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zelda_queenZeldaQueen: Please tell me this chapter is more interesting, please!
Projection Room Voices: ... We'll owe you a big cookie after this. Triple chocolate.
ZeldaQueen: Fine.
Projection Room Voices: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 15: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
ZeldaQueen: Right then, after an extremely boring and useless chapter that involved the demon fetus breaking a rib and Esme being motherly, Jacob runs outside and is running the perimeter with Seth. Absolutely nothing interesting happens at this point, and all we get is him and Seth blathering about how safe the Cullens will be during their hunting trips. Erm dudes? Edward can read minds and Alice can see the future. I don't really think they're in that bit of danger. Oh, and we get some slight Leah bashing. I say "slight", because while Jacob goes on about how her thoughts still have an "edge" to them and how she hates his and Seth's growing friendliness towards the Cullens, he is surprised that her anger is focused not towards him but to the Cullens and Bella. Leah, I knew you were smart. You deserve far better. Oh, and Jacob also mentions how Leah had tossed the clothes and food she was sent from Esme into the river and opted to eat kill and eat a raw elk, despite hating it, even though Jake ate his food "to set a good example of self-sacrificing tolerance for Leah"
One second, folks.
ZeldaQueen: Jacob, you and the Cullens in general (and that includes Bella) have got no right to lecture anyone on "self-sacrificing tolerance". None. And considering the fact Leah is hanging around and protecting the Cullens when she clearly hates them is proof enough that she knows about it. So shut up before I jam a screwdriver up your nose!
As he and Seth run around, Jacob considers the possibility of the Cullens taking Bella out of Forks for protection. He notes that it would be safer and "not less painful, but healthier" for him if Bella was gone. Jacob, you are right. It is not healthy to be this dependent on someone! But you know what Meyer? Bella acts exactly the same towards Edward and it's not considered unhealthy then! And imprinted wolves act even worse towards the people they imprint on. And you keep having Jake going "I should just walk away, I should just forget about her", but he never does! What good is it if he doesn't seek help or talk to someone or make the slightest effort to give her up? It's stupid! Even more so by the fact that Bella is a boring and catty girl with little to no redeeming characteristics. And Jake, the world doesn't revolve around you. Don't turn the Cullens packing up and moving into how it could benefit you.
Well the point is moot. It seems that Seth has already suggested it. Jacob gets angry about this for no reason at all and asks what they said. Turns out that Carlisle doesn't want to lose the medical access he has in Forks, especially since they're running out of blood for her to drink. That's nice Meyer, people are being drained, probably thinking that they're saving some little child with cancer, and it's all going to keep a bratty girl and her demon fetus comfortable. Seth also adds that Carlisle will be buying more blood. I can't really fault that since it seems to be true, but given how much blood Bella seems to be going through, won't someone get suspicious when a random doctor in Forks suddenly orders a huge supply of the stuff?
Seth mentions that the fetus broke another of Bella's ribs and Rosalie got Edward angry by insisting that sometimes human fetuses can crack ribs. Weirdly, it does seem to be true as well, though given Meyer's batting average, I'm more inclined to chalk it up to luck. And it also appears that Bella has caught some sort of a cold and her temperature is wildly fluctuating because of a fever. That is why Seth was employed to warm her up.
Seth then adds that she was happily talking on the phone to Charlie, which really freaks out Jacob. Literally, Jacob describes his tone as "fury". Yeah. Anyway, it turns out that Bella has been talking on the phone with her mom and dad, assuring them that she'd be just fine. Jacob continues to spazz at this, because clearly she is not alright and would end up a vampire at the end and will never be allowed to see them again. *pokes previous letter from the future* Erm...yeah. Anyway, Jake points out that even if Bella does survive, she'll still not be human and either be faking her death or running away, thus she shouldn't be giving her dad false hope. And while he has a point, I am still pleased that Bella isn't just ignoring her parents while they're worried about her like a certain furry idiot is.
