My Inner Life: Chapter 2 - The Wedding
Apr. 14th, 2010 08:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zelda_queenZeldaQueen: Well, the Sue has successfully screwed Link and got him to propose to her. Things can only get worse. Everyone ready?
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter 2: The Wedding
The Wedding
ZeldaQueen: Totally sucks
It was the day of our wedding and I had been nervous all day long.
ZeldaQueen: I think I should start a “Paging The Department Of Redundancy Department” count. What do you viewers think?
The time to walk down the isle drew near,
ZeldaQueen: Ha, I didn’t know Hyrule was on an island!
and I felt a rush of nervousness run through me.
ZeldaQueen: Then it skipped and jumped and hopped
But I was not going to let that stop my wedding day.
ZeldaQueen: Of course not. You seem quite determined to screw canon within an inch of its integrity, so you can’t stop now. But honestly, stop acting like you’re doing some brave and great feat by overcoming your cold feet. Plenty of brides get nervous
I was in the bridal chamber with Impa and Princess Zelda.
ZeldaQueen: YES, BECAUSE THE PRINCESS AND HER GUARDIAN HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN DRESS THE SUE!
As Impa and Princess Zelda worked on my hair, I stared down at my dress, fingering
ZeldaQueen: AUGH!
with the lacy design at my waist.
ZeldaQueen: In other words, you’re doing nothing. Like usual. Oh, and incoming Costume Porn alert. Might want to get your helmets strapped on there…
The dress was the most beautiful and the most expensive I had ever seen.
ZeldaQueen: Of course. Because you only ever get the best in this freaking fic
The King had spared no expense when he had it made.
ZeldaQueen: *beats head on wall* I hate this! This is not believable in the slightest! Now the KING OF HYRULE is financing the wedding of a merchant girl?
The top of the dress was a low "V" cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up. And a feathery lace design lined the edges. Inter woven in the lace was an intricate design of pearls and at the very center was a gold Triforce design. The lace design "V at the waist and a different lace pattern started where the other left off. The other pattern was all of the Triforce design. Smaller gold Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. The sleeves were a see through lace that ran from mid arm all the way down to my wrist and attached at my middle finger. My veil had a full pearl design at the front and small solid white Triforce designs lines the edges.
ZeldaQueen: *gnashes teeth* Look Jenna, how many people in Ocarina of Time do you see wearing a ton of Triforce patterns besides Zelda? ALMOST NONE! And there’s a reason for that - it’s a holy relic! It’s very hush-hush, guarded by the Royal Family, hence why Zelda wears the design! You are not a member of the Royal Family, no matter what you say, and do not deserve to be dressed in their sacred relic
After I was fully dressed all that was left to do was finish my hair.
ZeldaQueen: *readies razor* Alright Jenna, hold still! I’m going all Brittany on your pretty butt!
Impa stopped working on my hair and let Zelda finish it.
ZeldaQueen: Hold on a second, she just said that they finished dressing her and started on her hair. But now you’re telling us that Impa had already begun fixing your hair and Zelda is finishing it. Which is it?
She walked over to a table and picked something up. When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center. I looked up at Impa while I fingered it.
ZeldaQueen: Good freaking God, are you incapable of your Sue going for two seconds without being presented with gold and gem-encrusted items by royalty? And stop using the word “fingered”, especially after that terrible sex scene!
It was very beautiful. I started to say something but Impa interrupted me. "It will look beautiful on you." She took it and the Sheika smiled as she fastened it around my neck. Then I smiled back at her. "Thank you Impa. Its very beautiful."
ZeldaQueen: I seriously hate her. What has she done to merit being given this stuff? She’s just told “Oh, you get this because it looks pretty on you!” And given what she’s going to be given next, it seriously grates on my nerves
Just then Princess Zelda said she was done with my hair.
ZeldaQueen: This too. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. Does that mean anything to you at all? She’s not your handmaid and she’s not a peasant. Even if you were best friends, why would she do this herself? She probably doesn’t even do her own hair! If anything, she’d send her own servants to fix you up!
I walked over to a mirror to take a look. The sides of my hair were done into a halo braid.
ZeldaQueen: You’re not an angel either. Shut up about those halo braids
The back of my hair was done up into four smaller braids that looped up and attached to the back of f the halo braid. A silvery lace ran from the front of my hair to the back of my head and then around the four smaller braids.
ZeldaQueen: That sounds painful and kind of creepy
As I touched my hair with my hand I turned to look at Princess Zelda and smiled at her. "Thank you soo much, I just love it." I cooed as she smiled back.
ZeldaQueen: Okay, just shut up! Now you sound like an air-headed valley girl! Why don’t you put the “soo” in italics while you’re at it? And “cooed”? Really?
As princess Zelda looked me over she said something was missing. After thinking for a bit, she turned and walked over to her vanity and opened up a small jewelry box. She picked up something out of it closed the jewelry box lid and walked back over to me.
ZeldaQueen: Great! Because the Sue wasn’t being drowned in enough expensive jewelry and dresses before!
Taking my left hand she held up my hand and fastened a beautiful gold bracelet around my wrist. Looking at it I could tell it was real expensive. The bracelet was of pure solid gold. At the center was a Triforce charm. Diamonds lined the edges of the bracelet and Rubies lined the inner part. At the center of the Triforce charm was an Emerald.
ZeldaQueen: STOP WITH THE TRIFORCE! THERE ARE MORE PATTERNS IN THE GAME THAN THAT! OR ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT YOU’RE JUST SO GOOD THAT EVERYTHING YOU GET HAS THE CREST OF THE ROYAL FAMILY STAMPED ON IT?
I looked back up at Princess Zelda and she smiled a kind of a sad smile.
ZeldaQueen: Right. PDORD Count - 1
"It was my mother's. But I want you to have it." She said with a hint of sadness in her voice. A blank looked crossed my face as I looked back down at the bracelet. "I....I cannot accept this." I said as I held my wrist back out at her. Princess Zelda blinked in surprise. "Nonsense....mother would have done the same thing if she were here. Besides I want you to have it. It looks beautiful on you. Take it........and that's an order." Impa nodded in agreement and I smiled back. "Thank you soo much!" I said as I hugged my friend.
ZeldaQueen: *stares* That is…I can’t believe how disgusting that was! I mean what was that? What was that? For those of you viewers who don’t know, we never see Zelda’s mother during the game. Well, we don’t see the father either but he’s mentioned several times. And right here, we have the implication that the Queen is dead. And Zelda is giving Jenna her heirloom bracelet which is clearly very valuable in many different ways! And not only that, but Zelda also implies that her mother would have forked it over to the Sue as well and of course we get the “You look beautiful in it, so you should have it!” shtick. Excuse me Link’s Queen, but it doesn’t work like that. I’m sure I’d look beautiful in the Crown Jewels of England, but the Windsors aren’t going to give them to me because of that, now are they?
And spoilers folks - Jenna does nothing in return for Zelda. NOTHING! She doesn’t save Zelda from any dangers like Link does, she doesn’t give Zelda any gifts in return, she doesn’t do any favors for her. All she does is accept lavish and improper gifts and take virtually every significant and valuable thing that Zelda owns. Honestly, I call bull on the author’s dream thing. I’m betting that Link’s Queen was a wee bit jealous of the Zelda/Link vibes and was determined to destroy the princess by transferring all of her good qualities and advantages to the Self-Insert Sue
Satisfied with how I looked we got my bouquet and headed towards the courtyard.
ZeldaQueen: Please tell me that there are PPC agents hidden in the crowd of guests…
The wedding was about to begin. There was a loud bustle as people tried to find their seats.
ZeldaQueen: I’ve got mine! Have you got yours?
