Breaking Dawn: Final Assessment

[zelda_queen]

ZeldaQueen: Howdy folks, here's where I post my final musings on Breaking Dawn. Enjoy!

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Bella

I guess you could argue that Bella was a little more assertive and less submissive in this book than the others, but that’s kind of like arguing that being blown up is slightly less painful than ritual seppuku. Not to mention that it’s a case of too little, too late. If Bella had starting to stand up for herself a little more in the second book and gone from there, it’d have been more impressive. As it was, we only get two thirds of this book to get anything.

There’s also the fact that Bella is mostly only able to be strong and brave when she’s a vampire - meaning that as a human she was unable to be those things? I know Meyer hand waves the fighting thing as a product of high standards, that of course being surrounded by werewolves and vampires would leave Bella looking weaker and less able to keep up. Except that I never got the impression that Bella could take care of herself or be particularly strong amongst regular humans. So what’s the excuse for that? It’s just another case of human hate, that humans are weak and shallow and incapable of even trying to defend themselves against the supernatural or compete with their beauty or love or knowledge. And that’s another thing: Bella never speaks out against it. The perks of humanity vs. supernatural has been a strong theme in fantasy and science fiction and horror for some time, I know, and if we got that I’d be fine (one of my favorite manga lives by the theme that “ARMS will never defeat humans!”). But we are never shown at all in this book that there is any reason that humanity is preferable to being a vampire. Bella is told that she will have to deal with continuous bloodlust, but has none. She is able to hold back the temptations to eat her dad and the hiker and Jenks. She is self-controlled enough to impress the Cullens. We are only briefly told about her feeling any thirst at all, and then it’s dropped entirely. Compare this to the party in New Moon and how Edward spends the series crying about how he constantly wants to eat people, by the way, and this gets even more ridiculous. Bella is warned that she’ll never have children as a vampire. No problem, not only did she not want any originally but she still gets Renesmee (who I shall talk about more later on). Bella can’t eat human food? Who cares! Bella can’t see her family anymore? She is able to keep ties with Charlie anyway and leaves her mother up the river with no problems. Not only that, but Bella also gets a power that even scares the Volturi and impressive reflexes and speed and strength. So what’s the downside? What was there supposed to be that made her at all regret her decision?

    All that aside though, Meyer still sees fit to shoehorn in scenes of Bella still being a whiny little kid who acts like a puppy towards Edward. She literally begs for sex on their honeymoon while being treated like a silly child. We hear that she is all upset and crying because mean old Leah has the gall to call her out on her past behavior towards Jacob. She knows or at least strongly suspects that Edward is breaking her things and monitoring all of her behavior and making under-the-table deals about her, but she all but ignores it - including the one where he agreed to let Jacob sleep with her if she got an abortion. She never calls Edward out on any of this, never shows any signs of anger or frustration over this, and never gives any indication of putting it all together or even remembering it later. For all it plays into her actions, I have no idea why Meyer sees fit to include any of these revelations. I guess it’s supposed to be that Bella thinks Edward’s being sweet and protective, but he’s not. Any sane woman (that being the key phrase here) would realize that, to paraphrase Mrs. Marcellus, “It’s one thing for a man to be protective of his wife. It’s another thing to spy on her odometer, break her truck, and offer her to other men for sex”.

    Then there’s the entire pregnancy thing, which was seriously sped through and really felt unrealistic. I mean, I’m not saying it’s impossible, but Bella is extremely adamant that she doesn’t want children, insists that she thinks babies are a pain and never wanted any, believes that it’s physically impossible to have any with Edward anyway, and then finds out that she’s apparently several months pregnant after a few days…and her first thought is of how much she loves the fetus and wants a baby that’s pretty like Edward. We get a few pages of shock but no second thoughts, no considerations to how it’ll change her life, nothing. Meyer seems to be unaware that the nine months are pretty important for mother/baby bonding during the pregnancy (I guess this is supposed to be more of Meyer‘s “personal experience”, since she says that she dropped the idea of going to law school and wanted to be a full-time mother after having her first child). And again, Bella never seems disturbed by the fact that she’s dying and going through her pregnancy at a really fast rate or that she’s guzzling down human blood like they’re chocolate shakes. Not a single mention of her being the seriously bothered by this. I suppose the blood-drinking thing was supposed to be some attempt at horror, but even that falls flat because it makes no sense. Like I said before, babies don’t eat the food their mother eats, they absorb the food’s nutrients through the bloodstream. The baby would only get the nutrients in blood, in which case it shouldn’t matter what Bella eats, so long as it contains the correct nutrition. I can only assume that Meyer took health and nutrient courses for when she was pregnant with her children (or at least, you know, a few health classes in school). So how can she miss something like that?

    And we get Bella as a vampire. The one thing she’s been literally begging for and whining about and trying to get for the past two books or so. But what does she do as a vampire? Throughout the entire series, she’s insisted that if she were changed, she could fight and keep up with Edward. And what does she spend most of her time doing as a vampire? Having sex.

