The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner: Part 11

[zelda_queen]

ZeldaQueen: Dear Sailor Spork, please let something interesting happen. Amen.

Ah yes, and as a personal aside, I've just started up a second account at zq_nanowrimo. It's rather empty now, but I plan to fill it with my writings for the NaNoWriMo contest, the idea being that it might motivate me a bit more to keep up my daily quota. When the contest starts in three months. Nnnn... So if anyone's wondering why this weird person is friending them...that's why.

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 11

ZeldaQueen: Okay, the newborns have been training and Bree is sitting off to the side with Fred. I can only conclude that Riley is letting her get away with this because she's supposed to be convincing Fred to help out in the battle. She, of course, doesn't do that at all, but it's probably just as well. Fred is awesome enough not to be fooled by stuff like that. Instead, we get Bree going on about how boring and repetitive the fighting is. Fred breaks out a deck of cards and starts to play Solitaire and Bree decides that watching this is more entertaining than "watching the same mistakes over and over again". Either Meyer has completely missed the point of training for combat or she just decided to chicken out of writing it. Both cases seem quite likely. Twelve hours later, Bree tells Fred about a move he could make with the red five. No, I have no idea why that's important, but Meyer saw fit to specify. I guess it's supposed to be Fred seeing that Bree is interested in the game, since he starts playing Rummy with her after this. Question! Isn't Bree pretending she doesn't know what's going on? So isn't all but waving a sign that says "I'm Sneaking Away, I Don't Need This!" not hiding stuff very well? I'm just saying...

We're told that Riley gives no one breaks to hunt and everyone is getting really, really thirsty. I still don't care. Why? Well, first off, we never see any examples of how newborns are controlled by thirst. So all we get is Bree whining about how OH-SO-THIRSTY she is, which she does anyway (except for a period when Meyer forgot). We get mention that Fred looks strained, but nothing. I mean, if Meyer were more clever, she could have made some allusions to alcohol dependency, maybe having Fred's hands shake as he holds the cards or something. But no, nothing.

So, on the third night, they all rested. No, really. Riley calls halt and everyone gathers around. Bree mentions that everyone just goes back to their original gangs, so "the practicing hadn’t changed any of those alliances". I'm going to mention this later. Bree, meanwhile, huddles up by Fred for protection.

Riley tells them all that he thinks that they're ready, and if I didn't already know that the newborns were just supposed to be canon fodder, I'd break a rib laughing. Everyone starts growling at this and we're beaten over the head with how uniform and army-like it is. Keep this in mind for later as well.

They're all taken out for their reward and Kristie's group starts shoving at Raoul's, and Riley is basically like "Behave yourselves or so help me I'll turn this car around and we'll go right home!". Fred, meanwhile, does a "ladies first" gestures with his arm for Bree which would be cute, except that Meyer then whacks us over the head with how he clearly isn't doing it out of fear of Bree being behind him, so it must just be him being polite. SHOW, DON'T TELL, MEYER!!!

The two run along after the army and Bree wonders what Fred's thinking, and if he was "only thirsty". I just realized, every single goddammed time Meyer tries to suggest a budding romance, she always has the point of view character wondering what the object of their affections is thinking. And of course, the narrator inevitably comes to the conclusion that of course the object of affections is thinking of something else. After all, the narrator is just so plain and boring! And I find this hilarious because given how flat and dull Meyer's characters all are, trying to figure out their thoughts is like snipe hunting. It's also annoyingly repetitive and so shoujo that I just want to scream.

We get a lot of pointless descriptions of where they're running and Bree notes that Riley had better have a lot of bodies from them to drink from, or else it'll be a free-for-all. *violent eye twitch* I'm sorry, what was that? What was that??? So let me get this straight, just because she wants there to be some order, she's hoping that Riley kidnapped and/or already murdered extra innocent civilians??? Is that it?

...Gee, what a charming protagonist here. I just feel so bad, knowing what's going to happen to her.

They all come out off the water and Riley points to a commuter ferry boat and basically tells them that this is their dinner, so they can have at just as soon as he knocks out power and communications. Bree notes that "Humans weren’t
supposed to know about vampires. At least, not for very long. Just long enough for us to kill them". Meyer, stop. Just stop. I'm not going to believe Bree's a smart cookie, no matter how many times you have her be "logical". The fact that she so casually thinks horrible things like that just makes me hate her weasely black guts.

