ZeldaQueen: *on tape* Right. If you're listening to this, then you just found out about Dark Link. Woo-hoo, he's going to be our source of conflict for a change.
A bit of background for those who don't know who Dark Link is. He is a sub-boss in the Water Temple. That is, he is an enemy who only shows up once and is clearly more difficult than a normal enemy, but is not the actual boss. As the name states, he is a dark version of Link, who can match all of his sword techniques. This is him, from Ocarina of Time
ZeldaQueen: Now, to be fair it's possible to see why one would choose Dark Link to be the villain in a fanfiction. Fan speculation is that he's the dark side of Link given physical form, which is always interesting. He's pretty mysterious, seems rather out of place in the Water Temple, and just shows up out of nowhere in a room that later turns into an illusion. And as the picture above shows, he's pretty creepy.
That being said though, Link's Queen is just pulling things from her butt once more with this. Because Link's reaction to Dark Link's apparent return (despite the fact that he clearly died and had no reason to come back in the game)? Completely unwarranted and over-the-top. Let's just ignore the fact that the events of the game stipulated that Link already beat Dark Link and thus ought to be familiar with his tricks and weaknesses and move on to the fact that, once you've figured him out, Dark Link just isn't as tough as he first appears. Yes, he can match all of Link's sword moves, but it still is possible to pull fast ones on him. It takes some planning, but really nothing out of the league of anything else Link did in the game. Then there's the fact that Dark Link has pretty much no defenses against sword attacks that are taught (like the Spin Attack) or items that are found (like the Megaton Hammer). In fact, one of Link's items is a handy little thing called Din's Fire, which when activated, sends out a huge freaking fireball like so
ZeldaQueen: Just using that alone several times is enough to guarantee a swift and completely safe victory. It's established in the next chapter that Link still has his items from the game and thus ought to still have Din's Fire. So keeping all of that in mind, why on Earth is he so terrified? I mean, Link wasn't even afraid of the giant, disembodied eyeball with two hands he fought in a crypt! I could see him going off to stop Dark Link again, but certainly not shaking in fear and going "Ohes Noes!" It'd be more like "Bah, he survived? Gimme five minutes". I'm also curious as to how Ruto seems so terrified of Dark Link, since it's generally accepted amongst the fandom that Dark Link is a personal test to Link alone, and thus is not a threat to anyone. Wrap that all up with the fact that Dark Link shows no more signs of intelligence than the other monster enemies and I fail to see how this is at all an issue. *tape ends*
Then he put on his deep green cloak as he prepared to venture outside. "Link my love you cannot venture out in that dangerous storm." I said as I grabbed his arm.
Midna: (Sue) "Of course, my love! You mustn't risk getting a cold! Just let the evil creature wander around"
"Jenna my dear wife, I must go. If that mirror image of me is still on the loose, that could mean serious trouble." Link's jeweled blue eyes pierced me deep into my soul.
Midna: By the Goddesses, this is just stupid!
As I stared into them, I begun to understand that he had to go find out if the evil in the shape of his image was still inside the Water Temple.
Link: Oh, only just now? Kind of slow on the uptake, aren't you?
I wondered how Gannondorf could create such an atrocity.
Ganondorf: Yes, never mind the fact that I trapped all of the Zoras under a sheet of ice! Never mind the fact that I resurrected a dragon to eat all of the Gorons! Never mind the fact that I created a shade of myself! Never mind the fact that I unleashed a monstrous demon from a well! Oh no, a dark clone of Link, which the fandom is undecided as to whether or not I actually created it or not, is so much worse than all of that!
"Well I understand that you must go to the Temple and see if it is true that this copy is wandering its corridors, but you are not going without me." I said as I grabbed my deep blue cloak and put it on, lifting the hood over my head.
Midna: Um...why?
"Jenna my love, you cannot come. Its
All: APOSTROPHE!
too dangerous and some one needs to stay here and care for our son." Link said as he lifted my head up until our eyes met. Pushing his hand away a hint of irritation appeared in my voice.