Edward

    He has the hotness thing going for him. Allegedly. And I say “allegedly” because if it weren’t for Rob being in the movies, I’d have no way to visualize him (at least with Bella we just have to imagine Stephanie Meyer). I guess we’re just supposed to use this.




Besides that though, what does Edward have? He has the personality of cardboard. We’re told at one point that he seems to be able to do literally any and everything, which is shakily hand waved with the “doesn’t sleep” excuse (he also says he’s the most learned after Carlisle - so apparently none of the rest of his family feels the slightest inclination to use the nights to study or brush up on anything as well?)

    There’s not too much to say about Edward in this. He’s pretty much the same as in the other books: the domineering personality, the abusive behavior, the constant reiterations on how gorgeous he is, etc. Although I do believe that the abortion thing possibly is a new low for him. For God’s sake, how could Meyer think that something like that was endearing? Were we supposed to forgive it because he’s just sooooo upset at the thought of Bella dying that he’s willing to violate her body like that and remove something that she clearly loves and wants? We found out that he was willing to do it to her truck, but dang a fetus is something entirely different! And am I the only one who thinks that such reasoning shows that he cares more about his own happiness than Bella’s? If he really loved Bella and would do whatever it took to make her happy, why would he even consider something like that? If she wants to die for her baby then it might be considered rather stupid of her (please no comments on that, I’m referring to Bella alone and her…unique situation), but it’s still her decision. She’s the one carrying the baby, if she wants to have it at the risk of her own life, he ought to respect that. Now ideally, both of them would sit down and actually talk it out, but this seems impossible for these two, which is another thing I hated about this book. Still, it’s just like it is for the imprinted wolves and it’s just like das_mervin  said - these guys don’t care about their “soul mates’” happiness, they care about their own. Which leads us to…

Jacob

    Meyer deserves some sort of an award here. I’m sure it’s not easy to take a character who starts out so sweet and likeable and twist him into a smug and irritating jerk.

    Because to be honest, I hate him in this. Hate him. From start to finish. He spends his entire part of the book whining about Bella even though he knows she’s married and won’t have him. He goes around angsting and yammering about revenge on Edward and killing himself like he’s some sort of Romeo Montague knock-off. He has some very brief moments of sanity when he listens to Leah’s advice and point of view…and his immediate solution is to imprint, to force his love on a strange girl. When he sees a girl who he bonds with in just a few minutes and clearly shares interests with, he refuses to try to pursue any relationships because he’s still too hung-up on Bella.

    And then he imprints. On the daughter of the girl that he’s continually insisted was his One and Only. On the kid who he was heading off to kill not two seconds before declaring undying love for her.

    I really don’t know what all about this is the worst - that Jacob, who was supposed to be representative of choice in love, was only able to be romantically satisfied through what was essentially brainwashing? That Meyer expects us to accept this development after trudging through two books of him screaming “BEEEEEELLLLLLLLAAAAAAA!” ala Street Car Named Desire? That he was only able to be at all happy after the aforementioned brainwashing? What sort of a message is all of that? Meyer seems to be telling readers that no effort needs to be put in to get over heartbreak on one’s own, that all it takes is just looking at the right person.

    And after the imprinting, well he’s just a jerk. He pretty much takes over Bella and Edward’s roles as parents, butts in when it’s none of their business (Charlie, anyone), doesn’t do so much as stop home to visit his dad, and clearly has romantic intentions for the kid. Oh Meyer, you can dress it up however you want. You don’t fool anyone. It’s made perfectly clear that an imprinted person will eventually marry the person of their desires. With a kid, that’s called “child grooming” and is illegal.

Although I have to wonder, it says on Wikipedia that Meyer’s husband has retired from his job to take care of the children. Makes you wonder.

    On a final note, I’ll state my biggest beef with Jacob in this - he completely abandons his obligations as a wolf and protector of humanity to cater to Renesmee. He doesn’t take his job as Alpha because he’s ready to shoulder the responsibility and take up his birthright, he does it because he doesn’t want the fetus destroyed. He doesn’t protect Bella and the Cullens because he’s trying to avert conflict, he’s doing it because he’s already being drawn to the object of his imprinting. He leads Charlie to the newly-transformed Bella just because it looks like Renesmee will be taken away from him, giving no thought whatsoever to the safety of Charlie. There's no warning for Bella and Edward, no assurance that they were prepared in any capacity for this, nothing. And he smiles and shrugs it off. When the Volturi show up, he orders the wolves to stand against them not because a group of notoriously dangerous and bloodthirsty vampires are showing up in a town of unsuspecting folks, but because Renesmee’s in danger. In fact, he stands by and lets the Cullen witnesses go off to eat people because they’re there to protect Renesmee. It’s all but stated that he wouldn’t put up with letting people die otherwise. And no one ever calls him out on this. No one tells him that he’s being selfish or stupid. Because a wolf who’s imprinted is treated like he’s in some wonderful new world and everyone scoots around to accommodate him. No one thinks that Sam is being too mean towards Leah in regards to the Emily thing and no one seriously treats Quil’s imprinting as weird or gross. I might add that Leah’s the only one who seems to be really bothered by Jacob’s imprinting (and this is apparently only because Renesmee is half-vampire) and of course she’s the one nobody listens to. And like I said, Jacob took up an Alpha position for all of this. It’s not like he’s some average Joe who’s being stupid but not hurting anyone except himself. He’s got even more obligations and responsibilities now. He literally has the power to force his pack to do what he wants, and he’s acting in the interest of an infant that he has no relation to and no right to hang around. It’s selfish and I cannot believe anyone could condone it.

