Breaking Dawn: Chapter 34 - Declared

[zelda_queen]

ZeldaQueen: How many chapters after this one?

Projection Room Voices: Five.

ZeldaQueen: And you're quite sure this time?

Projection Room Voices: Quite. "Chapter thirty-four, in which we are clubbed over the head with over-the-top unification for a battle which will certainly be approaching and Bella and Co attend a Christmas party".

ZeldaQueen: Right. Time's a-wasting!

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...

---

Chapter 34: Declared

ZeldaQueen: I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there!

Hey, have any of you forgotten how Wonderfully Talented Edward is? Hmm? Well we're all reminded right off the bat, as Bella comes home to find Edward greeting her with her lullaby tune. Good grief man, do you have to turn your wife coming back from a shopping trip into an over-the-top reunion? I'm getting vibes of Inman and Ada having their three "I marry you"s. Oh, and we find out that Jacob has apparently decided to stop screwing his responsibilities and actually see his dad for a change. How nice of him.

At the sight of her home, Bella once more starts angsting and wants to cry because of course the Volturi are going to kill them all, they are doomed and woe is them. Edward is of course horny as heck and I'm starting to wonder if this is Meyer's way of saying that if a gay person meets just the right girl he'll go straight. Bella explains to Edward that she picked up Renesmee "only a little thing" as a gift. Right, and Edward only gave Bella a trinket for her birthday charm bracelet in Eclipse. Anyone wondering what this trifle of a gift is?

"Carefully, I fished the little velvet jewelry bag from my clutch without opening the purse enough for Edward to see the cash I was still carrying.

'It caught my eye from the window of an antique store while I was driving by.'

I shook the little golden locket into his palm. It was round with a slender vine border carved around the outside edge of the circle. Edward popped the tiny catch and looked inside. There was space for a small picture and, on the opposite side, an inscription in French.

'Do you know what this says?' he asked in a different tone, more subdued than before.

'The shopkeeper told me it said something along the lines of 'more than my own life.' Is that right?'

'Yes, he had it right.'”

ZeldaQueen: An antique locket. They're giving their infant daughter an antique locket for Christmas. And they're calling it a "little thing". Because of course Renesmee is so mature and grown-up that she can appreciate something like that and care for it accordingly and won't promptly lose or break it (seriously folks, how old were you when your parents gave you jewelry that was the least bit expensive? I was in third grade and it was a simple pearl necklace). And of course Meyer's once more smacking us across the face with how rich the Cullens are, with Bella just casually picking up a locket which is undoubtedly old and expensive. That's not to go into it being yet another fanfiction "let's use lots of over the top and expensive gifts!" bit. das_mervin has already done that for this series. Several goddamned times.

And I know it's kind of minor, but why on Earth would Edward care if he saw that Bella had a lot of extra money in her person? These people throw thousand dollar bills around like confetti and she did say she was just out shopping. Yes, I know, it's supposed to be that Bella is going on her lame attempts to remind us that she has a Huge Secret that she must make a great effort to hide from her husband, even if said efforts make no sense. Meyer, you still fail at suspense.

Edward suggests that they go back to the cottage and Bella insists that she'd rather practice learning to fight with Emmett for awhile, since she spent all of the day out and doesn't want to waste time. Emmett (who is watching TV with Rosalie) is quite happy to oblige and responds "Excellent. The forest needs thinning". Emmett, you are wonderful and I love you. Please escape from this fandom to one that is more deserving! Leah, Kate, and Garrett can join you! Edward gets all pissy at this and glares "at Emmett and then at [Bella]", insisting that there's plenty of time for practice in the morning. Bella reasonably points out that the Volturi are on their way and that every bit of time counts. Edward proceeds to cut her off and "his expression was such that not even Emmett argued". Excuse me? WHY? We are never given any reason for this. Is Edward just so possessive and clingy that he won't let Bella out of his sight after she's been gone all day? Is he so determined to keep her weak and defenseless that he keeps objecting to her training? Because that's what it's coming off as. Almost every single time we've heard about Bella's training with Edward involved, it includes him getting all upset with the idea and trying to dissuade Bella from doing it. I'm sure Meyer is trying to make us think "How sweet, he just can't stand the thought of his wife in a dangerous situation!" but it's not. We're supposed to be convinced that the Volturi are on their way and everyone is going to die and a fight will be inevitable. So if I'm to believe all of that, then Edward's obsessive smothering of Bella just comes across as jerkishness and idiocy. She's actually got a point that if battle looks at all likely, she ought to learn to freaking well fight so that she can take care of herself and free up Edward. Him trying to direct her gaze the other way and saying "Oh, we're surely not going to be fighting, no sense in planning for it!" when Meyer keeps insisting that there is just comes across as him either being like an overprotective dad or a complete moron (or both). In fact, I'm wondering if Edward's got some sort of a complex where he gets off on saving Bella. Might explain why they're dating really...