Link: (Sue) "Listen bozo, I do whatever I want! So just bend over and take it like a man!
"First off, I cannot just let you venture out in that storm alone, second Ruto as well as Lilly and Navi are here so they can care for our son while we're away. Ruto is still not able to go back to Zora's Domain yet so she should stay here anyway." I said as I headed towards the door.
Ganondorf: So they are making the Sage of Water be a babysitter? How insulting
Link grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Jenna my love, you do not understand. I don't want to loose you,
Midna: So tighten her
the Temple is dangerous and so is my mirror self." Link looked at me with concern in his eyes.
Link: Well the Water Temple is fucking annoying to navigate, that's for damned certain. I still refuse to believe that Dark Link would cause me so much distress though
And all I could think about was that I didn't want to loose him either.
Ganondorf: Right - I propose that we find a length of rope, tie them tightly together so that none of them are loose, and then cast them both into the Dark Realm
Link: Seconded
"I'm still going, I don't want to loose either.
Link: Dammit!
I love you, and I want to protect you. Who knows what this mirror self might be planning." I said as I threw my arms around Link.
Link: Certainly not you!
Midna: I'm confused. Has this girl shown any signs of knowing advanced combat or have any sorts of weapons or powers?
Link: *scanning earlier sporkings* besides one mention of how to shoot a bow and arrow, no
Midna: Then how does she figure that she can help?
Ganondorf: There is no room for logic in this story!
"Sigh. That is one of the reasons why I married you my dear Jenna." Link said as he pressed his lips on mine.
Link: Because she's an obsessively co-dependent tart who can't go for more than two seconds without clinging?
Ganondorf: Because she is a terrible Mary Sue who doubts her husband's abilities to the point of it being insulting?
Midna: Why did she actually have Link say "sigh"?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Link: There. It's over it's done, now get out!
Midna: Not on your life! I want to see how this turns out
Ganondorf: Likewise
Link: God damned Sues...
Onward to: Chapter 13: The Encounter
Back to: Chapter 11: The Blessing
Return to: Table of Content
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-25 06:25 am (UTC)Oh, and Suethor? Dark Link's not that big a deal, combat-wise. In SSBM, there are 51 Event Matches in ascending order of difficulty. You know where you fight Dark/Shadow Link? Somewhere around seven. I killed that mofo in less than three minutes. So don't make it like such an awful thing for Link to beat his ass. Or what, you didn't want to tip your hand early and have Ganondorf show up?
Yeah, I absolutely refuse to believe she dreamed about all of this. Let me look up "lucid dreaming" for a second...
"A lucid dream is a dream in which the sleeper is aware that he or she is dreaming. When the dreamer is lucid, he or she can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can seem extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream."
"Second life," my freckled arse.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-25 03:17 pm (UTC)I might add that he's a REALLY bad villain. I mean, you thought the Volturi were cliche? Yeah.
I just don't believe she was dreaming at all because honestly? This many dreams in so much detail? Wouldn't that be some sort of a medical miracle or something?
(no subject)
Date: 2014-04-18 08:02 pm (UTC)Though I doubt that Jenna Silverspoon ever played the NES games.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-25 08:47 am (UTC)1) Winter; yes, it's cold. Deal with it. (Incidentally, an extra cold winter could be a good plot device to show that something is wrong with the kingdom ie. Ganondorf)
2) Ruto lying; if you were exploring your temple and found a potentially dangerous monster that was somehow back from the dead, why would you try to hide it? Especially from the one who killed it last time.
3) Pressurising Ruto; She's the Sage of Water, why the hell shouldn't she be in her temple?
4) Dark Link; as much as I like Darky and there are some good fanfictions involving him, he is not that hard to beat. Link acting like a winey bitch is completley out of character and un-necessisary.
5) Dark Link pt. 2; It's very cold and the temple is under water, he is probably not going anywhere any time soon.
6) 'Loosing' each other; seriously, Link has faced worse.