Everyone in Hyrule had attended. Even all of the sages had to attend. The King would settle for no less.
ZeldaQueen: *weeps* I think I’m going to give up soon. Now the author’s flat-out admitting that she’s getting the best treatment. This doesn’t even make sense! The Sages (and Link for that matter) operated outside of the Royal Family. They saved the land and remained in the Chamber of the Sages. I don’t think the King even knew who most of them were! So how would he even have the authority to force the Sages to attend? And yes, that’s forced. Isn’t that illegal anyway? Forcing all of Hyrule to watch the marriage of some chick they don’t care about.
And the author will later try to hand wave this all by saying that she only is getting this treatment because she’s married to the Hero of Hyrule. Bull, I say. Michelle Obama doesn’t even get this sort of treatment. Like I said, Link operated outside of the kingdom. He saved the land and vanished into the sunset. He never even met the king. Thus, he shouldn’t even be getting this treatment either
All of Hyrule was going to witness Link and I being wed.
ZeldaQueen: PDORD Count - 2
As the crowd begun to settle down the King came to my side. Since he was like a father to me, he was going to be the one who was giving me away to Link.
ZeldaQueen: YOU ARE NOT THE KING’S DAUGHTER!!!
Oh, and is there no one in this chick’s old land who matters enough to bring over? We never hear about her life beyond meeting her True Love.
…Well hello Bella, what’re you doing in this fandom?
I started to get nervous again as the wedding music begun to play.
ZeldaQueen: Shut up about the nerves. PDORD Count - 3
First the flower girl went out. As she spread the flower petals along the red carpet she looked like a little angel.
ZeldaQueen: If this keeps up, I’m going to get diabetes
I hoped that the day Link and I had children we would have a girl as pretty as her.
ZeldaQueen: Because that’s all that matters, having children that are pretty. Again, total Bella Swan vibes. I’ll just repeat a question I asked in Breaking Dawn - what would you do if you got a kid that wasn’t cute or pretty? Drop them down a well?
Then I watched as all my brides maids were walked out one by one with the ushers.
ZeldaQueen: This week, on "All My Bridesmaids"…
Next I saw Link being walked out with Princess Zelda. He looked soo handsome dressed in Prince clothes as he walked down the isle.
ZeldaQueen: First of all, why would Link get married in “prince clothes”? He’s NOT ROYALTY! If anything, he’d get married in his traditional green outfit. Second of all, it’s “aisle”, not “isle”! How do you keep making these mistakes? Third of all, I’m starting to think that “soo” is just another one of your spelling errors, since having your Sue hold the o just makes her sound like an airhead.
Fourth of all, I’m desperately comforting myself with the hope that at the last minute, Link will stab Jenna and marry Zelda instead
When he reached the alter and took his place it was my turn to walk.
ZeldaQueen: - the plank. Hurry now, the sharks are waiting *pokes back*
Taking the King's arm we begun to walk down the isle.
ZeldaQueen: AISLE!!!
As we walked my eyes darted around the room. The nervousness rushed over me.
ZeldaQueen: PDORD Count = 4, stop going on about being nervous it’s not that special
Then my eyes landed on Link.
ZeldaQueen: Okay, ew
I could see his beautiful smile, but since I was nervous I was glad Link could not see my face from underneath my veil.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, go on about how gorgeous Link is. Didn’t Bella Swan also go on about how gorgeous Edward looked in the midst of her wedding terror?
Oh and PDORD = 5
When we reached the alter, I took my place at Link's left. Zelda my Maid of Honor was to my left, and Daurina Link's Best Man was to his right.
ZeldaQueen: Alright, well Darunia (that’s how it’s spelled, Christ Suethor didn’t you play this game at all?) at least makes a tad bit of sense - he’s Link’s Big Brother and all. But so lovely of you to mash Zelda’s nose into this all some more. Yes Suethor, it’s rather obvious in Ocarina of Time (and the fandom in general) that Zelda and Link have a thing for each other. I can just see you wagging her butt at her going “Nyah, nyah, you don’t get him!”
Before I fixed my eyes forward I looked at Link from the corner of my eye.
ZeldaQueen: That sentence makes no sense
PDORD = 6
Man how I loved him.
ZeldaQueen: Your American is showing
Then the preacher begun to speak.
ZeldaQueen: I’ll rail on the ceremony in a minute. Suffice to say, it makes zero sense that there’d be a preacher in Hyrule
"We have gathered here today to witness this man and woman
ZeldaQueen: In the loosest sense of the words
being joined in Holy Matrimony.
ZeldaQueen: Oh is that what they’re calling it now?
This is a special time, a Holy time when a man and a woman come together and are joined under the witness of god.
ZeldaQueen: First of all, stop capitalizing “holy”. I’m pretty sure that’s unnecessary.
Second of all, I’ll let this out here - why is this a Christian ceremony? The people of Hyrule worship the three goddesses! There shouldn’t be any mention of god or holy matrimony! Geez Suethor, think if that’s at all possible for you!
May your marriage bring long life and happiness.
ZeldaQueen: Well it’ll have long sex and canon rape at least
Do you Link take this woman to be your wife, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
ZeldaQueen: (Preacher) “Do you, Link, take this Sue to be your leech, to submit to and be used as a love machine by, until canon rape do you part?”
"Yes I do." Link responded.
ZeldaQueen: No Link! Run! There’s still time!
“And do you Jenna take this man to be your husband, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
ZeldaQueen: Or at least until her food supply runs out, the leech
"Yes…Yes I do." I said softly.
ZeldaQueen: Softly because I’m strangling her!
"The rings please." The preacher gestured for the ring bearer to bring over the rings.
ZeldaQueen: (Frodo) “Hmm, this doesn’t look like Mordor. Sam! I think we got lost again!”
We were handed each other's ring and told to give each other our personal vows.
ZeldaQueen: Give it to ‘em! Give it to ‘em!
Taking my left hand Link slid the ring on my finger.
ZeldaQueen: *snarls* Link is left-handed, you bitch! Stop stealing other people’s attributes!
"With this ring I thee wed." Link said with passion. Then I took his left hand and slid the ring on his finger.
ZeldaQueen: Then he and Zelda ducked as the tiny bomb hidden on the ring went off. The Sue was dead and there was much rejoicing
"With this ring I thee wed." I said as I looked deeply into his eyes.
ZeldaQueen: Shut up about the eyes!
We then looked back at the preacher and he finished the ceremony. "If there is anyone who thinks this man and woman should not be joined let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
ZeldaQueen: ME! ME! I OBJECT, ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE FANDOM!!!
After a moment of silence, the preacher spoke again. "By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife." Yu may now kiss the bride."
ZeldaQueen: Well, the Sue is a parasite…
ZeldaQueen: Pucker up, Link!
Gently Link lifted up my veil and for a moment we stared deeply into each other's eyes.
ZeldaQueen: WILL YOU STOP GOING ON ABOUT THE EYES?
Then I closed my eyes, as he gently took me into his arms and gently pressed his lips on mine.
ZeldaQueen: And bit down hard
Then every one started clapping as we made our marriage final.
ZeldaQueen: Is that your final answer?
I felt a rush of happiness run through me. It felt warm, like the sun.
ZeldaQueen: Or urine
As we kissed everything was silent, only the sound of our hearts beating together was heard. This was the happiest day of my life.
ZeldaQueen: I’m surprised there wasn’t thunderous applause for the Sue
Next I gestured for all of my Bride's Maids and my Maid of Honor to gather around behind me.
ZeldaQueen: (Sue) “Minions, TO ME!”
Then I turned my back and threw the bouquet over my shoulder. Everyone reached to grab it, but it was Princess Zelda that caught it. I looked at her and a smile crossed her rosy face as I winked. She would be the next to wed.