Renesmee

    I’d say I hated Renesmee too, except I sort of can’t and for one very good reason - I know virtually nothing about her. Oh we get enough to establish her as a Sue: the mental powers, the fact that everyone fawns over her, the fact that she’s so selfless and loving and intelligent. But we aren’t told anything about her, her personality, nothing. She just serves to be carried around like a doll.

    It’s been pointed out and I think it’s well worth mentioning again, that the very Sue nature of Renesmee is horrid. Meyer’s made it no secret to the entire world and especially her husband that she considers Edward her ideal man (in other words, she has no problem telling the real life guy she’s married to that she’d have no problem dumping him for an abusive nut she wrote). Now she’s gone and told the whole world exactly what she wishes she has for a child. A sparkly girl who requires absolutely no care, not even a full nine months of pregnancy. And it’s not even like she has no kids of her own and is just showing one more bit of wish fulfillment, oh no. Meyer has three sons. I feel bad for the poor guys myself, they’ve got to grow up knowing that there mother wanted a kid who taught itself everything within weeks of birth.

    We get a few tiny interesting bits with Renesmee. Like I said, her budding friendship with Zafrina was kind of interesting, as was her interest in the Romanians. But we get virtually nothing on any of that. I’m sure people would say “oh, she’s only a baby” to hand wave the lack of personality, except that she’s not. She grows up super-fast, she has complete awareness from birth, and everyone treats her as having the intellect of an adult (so apparently Meyer wants a baby that‘s not a baby?). I find it impossible to see her as a baby and thus hold her to adult expectations in those regards. On the other hand, Meyer can’t be bothered to give Bella and Edward personalities, so I guess there was never any hope for their daughter.

    I’ve already said about how Renesmee’s super-fast learning doesn’t make much sense, but I’ll repeat it here. Meyer seems to think that when a child biologically reaches a certain age, they suddenly learn how to do something like walking or reading. Except that it’s not the age their body’s at, there’s also the fact that the child has spent that time watching and listening to learn. Renesmee has about a week to observe people walking and reading. There’s also the fact that she does it all perfectly, first time around. I don’t care how smart she is, people still stumble the first time they try things.

    So in all for Renesmee? There’s nothing there. She’s just like a pretty doll to be shown off and carried around. She is perfectly well behaved (going out of her way in the womb to avoid causing Bella discomfort), doesn’t need diaper changes, doesn’t need to be taught anything, doesn’t need time-outs, doesn’t get cranky when she’s sleepy, and sleeps through the night within days of birth. And for those of you who thinks “that sounds great” then consider, what exactly is it that causes parents to bond with their children? Isn’t it the trials and tribulations of parenting that makes one really appreciate it and make the child’s love mean something? After all, how hard is it to love something that’s perfect? If I takes more effort to love a child that makes love difficult, isn’t that a more tested love?

Other Characters

    I shall lump them all together because it’s not worth splitting them up.

    Bella’s friends? They get a chapter before going “bye-bye”. Apparently none of them cared enough about her to give a call or write after leaving for college. And they also all seem to have been completely uninterested in finding out about Bella’s new life as a Cullen or the “tropical disease” she catches, both of which were undoubtedly well known in a town written to be extremely small and gossipy. This is all odd when you consider that Bella’s “friends” spent most of the series chewing on whatever news about her or Edward that they could find. Also, the treatment of Mike at the wedding was just cruel. Edward, you got Bella. You married her. Throwing her garter belt at Mike’s face isn’t endearing in the least, bucko.

    The wolves? Most of them are dropped like hot coals too. We keep Seth and Leah who are probably the only two actually worth reading about (I am thanking the stars that Sam and his God-awful obsession with Emily was left alone more or less). Even then, Meyer piddles all over Seth’s character by having him join in the bashing of his sister. Keep in mind that his sister spent all of their time on patrol worrying about him and keeping him safe and being mocked by every other wolf. And he tells her, apparently completely serious, that “no one wants [her] here”. As for Leah though, I still believe that she is the only sane person in this entire series. She’s certainly the only one who reacts the most healthily and realistically to her heartbreak and is the most responsible and determined. The fact that she’s treated as a total pariah and hated on by most everyone in this series speaks volumes about Meyer. Still, I’m glad that the author saw fit to get her away from Sam and start on a much better life. Even if Leah’s ending is considered subpar by Meyer, I (and I know I’m not alone here) am totally convinced that it’s a million times better than Jacob’s or Bella and Edward’s and I’m glad for her.