And then, we get this horrible scene. The lights go out, they all attack, and Bree says that her brain basically shuts down as she drinks up and is merry. When she comes back to herself, she realizes that she must have drunk three times what she normally has and that the blood was tasty and clean. There's mention of how Bree ate the fewest number of people and how Raoul ate so many that he has a hill of bodies that he's laughing on top of. Everyone is cheering "like a bunch of happy drunks" and Jen comes out of the water and mentions that she got all of the people who tried to escape by swimming.

Now, there are a lot of words to be said about this bit, most of them consisting of four letters. Mervin has already made some great points on the matter, specifically the fact that so many people have mysteriously vanished and surely will be missed, oh and that the girl who's supposed to be our protagonist just committed mass murder!!!

Now, I know a lot of people will try to excuse Bree by saying "she's a vampire, she can't help it!" *cough* Well, here's the thing. Yes, Bree's a vampire. Yes, she says she pretty much blacked out when she was drinking. The rub? She doesn't show the least amount of sorrow or guilt for what she did!!!!!! She just sits there, calmly narrating about everything without showing any sort of self-loathing or revolt. Heck, if Meyer could have managed that, she could have potentially made this all quite sympathetic. But no, she can't even have Bree give shallow Mary Sue levels of pretend guilt. I'll be addressing this later.

And the fact that a huge number of people just disappeared? Well, in any other case, it could probably be fixed somehow. The author could imply that Riley simply doesn't care, since the newborns will ideally all be dead and he expects to be far away with Victoria. It could be written like in Harry Potter, that the massive attacks are noticed but become X-Files-esque occurrences. Needless to say, we don't get any of that. What gets me is that all of this? Not one mention of any of it in Breaking Dawn. Nothing. Nada. No mentions of police investigations, nothing from Charlie, nothing at all. I can only conclude that either Bella and Jacob are so utterly, utterly self-centered that they somehow ignored all mentions of massive deaths in Seattle or the people in Seattle were dumbed down to the point at which they completely forgot about the Big Bad Thing after it stopped (which apparently is an affliction that strikes everyone in this God-forsaken series). Either way, it reflects very, very poorly on Meyer's writing skills.

Okay. We must move on. *deep breathing* Bree finds Fred who appears to be hiding out and keeping an eye on Riley. We're not told that he has a ton of bodies lying around him, so for my own peace of mind I shall pretend he continued to be awesome and held back. Riley, meanwhile, gives a speech about how this is what they'll have all of the time once they get rid of the Cullens, and apparently the newborns all have lobotomies because the idea that the humans would abandon Seattle after enough deaths doesn't cross their minds. Anyway, Riley tells them to sink the boat and get back so they can talk about a matter of dessert. Because it's not like a boat mysteriously sinking in safe waters with nothing for it to crash against, all while the power was weirdly off and no one called for help isn't going to be suspicious. Nope. Nor is it like anyone would, you know, find the sunk ship and perform autopsies on the bodies and notice that they died by blood loss.

Fred and Bree continue to stay separate from the other newborns when they get back to the house and Bree notes that if Riley can't deliver on his promises after the fight, there's going to be hell to pay. Um Bree? Maybe he doesn't plan for any of you to survive the damned fight!!! GOD!

Riley manages to get their attention and tells them to find the right vampire clan during the fight or else they're going to have trouble. How many clans do the newborns think are running around the area? *rubs head* Anyway, they're told that the enemy clan has yellow eyes, which means that their sight sucks because they're really old. Look, I'm just repeating this!

And then Bella edges into the story. Hooray.

Because the next thing Riley brings up is how the Cullens keep around with them a "pet human". And of course, everyone is just shocked, shocked to discover gambling in this establishment at this development. Kristie asks if Bella's supposed to be a portable meal or something, which actually would be an interesting idea in a darker vampire story. Like, a vampire tricks a girl into thinking that he loves her, that they're meant to be, gets her to go off with him, and then eats her the next time he gets the munchies and there's no one else around. But of course, we know what Meyer is doing here. This is just touting how Pure and True the love of Edward and Bella is. Because of course it is so inconceivable to these stupid newborns that a vampire can tolerate a human's company at all. That the very idea of a vampire keeping a human around is so shocking. After all, it's not like that has never happened in vampire media before!

So, okay Meyer. Are all these people horrible sociopaths? Were they all turned with no family or friends or loved ones left behind that they miss? Do they all see humans only as a meal ticket, to be munched on as soon as they're caught? Hmm? Really? Are they all so alien that it's impossible for them imagine another vampire enjoying the company of a human?

Bullshit.