ZeldaQueen: Because that’s all Zelda ever gets in this fic - the Sue’s leftovers!
Then I looked at Link, smiled at him and took his arm. He led me out towards the reception hall as everyone threw rose petals over us.
ZeldaQueen: *groans* Rose petals. Why am I even surprised? Next people will probably be bowing in front of them
The reception hall was set quite beautifully. There were flower displays, white dove symbols interlocked with the Triforce lined the walls, there were white candles lining the room and a huge wedding cake sat in the center.
ZeldaQueen: Again, why is this a Christian ceremony? And where the heck are you?
As everyone filled in to the room, Link and I went over to the cake and stood side by side behind it. The music begun to play as Link and I took the knife and cut the cake. We each took a piece and fed it to each other. He missed my mouth and got some on my face.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, the Hero of Time, who’s had to shoot miniscule targets while riding on a horse, is unable to put a forkful of cake into someone’s mouth. Lovely
Next thing I knew we had cake all over our faces. And I giggled as I smeared some on his nose. People laughed at the funny sight and I smiled at Link as we started whipping the cake off our faces.
ZeldaQueen: This is boring and overly cutesy and I hate it. Suethor, why did you think anyone would like this? This would be good if this were a Harvest Moon fan fiction. But this is for The Legend of Zelda. This isn’t canon, for the love of three oranges!
There were two goblets sitting by the cake, and a bottle of Champagne next to them. Link popped the cork and poured the Champagne into the goblets. He put the bottle down and we picked up the goblets, interlocked arms and drank from each other's cups. Everyone clapped and then made a toast to our marriage.
ZeldaQueen: Blah, blah, blah, more cutesy stuff that never happens in the LOZ universe goes on
"May your life together bring happiness and new experiences!" Zelda said as she raised her goblet high
ZeldaQueen: (Zelda) “As you continue to rob me of my defining characteristics and attributes!”
"Here, here!!" Some one else yelled.
ZeldaQueen: Where, where?
Then the music changed in to a dance, and everyone crowded onto the ballroom floor. Link led me by the hand and the crowd formed a circle around us as we begun to dance together.
ZeldaQueen: All must admire the Sue!
As I danced with Link I felt like I was dancing on air. Felt light as a feather. I got into the music, my thoughts drifted and I begun to flow in unison with Link's body.
ZeldaQueen: Stop talking like that, especially after that terrible sex scene
He took the lead and I let myself go with the flow. As I looked into his beautiful dark blue eyes, there was passion flickering in them. His eyes made me melt in his arms, and as we danced together I felt at peace.
ZeldaQueen: Good God, she even gets horny when they’re just dancing!
When we were done dancing, it was time for our wedding song to be played.
Link had found someone to sing our wedding song. A beautiful young redheaded girl named Malon from Lon Lon ranch was to sing for us. She got up on the platform and started to sing "Your love floats on the wings of a dove" Malon's voice was very beautiful and as she sung the song it moved me.
ZeldaQueen: *sees red* I’m going to kill Link’s Queen. No really, if I ever find her, she’s dead. How dare she do this to Malon? Bad enough she’s robbing Zelda blind while rubbing her face in it, bad enough she’s reduced Saria to matchmaker (and just wait until we see what happens to Ruto), now she’s making Malon sing at Jenna and Link’s wedding. I might add that I’m fairly certain that this song doesn’t exist in Hyrule either.
And to make things even worse, Malon was also in a quick fic that this Suethor wrote. Like Zelda and Ruto’s her story is basically going on about how much she loves Link and how she’s just going to give up on him so he can be happy with Jenna. But what makes it worse is that it’s made clear that in Link’s Queen’s sick universe, Malon and Link had a romantic history together. Or, as the Suethor put it, “This one is focusing on Malon’s feelings for Link. How the relationship they had just didn’t seem to work out. She’s going to explain how they met and fell in love, but then it seemed that his love for her slowly started to slip away over time. Now its been 10 years since they were together, (This is after Link defeated Gannon but he did not go back in time) but it seems that Malon now 28 years old, still feels something for him, she found it hard to let him go then, but does she have to let him go again, even though he has found and married another?”
In other words, Link asked his ex-girlfriend who clearly still loves him to sing at his freaking wedding
I moved closed to Link and laid my head on his shoulder. He took his arm and put it around me as Malon continued to sing.
ZeldaQueen: Then he tightened his grip and began to cut off her oxygen supply…
The song was so moving that tears of happiness begun to steam down my face. I looked deeply into Links deep blue eyes and whispered to him that he was my everything. My world. I saw love in his eyes, in his facial expressions, he brought my face closer to his and told me that I was his one true love, his first intimately, and his world. His passion made me feel good inside, warmed my soul. I felt like the sky was limit. And when I was with him it felt like flying.
ZeldaQueen: This is so creepy, I don’t know where to begin
At the end it was time for Link and I to leave for our Honeymoon.
ZeldaQueen: Honeymoon? God help us all!
As we walked out of the castle and to the awaiting rusty brown mare, the King and Zelda had one last gift to give. Zelda walked up to me and took my hand placed an Ocarina in it and closed my fingers around it. "I want you to have this as my gift to you both." I looked at it and Link's face grew a surprised look. "Are you sure?" Link looked at her squarely. "I know that these are the keys to the door of time, but I think that it would be safer with the both of you." Zelda replied with a reassured look in her eyes. I looked at Link and he knew I was confused. "This is what Gannondorf used in tricking me to open the door to the Sacred Realm." Link said as remembered that day, he never forgot it. I remembered what I was told, the stories of Gannondorf. But Link and I holding the keys might be safer. "Thank you, we will take good care of it." I said as I hugged her and she smiled.
ZeldaQueen: No. No. Zelda and the King did not just give the Sue the Ocarina of Time. They did not. I will not accept that.
For those of you viewers who are unfamiliar with the game Ocarina of Time, much of the gameplay centers around the titular Ocarina of Time. The Ocarina is, of course, a treasure of the Royal Family of Hyrule, kept only by the Royal Family. In the game, Zelda keeps it in her possession for most of the start with her plan being that she’d be the one to use it so that Link could save the Triforce. As said by Zelda up above, the Ocarina is what is able to open a secret door in a temple, which leads to the Master Sword and Triforce (technically three magic stones are also needed, but I’m thanking God those were forgotten - the Sue would probably be given those as well). When Zelda is forced to flee the castle, she leaves Link the Ocarina so that he can proceed with the plan without her. He keeps it for the rest of the game, because he doesn’t see Zelda again until the very end. When he does see her, she takes the instrument back.
The upshot is that the Ocarina of Time isn’t just a sacred treasure of the Royal Family, it is also an extremely powerful item which is shown in various games to have a variety of powers.
So now, let’s have a look at that bit there. First of all, once again the Suethor has completely screwed up what happened in the game. Ganondorf never tricked Zelda (who wasn’t even there) or Link into opening the doors. As I mentioned before, Ganondorf just followed Link, saw his chance, and stole the Triforce.
Second of all, the Sue has yet again stolen from Zelda. This isn’t just a pretty bracelet or necklace though, this is a powerful and significant item which is a key to get to the Triforce. And it’s being given to the Sue for safekeeping. And no, I refuse to believe that Link and Jenna are both getting it - the Suethor takes care to mention that Jenna is the one it’s handed to, not Link. Jenna, the merchant girl with little combat training, no firsthand knowledge of Ganondorf or the Triforce, and no magical weapons or skills to actually protect the damned thing. Zelda, I feel I ought to remind everyone, carries the Triforce of Wisdom. It is established that she knows a variety of magic spells, including one that can hold Ganondorf frozen in place long enough for Link to lodge the Master Sword into his forehead. She can transform herself into a muscular alter-ego who is basically the canon’s equivalent of a ninja. She is also the princess of Hyrule and thus has the entire army and kingdom’s defenses at her fingertips. Please tell me how the Sue is better at guarding the thing than Zelda is? Also - why does it even need protection? Ganondorf is gone. There’s no signs of anything or anyone trying to steal it.
