Hush, Hush: Chapter 1

[zelda_queen]

ZeldaQueen: Well, this story wastes no time in being infuriating, so let's waste no time in sporking it!

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...

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Chapter 1

We jump to Coldwater, Maine, in present times. We also jump into a first-person narration, provided by one Nora Gray. She will be our Idiot Female Protagonist for this novel.

The chapter starts on an…interesting note, as she enters her biology class and sees, attached to the blackboard, a naked Barbie doll with her arm linked to a naked Ken doll. We’re told that there are artificial leaves on a “few choice places”, which makes no sense seeing as Barbie and Ken are quite anatomically impaired. Also on the board is the sentence “WELCOME TO HUMAN REPRODUCTION (SEX)” and I am thanking each and every one of my lucky stars that this isn’t happening in Hogwarts Exposed.

A girl named Vee Sky comments that this is why the school has banned camera phones, because pictures of that would be sufficient to get biology axed. You know, maybe it was just my school, but I always thought that Sex Ed was taught as a subunit of Health class, with biology dealing with cellular reproduction and stuff like that.

Anyway, Vee is Nora’s Annoying Best Friend, and her one character trait is quickly established - she wants hot boys and she specifically wants them for sex. Fitzpatrick makes absolutely no effort to be subtle about this. Vee goes from her comment about the camera pictures (which, if left alone, I could see being a snarky joke a high schooler would make) to talking about how they could be using this hour to get “one-on-one tutoring from cute upperclass guys”. Nora reminds Vee that she was looking forward to the sex unit all semester and Vee replies “This class isn‘t going to teach me anything I don‘t already know”. Nora, for some reason, comments “Vee? As virgin?” and Vee makes it clear that she is embarrassed that she has not yet lost her virginity. I sense that I’ll be very annoyed with Vee for most of the novel.

The class is being taught by a dude named Coach McConaugh, who starts off the lesson with “It may not have occurred to you kids that sex is more than a fifteen-minute trip to the backseat of a car. It‘s science”. Oy. He then asks the class what science is, and there’s a chorus of answers like “Boring” and “The only class I‘m failing”. Alright, points for actually knowing how teenagers talk in that regard. The teacher asks Nora what it is, and she replies “The study something”. How specific. Upon further prompting, she says that it’s knowledge gained through experimentation and observation, before mentally moaning about how she sounds like the audio book for their text. *rubs head* Why is it that when a character in these sorts of books shows the slightest bit of intelligence, they instantly bash it for making them sound overly smart? Do these Suethors really think that all teenagers think that sounding intelligent is undesirable?

There’s more talk about the definition of science, before the teacher brings up how Nora and Vee always sit together and thus must know about each other. We get a brief, gratuitous info dump about how they look - apparently Vee is a “green-eyed, minky blond, and a few pounds over curvy” while Nora is a “smoky-eyed brunette with volumes of curly hair that holds its own against even the best flatiron” and has really long legs - and Nora gets a Bad Feeling About This. Said feeling is on the mark, as the teacher promptly says that the two have been together for so long that it’s high time they sit with other people. So yeah, new seating chart time!

Vee points out that it’s April and school’s almost over, so why the flip is he pulling this now? The teacher pretty much says “‘Cuz I can”. I’m dead serious. And yeah, if I had to up and lug my many heavy textbooks and whatnot around the classroom just because the teacher got a bug up his butt to get two girls to split up, I’d be annoyed as well. Why not just swap them around with one other pair?

Instead, everyone gets up and plays musical chairs. And what do you know, Nora is sitting next to the mysterious transfer student who never volunteers in class, is dark and moody, and is unnamed. Well gee, I do so wonder where this all is going?

Nora smiles at the guy and introduces herself and he smiles back but says nothing. Nora is freaked out because “a feeling of gloomy darkness seemed to slide like a shadow over me”. She quickly turns away from this guy, figuring that he is trouble. Normally I’d applaud her for a bit of sense, but we all know that it’s only a matter of chapters before she’s swooning into his arms, so really this insistence of how scary and dangerous he is makes it all even squickier.

