The Legend Of Rah And The Muggles: Chapter One - The House Of Sheridan

[zelda_queen]

ZeldaQueen: Woot, from nuclear holocausts to fairy tales, here we go!

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter One: The House Of Sheridan

ZeldaQueen: Well, Stouffer launches us right into the action by introducing us to one Lady Catherine, nicknamed "Cat" since childhood (no, we're never told why), and how she and all of the servants and their families are preparing to escape from the "palatial estate" they all live it. It seems that they live in the nation that the introduction mentioned was going to war (not Auro, the unnamed one) and the enemy is right at the door, breaking in. Fortunately, Lady Catherine, her nursemaid Gwenie, and loyal butler Walter Randolph Winfred Cherrington (no really, that's his name) all know that there are secret rooms and passages beneath the castle (which for whatever reason is named Le maison d'or or "the house of gold") and have stocked everything accordingly for everyone in the castle to hide there. Unfortunately, Stouffer sees fit to interrupt telling the story to gush over these characters, who we know and care nothing about.

It seems that Lady Catherine is a member of the "Royal Family", specifically of the titular "House of Sheridan" and that her parents died of influenza when she was three. The servants all raised her and mostly inherited their own positions and we get a lot of sappy talk about how she sees them as family and loves them and is doing all she can to help them out. Think about Bella describing the Cullens, only with no mention of Adonis. She also is apparently heavily pregnant with twins (no mention of how they know that) and her husband, Sir Geophrey Luttrell, is off fighting in the war.

Gwenie was Cat's nanny and of course "wore her age extremely well" because of course these people are Good and are therefore Beautiful. She also has a daughter named Kathleen who is eighteen works as a maid on the first floor, but she's only mentioned once and I have no idea why she's even named.

Walter, meanwhile, is only four years older than Cat with "youthful chiseled features, dark peppered-gray hair, and piercing blue-gray eyes", as well as a "soft deep voice", and "impeccable taste and manners" that come "naturally" to him. Hooo boy. We get some "subtle" foreshadowing as Stouffer tells us that Lady Catherine always wondered why he never fell in love with any lady before. Uh huh.

We then get a lot of boring talk about how they had all gone ahead and mapped out the secret rooms and passages as well as stocked the place with food and had Walter and Charlie the Unicorn groundskeeper lock up the windows and doors. Because I'm sure that'll keep out an angry mob.

Walter heads on up to Lady Catherine's room and along the way he has a completely random flashback to his childhood in the castle, when he and Cat played together. I'm sure this is Stouffer trying to make this all seem tragic or make Walter feel likable or establish an emotional connection between him and Cat, but we literally just met them! How are we supposed to care about them with the tiniest amount of characterization possible? Anyway, he goes to Lady Catherine's room and goes on some more about how strong and brave she is for mapping out the passageways while pregnant, and then he enters the room and finds her lying on the bed, sobbing "uncontrollably". And his first thought is how she looks so beautiful and vulnerable she looks. No, I'm not making that up. He starts stroking her hair and asking what's wrong and dang if this doesn't feel like the start of a bad rape is love fanfiction. She just keeps crying and doesn't say anything, so he scoots over next to her, cuddles up alongside, and asks her again what's wrong. This time, she stares into his eyes and gives him a letter, which says that her husband died in the war. Oh no! A character we never met and never cared for died! Whatever shall we do?

Walter immediately goes into Dramatic Grief Mode himself and remembers how Cat's husband had ordered him to look after her. He decides that he continue on watching over her. Uh huh, so that's what they're calling it these days? The two go on grieving until they fall asleep, only for Lady Catherine to wake up screaming in the middle of the night because she just went into labor. My, that's quick. Gwenie comes running and sees that there's no time to get a midwife, but fortunately Cat's personal maid Audrey has had two children and delivered several others and is able to take care of it. Hooray for pointless tension! The twins are born and Walter and Catherine are sappy together, blah blah blah, I don't care.