    The Cullens? Hit or miss. I still kind of like Carlisle, though I was annoyed that he was also in on the “drug Bella for the abortion” plot. Seriously, he’s a doctor. Doesn’t that kind of go against the Hippocratic Oath? Of Esme, there wasn’t really very much worth noting, besides the fact that she was just a way to keep Carlisle from going on with said abortion (because of course a man can’t do anything if their wife disapproves - dream on, Meyer). Jasper seems to pretty much serve as a way to extol Bella’s Sue-per self control as a vampire. Alice is still freaking annoying as heck and I gave up long, long ago trying to figure out how her powers work. Emmett was also very cool and refreshingly logical but hardly made any appearances, especially when he started to use that common sense (why is it that as soon as any of these characters start to be logical, Meyer puts them on a bus?)

    J. Jenks? He served virtually no purpose. His subplot went nowhere. It was padding, pure and simple. Padding and just more of the dead herring to assure us that everyone would die. Oh, and providing someone else to drool over Bella’s hotness and remind us how in control of herself she is. Can’t forget that.

    The other vampires? Seriously, Meyer just love taunting us. Because they really had a lot of potential and what happened? They were pulled out of Meyer’s rear in the last third of the book, simply to fulfill a plot point. They were just cut-outs. Besides select few, almost all of them were forgettable and about half just served the purpose of being “[insert vampire here]’s mate”. Kebi, Liam, Mary and Randall, Senna and Kachiri, Peter and Charlotte (at least until Midnight Sun), all of them are bland and don’t do anything the least bit important to the plot.

    Now granted, there were several newly introduced vampires that had some potential. Like I said, the Kate and Garrett romance was kind of nice in the sexy way Bella and Edward never got, but again it was shoved into a couple of chapters. How are we supposed to believe that? Did Meyer never hear of the concept “strangled by the red string”? I also kind of liked Siobhan and Zafrina, but it’s the same with them - we don’t get enough time to get to know them or really care for them. Meyer doesn’t seem aware of the fact that if the readers don’t care about the characters, they won’t care if they die or not (hence why people don’t care when faceless mooks are mowed down in movies, but then feel bad when the actual protagonist dies). The massive gathering of allies in Deathly Hallows, for example, worked because the readers had been given six other books to bond with all of the characters. If Rowling had brought them all in for the end of the seventh book, no one would care about them.

    And again, I bring up poor Irina and how disgusted I am that her death is all but ignored after the confrontation is over. Couldn’t anyone except for her sisters be bothered to remember and feel bad for the death of the only person who gave their life for the stupid Death Baby? On a slightly off topic note here, I’ve noticed that the three women who were single and described as being antagonistic to some degree - Leah, Sue, and Irina - were all single because their men left them. Sam imprinted, Harry died, and Laurent went off and was killed. If we believe that Meyer is making a statement about how single people are nasty and bitter and they are the ones to blame for it (which is kind of hard to miss), then what is she supposed to be saying there? That it’s the woman’s fault that she’s single if the guy is dead or leaves through a violation of free will? That if those women had just had stronger love then Sam wouldn’t have imprinted, Harry wouldn’t have had a heart attack, and Laurent wouldn’t have left and been eaten by wolves?

    I’ll leave you all to draw your own conclusions.

    Finally, our antagonists, the Volturi. What in the seven hells was Meyer trying to do with these folks? They are just inconsistent. I’m sure she was trying to make it like some tricksy group that appears to be working for the greater good but is really operating under sinister intentions, but that falls flat because in previous books they were clearly already feared and avoided like the plague! I almost get the feeling that when Meyer decided to use them as the antagonists at the end, she felt she had to do something to make them more interesting and just pulled that all out of her butt. The contradictions are also all over the place. First we are told by Edward that Eleazar left at his own free will and that the Volturi didn’t force anyone to stay. But then we’re told by Edward that Aro has a vampire named Chelsea brainwash people into being loyal to the cause and it’s stated that Elezar was only able to resist and leave because he was in true love - in other words, the Volturi were trying to brainwash him and thus he wasn’t allowed to leave when he wanted. And this is all treated like common knowledge and not some strange revelation. das_mervin  again made a point that was very good on the screwy characterization of the Volturi - by Meyer's backstory, Aro was perfectly willing to kill his own sister to keep Marcus around (Marcus who is blessed with the sucky power to "sense relationships", woot). Yet here, we see that Aro is fine with letting Eleazar walk away once he meets Carmen and is free of brainwashing, Eleazar with the quite useful power to sense what powers other vampires or humans have. So...why didn't he have Carmen killed to keep Eleazar around? There is no answer to this, though I suspect this answers why the logical people disappear in this series - they start to notice all of the gaping plot holes and leave in disgust.

    Also, the Catholic bashing is just rude. I’m not even Catholic and I’m kind of amazed at how blatant and nasty it is. Seriously Meyer, you suck at subtlety. You’d better not be sitting there thinking about how clever you were with that analogy. Because I’m sure a fifth grader could figure it out. They are clever buggers, those fifth graders.

The Plot

    It sucked. Plain and simple. But that’s too easy to leave it at, so let’s have some more detail, shall we?