Well, that's over and I don't want to bore you all with anymore ranting, so onward we go! Bella decides to be positive for once (oh, there's a thought!) Bella decides that Alice's vision must have included Renesmee and Jacob escaping in the first place, which would thus imply that the group would be able to hold their own in battle at least long enough for said escape. I'm going to skip the rant on hinging this all on Alice's visions because it's been said before and because at least Bella's not crying over how they're all doomed, woe is them anymore.

Oh for the love of - now Bella's on her Happy Suicide Routine! She figures that her daughter and Jacob will escape and she and Edward will die with the rest of the Cullens and that's good enough for her since she doesn't want live without him. *headdesk* BELLA, DID ANY OF THE EVENTS OF NEW MOON STICK WITH YOU, OR DID THEY JUST GO THROUGH YOUR HEAD LIKE A SIEVE? Oh, and she figures that she believes that there's some sort of afterlife because even though she herself can't picture it, "I couldn't imagine Edward not existing somehow, somewhere. If we could be together in any place, then that was a happy ending". She...I...*eye twitches* So basically her belief on the afterlife lies solely in the fact that she can't deal with the fact that her husband might go someplace where she can't be with him? So nice to know that Bella's got a wide range of thoughts and values for such a lofty and complex concept which people have spent their entire lives debating on! And yes Meyer, we know that you're a fool who completely missed the point of Romeo and Juliet. It wasn't charming or sweet in New Moon, so don't use it here. These things don't get better with age.

And we then skip ahead to Christmas, which is celebrated at Charlie's house. Bella, Edward, Renesmee, and Jacob are there with all of Jacob's pack, plus Sam, Emily, and Sue. I guess that means that Leah is forced to watch Emily and Sam make goo-goo eyes at each other, but we're not told anything about it so for my own peace of mind, I'll just pretend that Leah managed to avoid them and is still in her healthy, happier place from the second part of this book. We're also told how the werewolves were all buzzed for the fight while Edward puts on a brave face and Bella is basically dour and depressed.

Oh, and interested in what else Renesmee for Christmas?

"Renesmee wore the locket I'd given her at dawn, and in her jacket pocket was the MP3 player Edward had given her–a tiny thing that held five thousand songs, already filled with Edward's favorites. On her wrist was an intricately braided Quileute version of a promise ring. Edward had gritted his teeth over that one, but it didn't bother me.

Soon, so soon, I would be giving her to Jacob for safekeeping. How could I be bothered by any symbol of the commitment I was so relying on?"

ZeldaQueen: *eye twitches* First, Edward's gift - he gave his infant daughter an MP3 player. MEYER, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT US TO SEE PARENT/CHILD BONDING WHEN YOU REFUSE TO TREAT RENESMEE LIKE A CHILD IN THIS? SERIOUSLY, COULDN'T SHE HAVE BEEN GIVEN A TEDDY BEAR? A BOOK? SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL PERHAPS? SOMETHING THAT COULD FEED HER IMAGINATION AND PROVIDE COMFORT? OH BUT I FORGOT, THE DEMON DEATH BABY IS ALREADY ADULT IN MIND AND THUS HAS NO PATIENCE FOR SUCH THINGS! SILLY ME! IN THAT CASE, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SEE HER AS A CHILD? SHE ISN'T TREATED LIKE ONE AT ALL!