And once again, we get that awful leeching. There is no irritation from Zelda that she’s forking everything over to her “best friend”, who does nothing in return. Nope, Zelda just smiles and says “Oh, you’re so much better for this than me!” There is no reason for this. I don’t even believe that Jenna mentions this moment ever again, which means that she’s pretty much sitting on a powerful, valuable treasure of the Royal Family and doesn’t even think to use it when they’re in terrible danger or anything.
Folks, I’d officially like to label Jenna here as an Entitlement Sue. An Entitlement Sue is a Sue who focuses on material possessions or positions of power. If any characters in canon have anything the least bit significant or interesting, no matter for what reason, the Sue will find some way to acquire it or get something just as good if not better. Rose Potter was one with her Better-Than-Moody chest and contacts, Tree-Of-Life Wand, and Pensieve (among other things). And now we see Jenna here, insisting on once more getting better treatment than the freaking PRINCESS. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenna was told to take care of the Master Sword. No wait, Link owns that and Jenna wouldn’t dream of taking anything that her Snoogy-Boo owns. She can only steal from her romantic rivals while thumbing her nose for good measure.
Oh, and lastly while it is canon that Zelda gives Link the Ocarina after the adventure is over, that still doesn’t work for two reasons - 1.) Because Link had just had an adventure with Zelda, saved the land, shown he was strong and responsible, and generally showed he was worthy of keeping such an object and 2.) According to the Suethor, those games never happened
Then the King hugged me, gave Link a pat on the back and a wink. I knew what he meant by that.
ZeldaQueen: Sexual innuendo from the king. Lovely
Then we went to the horse that was waiting for us.
Link carried me to the saddle. The horse was Epona.
ZeldaQueen: Wait, why did she only know this now? She knows freaking everything about Link including his Master Sword (bow-chicka-bow-wow!) but her own horse gets named before he does?
Why am I not surprised?
There was a "Just Married" sign tied to the saddle over Epona's behind. Colored strings of yarn hung from the back of the saddle and from the bottom of the sign.
ZeldaQueen: Must be heck for the poor horse to run with all of that trailing behind. And are they going through Hyrule Field? Because I do hope that a Stalchild grabs one of those strings of yarn to catch and eat them
Link lifted me up into the saddle then mounted
ZeldaQueen: GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!
in front of me. I threw my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready.
ZeldaQueen: Yes Sue, that’s all you do now - cling to Link helplessly
Then he gently booted Epona in the ribs and we took of at a gallop. I could hear the King and Zelda saying goodbye as we rode but soon their voices drifted into the distance.
ZeldaQueen: As soon as they were out of hearing range, Zelda fired a Light Arrow, pierced the Sue’s black heart, and saved canon. Hooray!
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Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter 2: The Wedding
The Wedding
ZeldaQueen: Totally sucks
It was the day of our wedding and I had been nervous all day long.
ZeldaQueen: I think I should start a “Paging The Department Of Redundancy Department” count. What do you viewers think?
The time to walk down the isle drew near,
ZeldaQueen: Ha, I didn’t know Hyrule was on an island!
and I felt a rush of nervousness run through me.
ZeldaQueen: Then it skipped and jumped and hopped
But I was not going to let that stop my wedding day.
ZeldaQueen: Of course not. You seem quite determined to screw canon within an inch of its integrity, so you can’t stop now. But honestly, stop acting like you’re doing some brave and great feat by overcoming your cold feet. Plenty of brides get nervous
I was in the bridal chamber with Impa and Princess Zelda.
ZeldaQueen: YES, BECAUSE THE PRINCESS AND HER GUARDIAN HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN DRESS THE SUE!
As Impa and Princess Zelda worked on my hair, I stared down at my dress, fingering
ZeldaQueen: AUGH!
with the lacy design at my waist.
ZeldaQueen: In other words, you’re doing nothing. Like usual. Oh, and incoming Costume Porn alert. Might want to get your helmets strapped on there…
The dress was the most beautiful and the most expensive I had ever seen.
ZeldaQueen: Of course. Because you only ever get the best in this freaking fic
The King had spared no expense when he had it made.
ZeldaQueen: *beats head on wall* I hate this! This is not believable in the slightest! Now the KING OF HYRULE is financing the wedding of a merchant girl?
The top of the dress was a low "V" cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up. And a feathery lace design lined the edges. Inter woven in the lace was an intricate design of pearls and at the very center was a gold Triforce design. The lace design "V at the waist and a different lace pattern started where the other left off. The other pattern was all of the Triforce design. Smaller gold Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. The sleeves were a see through lace that ran from mid arm all the way down to my wrist and attached at my middle finger. My veil had a full pearl design at the front and small solid white Triforce designs lines the edges.
ZeldaQueen: *gnashes teeth* Look Jenna, how many people in Ocarina of Time do you see wearing a ton of Triforce patterns besides Zelda? ALMOST NONE! And there’s a reason for that - it’s a holy relic! It’s very hush-hush, guarded by the Royal Family, hence why Zelda wears the design! You are not a member of the Royal Family, no matter what you say, and do not deserve to be dressed in their sacred relic
After I was fully dressed all that was left to do was finish my hair.
ZeldaQueen: *readies razor* Alright Jenna, hold still! I’m going all Brittany on your pretty butt!
Impa stopped working on my hair and let Zelda finish it.
ZeldaQueen: Hold on a second, she just said that they finished dressing her and started on her hair. But now you’re telling us that Impa had already begun fixing your hair and Zelda is finishing it. Which is it?
She walked over to a table and picked something up. When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center. I looked up at Impa while I fingered it.
ZeldaQueen: Good freaking God, are you incapable of your Sue going for two seconds without being presented with gold and gem-encrusted items by royalty? And stop using the word “fingered”, especially after that terrible sex scene!
It was very beautiful. I started to say something but Impa interrupted me. "It will look beautiful on you." She took it and the Sheika smiled as she fastened it around my neck. Then I smiled back at her. "Thank you Impa. Its very beautiful."
ZeldaQueen: I seriously hate her. What has she done to merit being given this stuff? She’s just told “Oh, you get this because it looks pretty on you!” And given what she’s going to be given next, it seriously grates on my nerves
Just then Princess Zelda said she was done with my hair.
ZeldaQueen: This too. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. Does that mean anything to you at all? She’s not your handmaid and she’s not a peasant. Even if you were best friends, why would she do this herself? She probably doesn’t even do her own hair! If anything, she’d send her own servants to fix you up!
I walked over to a mirror to take a look. The sides of my hair were done into a halo braid.
ZeldaQueen: You’re not an angel either. Shut up about those halo braids
The back of my hair was done up into four smaller braids that looped up and attached to the back of f the halo braid. A silvery lace ran from the front of my hair to the back of my head and then around the four smaller braids.
ZeldaQueen: That sounds painful and kind of creepy
As I touched my hair with my hand I turned to look at Princess Zelda and smiled at her. "Thank you soo much, I just love it." I cooed as she smiled back.
ZeldaQueen: Okay, just shut up! Now you sound like an air-headed valley girl! Why don’t you put the “soo” in italics while you’re at it? And “cooed”? Really?
As princess Zelda looked me over she said something was missing. After thinking for a bit, she turned and walked over to her vanity and opened up a small jewelry box. She picked up something out of it closed the jewelry box lid and walked back over to me.