The teacher says that their assignment for the rest of class is to…erm investigate their partner, apparently divining things about them through observation. Nora doesn’t get anything, besides the fact that he smells like cigars. Apparently this is supposed to show how bad he is, because the smell is “richer and fouler” than cigarettes. Me, all I’m getting is picturing her doing a lab with Groucho Marx. That would probably make for a more interesting story as well. Instead, she notices that the guy is writing a ton of stuff about her, even though she can’t see how he figured anything out. All she can see is that he’s writing how she speaks English. Erm, how does that relate to biology? Ah well, who needs that when we can establish how this guy’s an asshole? First he folds the paper so Nora can’t read, then ignores her when she asks what he’s writing about her. Yes, one could argue that he’s just observing and doesn’t think they’re supposed to talk for the project, but then he goes and crumples up her unused paper and throws it in the garbage can, and I really am getting pissed with this guy.

Nora gets out a new sheet of paper and asks for his name. He says to call him Patch, and then says that he means it when he says to call him and winks. Really? Patch? That’s the best bad-boy motorcyclist gangster name Fitzpatrick could come up with? No wonder this kid doesn’t associate with anyone! Any high schooler worth their salt would find a million jokes to make at a name like that.

Nora, however, stays focused and asks him what he does in his spare time. HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO BIOLOGY? Gah! He says that he doesn’t have free time. Instead of a follow-up question like “Why not?” or “What do you do that keeps you so busy?”, Nora reminds him that they’re probably being graded on this and asks him to do her a favor. The implication is, of course, to actually help her out here, but he asks “What kind of favor”, in a way that Nora picks up on as innuendo. What a charming fellow.

So yeah, he finally relents and says he takes pictures. When Nora goes to write this down, he snaps that he wasn’t done and goes on about how he also has “quite a collection” going for a columnist for the school paper, and how she has to choose between Stanford, Yale, and “…what‘s that big one with the H?” Of course, said columnist is Nora, and she is agape at how he knows all of this.

Nora. Dearest. I realize it can be surprising, but use common sense. He’s probably spying on you!!! Oh, but he then says that she won’t go to any of them, before grabbing her chair and pulling her closer to him. She outright admits that she wants to pull away at this, but doesn’t want to show fear and dear God, go to the teacher and ask him to change your seat! This dude is creepy and downright inappropriate!!!

But no, she just has to hear more. Patch tells her that she’d “thrive” at all three of the schools, but wouldn’t want to go because it’d be a “cliché of an achievement”. He then says that passing judgment is her third-biggest weakness. Nora is, of course, pissed at all of this and asks him to tell her what her second biggest-weakness is, if he’s so smart. Oh, and instead of being pissed about what a condescending asshat Patch is, she seems more angry that he seems to know so much about her. Really. Anyway, Patch says that her second-biggest weakness is that she doesn’t know how to trust, or rather she trusts all the wrong people. She then asks what her first-biggest weakness is, and he says that she keeps her life on a short leash, afraid of what she can’t control. I swear to all things holy, if this is supposed to foreshadow how she’s such a silly loser for not wanting to loosen up and be with the bad boy and how it’s fun to be with psychos, my laptop is going out of the window.

At this point, Nora tells us that she wants to go to the teacher and ask for a new seating arrangement, but is afraid of Patch thinking he is intimidating her. I realize that people do feel this way, especially when threatened, but it really just makes Nora seem stupid. And then, Patch asks her if she sleeps naked. I’m dead serious.

Nora. Go to the teacher, now. Or better yet, go to the principle. Or heck, see a guidance councilor! There's got to be someone you can talk to in private about this! But no, Nora just tells Patch that if she did sleep naked, she certainly wouldn't tell him. He then asks if she has ever had therapy, and I'm serious, not even one chapter in and he has inspired a level of hatred that outstrips that which I feel for Edward Cullen and post-Eclipse Jacob Black combined.