    The biggest problem is probably the central conflict, or rather the lack thereof. In previous books, at least there was one main issue that went throughout. Twilight had Bella and Edward’s…erm “romance”, New Moon had Edward’s departure, and Eclipse had Victoria trying to kill Bella. In this, conflicts are just pulled out of the air and resolved quickly. The wolves want to kill Bella? Jacob breaks free and protects her with Leah and Seth. Jacob can’t get over Bella? Have him imprint on her daughter. Bella is dying in childbirth? Turn her into a vampire. Bella is preparing for insane bloodlust? No problem. The Volturi are coming to kill everyone? Stop them with a deus ex machina. Evidently Meyer couldn’t just pick one conflict and stick with it.

    There’s also the usual mess of contrivances and idiocy that makes the conflicts happen to begin with. If Irina was so tight with the Cullens, why didn’t she at least ask them what was up with Renesmee? Why didn’t she ask her sisters for advice before going to the highest law in the vampire land? Why couldn’t Alice have left Bella with more advice? How did Alice’s powers allow her to see all of that stuff if Jacob and Renesmee were tied up in it? There’s also the inconsistencies with Bella’s mind-powers and the raping of Brazilian mythology (I swear, every time Meyer used the word “liboshomen” my eyes were twitching). Seriously Meyer, Google exists. It’snotthathard.

    Finally, there were entire stretches of time when nothing happened. Jacob’s part of the book was just one long “go inside, go outside, whine a lot” and I seriously felt like my skin was being scraped the entire time. Bella’s parts were equally grating, but at least were familiar. I mean, I know that there are a lot of people who want this book to be made into two movies because it all can't be fit into one, but what the heck will they put into two entire movies? Take away the endless mental prose and how much is left?

 

    There’s also the usual issue of dead herrings, which has Meyer constantly insisting that something won’t be happening and then making it happen. Apparently she doesn’t know that such a technique is usually reserved for comedies and not Epic Romances. It’s just bad writing though, especially for how she used it to make the climax. Yes, I know she wanted a battle of the wits, except that it was all over the place. It made no sense. The Volturi kept passing up excuses despite the fact that they weren’t supposed to even be listening to evidence at all! We were all but promised a huge battle and it was shaping up to be the only action that there would be after about five or six chapters of preparation. Not only that, but what the heck? All we’ve been told this entire series is how Bella could fight her own battles, if only she were a vampire. Well now she’s a vampire. This would have been the perfect opportunity for Meyer to dispel those arguments about Bella being anti-feminist. Have the battle and let Bella kick butt and play superwoman. But no, she just sits there! I know that strength can come from different sources, but give me a break! She just leveled the playing field and never even got her nails dirty. Heck, Meyer could have used the battle as a way to show Bella’s love for Renesmee - what better way to show a mother’s love than for her to go out and fight off more experienced and powerful vampires so that her baby could be safe? Thank you Meyer. You successfully managed to drain the one possible source of entertainment and explanation from this thing like water from a bog.

All In All?

    Breaking Dawn has terrible characters, a terrible plot, and suffers the mortal book sin of being incredibly boring. If you must read it, take it out of the library or something. Don’t bother buying the stupid thing.

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ZeldaQueen: And with that, I wash my hands of Breaking Dawn. I might go and spork some of Meyer's FAQ quotes, but it's not a certainty. As of now, I've prepared to begin my next sporking... *drum roll*

My Inner Life, aka the My Immortal of The Legend of Zelda fandom. Possibly one of the worst wish-fulfillment Sues in existence, extensive canon raping, and terrible grammar and sentence structures - what's not to love? I might add that two of the three sex scenes are still open for sporking and I'd really be grateful if anyone could help me out and spork them. Especially the first. I honestly can't even stand to listen to it being read.

On a final, off-topic note, Pittsburgh is finally having it's annual anime convention, Tekkoshocon! If there are any viewers in or near the Pittsburgh region who are attending, perhaps we might meet?

Back to: Breaking Dawn: Acknowledgments

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Comments

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

The first scene isn't taken, right? I can do that one. (..."[G]ushed down his muscular legs"...)

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Go right ahead, and thank you so much! :D *is profoundly grateful*

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Here you go.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! XD

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Oh, and Happy Easter!

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

By the way, did you know that she copy-pasted a good deal of an oral sex scene? Er, not that I'm sure you'd WANT to know, but I noticed when I was considering sporking the anniversary sex scene:

First time sex scene

I went down and slowly took the head of his member into my mouth, teasing it with my tongue. As I teased the head soft moans passed Link's lips. Then slowly I moved to his shaft, caressing it with my tongue as I licked up and down it. As I caressed his member with my lips and tongue, Link's soft moans soon turned into cries of pleasure. I felt his body quivering under my gentle hands, as his cries of ecstasy filled the room. Then Link let out a loud animal like cry as I took his member fully into my mouth. Slowly I moved up and down the shaft, dragging my tongue as I went. Little by little I upped the movement, causing Link to cry out in ecstasy as I caused waves of pure pleasure to go surging threw his body. Then I found a rhythm and his breathing became faster as I started to take him over the edge. His heart started racing, his cries filled the room. And finally when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing. Link let out a loud animal like cry as he reached his peak, releasing his essence into my mouth.