ZeldaQueen: Great! Because the Sue wasn’t being drowned in enough expensive jewelry and dresses before!
Taking my left hand she held up my hand and fastened a beautiful gold bracelet around my wrist. Looking at it I could tell it was real expensive. The bracelet was of pure solid gold. At the center was a Triforce charm. Diamonds lined the edges of the bracelet and Rubies lined the inner part. At the center of the Triforce charm was an Emerald.
ZeldaQueen: STOP WITH THE TRIFORCE! THERE ARE MORE PATTERNS IN THE GAME THAN THAT! OR ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT YOU’RE JUST SO GOOD THAT EVERYTHING YOU GET HAS THE CREST OF THE ROYAL FAMILY STAMPED ON IT?
I looked back up at Princess Zelda and she smiled a kind of a sad smile.
ZeldaQueen: Right. PDORD Count - 1
"It was my mother's. But I want you to have it." She said with a hint of sadness in her voice. A blank looked crossed my face as I looked back down at the bracelet. "I....I cannot accept this." I said as I held my wrist back out at her. Princess Zelda blinked in surprise. "Nonsense....mother would have done the same thing if she were here. Besides I want you to have it. It looks beautiful on you. Take it........and that's an order." Impa nodded in agreement and I smiled back. "Thank you soo much!" I said as I hugged my friend.
ZeldaQueen: *stares* That is…I can’t believe how disgusting that was! I mean what was that? What was that? For those of you viewers who don’t know, we never see Zelda’s mother during the game. Well, we don’t see the father either but he’s mentioned several times. And right here, we have the implication that the Queen is dead. And Zelda is giving Jenna her heirloom bracelet which is clearly very valuable in many different ways! And not only that, but Zelda also implies that her mother would have forked it over to the Sue as well and of course we get the “You look beautiful in it, so you should have it!” shtick. Excuse me Link’s Queen, but it doesn’t work like that. I’m sure I’d look beautiful in the Crown Jewels of England, but the Windsors aren’t going to give them to me because of that, now are they?
And spoilers folks - Jenna does nothing in return for Zelda. NOTHING! She doesn’t save Zelda from any dangers like Link does, she doesn’t give Zelda any gifts in return, she doesn’t do any favors for her. All she does is accept lavish and improper gifts and take virtually every significant and valuable thing that Zelda owns. Honestly, I call bull on the author’s dream thing. I’m betting that Link’s Queen was a wee bit jealous of the Zelda/Link vibes and was determined to destroy the princess by transferring all of her good qualities and advantages to the Self-Insert Sue
Satisfied with how I looked we got my bouquet and headed towards the courtyard.
ZeldaQueen: Please tell me that there are PPC agents hidden in the crowd of guests…
The wedding was about to begin. There was a loud bustle as people tried to find their seats.
ZeldaQueen: I’ve got mine! Have you got yours?
Everyone in Hyrule had attended. Even all of the sages had to attend. The King would settle for no less.
ZeldaQueen: *weeps* I think I’m going to give up soon. Now the author’s flat-out admitting that she’s getting the best treatment. This doesn’t even make sense! The Sages (and Link for that matter) operated outside of the Royal Family. They saved the land and remained in the Chamber of the Sages. I don’t think the King even knew who most of them were! So how would he even have the authority to force the Sages to attend? And yes, that’s forced. Isn’t that illegal anyway? Forcing all of Hyrule to watch the marriage of some chick they don’t care about.
And the author will later try to hand wave this all by saying that she only is getting this treatment because she’s married to the Hero of Hyrule. Bull, I say. Michelle Obama doesn’t even get this sort of treatment. Like I said, Link operated outside of the kingdom. He saved the land and vanished into the sunset. He never even met the king. Thus, he shouldn’t even be getting this treatment either
All of Hyrule was going to witness Link and I being wed.
ZeldaQueen: PDORD Count - 2
As the crowd begun to settle down the King came to my side. Since he was like a father to me, he was going to be the one who was giving me away to Link.
ZeldaQueen: YOU ARE NOT THE KING’S DAUGHTER!!!
Oh, and is there no one in this chick’s old land who matters enough to bring over? We never hear about her life beyond meeting her True Love.
…Well hello Bella, what’re you doing in this fandom?
I started to get nervous again as the wedding music begun to play.
ZeldaQueen: Shut up about the nerves. PDORD Count - 3
First the flower girl went out. As she spread the flower petals along the red carpet she looked like a little angel.
ZeldaQueen: If this keeps up, I’m going to get diabetes
I hoped that the day Link and I had children we would have a girl as pretty as her.
ZeldaQueen: Because that’s all that matters, having children that are pretty. Again, total Bella Swan vibes. I’ll just repeat a question I asked in Breaking Dawn - what would you do if you got a kid that wasn’t cute or pretty? Drop them down a well?
Then I watched as all my brides maids were walked out one by one with the ushers.
ZeldaQueen: This week, on "All My Bridesmaids"…
Next I saw Link being walked out with Princess Zelda. He looked soo handsome dressed in Prince clothes as he walked down the isle.
ZeldaQueen: First of all, why would Link get married in “prince clothes”? He’s NOT ROYALTY! If anything, he’d get married in his traditional green outfit. Second of all, it’s “aisle”, not “isle”! How do you keep making these mistakes? Third of all, I’m starting to think that “soo” is just another one of your spelling errors, since having your Sue hold the o just makes her sound like an airhead.
Fourth of all, I’m desperately comforting myself with the hope that at the last minute, Link will stab Jenna and marry Zelda instead
When he reached the alter and took his place it was my turn to walk.
ZeldaQueen: - the plank. Hurry now, the sharks are waiting *pokes back*
Taking the King's arm we begun to walk down the isle.
ZeldaQueen: AISLE!!!
As we walked my eyes darted around the room. The nervousness rushed over me.
ZeldaQueen: PDORD Count = 4, stop going on about being nervous it’s not that special
Then my eyes landed on Link.
ZeldaQueen: Okay, ew
I could see his beautiful smile, but since I was nervous I was glad Link could not see my face from underneath my veil.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, go on about how gorgeous Link is. Didn’t Bella Swan also go on about how gorgeous Edward looked in the midst of her wedding terror?
Oh and PDORD = 5
When we reached the alter, I took my place at Link's left. Zelda my Maid of Honor was to my left, and Daurina Link's Best Man was to his right.
ZeldaQueen: Alright, well Darunia (that’s how it’s spelled, Christ Suethor didn’t you play this game at all?) at least makes a tad bit of sense - he’s Link’s Big Brother and all. But so lovely of you to mash Zelda’s nose into this all some more. Yes Suethor, it’s rather obvious in Ocarina of Time (and the fandom in general) that Zelda and Link have a thing for each other. I can just see you wagging her butt at her going “Nyah, nyah, you don’t get him!”
Before I fixed my eyes forward I looked at Link from the corner of my eye.
ZeldaQueen: That sentence makes no sense
PDORD = 6
Man how I loved him.
ZeldaQueen: Your American is showing
Then the preacher begun to speak.
ZeldaQueen: I’ll rail on the ceremony in a minute. Suffice to say, it makes zero sense that there’d be a preacher in Hyrule
"We have gathered here today to witness this man and woman
ZeldaQueen: In the loosest sense of the words
being joined in Holy Matrimony.
ZeldaQueen: Oh is that what they’re calling it now?
This is a special time, a Holy time when a man and a woman come together and are joined under the witness of god.
ZeldaQueen: First of all, stop capitalizing “holy”. I’m pretty sure that’s unnecessary.
Second of all, I’ll let this out here - why is this a Christian ceremony? The people of Hyrule worship the three goddesses! There shouldn’t be any mention of god or holy matrimony! Geez Suethor, think if that’s at all possible for you!
