The Realm of Literacy

Well last chapter was really useless but at least it ended with the implication that a battle was starting! And how exciting! Here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! What’s going on in this epic fight?

…Chelsea is trying to break their bonds. And…that’s just it. And she’s not even succeeding, because of Bella and her Sue-per Special mind shield. *eye twitches* Edward seems to realize for the first time that Bella has got everyone covered and is all appropriately amazed. I’m not sure why this is such a revelation for him, she he knew that Bella was practicing shielding everyone. Unless of course Meyer is trying to imply that she (Bella) continually failed at projecting the shield, in which case her sudden and complete mastery over the power is even more Sue-ish than I thought.

And then Jane joins in! Hooray, at least something is happening now! She’s trying to zap Carlisle, but of course he’s also in the shield and thus is protected. Apparently it is Volturi regulation for Jane to zap folks on trial so they can’t escape. I’m sorry, why exactly was it such a revelation to this people that the Volturi were evil? Anyway, this all completely befuddles Jane, who grows increasingly angry. Bella admits that “It probably wasn't very mature”, but opts to give Jane an incredibly smug smile. That’s nice Bella, why don’t you stick your tongue out at her while you’re at it? Ah well, on one hand I’m glad that she’s showing the faintest sign of a backbone. On the other hand, I’m banging my head against the wall because apparently the Cullens have flipped the light switch from “We’re all going to die!” to “Ha, this is easy!”

Anyway, Bella’s mockery doesn’t sit will with Jane, who lets out a shriek which causes all of the Volturi but Aro, Caius, and Marcus to jump. I have to admit, the visual imagery for that scene is pretty funny. Alec grabs Jane just as she’s about ready to leap over and kill Bella and the Romanians are all happy and laugh at the behavior of “the witch”. Alec meanwhile goes to calm his sister down and “tucked her under his arm” WAH?

ZeldaQueen: Meyer, I don’t think that’s the image you were looking for. Well anyway, it’s Alec’s turn. His power apparently manifests as a clear mist which is all shimmery. Benjamin notices it and starts whipping up gusts of wind to blow it away. When that doesn’t work, he opens up a crevice in the ground to try to stop it. If only he had the power of Heart, he could have just shouted “GO PLANET” and…never mind. Of course none of this works, but not to worry because Bella’s Sue-Shield holds up just fine. Somehow Bella is able to taste the mist when it touches her shield, which quite frankly sounds kind of dirty.

 Of course one can hardly open a big honking hole in the ground without anyone noticing and all of this stir has caused Aro, Caius, and Marcus to stop their orgy counseling and stare. Bella realizes that they’ve just had a taste of the Cullen side’s powers and that she will be the one they will all be targeting. WELL OF ALL OF THE ARROGANT - No, no, save the rant for an emergency. *deep breath* But really, the guy who can open a hole in the ground under the Volturi’s feet? The guy who can read minds? The wolves? Bella’s more important than all of them? Blah! Edward of course is struck with the thought that his Lady Love might be injured and insists on guarding her. Bella more or less tells him to bugger off. No, not exactly. She tells him to stop being silly and kill Dimitri, like they’d planned. Zafrina promises to keep Bella covered. Kate calls out that she’ll be killing Jane while the Romanians decide that they’ll be happy with taking down Alec. Tanya lays claim on Caius and everyone else starts picking out Volturi members that they have beef with and want dead. Oh man, can this be it? Can this be the big fight, at long last?

No! They’re just talking some more! Aro calls for them to finally vote on what to do with Renesmee (remember her?) Caius is of course all sadistic and evil and calls for her death. Marcus is bored and says that he sees no problem and that they can always come back later if there is. You know, considering that these people were supposed to be completely ignoring and twisting evidence to suit their needs, they seem to be failing spectacularly at achieving their goals. Anyway, the tiebreaker is left to Aro.

All of a sudden, Edward gets all happy and interrupts. He addresses Aro (does he kill him? Please?) and makes absolutely certain that the problem with Renesmee is her uncertain future - if they were to know how a half-human child grows up, there will be no issue. Why is this all being brought up?

Alice is back. Son of a bitch.

Yes, after being absent for all of these chapters, after we were repeatedly told how she was RUNNING FROM DIMITRI FOR HER OWN PROTECTION, Alice has returned with Jasper, Kachiri the third Amazon (who is also described as being all wild and exotic - by now we all know that going beyond stereotypes is too much to ask of Meyer), and two strangers. The one is an “olive-toned” female vampire. The other is a dark-skinned young man.

“And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman's, though not as long. He was beautiful”

ZeldaQueen: Yes Bella, of course he’s beautiful. And he’s most likely important to the story, since Meyer saw fit to grace him with such a ridiculously prose-filled description-dump. This dude and the female vampire are Nahuel and Hulien respectively and Alice has brought them to be witnesses. Caius is a pissy bastard over this and insists that there’s no time for more witnesses, but Aro is all cheerful and curious like the Dumbledore rip-off he is and lets them talk.

It turns out that Hulien is the aunt of Nahuel and she’s come to tell us a little about him. It seems that about a century ago, she was human and lived with her family. She had a sister who was named Pire, because of her snow-white skin. *blinks* In southern Argentine? No, no, it’s been commented on before (MEYER, WOULD IT KILL YOU TO INCLUDE ETHINIC PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALL SUPERSTITIOUS OR NOBLE SAVAGES???) Sorry! I’m holding it in. Back to the story, Pire was incredibly beautiful as is on par for a Meyer protagonist, but apparently this got her in a bit of trouble. She started to tell Hulien about how a “dark angel” came to her at night and they had a lot of fun. Apparently this Pire girl was like a South American version of Bella - even after the vampire (yes, we all know what it was) hurt her while they were screwing each other, she kept going on and refusing to listen to her sister’s warnings to stop going to the thing. And as a side note, they still refer to the vampire as a “libishomen” (*strangles bottle of water*).