Meyer, you appear to have forgotten something here - VAMPIRES USED TO BE HUMANS!!!! You can dress this all up. You can blame the sociopathic tendencies on their thirst, but that has nothing to do with it. These bastards and bitches just don't care about people. And you expect me to believe this? That in a group of about twenty or so teenagers and young adults, not a one of them can understand the desire to continue to mingle with humans? That not a one of them has a human - a parent, a sibling, a boyfriend or girlfriend - that they wish to return to? That not a one of them has at least heard of the idea of a vampire traveling and interacting with humans? Because trust me, it happens in media. A lot. Being Human. Cirque Du Freak. Blade. True Blood. There's an entire goddamed trope devoted to it. So please, Meyer. Please stop making it sound like this is some special thing, just to make Edward look better. It doesn't work.

*Closes eyes and rubs head* Okay, not much more left here. Riley pulls out a ziplock bag and opens it to reveal Bella's red shirt. Remember, the one that everyone was a fucking moron about in Eclipse? He passes it around and everyone huffs it as he tells them that he got it earlier while scouting, adding "I watch out for my kids". Of course, no one responds with "Right! That's why you were fine with letting us set each other on fire and rip each other to bits and didn't bother to train us for this until the last possible moment! How caring!"

Bree sniffs the shirt and we get a lot of bull about how sweet it is and how she would just love to nom on Bella. Yes, she's actively fantasizing, with no regret, about how she'd like to drink the blood of some random girl she's never met and knows nothing about. I mean, we all know what Bella's like and I personally wouldn't mind her dying, but still... Oh, and if one considers the old vampire biting equaling sex, this bit just screams "les yay".

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ZeldaQueen: And because this is so stupid, I'm stopping here for now. Good riddance!

Onward to: Part 12

Back To: Part 10

Back to: Table of Contents

Comments

[carmyn]

Oh! Oh! Zelda! *waves arms frantically* I know why no one on the Cullen's side was aware of the very possible police investigations that were caused by the newborns killing off an entire boat full of people! *jumps up and down*

*clears throat* Drum roll? *obligatory drum roll*

Meyer never thought of TSSLoBT during 'Eclipse', or before or during 'Breaking Dawn', despite what she says, so she never put in the sublties needed for the hints towards this novella. Aside from seeing Bree herself. This entire thing is obviously because everyone bitching about 'Midnight Sun' and we Antis kinda liked Bree and pitied her, so Meyer decided to use her in this novella (of which she said that she didn't like writing novellas because they were short) and we all needed to beat the poor, poor cash cow once more. So this entire thing was big one publicity stunt that has loose connections to the original series, and the strongest one we see is Bree herself at the end of 'Eclipse'. And that's it. Nothing else. No other allusions to this. Nada. Nor the consequences afterwards. ESPECIALLY the consequences afterwards, because, what are those anyways?

Do I get a cookie?

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'd say that would answer things quite well. >_<

Of course! *offers plate full of cookies* Help yourself! ^_^

[carmyn]

Meyer is so predictable. When I heard she thought of this before Breaking Fail, and said 'BULLSHIT!' I heard what happens at the end, and it does not match up at all in any way possible.

*devours cookies* Bwha.

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

My theory is the movie makers asked her about Bree since they needed to pad the movie. Meyer answered some questions and though "Hey, maybe I should do a novella about it!" She wrote it and sent it to the publishers and the movie makers. Publishes gave it a go but movie makers just went "Yeah... that's not going to work." And that's why Movie-Bree is better than novella-Bree.

[das-mervin.livejournal.com]

Do you notice something else, Zelda? That the closer we come to zero hour, the more BORING the book gets? That's why it took me so damn long to finish it--because I was BORED OFF MY ASS by the end. I mean, GEEZ! DO SOMETHING!!!!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know! It just...starts...dragging! And it goes completely dry! Meyer's lame attempt at "lingo" the descriptions of Bree dying of thirst, they just fade out.

Dear Meyer, if you get bored with a story midway through, fine. DON'T PUBLISH IT!

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

Ugh...boring. So boring...Meyer can't write climaxes for SHIT.

And I already mentioned this on Mervin's recaps but: I'd like to think that one of those people Bree munched on was a dear friend of the Doctor. Or Buffy. Hell, both Buffy AND The Doctor, neither of whom have a serious problem with complete and utter vampiric genocide.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

"And I already mentioned this on Mervin's recaps but: I'd like to think that one of those people Bree munched on was a dear friend of the Doctor. Or Buffy. Hell, both Buffy AND The Doctor, neither of whom have a serious problem with complete and utter vampiric genocide."

Word. Or a friend of the Runaways. Or, perhaps, River Tam.