May your marriage bring long life and happiness.
ZeldaQueen: Well it’ll have long sex and canon rape at least
Do you Link take this woman to be your wife, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
ZeldaQueen: (Preacher) “Do you, Link, take this Sue to be your leech, to submit to and be used as a love machine by, until canon rape do you part?”
"Yes I do." Link responded.
ZeldaQueen: No Link! Run! There’s still time!
“And do you Jenna take this man to be your husband, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
ZeldaQueen: Or at least until her food supply runs out, the leech
"Yes…Yes I do." I said softly.
ZeldaQueen: Softly because I’m strangling her!
"The rings please." The preacher gestured for the ring bearer to bring over the rings.
ZeldaQueen: (Frodo) “Hmm, this doesn’t look like Mordor. Sam! I think we got lost again!”
We were handed each other's ring and told to give each other our personal vows.
ZeldaQueen: Give it to ‘em! Give it to ‘em!
Taking my left hand Link slid the ring on my finger.
ZeldaQueen: *snarls* Link is left-handed, you bitch! Stop stealing other people’s attributes!
"With this ring I thee wed." Link said with passion. Then I took his left hand and slid the ring on his finger.
ZeldaQueen: Then he and Zelda ducked as the tiny bomb hidden on the ring went off. The Sue was dead and there was much rejoicing
"With this ring I thee wed." I said as I looked deeply into his eyes.
ZeldaQueen: Shut up about the eyes!
We then looked back at the preacher and he finished the ceremony. "If there is anyone who thinks this man and woman should not be joined let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
ZeldaQueen: ME! ME! I OBJECT, ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE FANDOM!!!
After a moment of silence, the preacher spoke again. "By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife." Yu may now kiss the bride."
ZeldaQueen: Well, the Sue is a parasite…
ZeldaQueen: Pucker up, Link!
Gently Link lifted up my veil and for a moment we stared deeply into each other's eyes.
ZeldaQueen: WILL YOU STOP GOING ON ABOUT THE EYES?
Then I closed my eyes, as he gently took me into his arms and gently pressed his lips on mine.
ZeldaQueen: And bit down hard
Then every one started clapping as we made our marriage final.
ZeldaQueen: Is that your final answer?
I felt a rush of happiness run through me. It felt warm, like the sun.
ZeldaQueen: Or urine
As we kissed everything was silent, only the sound of our hearts beating together was heard. This was the happiest day of my life.
ZeldaQueen: I’m surprised there wasn’t thunderous applause for the Sue
Next I gestured for all of my Bride's Maids and my Maid of Honor to gather around behind me.
ZeldaQueen: (Sue) “Minions, TO ME!”
Then I turned my back and threw the bouquet over my shoulder. Everyone reached to grab it, but it was Princess Zelda that caught it. I looked at her and a smile crossed her rosy face as I winked. She would be the next to wed.
ZeldaQueen: Because that’s all Zelda ever gets in this fic - the Sue’s leftovers!
Then I looked at Link, smiled at him and took his arm. He led me out towards the reception hall as everyone threw rose petals over us.
ZeldaQueen: *groans* Rose petals. Why am I even surprised? Next people will probably be bowing in front of them
The reception hall was set quite beautifully. There were flower displays, white dove symbols interlocked with the Triforce lined the walls, there were white candles lining the room and a huge wedding cake sat in the center.
ZeldaQueen: Again, why is this a Christian ceremony? And where the heck are you?
As everyone filled in to the room, Link and I went over to the cake and stood side by side behind it. The music begun to play as Link and I took the knife and cut the cake. We each took a piece and fed it to each other. He missed my mouth and got some on my face.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, the Hero of Time, who’s had to shoot miniscule targets while riding on a horse, is unable to put a forkful of cake into someone’s mouth. Lovely
Next thing I knew we had cake all over our faces. And I giggled as I smeared some on his nose. People laughed at the funny sight and I smiled at Link as we started whipping the cake off our faces.
ZeldaQueen: This is boring and overly cutesy and I hate it. Suethor, why did you think anyone would like this? This would be good if this were a Harvest Moon fan fiction. But this is for The Legend of Zelda. This isn’t canon, for the love of three oranges!
There were two goblets sitting by the cake, and a bottle of Champagne next to them. Link popped the cork and poured the Champagne into the goblets. He put the bottle down and we picked up the goblets, interlocked arms and drank from each other's cups. Everyone clapped and then made a toast to our marriage.
ZeldaQueen: Blah, blah, blah, more cutesy stuff that never happens in the LOZ universe goes on
"May your life together bring happiness and new experiences!" Zelda said as she raised her goblet high
ZeldaQueen: (Zelda) “As you continue to rob me of my defining characteristics and attributes!”
"Here, here!!" Some one else yelled.
ZeldaQueen: Where, where?
Then the music changed in to a dance, and everyone crowded onto the ballroom floor. Link led me by the hand and the crowd formed a circle around us as we begun to dance together.
ZeldaQueen: All must admire the Sue!
As I danced with Link I felt like I was dancing on air. Felt light as a feather. I got into the music, my thoughts drifted and I begun to flow in unison with Link's body.
ZeldaQueen: Stop talking like that, especially after that terrible sex scene
He took the lead and I let myself go with the flow. As I looked into his beautiful dark blue eyes, there was passion flickering in them. His eyes made me melt in his arms, and as we danced together I felt at peace.
ZeldaQueen: Good God, she even gets horny when they’re just dancing!
When we were done dancing, it was time for our wedding song to be played.
Link had found someone to sing our wedding song. A beautiful young redheaded girl named Malon from Lon Lon ranch was to sing for us. She got up on the platform and started to sing "Your love floats on the wings of a dove" Malon's voice was very beautiful and as she sung the song it moved me.
ZeldaQueen: *sees red* I’m going to kill Link’s Queen. No really, if I ever find her, she’s dead. How dare she do this to Malon? Bad enough she’s robbing Zelda blind while rubbing her face in it, bad enough she’s reduced Saria to matchmaker (and just wait until we see what happens to Ruto), now she’s making Malon sing at Jenna and Link’s wedding. I might add that I’m fairly certain that this song doesn’t exist in Hyrule either.
And to make things even worse, Malon was also in a quick fic that this Suethor wrote. Like Zelda and Ruto’s her story is basically going on about how much she loves Link and how she’s just going to give up on him so he can be happy with Jenna. But what makes it worse is that it’s made clear that in Link’s Queen’s sick universe, Malon and Link had a romantic history together. Or, as the Suethor put it, “This one is focusing on Malon’s feelings for Link. How the relationship they had just didn’t seem to work out. She’s going to explain how they met and fell in love, but then it seemed that his love for her slowly started to slip away over time. Now its been 10 years since they were together, (This is after Link defeated Gannon but he did not go back in time) but it seems that Malon now 28 years old, still feels something for him, she found it hard to let him go then, but does she have to let him go again, even though he has found and married another?”
In other words, Link asked his ex-girlfriend who clearly still loves him to sing at his freaking wedding
I moved closed to Link and laid my head on his shoulder. He took his arm and put it around me as Malon continued to sing.
ZeldaQueen: Then he tightened his grip and began to cut off her oxygen supply…
The song was so moving that tears of happiness begun to steam down my face. I looked deeply into Links deep blue eyes and whispered to him that he was my everything. My world. I saw love in his eyes, in his facial expressions, he brought my face closer to his and told me that I was his one true love, his first intimately, and his world. His passion made me feel good inside, warmed my soul. I felt like the sky was limit. And when I was with him it felt like flying.
ZeldaQueen: This is so creepy, I don’t know where to begin
At the end it was time for Link and I to leave for our Honeymoon.