Apparently Nora does see the school shrink, not by her own choice, but she doesn't like to talk about it so she lies and says that she doesn't. Given how this guy is implied to know all about her, if we figure that he really already knew about her therapy and how she felt about it, that just makes him even worse.

Patch then asks if Nora has ever done anything illegal, and she says no, figuring that breaking the speed limit every so often wouldn't count "Not with him". She asks why he won't ask her normal questions, like her taste in music. He says that he doesn't want to ask what he can guess, and says that she likes Baroque music and somehow divines that because she likes control, she plays the cello. Of course this is correct, but Nora freaks out and lies again, saying that she doesn't.

Patch notices something on her wrist. She insists that it's a birthmark, but he sees it's a scar. He figures that she slit her wrist and asks if she's suicidal. We get the charming description "His eyes connected with mine, and I could feel him laughing". He then asks if her parents are married or divorced. She says that she lives with her mother, clearly getting uncomfortable. Patch continues to be an asshole and asks what happened to her father. Nora says that he passed away and when Patch won't stop pestering her, finally says that her father was murdered a year ago. She finally tells Patch to back off because he's seriously treading into personal territory. We're told how his eyes soften and he comments on how hard it must have been "like he meant it". Too little too late, Fitzpatrick. Having him have one moment of kindness doesn't exactly cover up an entire class of harassment and scaring her.

The bell rings and Nora panics because she didn't get much of anything on Patch. When she tells him this, he writes his phone number on her hand. Considering his comments before about how she should call him, that's just...gah. Of course her courage fails when she tries to tell him how much of a jerkass he was, and all she can come up with is that she's busy that night. He replies that so is he, before giving a smile and running off

"I stood nailed to the spot, digesting what had just happened. Did he eat up all the time questioning me on purpose? So I'd fail? Did he think one flashy grin would redeem him? Yes, I thought. Yes, he did.

'I won't call!' I called after him. 'Not-ever!'"

ZeldaQueen: Apparently the Suethor thinks it would redeem him as well. Nora, you silly, childish girl, you're going to hook up with the hot gangster who scares and harasses you and you're going to like it!

God, now I feel filthy.

Vee shows up at this point, complaining about how her new partner who told her all about her lice treatments that morning. Nora points out Patch in the hallway and Vee comments that apparently this is his third time going through his senior year. Nora tells about how he knew all of those things about her and freaked her out, before telling Vee that she's going to the teacher for a new partner. Good going on her part! Tell how the kid was making very inappropriate comments to her and was frightening her, nip this in the bud...

"At the end of the day, I was the one who took a slap in the face. Coach shot down my plea to rethink the seating chart. It appeared I was stuck with Patch"

ZeldaQueen: *mouth hangs open* I...he...she...they...

WHAT?

Did she not tell the teacher about the harassment? How he scared her? I...this is...

I'm tired. We've only finished chapter one and I am through.

Good freaking riddance

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Onward to: Chapter 2

Back to: Prologue

Return to to: Table of Contents

Comments

[emmram.livejournal.com]

Hee. Yeah, I've been through the being paired with classmates and questioning each other and noting down observations, etc. Except that was my first year of med school, and we were preparing to examine patients. How any of this relates to sex ed, I have no idea.

Also, hello there, Twilight. Only, 10x more creepy. *shudders*

[detritius.livejournal.com]

Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but this guy really does make Edward Cullen look sensitive and respectful in comparison. If a guy I didn't know was asking me that kind of stuff, I would probably punch his face off, no matter how hot he was. Just... do not want.

Also, thanks to Twilight, it looks like biology class is the new hot place to meet guys. Never mind that sex ed usually isn't covered in biology class, and that that Q & A session had nothing to do with sex ed.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I've often wondered what Health class IS, because I never had it. And Sex Ed was in Religion class, and was quite severely fucked up. (Pictures of dead fetuses and lots of talk about how, while sex was completely normal and natural, we were going to go to Hell if we did anything the slightest bit interesting.)

