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zelda_queenProjection Room Voices: Are you...settled? Ready to continue the chapter?
ZeldaQueen: Just a minute. I want to get a couple more sporkers to help me out here.
Projection Room Voices: Who'll you have?
ZeldaQueen: I need some people who are tougher, who can handle a few more chapters...bring me Midna, Zant, Majora, and Link!
Projection Room Voices: Right away. *intercom* Will Link the Hero of Time, Zant Usurper of Twilight, Majora, and Midna the Twilight Princess please report to the Sporking Chamber?
*minutes pass while elevator music plays*
Midna: What is it now? I had the day off.
ZeldaQueen: You're helping me spork the rest of this chapter of Breaking Dawn.
Link: What? You've got to be kidding me!
ZeldaQueen: And if you're good, I'll have you help me with some other chapters.
Zant: Oh, horray! I do love a good sporking! This is so exciting, isn't it Midna?
Midna: Fantastic. Let's just get this over with.
Link: This is a load of shi -
ZeldaQueen: Remember, there aren't anymore censors. Watch your language.
Link: Whatever. Let's go.
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 8 - Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already (Part 2)
Midna: That's the chapter title?
Majora: Impressive. I'd whistle, but I'm still getting used to my new lips.
ZeldaQueen: Oh yeah, how's that cloned body you're possessing working out?
Majora: Great! A little weird, seeing as it's female and copied off of our First Lady's, but still...
Midna: Quit fooling around!
ZeldaQueen: Right. When we last left young Jacob Black, he was talking to his pedophile friend who was playing with his...young bride-to-be at the beach, when both were summoned by the pack alpha male, Sam.
Majora: How exciting! This is just like a soap opera, isn't it?
Zant: Didn't they already run something like this? All My Werewolves?
ZeldaQueen: Jacob goes running off at superhuman speeds, until he gets deep into the woods. There, in one practiced maneuver, he...um...kicks off his shoes, pulls off his shorts, ties them to his ankle, and turns into a wolf.
Midna: ...Why?
ZeldaQueen: To keep them around when he turns back, I guess.
Link: Well that's stupid! Doesn't the author realize that a human's ankle and the part of a wolf's leg where it's "ankle" would be aren't exactly the same thickness and shape and would probably at least slow the wolf down?
Midna: Oh be quiet. Not everyone can have a mysterious power conveniently provide and remove their clothes when they transform.
Link: Yeah, I guess I should be grateful. If it weren't for that, I'd have spent half of Twilight Princess running around Hyrule naked.
ZeldaQueen: *is dazed by the thought of such fanservice*
Link: Stop thinking of me naked!
Midna: Gah, I'll take over until she snaps out of it. Jacob goes running off as a wolf, reflecting on how easy it is for him to transform. Specifically, he things "I didn't have issues with my temper anymore. Except when it got in the way."
Majora: So...his temper doesn't cause problems for him, unless it does?
Link: Huh. That's like me saying "I didn't have problems with sneak attacks anymore. Except when an enemy surprised me."
Midna: Or me saying "I didn't have problems with family members cursing me. Except for when one did."
Majora: Or, "'I like what I get' is the same as 'I get what I like'."
All: *stare at Majora*
Midna: Okaaay...so that aside, Jacob goes on to thinking about Bella's wedding for pretty much no reason, recalling how angry he was, how he wanted to kill Edward, and how bothered he was when Sam had the gall to order him not to kill anyone. *flips through series notes* Is it just me, or do the men in this series display an alarming tendency towards violence?
ZeldaQueen: YES GODDAMMIT!!!
Link: Ah, she lives.
Majora: And has steam coming out of her ears.
Zant: That's nothing. I can make steam come out of any of my body orifices. Want to see?
All: NO!
ZeldaQueen: God no, this is scarring enough already.
Midna: You fit to take over?
ZeldaQueen: Yes. *sighs* Jacob is angry when he thinks about how he is forced to obey Sam's commands, as he hates choice being taken away from him. And I'm making a note of this, because there've been no notes from the future but I still am willing to bet that this philosophy will be shot to Hades by the story's end. *scribbles note* His emo thoughts are interrupted when Leah is mind-linked to him and calls him "self-absorbed", he tells her that she has room to talk, and I really want to stick a knife in my head now because I know that Leah-bashing will be coming up.
Link: So I take it that these wolves are mind-liked when they're transformed?
ZeldaQueen: Yep.
Link: And they bicker like children.
ZeldaQueen: They're teenagers I guess...