Anniversary

Slowly I took the head of his member into my mouth, teasing the tender tip with my tongue. Then slowly I moved to his shaft, caressing it with my tongue as I slowly licked up and down it. While I caressed his member with my lips and tongue, Link's soft moans soon turned into loud cries of pleasure and ecstasy. I felt his body quivering under my gentle hands as I ran one up over his body, his loud cries of ecstasy filling the room. Then Link let out a loud tiger like cry when I took his member fully into my mouth, engulfing it. Slowly I moved my lips up and down the shaft, dragging my tongue up the tender underside as I went. Little by little I begun to up the movement, causing Link to cry out in pure bliss as I caused waves of pure pleasure to go surging threw his body, the fire radiating to his lower organs. Then I found a rhythm and he started breathing faster as I started to take him over the edge. His heart started racing, his cries filled the room. And finally when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing. Link let out a loud tiger like cry as he reached his peak…"Oh…Goddesses JENNA!"….he cried releasing his essence into my mouth.



As I said, I'm not sure you'd WANT to know, but... Awfully interesting, isn't it, considering that those are supposed to be two different dreams?

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Well according to her, the dreams were continuous. So I can only conclude that Jenna Silverblade there has monotonous tastes in sexual practices.

Thanks for pointing that out though! It really does fit in with the writing style. Seriously, she repeats herself a *lot*.

[kawaiicow.livejournal.com]

Can I spork the second?

To add to your BD summary, the plot and the Volturi are all incredibly convoluted and stupid, but when you remember that New Moon and Eclipse were not supposed to exist, it suddenly makes a lot more sense. Over the 4 we have a mixture of showing and telling, if there were only two however we would have had more telling untill the Volturi showed up to confirm what had been said about them.

And for all of the studying that she's done, for her degree and the 'literature' she's managed to crap out, she still failed to include any sort of deep debate or insight into what it means to be a vampire. She just made them superheroes who happen to drink blood. Compred to Anne Rice's vampires (yes, I know, but its a guilty pleasure) or even the vampires of 'Hellsing' (a manga series based loosley on Bram Stoker's 'Dracula' following a young vampire in the service of the Hellsing organisation who protect Birtain od the 90's from vampires, Darkslover knows what I am talking about) these vampires are as bland and hollow as a cardboard box, which is made all the more laughable when you consider that these two authors made their earlier money in porn. When someone who lists their hobbies as "being obnoxious and beating off" writes a more intelligent comic than a literature student...well, you get what I'm going on about.

You know what? Its a damn shame when the reader cares more about two minor characters (one of which seems to exist to get pissed on to extoll the horrid main characters) a hell of a lot more than the main characters. I know we aren't the target audience (we don't seem to have the "good taste" of her fans) but honestly Meyer, FAIL.

All in all;
Meyer:FAIL
Zelda_Queen: WIN

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Sure! I'll PM it to you.

You're right on the Forever Dawn thing. And it's like was said before, for all the expansion that was supposed to be going on when Forever Dawn was turned into the three books, *nothing really changed*.

I could probably live with superheroes who drink blood, except that they don't *do* anything. They're like superheroes who drink blood who just sit around and have sex and angst. If they went out and killed evil stuff or something, at least they'd be more sympathetic.

Thanks a lot! :)

Have a Happy Easter!

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

Congratulations honey on finishing this crap. My heavens, this book sucked. From the heroes to the villains, everything was horrid. You deserve cakes and ice cream for making it through. XD


As for sporking, I guess I could give it a try if I can MST part of it if not most. It's been a while though. You can email it to me so I can see if I can make fun of it properly. ^_^

(On an unrelated note: I just got PatF on DVD. Many Charlotte screen caps will be taken. Plus the deleted scenes! Yay!)

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :) Well it's over now at least. ^^; In many ways (at least until Meyer gets that novella out)

Oh it's alright. I think most of the sex scenes have been claimed. Thank you for the offer though!

DVD Hooray! :D You need to tell me about the deleted scenes! I heard that Charlotte's dog was supposed to have a subplot (which is why there was the point where Tiana discovered she could talk to the dog as a frog), but it was cut.

[shaolina.livejournal.com]

Don't remind me. I facepalmed when I learned that Bree had a lost love. Can this woman write something besides romance? How about making Bree's issue her family or friends?!

No worries. If you need help with anything you can ask me.

I will tell you all about it. XD And I was wondering about the cat and the dog. They have no point in the movie and each has pretty much a scene where they show up!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

You're right! Bree was essentially kidnapped and turned against her will into a bloodthirsty monster. Wouldn't she be missing her family and wishing she could see them again?

Aw, thanks! Should be smooth sailing with one crazy Sue though. >:)

Woot! Can't wait! :D

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Bree was essentially kidnapped and turned against her will into a bloodthirsty monster. Wouldn't she be missing her family and wishing she could see them again?/

Tch, like family means anything in this series, as you've pointed out. Did Bella miss her family and friends when she was turned into a vampire? When listing her worries about becoming a vampire, were her family and friends a top priority? No.