Sorry about that bit of ranting there but for some reason that just...it really gets to me. Maybe it grates my nerves because it reminds me of Rose Potter, where these sorts of things feel like empty shells or mockeries of what heartfelt moments and gifts are. And another thing, dear viewers - Edward already filled the MP3 player with his favorites. Five thousand of them. No mention of any that Bella picked. No mention of any room left for Renesmee to pick any. And no, no one is allowed to say that she is a child and thus unable to download songs to an MP3 player. If she's considered old enough to be given one, she is old enough to choose what songs go on it.

And now...Jacob's gift.



ZeldaQueen: No one, NO ONE, has any right whatsoever to claim that Jacob doesn't think of Renesmee "in that way". I don't care what you say, I don't care what you show me, that right there is proof. He basically has given her an engagement ring. When she is an infant who is not even biologically a year old yet. And no, don't tell me "it could be referring to something else!"

Main Entry:	promise ring
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a ring given prior to an engagement ring; also, another term for engagement ring

ZeldaQueen: As told by Dictionary.com. And Bella? Yes you can be bothered by that particular symbol. Because it's not like he gave her a friendship bracelet or some minor token of affection. He gave her what is essentially an engagement ring. Which means that he has intentions for what will eventually be sexual. Which means that he is essentially child grooming your daughter. THAT IS NOT GOOD BELLA! Seriously, doesn't this disturb her in the least? And we all know Meyer things this is sweet. Just like a adventure romance novel! The damsel in distress will be swept to safety by her designated beloved! Never mind that he's sixteen or so and she's not even one!

On a somewhat lighter note, Edward thinks enough to give Charlie a sonar fishing rod as a gift. Apparently he ordered it the day before and used priority overnight shipping. Erm, is it possible to get something like that, right on Christmas Eve? I guess in Meyerland, all things are possible.

Bella reflects on how she hasn't spoken to her mother since the wedding and decides that it's a good thing that she started to cut her out of her life two years ago. First of all - Bella admit it you never were "best friends" with your mother. Even before you became Edward's puppy, you couldn't even be bothered to e-mail her and tell her you got to Forks alright. You always called her "scatterbrained". You obviously didn't care about her at all. Second of all - there you have it folks. Bella just admitted that her relationship with Edward separated her from her family. From the member that she claims to have been closest with. And Bella then goes on to say that Renee too fragile for the vampire world. AUGH!

As Bella, Edward, Renesmee, and Jacob leave the party, she thinks about what she'd tell Jacob to pass on to Charlie if she didn't want Edward to mindread it. Mostly it's about how she wants her dad to know she loved him and he was the best dad ever and to pass on to Renee how she (Bella) loves her and wishes her much happiness, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm only feeling emotional now because I'm listening Drink With Me from the tenth anniversary concert of Les Miserables.

Projection Room Voices: Hey, internet access is for fact checking only!

ZeldaQueen: It's three in the morning! Cut me some slack! Anyway, Bella if you want your readers to believe that you really thought so well of Charlie and loved him so much show us it before the Grand Finale! This seriously reminds me of what Meyer did in the first book, when Bella is off to be killed by James and she suddenly and out of nowhere mentions how she wishes she were in Forks and how it's her home. Bella decides to write this all down on a note for Jacob to pass on later, along with a note for Renesmee to know how much Mommy loved her. The sappiness, it burns us!

Everyone makes it back to the Cullen household to find that Alistar has left. What?!? Son of a - MEYER, THERE ARE MORE OR LESS SIX CHARACTERS IN THIS BOOK THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE AND YOU ALREADY PUT ONE OF THEM ON A BUS. NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU JUST GOT RID OF ANOTHER? GOD!!!

And not only that, but Amun, Carlisle, and Benjamin are all bickering while Kebi, Esme, and Tia hover to the side because of course they're meek and quiet and don't actually chip in. Okay, to be fair none of the other vampires do, but Meyer specifically mentions that those three are right there with their husbands like they're also involved.