Link: Hey, I was a teenager when I set out to save the land of Hyrule from Ganondorf - for the first time - and I didn't get into petty fights even when I was forced to listen to the advice of a pushy girl.
Midna: You're really reaching for it, wolf-boy.
ZeldaQueen: I really don't want to read this. Can someone else take over.
Majora: Oh! Pick me!
Midna: Can you even read?
ZeldaQueen: Take it away, Majora.
Majora: Okay, Sam tells them to "knock it off guys" and Jacob senses Leah wince at the word "guys". He thinks that she is touchy.
Midna: Oh that's nice! She didn't even say anything and he's complaining.
Link: Let it be known that no matter how annoying I may find the myriad of women that I need to rescue, schmooze with, and escort through dungeons on my back, I am never this rude to or about them.
Majora: Sam asks where Quil and Jared are, and learns that Quil is coming after he drops off his child bride and Jared is currently off with his imprintee - a girl named Kim - and probably didn't hear the call. Everyone is disgusted at this because they are not looking forward to mind-linking with a wolf who is recalling a romantic moment with his sweetie.
Zant: I know how they feel! If you have any idea how many times Midna and I -
Midna: Go on Zant... *runs thumb along the blade of a knife she didn't have a moment ago*
Zant: Well we -
Link: CARRY ON!
Majora: The pack go running through the forest, with Leah keeping pace with Jacob. He tells us that "She hated being outrun. Being the fastest was the only edge she claimed" and even I am beginning to feel irritated by this and I once tried to crush a world under a living moon. The wolves start to talk about something that they heard and Jacob panics when Bella's dad, Charlie, is mentioned. He relaxes when he hears that Bella got home alright and is not vampired/dead and goes off on an "oh-woe-is-me, she'll-be-vamped-soon-anyway" rant. They all take this to mean that the Cullens are getting ready to make Bella all vampire-ish and Jacob insists that the treaty has been broken and they are now finally able to attack the Cullens.
Midna: What is with this kid?
Majora: Hmm, even I don't think I'm that volatile.
ZeldaQueen: That's just it! Jacob was introduced as a sweet, innocent, pretty normal kid. Hence why people supported him dating Bella - he was just the kind of safe guy that could help her after her boyfriend gave her a kick in the ribs emotionally and abandoned her. And then Meyer went and screwed with him. Forget the werewolf thing, he was transformed into an angsty jerk with the brains of Hamlet and none of the classic tragic elements. I honestly don't know why, either Meyer wanted to make him less appealing than Edward or she really thought that she was making him more worthy of Bella. Either way...
Zant: He went the same way as the lungfish.
Link: What the flying - ?
Midna: Just ignore him.
ZeldaQueen: Fine. there's not much left. Sam is pretty sensible and tells Jake that there's no reason to attack the Cullens - Bella made her own choice to let them bite her, times have changed, the Cullens really aren't a danger, and he sees no reason to apply the treaty to this. So yet another potential obstacle in the vampiring of Bella Swan is tossed out the window. Horray.
Zant: You don't sound very happy about it.
ZeldaQueen: *glares at him then resumes reading* Seth continues to call after Jacob to calm down but Jack goes running off, remembering those months he was a wolf. He gets all angsty and goes on and on and on about how life was so much simpler when he was an animal and didn't have complex emotions fueling him. *rubs head* Meyer, I know you hate humans in this series, but it's still insulting. Please stop.
Zant: I don't think she can hear -
All: SHUT UP!
ZeldaQueen: Jake turns human, puts on his shorts, and goes off with his mind no longer linked to the pack's. Apparently Sam's order for the pack to leave the Cullens alone doesn't extend to individuals and Jacob is free to go off and attack them on his own. Right. Because one wolf can bring down seven vampires, one of which can read his mind. Hello McFly, anybody home? No, he probably knows all the risks and is still going in because he's an angsty bugger who wants to die defending his One True Love's Honor.
ZeldaQueen: And that's it for that chapter, thank God!
Link: Wasn't too much there, if you ask me.
Midna: You hardly did anything at all!
Link: That's because there wasn't anything to do!
ZeldaQueen: Settle the argument when I bring you guys back next chapter.
Midna: *sputters* Bring us back next chapter?
Link: Excellent! I'm not afraid of a challenge! *cracks knuckles*
Majora: Let's get some munchies. I'm so new to this whole "hunger" thing.