I asked once why God had created sex if He was going to punish everyone for enjoying it. The priest said that God HADN'T created it; it was created by the Devil, because Adam and Eve had sex after they ate the forbidden fruit, and they never would have done that if they had obeyed. I asked how come God had told them to be fruitful and multiply BEFORE the Fall, then--did He expect Eve to reproduce by parthenogenesis? I got detention for that. I always did when I asked serious questions.

The bit on the end makes me think that Nora did go to the Coach and told him that she wasn't comfortable sitting with Patch or answering his questions and--

And that was as far as she got, because the Coach--who, of course, wasn't going to listen to a teenage girl--interrupted and told her that he wasn't going to change the seating arrangements back for her, and she was just going to have to get used to it.

I had a number of teachers like that, unfortunately. Being treated as if your opinion doesn't matter because you're a girl gets rather wearing. So at this point, I'm loathing both Patch and the Coach.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

In my Health class, we had a variety of units. Exactly what we covered depended on what year it was, but off the top of my head, I recall studying the various systems (nervous, skeletal, circulatory, etc), various diseases, the effects of getting drunk or getting high have on the body (marijuana, cigarettes, LSD, sniffing glue, etc), the differences between stimulus and depressants, and the food groups.

Oh yeah, and we did have sex ed. We watched a few videos, were taught about various STDs and their symptoms and how to treat them, and were given some lessons on the different contraceptives and how they worked and what the level of effectiveness of each one was.

"Being treated as if your opinion doesn't matter because you're a girl gets rather wearing"

I'm loathing it in general because what sort of a message is that? If a guy is harassing you don't bother going for help because you won't get any? Granted it does happen, unfortunately, but really!

[carmyn]

NOOOOOO!!! Zelda, Zelda! Don't throw your laptop out of the window! Come on! That thing must be expensive! You don't want to lose your darling laptop over a piece of garbage disguised as literature, do you? It's not worth it!

I do have to wonder though: Why are all of these books called 'saga'? I mean, when I think of a 'saga', I think of a series that has an epic adventure (like a sci-fi or a high fantasy) but romance? Uh...no.

[szaleniec1000.livejournal.com]

I blame Twilight.

[greenerygripes.livejournal.com]

Good GOD, this is creepier than Twilight! O___O

And yeah, while Patch is creepy as all fuck, Coach is creepy too! I mean, I'm sorry, but even without details, I got kinda skeeved out by "You two girls must know a lot about each other," and the whole investigate their partners...in a class that not two minutes ago was on the science of sex or whatever.

Ew.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it does sound like Coach is seriously into femslash, doesn't it?

[szaleniec1000.livejournal.com]

Anyway, Vee is Nora’s Annoying Best Friend, and her one character trait is quickly established - she wants hot boys and she specifically wants them for sex.

I don't know how old the characters are meant to be, but at my school we had the "WELCOME TO HUMAN REPRODUCTION (SEX)" class towards the beginning of Year 7 when most of us were 11 so that's how old they are until proven otherwise. And picturing someone that age with this attitude... well, you did mention Hogwarts Exposed. D:

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I'm fairly sure that they're older than 11, because Nora has already been accepted into those three colleges. At my high school at least, the earliest I've heard of applying for and getting accepted for college is one's Junior year of high school, which would be when most people are 17 and a few are 18.

[aachren.livejournal.com]

I don't get why the author doesn't know that there is a much less creepy and nonsensical way to have a class ask questions of partners in class. You know, like at the beginning of the school year and having a hippy dippy teacher who wants everyone to 'get to know their classmates.' Seriously, why does it have to start with sex?

Also, I was really, really lucky and missed sex ed by being sneaky and switching schools, but it cannot really be like this at all, right? Please tell me I'm right!