Well time passes and everyone in the castle knows that they'll be needing to dash for the passageways soon. Instead of getting the heck out of dodge though, they decide to hold a feast together and wouldn't you know it, Cat calls for Walter to sit at her side. Stouffer is so subtle with this all, I think I can hear the anvils falling. And we also get a lot more junk about how the servants all love Lady Catherine just so much and how they have everything they do because of her and how much they owe her and this is just boring!

At nine, Lady Catherine puts her babies to bed and has Walter meet her in the Great Room. I can only assume that this is the "receiving room" that Stouffer mentioned in the lawsuit, when naming similarities between this and Harry Potter. Unlike the Great Hall though, this room is full of musical instruments. The two enter, arms interlinked, as they wink at each other and smile and giggle. They also have some "witty" banter in which Catherine says that Walter is handsome and wicked and he replies "Either way, madam, I win, and that is what is important to a man at a time like this". By "time like this", I can only assume he means "being laid under siege with the threat of death looming over". She calls him a "handsome devil". Keep in mind that Lady Catherine's husband died not so long ago, which they both wept their eyes out over.

Everyone gathers in the room and the servants randomly start gravitating towards the various instruments and start playing Pachelbel, Canon D, which I guess exists in this world. Sure, why not? Cat and Walter of course start dancing and other servants join in and we get a whole load of bull about the two staring into each others eyes and whispering in "a poor attempt at Shakespearean delivery" how the other is so wicked. Oy...

Well this scene is interrupted when bombs start to drop. No, literally. Everyone starts panicking and racing for the secret passages and there's some "tense" stuff where Gwenie is trying to get the babies and Catherine shouts for Walter to get inside and I really don't feel any sympathy for those idiots. They knew they were going to be under attack soon, would it have killed them to, you know, stay near the entrance to the secret rooms?

Well, everyone is safe and Lady Catherine starts boo-hooing and clinging to Walter and sobbing about what will become of them all and if her babies will survive and I honestly don't care, thank God the chapter's nearly over. We get some stuff about how Walter took care of the twins while Cat slept, however one day she asks to be alone with them all day. Stouffer informs us that she "had made a decision, the most difficult decision she had ever made or would ever have to make" - she was going to put her babies on a raft and send them adrift to sea. Because that's never been done before in literature. Nope. Apparently Cat is expecting more nuclear bombs to drop and knew what the radiation would do to the twins. Turn them into Muggles, it would seem. For serious though, I don't know what range the radiation from a nuclear bomb would have, but I find it hard to believe that a raft adrift at sea with no steering or motor power would get to any safe distance, especially since the bombs are apparently going to be dropping any day. Well, whatever! We get some stuff about her finding the Convenient Water Route from the secret passages and Stouffer attempts to be poetic by talking about how some thorn bushes growing along the way bloody her hands and the blood runs out into the water when she puts the babies on the raft. We then literally get a checklist of her emotions, specifically that she's angry her husband died (yes, how dare he?), terrified for the lives of her children, and sad because she suspects she's falling in love with Walter and doesn't think she'll have very long to be with him. "Suspects"? If she honestly isn't certain, from all of the hints she's been dropping, she's either a horrible flirt or a complete idiot. Or both.

Anyway, she puts the babies on a raft and also puts a box of jewels and a note from her with them. Oh, and apparently the raft is covered with lily pads. Just because, I guess. She then covers them with a silk quilt (which is strangely missing in the illustration), and sends them off to sea and goes running back to Walter.

I also feel it's worth mentioning that none of the people in the chapter (besides the babies) show up again. At all. Gwenie, Lady Catherine, Walter, Charlie, Audrey, and Kathleen? Hope you weren't particularly fond of any of them, because we never see them again. Either they all die miserably or live happily ever after, your call.
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Onward to: Chapter Two: The Light

Back to: Introduction

Back to: Table of Contents

Comments

[das-mervin.livejournal.com]

loyal butler Walter Randolph Winfred Cherrington

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's when she lost me.

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

loyal butler Walter Randolph Winfred Cherrington

XD Cherrington? XD

And my heavens! If this had been made by Garriger that butler would have been so gay. XD Honestly, this author is from the same school of thought than Meyer? What happened to people liking people because of time.