It turns out that Amun is being a jerk and is accusing Carlisle of trying to steal half of his coven. Considering that there's all of four people in it...yeah. Benjamin is actually kind of cool and makes a rather snarky response to this, that "Yes, Carlisle picked a fight with the Volturi, endangered his whole family, just to lure me here to my death". Amun blusters at this and insists that they should all be running and that Alistar was the only sane one. Tia mutters "Think of who you're calling sane". Wait a second - a paranoid old goat who seems almost justified at times for his insane precautions, is infamous amongst his friends for said paranoia, and is named "Alistar".

...Meyer, please tell me you didn't try to rip off Mad-Eye Moody. Wasn't Dumbledore bad enough?

Amun starts threatening to join the Volturi so that he won't die in the fight which is of course going to happen and Carlisle is all patient and insists that if he wants to leave, no one will force him to stay. Amun agrees to stay and act as witness that he saw Renesmee grow and gets all angry with Benjamin for not wanting to run off. Benjamin makes a rather cold remark about Amun wanting to control his will and Amun goes storming off with Kebi at tow (because of course the wife must always follow her husband).

As the crowd breaks up, Eleazar mentions that there was a reason Alistar left - he felt that the Volturi were so determined for a fight, that if they couldn't use Renesmee as an excuse, then they'd find another one. The rest of the vampires hear this and panic at the thought of how the Volturi could be so cruel as to try something like that. How indeed. *rubs head* I've already gone on about Meyer's ridiculous flip-flopping of how we're supposed to be viewing the Volturi, so I'll spare you any more rants on that. Meanwhile, the Romanian vampires are quite pleased at the thought of the Volturi picking a fight, since it will prove to the vampire world how they (the Volturi) are the scumbags that they supposedly were in secret (despite seeming to be quite open about it). Mostly the Romanians hate the Volturi's apparently secret cruelty because when they ran their own empires, they claimed to at least have been honest about how viscous they were. Or as Stefan says it, "We never put on white hats and called ourselves saints".

White hats? Saints. Hmm...



ZeldaQueen: *coughs discretely*

I'm just saying...

Anyway, from this conversation we basically get that this inevitable and definitely happening battle will pretty much make or break the Volturi, If they win, they walk off with an obscene amount of power. Bella (of course), Edward and Benjamin specifically, along with Kate and Zafrina (who would be good replacements for Jane and Alec). Erm, once more I ask, if the Cullens and their allies have powers that would be strong enough to replace members of the Volturi, why are they all so certain that they'll be dying?

The Romanian vampires conclude that even if they're only just able to expose the Voturi, they'll be happy so they'll be sticking to the cause and fighting. Tia proceeds to stand up pretty much and say that she and Benjamin are disgusted with the Volturi and will stand and fight as well. Garrett and Tanya chip in. Everyone starts calling out if they're undecided (Peter, Charlotte, Mary, and Randall) or still with this. Jacob calls in that the pack will fight to the end and Maggie chimes in that she'll fight for the truth (Carlisle's side of course). Siobhan and Carlisle have a grave talk on how they want there to be no fight, but still fear there'll be one and Jacob and Edward are weirdly united as Edward comments that "[The vampires will] be shocked when the [wolves] save their superior lives, won't they?" Well, this certainly is stirring and I certainly can't wait for this Huge Final Battle! I mean, we're definitely and beyond all certainty having one, aren't we? It's not as if Meyer would give us such a huge set-up and completely jerk the rug out from under our feet and leave us with only boring dialogue, isn't it?

Oh how nice, we get a time jump! Everyone is now out hunting and in the middle of noming on an elk, Bella has a panic attack. She realizes that Renesmee can get through her mental shield and wonders if that means that her power is somehow faulty. Of course it's not, she's a Sue she's Meyer's wish-fulfillment avatar Edward has a perfectly logical explanation for it - Renesmee's power is the opposite of theirs'. Nothing can keep her out of their heads. Sorry, did I say that was perfectly logical? Well, logical enough for Meyer I suppose. Given all of that, it seems highly unlikely that Aro could somehow block her out and keep her from showing her the truth. But of course they wonder if the truth would be enough to stop him. And then Meyer gives us a "Duh duh DUUUUUHHH!!!!"