Oh, and Nora is applying to Stanford, Harvard and Yale, but is afraid of sounding too smart?! You have got to be kidding me. Middle class kids who apply and go to these schools know how smart they are and are more than willing to let everyone else know.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

"Also, I was really, really lucky and missed sex ed by being sneaky and switching schools, but it cannot really be like this at all, right? Please tell me I'm right!"

You're right, at least from what I had. Our first time with sex ed was in about fifth grade, when we had a brief, vague video about girls having their period (only the girls saw that. No idea what the boys had, but it was probably about wet dreams or something). A year or so after, we had a lesson on a field trip about childbirth, which was demonstrated with a wool, drawstring sack. In our middle school and high school classes, we were told about the various organs and parts to the sex systems and how they worked, as well as how pregnancies worked and progressed. We never had naked Barbies hung on the black board and we never had to ask each other stupid questions.

[mogseltof.livejournal.com]

You know, maybe it was just my school, but I always thought that Sex Ed was taught as a subunit of Health class, with biology dealing with cellular reproduction and stuff like that.

Well, I'm not sure about Maine but that's exactly how it's done over here in Western Aus. O.o (Though my biol textbook had some pretty explicit illustrations of human reproduction for homeostasis.) I'm curious as to why this action would get the subject axed though.

And whaddaya know? Annoying Bint (Allegedly Female Protagonist) meets Mysterious Yet Attractive Stranger in a biology class. *waves* Hello? Author? If you're going to rip something off, try something less recognisable than freaking Twilight and a little subtlety probably wouldn't go awry.

I... I honestly don't think anything they do relates to biology in any way shape or form unless their teacher is making them go over scientific method. And Vee (I'm annoyed about that name) said it was April with the implication that it's late in the school year, so I'm going with a no on that.

...my laptop is going out of the window.

Can I recommend throwing something at a brick wall? Like the book? Far less expensive and far more satisfying. XD

I think if I ever find this book in physical form I may buy it just so I can do something revoltingly violent to it.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know. Why not just have it be the Health class? It would make far more sense!

"Can I recommend throwing something at a brick wall? Like the book?"

I would, but my book is on my laptop :(

[mancalledtrue.livejournal.com]

You know, the kids at my school used to get excited for sex ed, too, but that's because high school students tend to have a leftover immature streak.

Is this book going to do the same "There's nothing wrong with sex... as long as you're not a FILTHY SLUT!" thing that House of Night does?

...and I really like the whole "fallen angels" concept, but not when it gets wrenched into Twilight knockoffs. Thanks for pissing on one of my favorite motifs, Hush, Hush.

[a-lovesuicide.livejournal.com]

This guy is so creepy oh my God. CALL THE TEACHER, PRINCIPAL, ANYBBODY, HE IS A CREEPER.

You know, I never had a sex ed. class. I took health, psychology...but it never really came up. The scientific parts did (about the reproductive organs and stuff), but none of the other things. If it was ever mentioned all we ever got was abstinenceeeeeee.

Maybe it's because I live in the Bible belt and sex is BAAAAAD. Pfft.

And I really really want to write a spitefic for this chapter already. Patch needs a highfive in the face with a frying pan.

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

O-O

I never thought to find myself longing for Edward Cullen's brand of creepy.

What the shit is this?! D:

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. By this point, I'm calling "Bring on Edward Cullen!" At least he pretends to be a gentleman!

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/You know, maybe it was just my school, but I always thought that Sex Ed was taught as a subunit of Health class, with biology dealing with cellular reproduction and stuff like that./

My school did that, too. Only it wasn't called Sex Ed; I think that it was called "Reproduction" and it was just one of the many topics that we covered in Health. We basically learned what the sexual organs looked like, how pregnancy and childbirth worked, etc.