Jacob's presence is requested by Bella and Alice, so he heads in. Seriously, this is like some boring kid's game. Go in the house, go out of the house, go in the house, go back out. Anyway, Bella's in the bathroom when he goes in, which is pretty understandable with the whole pregnancy thing. Edward is despairing, Esme is comforting him, and Alice seems annoyed that Jacob didn't come faster to fix her headache. Sorry, Your Royal Pain In The Highness.
Rosalie brings Bella back and once more everyone gathers to fuss over her. Jacob's stomach growls and Rosalie is asked to get him some food. Jake asks her not to spit in whatever she brings and Edward assures him that he'll give warning if the food is poisoned. Drat. Rosalie comes back with steak and a baked potato, but serves it in a mixing bowl that she shaped to look like a dog dish. Charming. Jacob eats it and makes another blond joke. She tells him again that she's already heard it.
Jacob asks about when Bella will be having her baby and she explains that since the growth is so wonky, they're judging the development by the diameter of her stomach. She's apparently at thirty while normal size for birth is forty and her stomach is expanding two centimeters a day, so Jake figures that she's got four days left. Yeah...
And here's something about this weird fetus fast-growth thing that I never understood. Well, two things really - the first thing is that wouldn't such drastic growth cause problems in Bella's body, besides the fetus kicking and all? Like, if the skin is stretching that fast and much, wouldn't it tear? The second is this: normally over the nine month period, the fetus spends the time listening to the mother's voice and is thus able to recognize and bond with her. That's why studies show that babies enjoy listening and being with their mothers more than with a stranger. But if the baby is born in a week, it wouldn't spend nearly as much time in the womb learning Bella's voice and bonding with her. So how does that work?
Oh, and Jacob mentions how the more pregnant she got, the more attracted to her he felt. And I just got a letter from the future telling me that I ought to be very chilled by this line.
Jacob angsts and asks Bella why she's so happy when he's there, since apparently the thought that they bonded over New Moon and have a friendship hasn't crossed his hairy mind. Nope, she didn't want to marry him and thus must not like him in the slightest. She tells him that she feels complete when he's around, "Like all [her] family is together". He responds "I'll never be part of your family, Bella."
ZeldaQueen: He thinks that this is a stupid answer and suggests "How about, 'Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.'?" as a better one. Bella flinches (the truth hurts, huh girly?) and she starts spouting off some nonsense about how he was meant to be a part of her life but they got off track somehow. She then suddenly stops mid-sentence and falls asleep. No, really, she does. Apparently demon fetuses also give you narcolepsy. Jake asks about her cracked ribs and Edward tells him "Yes. It's making it hard for her to breathe." You know, I've heard that just one damaged rib is enough to cause a ton of pain and breathing problems. You know why? Your ribs go around your lungs.
The two then start blathering about how stupid Bella is to be talking to Charlie. It seems that she hopes to keep in touch with him as a vampire. And once again, we get any sort of conflict tossed out the window. Have to give up your family to be a vampires? No problem, not at all! Edward also explains her Master Plan to reveal what happened to her:
“Yes. She was explaining her… idea. You see, she's not allowed to tell Charlie the truth–it would be very dangerous for him. But he's a smart, practical man. She thinks he'll come up with his own explanation. She assumes he'll get it wrong.” Edward snorted. “After all, we hardly adhere to vampire canon. He'll make some wrong assumption about us, like she did in the beginning, and we'll go along with it. She thinks she'll be able to see him… from time to time.”
ZeldaQueen: You know Meyer, if you actually showed us Charlie being smart and practical, that might mean something. And once again, stop sneering at traditional vampire mythology. Your vampires are only under that umbrella because they drink blood. Take that away and they're a bunch of sissy sparkly statues that rip off the X-men. Oh and Meyer? Bella never made any wrong assumptions about the Cullens at the beginning. Because she was spoon fed the answer! Are you really counting her lame "I've considered spider bites and Kryptonite" as a guess?