[cecamire.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. YES.
Now that I think about it... if we took Meyer at her word, the Cullens would be kinda like the weeping angels. They move really fast, are made of stone (supposedly)... except the Cullens are wimpy, heartless, pedophilic monsters.
Oh, and what happens if you stick a mirror in front of an angel? Or smash it while it's stone?

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

If you stick a mirror in front of one of the weeping angels, it would be stuck there forever, or at least until it starved to death or the mirror was moved. Not sure if/how/what would happen if you smashed it.

[slozar.livejournal.com]

Pretty sure it would renevate its stone look at some point. In the big two part angel episode the worn down ones return to their original shape after soaking up some power.

[white-wolf03.livejournal.com]

My god... I wonder what Meyer herself thinks of humans.

It gets even worse when you think about it. They were on a commuter ferry so there was almost certainly children on board. Probably babies too.

In another note, what does Bree mean by "watching the same mistakes over and over again"? I mean, is Meyer implying that Bree actually knows self-defense and thus, is able to pick out mistakes?

Which also makes no sense because she doesn't remember things from her human life.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I have a theory that Meyer has some sociopathic issues or something, like she somehow can't connect to people. That might explain why she so cheerfully jokes about telling her husband that she'd leave him for Edward or Jacob.

I think Meyer was implying that the other newborns were continually screwing up and that Bree was So Much Better since they're a bunch of sheep or...something. I don't know. That is literally all we're told about the training and you're right, Bree wouldn't know any fighting. I don't even think she knew any in her human life.

Of course, this is just a repeat of Eclipse, when Jasper - the vampire who fought in the damned Civil War - basically gives training by telling everyone "run in from the sides, they won't expect that".

[white-wolf03.livejournal.com]

"Yes, run in from the sides! It's not like they have super-senses that the humans in the civil war lacked!"

Seriously though, I'd hate to be Meyer's husband. It must be hard on him, undoubtfully being compared to Meyer's "perfect" boyfriends all the time.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I'd find the fighting advice more interesting if the vampires had some sort of issues, like their attention is drawn more easily to movement directly in the front than the sides. Thus, running in sideways would be more advantageous. But no, he pretty much is like "Be unexpected, good luck!"

According to Meyer, he just laughs it off. The poor guy must just have come to terms with his crazy wife and decided hey, she's bringing in a ton of money now.

[madamchaos.livejournal.com]

Bree sniffs the shirt and we get a lot of bull about how sweet it is and how she would just love to nom on Bella. Yes, she's actively fantasizing, with no regret, about how she'd like to drink the blood of some random girl she's never met and knows nothing about.

But her blood smells like freeeeesia, how could you not want to eat her?!

Goood has anything happened yet? I gotta say that the worst kind of bad writing is the kind where nothing happens for ages. It's not even entertaining from a stupid standpoint, where Mary Sue gets to save the day and make the Dark Lord repent and still have time to get prepped for a fancy party where she's the belle (no pun intended) of the ball. It's stupid and unrealistic and makes me want to strangle roosters, but at last shit gets done...

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I swear, Meyer must have just gotten bored halfway through writing this and gave up. I don't even think "My Inner Life" was this boring, and that had the Mary Sue narrator go on for paragraphs about how many vases were on a side table in her living room!

[white-wolf03.livejournal.com]

But vases are preeetty :D

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

That they are. XD But the suethor for that story doesn't give any detail beyond "To the left of the door, there was a wooden sofa with pillows on it. To the right of that, there was a side table with a book on it. Up the stairs, there were four bedrooms. One was furnished. In it, there was an Edwardian bed", etc. And this was all set in the Legend of Zelda canon, mind you.

[white-wolf03.livejournal.com]

An Edwardian bed? Please tell me this isn't what I think it is.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I think it's supposed to be one of those beds with the drapes to give yourself privacy. The suethor's explanation was, and I quote, "An Edwardian Bed is a large oaken renascence style bed with a canopy above the bed with silk curtains that drape over the sides of the bed giving it a private romantic setting".

[madamchaos.livejournal.com]

What on earth is an 'oaken renascence style'?

That was pretty terrible boring too, but I guess we were at least getting a tour of a house or... or something. A terrible, grammatically incorrect, poorly spelled tour.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I believe she meant "Oaken renaissance style", like a renaissance-style piece of furniture made of oak wood. Possibly.

At least it had hilariously bad spelling errors and the like. And the author was kind enough to warn us from the gecko what would be going on. XD

[white-wolf03.livejournal.com]

Thank god!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, no, I think MIL was written several years before Meyer had her...erm inspiration. Although, truth be told, the entire thing pretty much reads like Twilight, if the author were so brain-damaged they couldn't remember basic spelling and sentence structures.