/Anyway, Vee is Nora’s Annoying Best Friend, and her one character trait is quickly established - she wants hot boys and she specifically wants them for sex./

Just like Ever's "best friend" in Evermore did, right? And we all know what a great friend she was. -_-

/I sense that I’ll be very annoyed with Vee for most of the novel./

Trust me, you don't know the half of it. *is glum*

/Patch? That’s the best bad-boy motorcyclist gangster name Fitzpatrick could come up with?/

Patch is such a random and stupid name for a fallen angel. I don't know if that's supposed to be the point, but it's just a silly name in general. What is he, a dog?

/Anyway, Patch says that her second-biggest weakness is that she doesn’t know how to trust, or rather she trusts all the wrong people./

Ahem.

"Trusts all the wrong people." Is that ever going to come up again? Will Nora ever realize that she does trust the wrong people, namely *Patch?* Will Patch ever realize that he basically told Nora, "Don't trust me?" That he basically shot himself in the foot there?

/he says that she keeps her life on a short leash, afraid of what she can’t control. I swear to all things holy, if this is supposed to foreshadow how she’s such a silly loser for not wanting to loosen up and be with the bad boy and how it’s fun to be with psychos, my laptop is going out of the window./

Or how it's fun to abuse drugs, shoplift, have unprotected sex, or do a bunch of other stupid and dangerous things, just so that you won't look like a stick-in-the mud. Well, you know, if doing any of the above is what passes for cool, then I'll stick to "keeping my life on a short leash," thank you very much.

/And then, Patch asks her if she sleeps naked. I’m dead serious./

So, not only does this complete stranger patronize her, but he makes sexually lewd comments to her and knows information about her that a complete stranger shouldn't know. And yet instead of telling someone, she just sits there like an idiot.

/When she tells him this, he writes his phone number on her hand./

Because I know that I'd certainly want to call someone who was behaving like a creepy stalker. *rolls eyes*

Edward Cullen, where are you? May I reread your biology classes with Bella again? Because now they look like poetry sessions compared to this.

/Did she not tell the teacher about the harassment? How he scared her? I...this is.../

She did tell him. He just didn't care. Be warned, this will not be the last time that Coach will do this. By the end of this book, I will not be surprised if you hate Coach nearly as much as you hate Patch or if you think that Patch is mind-controlling Coach to act as stupidly, irresponsibly, and horribly as he will act in upcoming chapters.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

"Patch is such a random and stupid name for a fallen angel. I don't know if that's supposed to be the point, but it's just a silly name in general. What is he, a dog?"

Actually, all I can think of is another character named Patch. He was a kid in his early teens in the Stephen Cole books "Thieves Like Us" and "Thieves Until We Die". He was infinitely nicer (if very slightly pervy), from the UK, and got his nickname because he wore an eyepatch over a glass eye he had (his real name was Patrick).

And all that gets me thinking is how much more I enjoyed those two books and how much I'd rather imagine being on adventures with that group instead of Nora and this Patch. Because while the kids in those other two books were a bunch of con artists and thieves, they were also infinitely better-mannered and more respectful than Our Two Heroes here.

[yemi-hikari.livejournal.com]

Actually, you are right about sex education not being taught in Biology. Not to mention, that kind of thing would have been taken as a silly prank. And wait, this wouldn't be the reason that camera phones are banned because as I recollect, ANY kind of cell phone is banned during regular class time, which is the real reason they are banned.

A character like Vee can actually be an interesting character, if done right, in the fact that there are teenagers out there who really want to have sex, but never have had it, but think it is the most awsume thing in the world. Let me think... a bunch of fanfic writers who are under sixteen yet write M rated stuff where sex is involved is the simple example.

I am honestly not sure why certain *cough* writers think it is all right to bring across all teenagers as shallow minded when it comes to life, like their intelligence, or sex, or how they treat others. While there is some of this, this is not a constant, nor the norm. Most teenagers are looking for something to tell them that it is all right to break from the norm, and these kinds of books don't help the matter.