Onward to: Chapter 9: Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Back to: Chapter 8: Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already (Part 1)
Return to: Table of Contents
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-09 08:14 pm (UTC)Ha, my inner Shakespeare nerd loves your comment! XD
Yes, even though Hamlet was a tragic hero and all that, he still managed to be a jerk and an idiot in some respects, especially in the way he treated Ophelia. D<
But at least he didn't put his girlfriend through the kinds of things that Edward and Jacob put Bella through and he had a sufficient reason for angst, so that puts him ahead of them by a long shot.
And I hate Jacob in this book. I hated him in "Eclipse" too. Look, Jacob, I know that Bella was awful, I know that she treated you terribly - so then move on and get over her! She's not worth your time! Why do you still want to be with someone who used you so selfishly? Before, you were sympathetic, now you just look like a pathetic loser who's in massive denial. She doesn't want you. She never wanted you. She's *married* now. You don't have any chance of getting her back, so give it up already! You haven't imprinted on her (thank goodness), so stop sulking and move on with your life!
(And stop making those nasty swipes at Leah, you judgmental hypocrite.)
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-09 09:14 pm (UTC)You're welcome! Shakespeare's awesome. ^^
"Yes, even though Hamlet was a tragic hero and all that, he still managed to be a jerk and an idiot in some respects, especially in the way he treated Ophelia. D<
But at least he didn't put his girlfriend through the kinds of things that Edward and Jacob put Bella through and he had a sufficient reason for angst, so that puts him ahead of them by a long shot."
Well I was specifically thinking of how Hamlet spent the entire play frittering around faking insanity, when he could have probably killed off Claudius much sooner and prevented most of the cast from kicking the bucket.
But I agree, There are still the disturbing Ophelia undertones going on there. The difference is that Meyer seems to think that this is all terribly romantic and I'm pretty sure that Shakespeare didn't see "Hamlet" like that. That's why he called it a "tragedy". And yes, Hamlet's dad was dead, his mother committed a rather nasty social faux paus by marrying his uncle (who he later learns commits said murder), and he later finds out that the girl he actually did love went insane and killed herself. Bella is not dead, not insane to the point of sympathy, and never loved him.
"And I hate Jacob in this book. I hated him in "Eclipse" too. Look, Jacob, I know that Bella was awful, I know that she treated you terribly - so then move on and get over her! She's not worth your time! Why do you still want to be with someone who used you so selfishly? Before, you were sympathetic, now you just look like a pathetic loser who's in massive denial. She doesn't want you. She never wanted you. She's *married* now. You don't have any chance of getting her back, so give it up already!
And he goes on and on and on in the next few chapters about how he just can't for the life of him understand why Bella wants to keep him around when she's married, yadda, yadda, yadda. Apparently these people have never heard of "platonic relationships". Honestly though, I hate this section. Reading from Jacob's point of view makes me feel like I'm eating metal - it's painful and awkward and just plain terrible. He used to be a sweet teenage kid for heaven's sake! What the frig happened?
" You haven't imprinted on her (thank goodness), so stop sulking and move on with your life! "
Oh ho ho, I must laugh at this because Jake and his views on imprinting make me want to rip out my hair. You read above how he hated having his choices taken away from him. Well...yeah wait until later.
"(And stop making those nasty swipes at Leah, you judgmental hypocrite.)"
Oh good lord, we're going to get to the point in which Jacob starts to warm up to Leah, but the next few chapters - I skimmed through them and they are FULL of Leah-bashing.
Thanks for reading though! :)
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-09 10:32 pm (UTC)Ah, but that's supposed to be his tragic flaw, isn't it? Macbeth had his ambition, Othello had his jealousy, and Hamlet had his procrastination. Of course, we see what happens when he *doesn't* think before he acts, when we see him kill Polonius, which makes his reluctance to act a bit more understandable.
/And he goes on and on and on in the next few chapters about how he just can't for the life of him understand why Bella wants to keep him around when she's married, yadda, yadda, yadda. Apparently these people have never heard of "platonic relationships"./
You're right, but at the same time, I thought that Bella had a lot of nerve asking Jacob to still be her friend after everything that had happened. "Oh, yes, I led you on and broke your heart and dumped you for a guy you hate - but we can still be friends, right? Pretty please?" To me, it was just another instance of her despicable passive-aggressive behavior. Jacob refuses to leave Bella alone, but Bella also refuses to leave *him* alone. She never once thinks about how he feels; it's all about *her* pain and *her* loneliness, even though she's supposedly married to the man of her dreams.