And how is sending two babies down to sea a good idea. It was a good idea with Moses because the mom knew the palace was near and that was where the queen bathed. While not expecting a prince, she did hoped he would be taken care off. Open sea is under the sun, no food, no water and just a tumble away from drowning without help nor a diaper change bringing nasty rashes and infections. Brilliant plan, obviously the humans will progress with her as the leader!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know, that's all I could think of! "He's gay!!!"

Well the illustration shows that the babies actually have no diapers. But keep in mind the whole terrible-to-the-babies'-health thing for the next chapter.

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

That would have been better. XD That would have been a nice plot twist.

Even without diapers, babies still shit themselves every two hours. They would have been rolling in crap by the end of the day. That doesn't sound healthy. But I bet the babies are fine, because what I just said sounds just too darn logical and too hard to really think about.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

It would have, if he would have been in for more than one chapter. We'll never see him again though, so I guess we can pretend he still was gay and just pretending to like her. XD

Um, yeah. Keep in mind that the author thinks that radiation is purple and can block the sun but not the moonlight. Really.

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

I'm all for that. XD It would amuse me more than having them together.

XD You fail at science forever, indeed. And the more I think about it the more I see sending children out to see a bad idea. That amount of sun without cover can create scabs, plus salt water ruins the skin, They will feel itchy and bothered. Their eyes bloodshot and headaches are bound to happen.

What sort of destination she had in mind for the kids? What are the direction of the waters with that direction? What was the point of that? Again, Moises story had his mother do this to him, but she had a direction in mind, with a person in mind, and it was a short trip with a cover from the sun. It wasn't perfect, but it was better prepared.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Hmm, as an answer to your questions, nothing, no idea, and none. Well, the point's to keep them safe, because apparently sending two infants on a raft with no protection or food is better than keeping them under a castle and *possibly* suffering radiation poisoning.

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

If I owned this book, this would be the first time I would bang it against the table 3 times before sticking my head in shouting "Stop being stupid" I just can't get over of how stupid it is to send two babies alone.

I think the mom just wanted to get rid of them to boink the butler freely. She sure got over her hubbie fast.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Probably. That's one of the big things people have commented on for the plot - how quickly Cat started laying it on the butler. One person theorized that it was panic romance, like wanting to get down one last time before the bombing, but they also pointed out that it was hardly appropriate to put something like that in a kid's book.

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

Especially at the price of her kids. And of all the ways...! What made that option any safer than what they had now?

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Presumably what they had was going to be blown up with nuclear bombs. Because of course a raft on the ocean can out-drift radiation in a day or so. *gonk!* >_

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

So let me get this straight. This lady's rich enough to have a golden house, but not enough to spring for a proper boat to carry her spawn to safety.

The phrase "more money than sense" comes to mind.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Well I guess the idea is that it's war time and she couldn't get a boat at short notice. Still is pretty poor planning though.

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

True. Actually I meant that, being so stupidly rich and living near the water, one would assume she already had a boat that she whould have used to amuse herself in a happier situation.

Good Lord, this is a terrible book. I would have thrown it down in disgust when I was five, and I wasn't the pickiest reader back then xP

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Oh, I see what you mean! Considering how the Introduction establishes that the "haves" used their cruise ships previously used for "luxurious vacations", yeah, that makes no sense.

Ha ha, just wait until we get further in! Things REALLY get stupid with the Muggles!

[kawaiicow.livejournal.com]

Hang on, you mentioned that there was an army or a mob at the castle trying to break in. Then, nuclear bombs fall. Presumeably on the army outside. The army that is on the same side as the people who are dropping the bombs(?).
...
I have no idea what is going on.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

From what I can tell, they are in the midst of a war which is why Lady Catherine suspects that bombs will fall. Why she wasn't worried about that earlier, I honestly can't say.

[slozar.livejournal.com]

So good to see they let Sarge from Red vs Blue head their war efforts.

[(Anonymous)]

I think they were trying to imply that the faction dropping the bombs was a third party, but it's not really made clear.

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

If we never hear from them again, then what was the point of Walter and Catherine's budding romance? So, her husband died, clearing the way for Walter to romance her, but then we never get to see what becomes of it.