I am personally bothered by the fact it is near the end of the school year, yet it is coming across as if this is the first time the girls have been in this class. I mean, hello, he's asking a first day question, what is science. Fail on the author's part big time.

As for the rest... WTF...

[aura-boreal.livejournal.com]

So you're doing this book. Oh, it gets even more ridiculous later on, with Patch getting away with blatant sexual harassment in front of the coach and actually getting encouraged.

Anyways, good luck! I remember forcing myself to finish the book. I was ever so surprised at the "happy" ending when the two main characters get together, 'cause it sure didn't seem happy to me.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's Chapter 3. -_-; I hate that chapter.

[tsukasabuddha.livejournal.com]

Patch reminds me of a homeless mental patient in so many ways that my mental image of him has gone from Edward Cullen to Robert Pattinson when he is trying to avoid fans.

And I don't understand what the author is trying to do here. He started off listing things about her that one would have to know beforehand, then gave some deduction sounding pronouncements, and then just asked pestering questions. Is this supposed to be mysterious?

[winki-pop.livejournal.com]

You don't know how mad I am as a teacher to read that first chapter…

Coach needs to GTFO right now! He is acting majorly inappropriate in an area of work where he owes a duty of care to students and is not providing as such, as well as dismissing a student's concerns. Things like this must be reported . Coach doesn't even bother to walk around the class to check up on the kids! In a perfect world filled with common sense, he would be suspended immediately! Oh, and you do know, Coach, that you need a permit to work with kids, right? (In Australia, we call it the Working With Children Card).

Don’t even get me started on Patch. This whole Rebel Without a Cause trope is basically ruining teen lit nowadays! And it's a trope I actually like when it's done right or done as a parody! >.< This is real damaging stuff: 'Hey girls, dangerous creepers are fun! Just as long as they're hot, they'll be fine to date!' >.<

I know it's already been said, but they're almost 18 and doing the basics of Sex Ed now? I first did it in Grade 5, then in Year 7 where it was a unit in Health class. It was pretty in-depth (well, it was public school), and in our first lesson to break the tension, the teacher allowed us to come up with as many slang words for penis and vagina and boobs as we could :P (That teacher was a major bitch by the way. She was later fired for stealing money from the school :D)

Why is it that when a character in these sorts of books shows the slightest bit of intelligence, they instantly bash it for making them sound overly smart? Do these Suethors really think that all teenagers think that sounding intelligent is undesirable

I know I already said something like this during 'Marked,' but this, too, is a common trope in teen lit nowadays and in society itself. Smart people aren't 'hawt' and why the hell should anyone put the effort into anything when you should be just entitled to it? This is what you get when mediocrity is rewarded in today's age…

The Sex Ed class in 'Mean Girls' was way funnier than this… :P

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Word on everything you said. Also:

"The Sex Ed class in 'Mean Girls' was way funnier than this… :P"

Oh lord, I know! XD And it was more informative than this class to boot!

[lamadamerouge.livejournal.com]

I know this is a bit late, but...

Jesus-fucking-Christ what is this? I swear to God if this guy tried it at my school (dunno how he would have since I went to an all girls school), the teachers would have sicced the male faculty members on him.

Also... sex-ed... I got it in 5th grade from some crazy woman with handpuppets. In high school, it was part of the Health class everyone had to take and I went to a Catholic school (mostly promoting the "If you have sex, you will get an STD or get pregnant and Jesus will give you the Evil Eye" thing). I'm glad I didn't waste the money on this book... although I wasted it on a bunch of other crappy YA novels.

[tangerine-sama.livejournal.com]

I was told this was supposed to be more horrible than the Twilight series.


They were right. OH GOOD GOD. This is not looking good and we are just on the first chapter. *shudders* What is with this Idiot Female Protagonist obsession in stories like this? Why can't the main female lead have even a fucking OUNCE of sense?! If anyone spoke to me that way, I would promptly show them the finger and tell them what they can do with their opinion of me and then tell the teacher to get this creep away from me.