As with Bell, Pire wound up pregnant by the vampire and like Bella was nuts enough to decide to have the kid. At least Hulien helped her escape to live in the forest where she wouldn’t be found instead of trying to force an abortion on her. Although given that they’re in the middle of a South American forest, the conditions for a pregnant woman in such terrible health doesn’t sound very…ideal. How did she survive with only one person looking after her? Ah well, it’s a story and since when has Meyer cared about details like those. Pire goes through the bone breaking and everything and still loves her Death Spawn and that’s why she names him Nahuel - after the jungle cat. As another side note, at least the meanings of these names are accurate for the meanings and area. So Meyer does know how to use Google.

Anyway, long story short, Pire dies during the chest-bursting childbirth and leaves her sister with the request to take care of the kid. Hulien agrees (which is more than Jacob can say, I might add) and we get a charming bit about how the baby bit her as she extracted it from her sister’s bloody remains, leaving Hulien to curl up in pain as she transforms into a vampire herself. That’s right, for whatever reason Nahuel can create vampires but Renesmee can’t. I have to ask though - for Bella at least it took several days for the conversion. Hulien tells everyone that Nahuel was curled up at her side when she was transformed. Who was caring for him for whatever length of time it took for her to change? They’re in a forest which presumably has animals and insects and not much food ready and he’s a newborn baby.

Aro decides to move things along to the question and answer session and WHERE IS THE FIGHTING!?!?!? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?! Sorry! Aro asks Nahuel a bunch of questions and we find out that Nahuel is about one hundred and fifty years old, has the ability to eat both blood and human food, and that he reached physical maturity after seven years, during which point he stopped aging more or less forever. Jacob actually shakes at this and I think we all know what’s running through his furry head.

…THAT’S SICK!!!

Nahuel (who, by the way has virtually no accent despite his aunt having a noticeable one), continues on to explain that his father is a vampire named Joham who considers himself to be a scientist of sorts - basically he goes around impregnating human women to have half-human children with them. Thus far, Joham has three daughters and Nahuel (who refuses to live with him). So this is where this stupid South American vampire/human hybrid legend comes from? *rubs head* And this is all news to the Volturi. So in their entire rein, they never had to go to South America to investigate or kill vampires there and thus never heard of this legend? I don’t…my head is going numb so I’ll just press onward.

Caius continues to be evil and suggests that they kill the half-vampires and go get the rest. Aro decides that Joham deserves a visit, but that the half-vampires are no threat. And then… *sputters* WHAT? EXCUSE ME! NO, NO, NO MEYER, YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS TO ME, NOT AFTER ALL OF THAT IDIOTIC AND TERRIBLE SETTING UP, I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS, I WON’T, I WON’T I WON’T

JESUS CHRIST ON A RUSTED POGO STICK SHE DID!!!

 Yes folks, the Volturi just GO HOME! That’s it! After all of that build-up, after all of the reassurances that they wouldn’t listen to evidence or reason and how they had so much power at stake, after all of that, we don’t get any epic battle or any sort of pay-off at ALL. Instead, we get this

“‘Is it really over?” I whispered to Edward.

His smile was huge. ‘Yes. They've given up. Like all bullies, they're cowards underneath the swagger.’ He chuckled.

Alice laughed with him. ‘Seriously, people. They're not coming back. Everybody can relax now.’

There was another beat of silence.

‘Of all the rotten luck,’ Stefan muttered.

And then it hit.

Cheers erupted. Deafening howls filled the clearing. Maggie pounded Siobhan on the back. Rosalie and Emmett kissed again–longer and more ardently than before. Benjamin and Tia were locked in each other's arms, as were Carmen and Eleazar. Esme held Alice and Jasper in a tight embrace. Carlisle was warmly thanking the South American newcomers who had saved us all. Kachiri stood very close to Zafrina and Senna, their fingertips interlocked. Garrett picked Kate up off the ground and swung her around in a circle.

Stefan spit on the snow. Vladimir ground his teeth together with a sour expression.

And I half-climbed the giant russet wolf to rip my daughter off his back and then crushed her to my chest. Edward's arms were around us in the same second.

“Nessie, Nessie, Nessie,” I crooned.

Jacob laughed his big, barky laugh and poked the back of my head with his nose.

‘Shut up,’ I mumbled.

‘I get to stay with you?’ Nessie demanded.

‘Forever,’ I promised her.

We had forever. And Nessie was going to be fine and healthy and strong. Like the half-human Nahuel, in a hundred and fifty years she would still be young. And we would all be together.

Happiness expanded like an explosion inside me–so extreme, so violent that I wasn't sure I'd survive it.

‘Forever,’ Edward echoed in my ear.

I couldn't speak anymore. I lifted my head and kissed him with a passion that might possibly set the forest on fire

I wouldn't have noticed.”

ZeldaQueen: No pay off for all of that build-up. None. Nothing. Instead we get everyone waxing poetry about how happy they were to have survived despite there never being any signs that they’d actually be attacked JESUS! IT WAS BORING, IT WAS TERRIBLE, I HATED, HATED, HATED, AND WE DIDN’T EVEN GET ANYTHING WORTH SEEING!!! And Meyer was asked about why she dropped trow and wagged her butt at her audiences with this ending. What did she say?

“Why the big build-up for a fight that didn't happen?