Well no, not really, but you could tell she was thinking it.

---

Onward to: Chapter 35: Deadline

Back to: Chapter 33: Forgery

Return to: Table of Contents

Comments

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

......Sometimes, silver bullets aren't enough.

*whips out grenade launcher* JERKOFF, YOU KEEP YOUR FILTHY PAEDO PAWS AWAY FROM THAT DEMONCHILD. *fires indiscriminately*

...She seriously tried to plagiarize J.K Rowling? Well, she's stolen from everyone else. Makes sense, eh? Bitch.

*clings to Alistar* Take me with you! And Emmett, Leah, Rosalie, Kate and Garrett! We'll have fun adventures!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure that's what she did, but it kind of fits doesn't it? A grizzled English dude who's sure that his enemies will be after him, has systems to keep himself self, and is well-known for being crazy. Tia's comment even reminds me of Tonks rolling her eyes over the wand in the back pocket thing.

[southerngaelic.livejournal.com]

Also, her SUBTLE Catholic bashing is pissing me the fuck off.

*mounts Final Fantasy GF Alexander*

Holy Missiles, AWAY!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Meyer just sucks at subtlety period. Apparently she's also unaware of the fact that if you're going to bash a group, you ought to be SUBTLE about it.

Woot!

*pulls pin on the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and counts to five*

[darkslover.livejournal.com]

HELL YES. Alexander FTEW! >8D

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Erm, I think there's something wrong with your text. ^^;;

[das-mervin.livejournal.com]

Well, that's over and I don't want to bore you all with anymore ranting, so onward we go! Bella decides to be positive for once (oh, there's a thought!) Bella decides that Alice's vision must have included Renesmee and Jacob escaping in the first place, which would thus imply that the group would be able to hold their own in battle at least long enough for said escape.

You forgot something--so did Meyer and Bella, though. Alice can't See wolves or dhampirs. Whenever they're involved, the entire future goes blank.

Which, of course, begs the question of how she saw them coming to Forks in the first place, but what do I know.

Ah, the white hats. Man, I reached that line and just slammed the PDF off in disgust. Maybe when I spork that chapter myself, we'll do it Rocky Horror style and have cues. Hit that line, put on a white hat and make the sign of the cross. "Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini." And then--WE DRINK!

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I just have pretty much begun ignoring the inconsistencies with Alice's power. You could make a drinking game out of that too, but players would die of alcohol poisoning. As Dan put it in his blog, the only thing that constricts the visions besides wolves and half-vampires are common sense and logic.

I know! I saw that line and had a moment for it to sink in. My mind went something like "White hats, saints...WTF MEYER, COULD YOU GET ANY MORE BLATANT THERE?!?" *sigh* I guess it could be worse though - at least they didn't dress up the Volturi to look like the Pope and Catholics in the movie (at least not that I noticed...)

Woot for that idea! That could work for the entire series, having a "sparkle" reaction, a "chagrin" one, a "BELLA I'M DANGEROUS!!!" one, etc. XD

[lurkythespork.livejournal.com]

In her defense, she might have been referring to the tendency in old Westerns to put the good guys in white hats and the bad guys in black hats, so the audience could tell the difference during shootouts.

Remember, she's a poor writer. Communication is not her strong suit.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

If it were anyone else, I'd think it was just a figure of speech. Maybe you're right and that's what she meant, but after how she's written the Volturi before now (a group of vampires which includes one who is actually remembered by the townsfolk as a saint, the conspiracies and persecution of the Mormon-like Cullens, etc) there's definite unfortunate implications at the very least.

Although you're right, she's a sucky writer, so it's possible she doesn't even realize she's doing it.

[das-mervin.livejournal.com]

I can't ignore them, unfortunately. They are far too insulting, for one, and for another, I've got other twispite fics in the works, so I have to figure out how to work WITH them. *sighs*

No, they didn't dress them up like the Catholics. They didn't need to. They made it quite clear that we were in the Vatican.