By the way, did I mention that I slash Link and Dark Link?On another note: look, it's Midna and Ganondorf! Hi Midna and Ganondorf! *waves*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-25 03:03 pm (UTC)And yep, they're here! :D And probably will be sticking around. Poor Link will never hear the end of this from the.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-25 03:50 pm (UTC)And all I can see is this (http://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic1-120906.php).
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-25 04:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-04 08:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-04 11:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-11-15 12:52 am (UTC)Mikey:But what about your NEXT CHILD (cause I just know they have to have more). God these kids will have to kill eachother to decide who gets to be the new #1 sue! Like The Highlander - only infinitenly more boring!
'He then leaned over and kissed me. "I love you my wife."'
Mikey (Link?): My darling - my reason for being - MY WIFE MY WIFE MY WIFE *Head explodes- it was a robot as expected*
'We sat for awhile before I went to put our son to bed. "It's time for bed sweetie.(Mikey(sue): We wanna have some sex and you'll just get in the way brat)"'
'Link: Well the Water Temple is fucking annoying to navigate, that's for damned certain. I still refuse to believe that Dark Link would cause me so much distress though'
Mikey: I find it difficult to believe Dark Link can even find his way out of that place!
---
Oh 'k where the hell does she get the idea that Faries are that sensitive to the weather/cold/heat. Navi was fine in a freakin' volcano well Link had to wear a unique tunic to protect him! Who does she think was telling him how much time he had left!? The tooth fairy!?
Same with Ruto - Zora's don't seem that bothered by the cold. Seriously the king was frozen for how long before you came along and he just kinda shook it off! Yet here she is wearing a nice fluff cloak... also theres a gate to Zora domain right next to the Water temple....she would most likey have swam there... which means that cloak would be soaked making her colder... which means *head explodes*
(She also seems to believe Ruto is a complete idiot for some reason... even though no such evidence exists in the game to say she's one...cute...)
(no subject)
Date: 2014-12-08 11:03 pm (UTC)He was born in summer. It's four months later. It's just started to snow, and this is early?
He was now crawling
According to a google search, most kids start crawling in the seven to ten month-
Interrupting Memo From the Future:
Just then our son pointed to the single apple, then to the two apples then he held up three fingers before looking at his father and giggling.
...
Wow, I've seen some pretty epic failure with how Suethors think child development works, but this takes the cake.
I hoped it would all end quickly since our anniversary was only a week away
... I give up. She can't even remember that their wedding was in early summer. Hell, within this chapter, the timeline's messed up.
I even got concerned about the Zora and Goron races since each was not very adaptable to the extreme cold.
No. This makes no sense.
First, the Zora. Even ignoring the fact that they survived their domain being frozen for what might have been seven years, they are an aquatic race living in a temperate zone. They can survive a little cold. The fact of the matter is, the temperature at the bottom of the lake is probably not much colder now than it is in the summer.
As for the Gorons. Well, as Zelda Queen said, they have a fricking volcano to hole up in. But even ignoring that, they're made of rock! Do you know what happens to rock when it gets cold? Nothing! At best, I could see this causing the Gorons to hibernate until Spring or something like that.
We especially worried about Princess Ruto.
Unless Ganon's interfering, Ruto can take care of herself. She survived seven years of winter without Link and Jenna interfering, in a much more hostile environment than she's in now.
I saw a shadowy figure looming over me that looked remarkably like Link.
Now I'm getting The Hero and the Wolf flashbacks. How do these people not get that Dark Link wasn't real? The entire room is a fricking illusion!
Was this other, evil, was he good, or was he Link's twin that he does not know about?
It's a doppleganger with pitch black skin and glowing red eyes, and you wonder if it's good? Ruto just said she could feel how evil it is! And unless Hyrule has some weird kind of reverse albinism, I think it's safe to say he's not Link's fricking twin!
On that note, why do they care? It's been two years, and this guy's apparently quite content to sit on his ass in the illusion room. Doesn't seem like it's something that needs immediate attention.
Golden child: Part Two
Date: 2016-02-14 10:08 pm (UTC)I can't. I can't even.
This story has actually turned me into The White Girl Who Can't Even.