And good grief, Lady Catherine seems to suffer from the same convenient short-term memory loss that Bella Swan does. "My husband just died? Oh, well, I've got a new, cute man to cheer me up. Oh, we're in danger? Now I'll remember my poor, dead husband. Walter's with me again? Ah, forget my husband!"

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what the point of any of this is. It's honestly reminding me of My Inner Life, in that Stouffer seems to know the cliche elements of fairy tales, but instead of making them genuinely interesting or unique she just goes through shallow motions of them. There's no reason. XP

[(Anonymous)]

*sniff* Kathleen was such an interesting, well defined character. I'm going to miss her.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know, right? The way she was almost but not quite named like Lady Catherine, and the way she maided the house? Just none other like her.

[slozar.livejournal.com]

Remember that time she did that thing? That was awesome. Thought those tiger cubs were goners, and then SWOOSH Kathleen time!

I said it before, and I'll say it again.

[sttq.livejournal.com]

This ain't stuff that kids would care about. Why in blazes would they be interested in some dope (Walter Randolph Winfred Cherrington, Jesus Christ) with a chiseled mug and 'impeccable taste and manners' getting it on with a gushy, whiny chick? And how are they supposed to understand what 'Shakespearean delivery' is? As you say, oy...

And that whole putting the babies on a raft thing is one cataclysmically stupid idea. Theoretically, wouldn't they have been a lot safer with a group of adults (yes, I know these people are total dimbulbs, but this is all theoretical anyway) who could presumably provide them with food, shelter and protection?

Lovely message for children, too. Hey kids, when you grow up and the person you love dies, take advantage of the opportunity to get lucky with the next good-looking person you see asap! That's what well-bred (i.e. upper-class) people do! *grinds her teeth*

Weird thing, though. If I interpret that particular Bible verse correctly, Moses wasn't actually set adrift on the Nile. Here, look:

1 And there went a man of the house of Levi, and took to wife a daughter of Levi. 2 And the woman conceived, and bare a son: and when she saw him that he was a goodly child, she hid him three months. 3 And when she could not longer hide him, she took for him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime and with pitch, and put the child therein; and she laid it in the flags by the river's brink. 4 And his sister stood afar off, to wit what would be done to him.

'Flags' here meaning 'reeds' or 'papyrus'. The last two verses indicate that Moses wasn't going anywhere. Mind you, I completely agree with you. Moses' mother knew what she was doing, and the baby was by no means supposed to stay there long. Also, his mother really had no other choice, whereas Kitty Kat had, but was just too stupid (or addicted to dwama) to see it. Bleh.

Re: I said it before, and I'll say it again.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what Stouffer had in mind there. I...guess she might have thought that it would appeal to the adults reading it to their kids, much like how The Road to El Dorado had stuff to amuse the adults as well as the children. The only thing is, the "grown up" stuff is so badly written, I find it impossible to believe that anyone of any age would like it.

Huh, I see what you mean about Moses. Still, as Shaolina pointed out, it was a river right next to the Pharaoh's palace and not the wide ocean. And you're right, it's an incredibly stupid set-up. If radiation was such a concern (which apparently it is, as it happened before), why not just plan ahead and build a bunch of boats for EVERYONE to sail away in, with food and water and so on?

Re: I said it before, and I'll say it again.

[sttq.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've seen The Road to El Dorado, and I agree. Thing is, it was handled a lot better, there.
*snubs* Roald Dahl would never have made such a mistake.

Precisely! However, I suppose we really can't blame Kitty Kat and the rest. Their collective braincell was severely overloaded, what with wangsting and dancing and gushing 'n stuff. It's well nigh a miracle that KK was able to dredge up that (incorrect) cliché when she did.

(Mind, I'm still all for slapping the whole bunch silly.)

[often-partisan.livejournal.com]

"Walter Randolph Winfred Cherrington"

Sounds like the sort of name someone would give to a Played for Laughs Quintessential British Gentleman/Upper Class Twit character. As a serious character? Not so much.

"We get some "subtle" foreshadowing as Stouffer tells us that Lady Catherine always wondered why he never fell in love with any lady before. Uh huh."

Queer! That was my first thought too :)