I bet that Meyer is going to spin Bree's story like this: "She lost her boyfriend over a misunderstanding, of course it's all her fault because she's a woman, and now she'll get killed as punishment." *eyeroll*

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

My personal guess was that Meyer would do a Peter and Charlotte set-up, in which Bree fell in love with another newborn vampire and they want to run away together, only for him to die in the battle or something. Or he dies/runs away earlier so she decides to die in battle. Or she *thinks* he's dead and goes to die in battle, only for her to find out he's still alive and thus try to survive.

[winki-pop.livejournal.com]

This book has got to be the most convuluted out of the whole series. Granted, I haven't read it (I died halfway through New Moon :P) but from what I know so far, this should never have been published. And people like this shit [i]why????[/i]

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

It was REALLY a weird book, yeah. I mean, this is the book that even most die-hard Twilight fans have excommunicated. Yeah...

[winki-pop.livejournal.com]

I feel this book was just meant to be Smeyer's own personal wank fantasy.Every plotline couldn't be more contrived, especially when everything is so conveniently tied up in the end: Look, Bella became a beautiful vampire! Rosalie redeemed herself in the eyes of the readers! Jacob didn't end up alone! Bella played Strategery with the Volturi and won! Yay!!! :P

Although I'm still halfway through reading your sporkings, I have to say thery're extremely funny so far. I've pretty mnuch agreed with everything you've said.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I know, Breaking Dawn was clearly only there to tie up loose ends. Bella becomes a vampire, the nasty girls are "fixed", the Volturi are taken down a notch (granted in the stupidest way possible), more people are paired up, and nothing happened. This honestly could have just been a really long epilogue or something.

Oh, thank you! I'm glad you like them. ^_^

[winki-pop.livejournal.com]

This book, NO, this series in general is a total kick to the balls of literature :P I can't believe it somehow resonates with people! Seriously, How

I actually had trouble following the story as I was reading your sporking. It wasn't your sporkings I couldn't follow, but the actual crap SMeyer wrote that somehow posed as a story. It was too inconsisent, too rambling, too unecessary and long-winded.

Just look at my avatar. Even Paolo is laughing at hideous Breaking Dong :P Yes, you heard what I said...

Did you hear about Summit trying to find big-name directors to direct Breaking Dawn? Are they fucking serious? Who they hell would even dare touch that steaming pile of shit?!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

They're probably doing the best they can to make money off of it. Actually, movie-wise BD has a lot of potential. A ton of fans were really annoyed they only got a lot of vague stuff for Bella and Edward's honeymoon, so they're hoping for some steamy action through Rob and Kristen.

Although to be honest, I have no idea how they're going to fix up the actual plot. The entire baby thing is just WEIRD, from beginning to end. The birthing, the growth, the imprinting...brrr!

[kitsune9tailed.livejournal.com]

Whew! Good job making it through this. Now my main question. There seem to be two main fan bases for these books, neither of them sane:

1) Tween girls who love the "safe" non-sexual romance.
2) Conservative Christian housewives (who may or may not be Mormon) who love the religious brainwashing of young girls and the sexual fantasies they can't get in their barren, boring marriages [citation needed].

How did/do these two groups react to: child-grooming/blatant pedophilia on an infant (still toddler even if you go by "mental age"), the idea of forced abortion, fountains of blood, constant nymphomaniac sex (although without any actual sex scenes to speak of), and (the worst of them all) the horrific BOREDOM of not having anything like a main plot thread?

The first group I can see the boring nothing losing them completely. Teens need something to grip their interest and there's nothing here. And don't they get icky over the sexual grooming of an infant? Or over Quill and Claire? I can see an 8-year-old thinking it's all sweet, because she just thinks of love in very platonic terms (like how they crush on their guy teachers, older brothers' friends, etc.). But a 12-year-old is very sexually aware (and even sometimes active). They should know how wrong it is to have their big brother's friend grooming them for sex.

The second group should definitely know better and the fact they excuse it makes them complicit supporters of child abuse. Plus the forced abortion stuff should drive conservative religious nuts crazy. So, how do they continue to support Ed and Jake? The wife-swapping stuff too, although I guess some of them might be into that, being biblical and all.

But you're right. The biggest sin, the most fatal sin, a book can make: BORING. How the hell does this series overcome the fact that NOTHING HAPPENS IN ANY OF THE BOOKS! The main plot of Twilight (Ed and Bella) is resolved in half the book, and the main action doesn't appear until the last third. The main point of New Moon is the ABSENCE of a plot. Eclipse is similar to Twilight, the main plot is non-existent. And Breaking Dawn has NO plot-arc to speak of, only side-plots.

The romance generates no tension in any of them. There's never any question over whether Ed and Bella will truly be together (unless the reader's an idiot, which speaks poorly for the fandom). The action is tacked on and haphazard. At no point must Bella give up anything for her goals. Since it's in first person, we know she lives (but maybe Meyer would break THAT rule too, since she breaks all the others). She's always safe, always wins easily without losing family or friends. No loss, no threat, no tension, NO FUN!