Subtle.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Ah. I figured I missed something (I'm really unfamiliar with a lot of Catholic-related stuff, so I only know really common knowledge characterizations.) Smooth >_

[sylvacoer.livejournal.com]

I rented New Moon just to watch it with rifftrax, and when I saw that dome interior, I flipped. Granted, the movie people were just being consistent with the book and using sets viewers would associate with Italy, but... ;KASJDFH;KASDJHFLAKSDJHFLAKSDJHLFKASJD DAMMIT MEYER, LEAVE YOUR RELIGIOUS SNIPING OUTTA THIS. :(

*would actually been as amused as hell if they'd used the horrific interior of the Siena Cathedral as the model for the Volturi lair, since nothing says "DEH CATHOLIC EBIL!!ONE1!" like nausea-inducing zebra motifs* Also, do want on another Volturi spite-fic.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

The Siena Cathedral is kind of pretty... *is mesmerized*

[sylvacoer.livejournal.com]

... ^^; There's no doubt that PARTS are pretty, but I really did start feeling ill when I was in one of the side chapels, because the black-and-white stripes going every-which-way really screwed with my brain; I felt like I standing on a slant and I kept trying to compensate.

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Really? That must have been something to see!

Erm, I like to screw with my head if it's not obvious. ^^; Might explain a few things...

[sylvacoer.livejournal.com]

Well, you're reading Breaking Dawn and you haven't snapped yet - obviously, you are made of sterner stuff than me. ^^;

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

I kind of have snapped a few times. ^^; Whenever I swear...yeah. I normally don't swear at all. XD

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

I'm not Catholic myself, but I attended a Catholic high school and some of my friends are Catholic, so all of the Catholic-bashing in this series has really started to get on my nerves. I know that people have said before that there are a lot of Mormon themes and propaganda in "Twilight," so does the characterization of the Volturi also fit with that? I know that certain Protestant denominations have had problems with Catholics, but why does the Mormon Church dislike them (if Meyer's jabs at them are motivated by her religious background)? Simply because they're not Mormon? But then what about all the other denominations of Christianity? Why the Catholics in particular?

And I cannot believe how oblivious Bella is when it comes to Jacob and Nessie. Doesn't it ever strike people in this book how weird and disturbing it is that one minute, Jacob is pining over Bella, and the next, he's mooning over her *daughter?* Come on, many people think that switching from one brother to the other or one sister to the other in romantic relationships is wrong and inappropriate, and yet Bella's perfectly fine with the fact that the guy who forced a kiss on her now wants to date her newborn daughter?

Good grief, this whole thing now sounds like "The Graduate." I didn't like it when Mrs. Robinson's daughter ran off with the idiotic protagonist even after knowing that he'd slept with her mother, and I definitely don't like this whole sorry arrangement.

And the fact that Edward "Controlling Father Figure" Cullen doesn't try to beat the heck out of Jacob for it also bothers me. For Pete's sake, Edward, you're all for smashing the skulls of boys who wanted to get it on with Bella, but you can't be bothered to try to protect your daughter? What gives?

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

Pretty much that's why. According to this site (http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon327.htm) the book of Mormonism says that all churches besides the Mormon one is an abomination in the sight of God. That's why it was started I believe - because Joseph Smith wondered which of the many churches was right and had that vision which told him to start Mormonism. So apparently that's all it takes. Thanks a lot Meyer, way to not be bigoted and judgmental. (I'm not in any religion myself, but I hate it when people dump on any group for no reason).

I just can't get that either. She starts off being angry and acting like a real mother would and just settles into being happy to let him be all touchy-feely with her. Bah, she's such a brat, she's probably just happy to have yet another babysitter and have an excuse to rid herself of Jacob without actually telling him "I'm not interested you dingbat!"

You know, we hardly hear anything about Edward being involved with Renesmee. At least we hear about Bella carrying her around and stuff, but Edward hardly has anything to do with her. I suppose that by Meyer's thoughts, now that the Death Spawn has her soul mate, she has no need for a father. *growls*