And yes, apparently Stephenie Meyer doesn't want Bella to have any platonic relationships, given how nearly every male character in the book falls for her and most of the ones that don't are already in relationships, so they're automatically off-limits. Besides, since when did friendship mean anything to Bella Swan? She willingly turns her back on all of her human friends, she endangers Jessica's safety by stupidly and thoughtlessly going up to a group of men she thinks are thugs and then has the nerve to *not* apologize afterwards and to blame Jessica for becoming angry, she tells Alice in "Twilight" that they're friends and then later stabs her in the back by breaking her promise to not tell Edward that Alice told her about how to become a vampire, and she stabs Jacob in the back as well by blurting out *his* secret to Edward after also promising not to tell and then later on, manipulates him and breaks his heart. All friends are to Bella are people that can be easily used to her advantage. This is horrible enough, but it's even worse if Meyer actually believes this.
/He used to be a sweet teenage kid for heaven's sake! What the frig happened?/
Meyer saw that Jacob was rapidly becoming more popular than Edward in "New Moon" and that Jacob/Bella was becoming more popular than Edward/Bella, so she "solved" that problem by completely butchering Jacob's character and making him out to be even worse than Edward. It's the same thing with Alice. In "Twilight," she was perky, friendly, caring, and not afraid to stand up to Edward. I certainly liked her a lot more than I did Bella. And what did Meyer do? She transformed Alice into a shallow, spoiled, childish spendthrift who gleefully goes along with Edward's plans to kidnap Bella and hold her hostage. That's why when I say that I like Jasper/Alice, I really mean that I like Jasper/Twilight!Alice.
/Oh ho ho, I must laugh at this because Jake and his views on imprinting make me want to rip out my hair. You read above how he hated having his choices taken away from him. Well...yeah wait until later./
Oh, yes, I know, when he tries to force himself to imprint on a random girl just so that he won't be left out (Um, hello? Ever hear of just asking a girl out and pursuing a relationship with her the *normal* way? As in, a way that doesn't involve supernatural sexist brainwashing and mind-control?) and then much later, when he finally does imprint...only he follows Quil's example and imprints on a newborn. *shudders*
You know, I wonder if there's a fic out there that deals with both Nessie and Claire as they struggle to overcome imprinting. It would be cool if they were best friends and helped each other escape.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-10 12:26 am (UTC)And that's where I laugh bitterly, because I heard Meyer say in an interview how she thought "New Moon" was so great because it showed "so many different kinds of love". Lady, please. Rowling succeeded in doing that, you did not. *hugs Harry Potter, all seven of them*
"Meyer saw that Jacob was rapidly becoming more popular than Edward in "New Moon" and that Jacob/Bella was becoming more popular than Edward/Bella, so she "solved" that problem by completely butchering Jacob's character and making him out to be even worse than Edward. It's the same thing with Alice. In "Twilight," she was perky, friendly, caring, and not afraid to stand up to Edward. I certainly liked her a lot more than I did Bella. And what did Meyer do? She transformed Alice into a shallow, spoiled, childish spendthrift who gleefully goes along with Edward's plans to kidnap Bella and hold her hostage. That's why when I say that I like Jasper/Alice, I really mean that I like Jasper/Twilight!Alice."
Personally, I think the problem is Meyer's screwed up idea of a "romantic" relationship. When she more or less ignores characters or at least doesn't try to make them romantic, she gets them going pretty well. But notice that when Jacob starts to be a contender for Bella's affections (or at least wants to be), he starts to act like Edward. When the backstories of Alice or Rosalie are explored, they suddenly either become shallow witches (Alice) or Bella's pep-squad (Rosalie).
"You know, I wonder if there's a fic out there that deals with both Nessie and Claire as they struggle to overcome imprinting. It would be cool if they were best friends and helped each other escape."
There actually are a few from Renesmee's point of view at least.
http://be-themoon.livejournal.com/49993.html
http://be-themoon.livejournal.com/51025.html
http://be-themoon.livejournal.com/50288.html
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4567400/1/Seven
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4942443/1/Eighteen
The last one does have Claire in it, with Nessie being Awesome and saving her. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-10 02:52 pm (UTC)*punches him in the balls*
Goddamnit, Meyer has this uncanny ability to make me go on a feminist tirade.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-10 08:02 pm (UTC)Ah well, the good news is that Jacob does grow to like Leah as a friend by the end of the book. The bad news is that...well there's that period of time before that.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-13 08:42 pm (UTC)*punches him in the balls*/
*applauds*
/Goddamnit, Meyer has this uncanny ability to make me go on a feminist tirade./
Me, too. Her books are so sexist that they make me want to fume in rage sometimes.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-11-26 04:51 pm (UTC)