Also, I think it's really, REALLY creepy that this Patch asshole makes Wardo look like a sweet little angel. Speaking of angels, I'm just going to guess that the author is going to shit all over their mythology and basically make a mockery of everything that makes an angel awesome. Patch is already pissing me off. I can tell I'll want to sharpen the weapons for him.

[arpeggio513.livejournal.com]

"Silence will fall, as all mouths were held agape."

Sorry, sorry, I felt that obligatory. It makes me feel better.

Seriously though, what is up with this phenomenon? And this time its worse than Sparklepires, no we need Half-Angels now. I'm about to send some Shen Megami Tensei style Angels all over these books and see if anyone finds Angels attractive again.

[ng55snarkings.livejournal.com]

GEEZ! Patch...is an ASSHOLE! God, he almost makes Edward Cullen look like a nice gentleman. That's not saying much, but at least he pretended to say nice things.

And Nora is just eating it up. What happened to genuinely nice guys? What happened to guys who liked a girl and wanted to be her friend, get to know her, and who knows, maybe date her if things seemed right for it? What happened to the nice guy who made a girl feel special in various kinds of nice ways? Like, buying her favourite snack for no reason? Watching her favourite childhood movie with her?

Where are THOSE guys?! Why do we have to have douchebag assholes?!!!? WHY?!?? Come on!

Quint from Jaws, yes, he was an ass, but he was written so nicely and was just so hilarious and likable somehow. Again, an ass, but he's so hard not love and laugh with.

;_; Oh, Zelda Queen, I'll never understand stupid girls anymore... I really won't. I commend your great bravery! I am not worthy!

[annealysse.livejournal.com]

Okay. Only a prologue and a chapter into this, and I can't believe I actually had a friend recommend this book to me. It's just...UGH. -_-

I do enjoy your sporkings, though. I feel like someone should pay you for these. :p

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it really does take talent to establish jerkassity so swiftly in a story. Fitzpatrick deserves some kind of an award for that.

And thank you kindly! XD I'm sent lots of internet chocolate, so it makes up for it. ^^

[mibamonster.livejournal.com]

'“This class isn‘t going to teach me anything I don‘t already know”.'
You can be a virgin and know everything they explain to you in sex ed. Hell, I had sex ed when I was thirteen and there was nothing new to me and I'm still a virgin at almost-eighteen. Especially nowadays, with the internet, it's not that surprising to know how sex works. It doesn't establish your characters as sluts that they know and use the pill, have condoms ready just in case, know when you can get pregnant, etc.

'smoky-eyed brunette '
I think smoky-eyed is just tacky. That's just... It brings back eyes like limpid tears. You don't want that.

' He replies that so is h'
All I can think of is Edward Cullen sneaking into Bella's room at night. He behaved the same way about it. And seeing as this Patch (My god. That name.) already has strong stalker vibes... Not good!

[(Anonymous)]

Why are everyone's names so stupid? Is this a tradition for Twilight clones?

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Apparently. I don't think it'd be quite so bad if everything else wasn't so stupid.

[alexander smithing (from livejournal.com)]

This book takes place in Maine? Maybe it's Stephen King trying to parody Twilight.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

If that were true, that would be so freaking awesome.

[katistrophe.livejournal.com]

Also on the board is the sentence “WELCOME TO HUMAN REPRODUCTION (SEX)” and I am thanking each and every one of my lucky stars that this isn’t happening in Hogwarts Exposed.
Don't get too relieved yet - I believe one of the sequels has Ron teaching sex ed.

We’re told that there are artificial leaves on a “few choice places”, which makes no sense seeing as Barbie and Ken are quite anatomically impaired.
Maybe... they wanted to suggest there was something to cover up?

He says to call him Patch, and then says that he means it when he says to call him and winks.
This guy is now played by Patchface in my mind.

because she likes control, she plays the cello.
Bwuh? How is the cello a particularly control freaky instrument?