ZeldaQueen: Honeymoon? God help us all!
As we walked out of the castle and to the awaiting rusty brown mare, the King and Zelda had one last gift to give. Zelda walked up to me and took my hand placed an Ocarina in it and closed my fingers around it. "I want you to have this as my gift to you both." I looked at it and Link's face grew a surprised look. "Are you sure?" Link looked at her squarely. "I know that these are the keys to the door of time, but I think that it would be safer with the both of you." Zelda replied with a reassured look in her eyes. I looked at Link and he knew I was confused. "This is what Gannondorf used in tricking me to open the door to the Sacred Realm." Link said as remembered that day, he never forgot it. I remembered what I was told, the stories of Gannondorf. But Link and I holding the keys might be safer. "Thank you, we will take good care of it." I said as I hugged her and she smiled.
ZeldaQueen: No. No. Zelda and the King did not just give the Sue the Ocarina of Time. They did not. I will not accept that.
For those of you viewers who are unfamiliar with the game Ocarina of Time, much of the gameplay centers around the titular Ocarina of Time. The Ocarina is, of course, a treasure of the Royal Family of Hyrule, kept only by the Royal Family. In the game, Zelda keeps it in her possession for most of the start with her plan being that she’d be the one to use it so that Link could save the Triforce. As said by Zelda up above, the Ocarina is what is able to open a secret door in a temple, which leads to the Master Sword and Triforce (technically three magic stones are also needed, but I’m thanking God those were forgotten - the Sue would probably be given those as well). When Zelda is forced to flee the castle, she leaves Link the Ocarina so that he can proceed with the plan without her. He keeps it for the rest of the game, because he doesn’t see Zelda again until the very end. When he does see her, she takes the instrument back.
The upshot is that the Ocarina of Time isn’t just a sacred treasure of the Royal Family, it is also an extremely powerful item which is shown in various games to have a variety of powers.
So now, let’s have a look at that bit there. First of all, once again the Suethor has completely screwed up what happened in the game. Ganondorf never tricked Zelda (who wasn’t even there) or Link into opening the doors. As I mentioned before, Ganondorf just followed Link, saw his chance, and stole the Triforce.
Second of all, the Sue has yet again stolen from Zelda. This isn’t just a pretty bracelet or necklace though, this is a powerful and significant item which is a key to get to the Triforce. And it’s being given to the Sue for safekeeping. And no, I refuse to believe that Link and Jenna are both getting it - the Suethor takes care to mention that Jenna is the one it’s handed to, not Link. Jenna, the merchant girl with little combat training, no firsthand knowledge of Ganondorf or the Triforce, and no magical weapons or skills to actually protect the damned thing. Zelda, I feel I ought to remind everyone, carries the Triforce of Wisdom. It is established that she knows a variety of magic spells, including one that can hold Ganondorf frozen in place long enough for Link to lodge the Master Sword into his forehead. She can transform herself into a muscular alter-ego who is basically the canon’s equivalent of a ninja. She is also the princess of Hyrule and thus has the entire army and kingdom’s defenses at her fingertips. Please tell me how the Sue is better at guarding the thing than Zelda is? Also - why does it even need protection? Ganondorf is gone. There’s no signs of anything or anyone trying to steal it.
And once again, we get that awful leeching. There is no irritation from Zelda that she’s forking everything over to her “best friend”, who does nothing in return. Nope, Zelda just smiles and says “Oh, you’re so much better for this than me!” There is no reason for this. I don’t even believe that Jenna mentions this moment ever again, which means that she’s pretty much sitting on a powerful, valuable treasure of the Royal Family and doesn’t even think to use it when they’re in terrible danger or anything.
Folks, I’d officially like to label Jenna here as an Entitlement Sue. An Entitlement Sue is a Sue who focuses on material possessions or positions of power. If any characters in canon have anything the least bit significant or interesting, no matter for what reason, the Sue will find some way to acquire it or get something just as good if not better. Rose Potter was one with her Better-Than-Moody chest and contacts, Tree-Of-Life Wand, and Pensieve (among other things). And now we see Jenna here, insisting on once more getting better treatment than the freaking PRINCESS. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenna was told to take care of the Master Sword. No wait, Link owns that and Jenna wouldn’t dream of taking anything that her Snoogy-Boo owns. She can only steal from her romantic rivals while thumbing her nose for good measure.
Oh, and lastly while it is canon that Zelda gives Link the Ocarina after the adventure is over, that still doesn’t work for two reasons - 1.) Because Link had just had an adventure with Zelda, saved the land, shown he was strong and responsible, and generally showed he was worthy of keeping such an object and 2.) According to the Suethor, those games never happened
Then the King hugged me, gave Link a pat on the back and a wink. I knew what he meant by that.
ZeldaQueen: Sexual innuendo from the king. Lovely
Then we went to the horse that was waiting for us.
Link carried me to the saddle. The horse was Epona.
ZeldaQueen: Wait, why did she only know this now? She knows freaking everything about Link including his Master Sword (bow-chicka-bow-wow!) but her own horse gets named before he does?
Why am I not surprised?
There was a "Just Married" sign tied to the saddle over Epona's behind. Colored strings of yarn hung from the back of the saddle and from the bottom of the sign.
ZeldaQueen: Must be heck for the poor horse to run with all of that trailing behind. And are they going through Hyrule Field? Because I do hope that a Stalchild grabs one of those strings of yarn to catch and eat them
Link lifted me up into the saddle then mounted
ZeldaQueen: GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!
in front of me. I threw my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready.
ZeldaQueen: Yes Sue, that’s all you do now - cling to Link helplessly
Then he gently booted Epona in the ribs and we took of at a gallop. I could hear the King and Zelda saying goodbye as we rode but soon their voices drifted into the distance.
ZeldaQueen: As soon as they were out of hearing range, Zelda fired a Light Arrow, pierced the Sue’s black heart, and saved canon. Hooray!
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Onward to: Chapter 3: The Honeymoon (Part 1)
Back to: Chapter 1: The Beginning (Part 2)
Return to: Table of Contents
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-15 06:30 am (UTC)HERE, SUE. HAVE A HOLY HAND GRENADE TO THE FACE!
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-15 10:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-15 11:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-15 12:19 pm (UTC)Actually...that first sentence is waaay more accurate than any fan would like for this fic...
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-16 07:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-16 02:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-15 06:25 pm (UTC)L? That skinny little waif? More like he'd mastermind a Xanatos Gambit to ensure canon reverts back, whilst nibbling cookies and...
Oh, wait. You're talking about Link. Thought you meant the actual L xP
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-15 06:46 pm (UTC)...The OCARINA?! What the...
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-15 08:47 pm (UTC)Well, it'll get better (or rather worse). Your sporking bit's going to be next. ;)
Call me Mikey: This is the True Ending
Date: 2010-10-28 02:16 am (UTC)Jenna gives a nasty look to the king who raises his hand. "Guards! Stop the filthy peasant women." They surrounded to women and her horse. Malon lowered her head to Epona's ear. "Come on girl, let's show these boys what our hard work has given us." Epona dashed toward the guards knocking them out of the way.
Jenna back away. "Kill her!"
The guards rushed towards her. Malon jumped off Epona who turned and rushed to the guard.
"You guys have always been wimps." Malon said with a smile. She then turned to Jenna who's eyes filled with fear.
"Zelda, she's ruining my wedding!" As she screamed Malon began to sing Zelda's Lullaby.
Zelda stood blank eyed. "Why would anyone ru- ru-" The Triforce of Wisdom began to glow bright. "Wh-what's happening?"
The sages eyes widened with shock. Saria and Ruto where indeed the most mortified of them.
Saria looked around and then at Link. "Why am I out of the- Link!"