So, an easy question this time... How the hell did these books become popular? There are so many teen romances and YA vampire stories that are better written. Even a few with virginal Christian overtones for the scared, insecure tweens. I've watched a few anime series (a couple even aimed at teenage girls) with very well done high-school romantic tension (and little action to speak of). "Lovely Complex" and "Toradora", are two favorites.

So, why this dreck? All I hope is in five years, it's gone, like yesterday's fads.

These books are created with every "Do NOT do this" on the writer's list (which especially English majors should know). Seriously, she ticks off each one. Not even Paolini or Dan Brown mastered that. I love the Belgariad and the Mallorean by David Eddings. The writing is cliche, subpar, and filled with "do not do"s. But the story and characters are fun. Eddings said he wrote it as an experiment, to see if he could make a cliche, poorly written story into a best selling novel. I wonder if Meyer is secretly a genius, and was trying a similar thing. It's my only hope for the human condition...

Anyways, congratulations on a great sporking! Entertaining, even as we watched you lose your virtual sanity unto your final demise, lost in the pit of fiery hell that is Twilight. :)

Ciao!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Very, VERY well said!

The best I can figure, the appeal is wish fulfillment. It's like Cleolinda said in her post on her thoughts of the first book. You're a girl who's insecure and in a new place, you quickly fit in and have a lot of people who like you, you're able to start work in the curriculum easily, and then there's this gorgeous, rich guy! And out of a hundred years, you're the VERY FIRST girl he's wanted! And his entire family grows to love you and accept you and you get to eventually be beautiful as well and be with him forever and ever!

Now, to be very fair to the fanbase, there is a very large number of in-betweeners. There's people like Cleo who think the series is hilarious, but fully acknowledge the stupid or boring or squicky parts. There's people who read it out of bile fascination and think it's stupid. At my new job, one of the customers told me that she read the books and said "It made me feel like I was eighteen again" and immediately after added that she also thought it was insanely boring, the characters were dumb, and she would scream if Bella went on one more time about Edward's gorgeous eyes or whatnot.

As for the nasty parts - the stalking, the abusive signs, the imprinting, I've seen a ton of excuses to handwave them. Those excuses usually go along the lines of "it turns out alright and it's normal for the genre, so it's okay" (that one was in relation to Bella's stupid cliffdiving), "he had good intentions" or, most rage-inducing for me, "well, it's necessary" (in regards to Edward's stalking and controlling behavior) and "oh, it's not necessarily sexual!" (imprinting)

I really, REALLY wish that Meyer had been smart enough to just put in one imprinted couple who were of age to date/marry, but chose to instead have a platonic, friendly relationship. It would lend a LOT more weight to her "it's not sexual" insistence. As it is, it reminds me of how Neil and Halcyon kept insisting that their works were not supposed to be sexual, yet their characters were constantly having sex or thinking about sex or being used in sexual ways.

One big thing I suspect is that a lot of the serious fanbase just doesn't understand how bad the implications of the various claims (the child grooming, the abusive relationships, the stalking) really are. Time was, I didn't think stalking was too bad. Then I read some accounts and really got an idea of what it feels like. Stephenie Meyer all but said she doesn't think stalking is bad and wouldn't mind trying it. My best friend was stalked and she said it was fucking scary.

Same for the controlling stuff. I'm sure a lot of the fans, especially the younger or inexperienced ones, see it and think "how romantic, that he cares so much as to look out for her like that!" But then, if they were dating someone so controlling, I'm sure they'd go out of their minds in frustration.

I'm glad you enjoyed my sporking! It was my first one ever, so I was pretty much winging it. ^^; Always pleased to be of service. ^_^

[yemi-hikari.livejournal.com]

What gets me is how clear things are to non-fans, both who have read and not read the books, but how unclear it is to the rabid fans.

I mean, I've read comments about how the 'haters', which equates anyone saying anything negative about the books, are the ones who aren't getting it, because that is not what Meyer meant to write, Meyer said so herself, so it must be true. (It is likly somewhere in my rabid quotes mess. Most have been from Twilight, as it's been hard to find rabid quotes from other sorces.)

I mean, here we have Edward bargining Bella's body to someone else, yet some women still try to argue he's just protecting her? From what, here, is he protecting her from? To him, she's just an object, just as he is for her.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I guess if you go by pure intent, which the rabid fans usually do, it's much more innocent. But if you look at all of the implications of it (which the rabid fans tend to miss or ignore), that's when you see how creepy it is.

Actually, it reminds me of Rose Potter or Hogwarts Exposed, and how the fans make half-assed excuses for what was "meant" by the nasty things. No meant what was meant, they're ignoring the implications.

[yemi-hikari.livejournal.com]

I think you get that in any fandoms. Just the other day, I got a review on one of my Bleach fanfics, from a rabid Momo/Toshiro shipper asking me why I made Momo his sister. I replied that would be because in canon they are not biological siblings, but they did in fact grow up with each other. It is said in DDR, that the Mangaka helped with, and his character book that he put together. They don't like being told something that ruins their little world.

Re:

[rabassaqosep.livejournal.com]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6M_6qOz-yw