[turtlecrackers.livejournal.com]

So... How far were they from land? I mean, I'm guessing that at least someone would be waiting for one of the passengers at the terminal, and I think they would notice if the ferry didn't come in at the right time. Also, doesn't the ferry keep in contact with some kind of base, in case of emergencies such as random power-outs? Someone would know that one of the ferries just got cut off, and then disappeared.

Not to mention, aren't those ferries pretty huge with hundreds of passengers? How many people can 20 vampires kill before they're full and are just killing for fun before anyone notices? ... and did Jen just do the butterfly swim around the boat, pouncing on people trying to escape? XD; Because I think the water would have been full of people trying to get away from the boat, so she must have been busy.

I really like your recap-, and sporking-style. =] It's very to the point and still entertaining.
XD I also realize that I'm probably comment spamming you, since I'm reading all the older sporkings pretty much in one go. I'm sorry. I'll stop if it's annoying.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I'd also imagine that the ferries would have lights on them, so it would be noticeable if the power all just went out. Plus, wouldn't people scream?

But that's Meyer for you. She dumbed down the entire human race to make her creations look better and knows nothing of technology. XD

Aw, thanks! :) And don't worry about it, I don't mind. ^_^

[turtlecrackers.livejournal.com]

Yes, they definitely would. Not to mention backup lights in case the power goes out.

Oh yes, my bad. XD I was applying Earth logic. I'm sorry.

Oh good. =D

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

You know, I can live with a villain protagonist. There is a trope dedicated to that. Dexter, Interview with the vampire and Deathnote are some of the series where the main character is a serial killer. My problem is Meyer doesn't know this is suppoused to be a villain protagonist novel so we don't get an interesting story, redeeming qualities and we get lots of villain glorying without somebody to deflate her. That's not how it works! Zim tries to destroy humanity each week and I love that series because I'll be damned if it isn't funny watching Zim fail in every level. XD

On a note I don't remember being mentioned in your spork, is it me or is vampire clapping stupid? They just hiss instead of clapping because they are so badass. XD I can't imagine them being cool doing that.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I agree, but yeah, the problem is that Meyer didn't seem to intend to write her that way. It's like Miss Holly Potter - ideally she could be a slant on Harry Potter where the main character really does have Slytherin tendencies, except we're supposed to see her as a good person justified in all she does.

Ah yes, I missed that. My brain was a bit saturated by fail by that point. ^^; And yeah, sounds like a wannabe gangstah thing. XD

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

It sounded like kids playing pretend. What is wrong with normal cclapping? I just can't picture that as cool.

[jack-rowen.livejournal.com]

Hello! I found your journal while looking for reviews that noticed the racial and ghetto stereotypes that popped out at me from this novella. I swear, my eyes jumped forward like six feet they were so damn blunt.

I was surprised that you were the only person I found who seemed to notice. All other reviews I've read don't point it out.

I love Twilight for what it is. Ridiculous harlequin teen romance. I don't pretend it's something deeper, it's really not.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Thanks! But have you read das_mervin's review of this novella? She actually pointed it out before I got there. ^^; But yeah, it's so blatant, you'd think most people would notice. O_o

I have a bit of a love/hate with Twilight. I love it if I can rift on it. If I'm with people who insist that it's some deep, meaningful thing, I hate. A lot. XD

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you should check her out. She's sporked all of the first book and this novella and is going through the second. Her sister, Mrs. Hyde, has sporked Midnight Sun. They both make some great points about the suckage. XD

I did see Eclipse. Surprisingly, there were a few things I liked, specifically that they removed the "Alice-kidnapped-Bella" bit and the Quil/Claire imprinting. Of course, it still was silly. My friend and I just sat in the back of the theater and made snarky comments the entire time. XD And now we can't wait to do the same for Breaking Dawn.

Where's this review of yours, incidentally? Sounds interesting.

[jack-rowen.livejournal.com]

It's on my journal. And Movie_Buffs.


I think what irritated me the most throughout the movie wasn't the story but the hipster/indie music shit that came on during certain scenes. Every band sounded the same.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

And I think that was the sort of music that Meyer listened to when she wrote the series. O_o Interesting.

[jack-rowen.livejournal.com]

Das_Mervin?, I'll have to pull up her journal. Have you seen Eclipse yet? I didn't like it as much as I thought I would. If you want you can check out my play-by-play review I put up for those who don't want to pay to see it. XD


And yeah, that's pretty much why I don't really associate with Fan communities on LJ. My perspective on the series would not be welcome. lol