Ruto shook her head. "You bitch! How dare you try to marry Link by force..." She paused a moment to note the irony, but shook it away. Besides she had given her chance up when she became a sage, also that little fact that Link seemed more interested in Zelda than her. "Not to mention remove me from the Shrine of Water, even for us Zora that place is a pain to get though!"
Nabooru literally spun through the air as she drew her weapon and landed next to Malon, she nodded to her. "Nice job kid, how did you know what to do?"
"I had a dream, a person who looked like a ninja taught me the tune and told me to stop the wedding with it."
Zelda smiled. "That was my subconscious mind informing you using the power of the Triforce. It must have chosen you because you where both close to Link and not yet tainted by the dark magic."
The rest of the sages gathered around Jenna.
Zelda looked at the 'King'.
"Be gone shadow-" She waved her hand and the fake king vanished. "Using my fathers form as part of your brainwashing technique!" Tears streamed down the Princess' otherwise strong face. The other moved out of her way.
She moved close to Jenna and raised her hand. "You are servant of Ganondorf attempting to help him return. Imagine so soon after his defeat! I will admit you have powerful illusion magic, but now that I am back in control you spells will have no effect in this land or any other!" Zelda raised her hand and Link fell to his knees. His body freed from Jenna's control.
"Guards take her away." Zelda then looked at the many Triforce symbols with disgust, but it was her mothers bracelet that caught her eye. She couldn't control herself and slapped Jenna then removed the bracelet. "Have her placed in the stocks!" She said in a manner most befitting royalty.
The sages quickly returned to their Shrines, each giving one last goodbye. Ruto hugged him tightly and said. "Take care of yourself." Before vanishing with a wink.
After all but Saria left his old friend looked at him with a smile. "Well I guess I won't get to see you anymore Link, but remember-" She kissed him on the cheek and then vanished. "You can always talk to me - always..."
Giving Link a moment to compose himself. Zelda had everyone cleared out except of Malon and a few guards.
"All the Land of Hyrule thanks you for you services." Zelda said with a kind smile. "If there is anything-"
Malon raised her hand. "No- if not for your magic your highness I would never-"
"Nonsense! It was due to your strong will holding off Jenna's curse that I could contact you. If I am correct your that young girl from Lon Lon Ranch - you would try to sneak into the garden sometimes."
Malon blushed softly. "Well you see-"
"Next time feel free to use the gate-" Zelda said as she placed her hand on Malon's shoulder. "and you can continue to count on the Royal Family as a costumer of the Lon Lon Ranch. It is the least of that which Hyrule owes you."
With the help of her Triforce of Wisdom Zelda was also able to give Link the support he needed due to being raped.
-
Incase your wondering Malon slipped off to sleep before being magically forced to sing at the wedding… thank the Goddesses for her dad’s genetics kicking in for a brief moment!
Yeah not very good, but better than this :)
Re: Call me Mikey: This is the True Ending
Date: 2010-10-28 02:24 am (UTC)Re: Call me Mikey: This is the True Ending
Date: 2010-10-28 05:00 am (UTC)Re: Call me Mikey: This is the True Ending
Date: 2010-10-28 01:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-23 06:29 pm (UTC)[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/IFR5emS.jpg[/IMG]
Quit the shippage, please
Date: 2013-08-21 11:33 pm (UTC)I accept that there is a fandom for Zelda and Link. Hell, in a few games, you could make a case for it. But both characters had no personality in OoT, and exhibited no romance or interest in each other at all, besides planning to overthrow Ganondorf and possibly befriending each other as a result. Hammering this idea that they were clearly in love or infatuated in the game proper is almost as obnoxious as the Sue claiming that Link should love her. I'd rather Link marry Zelda, but still. Just because things are implied in the graphic novels doesn't mean it happened in the game. If you're going to be an authority figure criticising Jenna (who don't get me wrong, deserves every possible rebuke you could hurl at her), I'd appreciate not confusing fandom with canon.
Sorry if I'm being harsh, but as someone who has played this game many times and has seen no evidence there, it baffles and irritates me a smidge.
Re: Quit the shippage, please
Date: 2015-10-08 04:06 am (UTC)I've played the game "many times" too...and I can definitely see what she means. The game isn't a romance though, obviously. So implication is as far as its going to go. It's all an opinion, just like YOUR opinion happens to be that you saw nothing. And also, ZeldaQueen made TWO references. You make it sound like they were going on and on when they weren't. This commentary is hilarious and you should enjoy it. If you don't appreciate the personal opinion, then spork it yourself. It's silly to write a critical comment about that over something that is completely subjective and has the author's opinion literally all over it. It's a criticism of shoddy writing and a self-insert...not over "who gets with Link". Who even cares?
(no subject)
Date: 2014-11-21 12:54 am (UTC)When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center.
I'm pretty sure there are more triforce symbols on Jenna than there are in the entire frickin' game!
On a tangent, it seems... tacky to put a gem in the middle of the triforce. I mean, this is a holy symbol. You don't futz around with that.
That could be a fun bit of lore if I still wrote fanfiction. Nothing is allowed to be in the middle of a triforce symbol (which a few exceptions like the Master Sword). You don't paint in the middle, and if there's one on the floor, it's considered bad luck to step in the middle (and while we're at it, you step on whichever individual triforce has the quality you want in your life).
Or we can just copy an entire wedding full of traditions from real life. That's good, too.
The bracelet was of pure solid gold.
At which point it collapsed under its own weight, pure gold being much too soft for jewelry.
And Mother Goddess, can you stop giving her stuff for five minutes? It would be one thing to say "This looks beautiful on you, I want you to have it for the wedding", but you're going to give away a priceless heirloom just because you feel like it?
First the flower girl went out.
Who has no name, nor any connection to the characters, because we simply must have a largely optional element from a ceremony that shouldn't even exist on this world!
I mean, come on. You could at least have Fado performing the role or something. Since she's essentially family, that would actually make sense!
She would be the next to wed.
That's nice, given how just last chapter you pretty much said that she never would, and both she and her father would need to live vicariously through you.
Then again, if nobody ever gets married (and I'm certain they never will), then this isn't technically wrong.
Also, would it kill you to make up some of your own traditions? I'm surprise they're not painting "Just Married" on Epona's ass and tying-
Interrupting Memo From the Future: There was a "Just Married" sign tied to the saddle over Epona's behind. Colored strings of yarn hung from the back of the saddle and from the bottom of the sign.
I give up.
There were flower displays, white dove symbols interlocked with the Triforce lined the walls
That's getting kinda close to the Royal Crest there. I'd wonder if this is intentional, but I doubt LQ even noticed that.
Hold on a sec...
Date: 2015-06-02 11:41 pm (UTC)I mean, there's a preacher present and an aisle, so it brings to mind a religious building, even though it's another instance of the author shoehorning iconography/objects from OTL into the story. At first I thought it was the Temple of Time, and I wanted to burn things until the thought went away.
Then I noticed, she mentions a courtyard AND reception hall, so it's evidently a large building with plenty of outdoor space. It's easiest to assume she just invented a nice place to get married, but it's also horrifically likely that she's getting married in the only place that meets these criteria: the goddamn castle.
Re: Hold on a sec...
Date: 2015-07-07 05:22 pm (UTC)Really, really late but...
Date: 2016-01-19 03:06 pm (UTC)ZeldaQueen: *snarls* Link is left-handed, you bitch! Stop stealing other people’s attributes!
It's actually tradition, since most people are right-handed, to wear engagement and wedding rings on your left hand, just like how people tend to wear their watches on their non-dominant hand. So out of all the things she stole from other characters, this isn't one of them. Little good it does her with all the evidence against her at this point, though.