And what do you know, we do get a lame excuse about where Jasper and Emmett are. It turns out that they've been traveling, trying to get more information on vampire/human hybrids. I'm not sure how the flip that works though, since it's made pretty clear that Meyer's vampires aren't anything like the ones in mythology. The vampire myth that Edward references is the one the cleaning lady on Isle Esme knew about. So of all the vampire myths in all the countries in all the world, the correct one happens to be known in the very location they were honeymooning at and found out about the pregnancy at. How convenient. And once more I'm confused as to what mythology this follows, since vampire/human hybrids are hardly rare in legends or fiction. Meyer, if you want to toss all myths out the window, you can't reference them later. Jacob asks about the mothers of the hybrids in the legends and Rosalie replies that they all died, while managing to be extremely condescending to South American birthing:
“'Giving birth in the middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method. Even the normal births went badly half the time. None of them had what this baby has–caregivers with an idea of what the baby needs, who try to meet those needs. A doctor with a totally unique knowledge of vampire nature. A plan in place to deliver the baby as safely as possible. Venom that will repair anything that goes wrong. The baby will be fine. And those other mothers would probably have survived if they'd had that–if they even existed in the first place. Something I am not convinced of.' She sniffed disdainfully."
ZeldaQueen: I'll let all of you scream at that. My voice is going.
Edward and Jacob get angry with Rosalie for daring to care more about the survival of the baby than of Bella. Jake retaliates by tossing his dog dish at her head. She screams at him for getting food in her hair - because of course all blond girls are shallow like that - and he makes yet another blond joke. Alice laughs at this as well and all of this wakes up Bella, who starts to tell Jacob off before gasping in pain as the fetus moves around. Jacob gets all worried and "I bit my tongue to keep from saying what I wanted to say–hard enough that I tasted blood in my mouth. Of course, it would heal before I could swallow."
ZeldaQueen: That's what she said. We get more harping on the similarities between Jacob and the fetus.
ZeldaQueen: All of the Cullens launch into a discussion on the genetics of the fetus, which of course poor Jacob just can't follow. Instead, he goes off to ponder the delivery of the baby. He remembers how the membrane is apparently as hard as vampire skin and how vampire teeth can chew through their species' skin. The chapter ends with him realizing how Rosalie intends to get the baby out safely and I am left with one question - what the hell did the chapter title have to do with anything?
ZeldaQueen: And now I am off to take a nap. I pray to whatever deity is listening that something frigging happens in the next chapter.
Onward to: Chapter 16: Too-Much-Information-Alert
Back to: Chapter 14: You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires
Return to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: ... We'll owe you a big cookie after this. Triple chocolate.
ZeldaQueen: Fine.
Projection Room Voices: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 15: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
ZeldaQueen: Right then, after an extremely boring and useless chapter that involved the demon fetus breaking a rib and Esme being motherly, Jacob runs outside and is running the perimeter with Seth. Absolutely nothing interesting happens at this point, and all we get is him and Seth blathering about how safe the Cullens will be during their hunting trips. Erm dudes? Edward can read minds and Alice can see the future. I don't really think they're in that bit of danger. Oh, and we get some slight Leah bashing. I say "slight", because while Jacob goes on about how her thoughts still have an "edge" to them and how she hates his and Seth's growing friendliness towards the Cullens, he is surprised that her anger is focused not towards him but to the Cullens and Bella. Leah, I knew you were smart. You deserve far better. Oh, and Jacob also mentions how Leah had tossed the clothes and food she was sent from Esme into the river and opted to eat kill and eat a raw elk, despite hating it, even though Jake ate his food "to set a good example of self-sacrificing tolerance for Leah"
One second, folks.
ZeldaQueen: Jacob, you and the Cullens in general (and that includes Bella) have got no right to lecture anyone on "self-sacrificing tolerance". None. And considering the fact Leah is hanging around and protecting the Cullens when she clearly hates them is proof enough that she knows about it. So shut up before I jam a screwdriver up your nose!
As he and Seth run around, Jacob considers the possibility of the Cullens taking Bella out of Forks for protection. He notes that it would be safer and "not less painful, but healthier" for him if Bella was gone. Jacob, you are right. It is not healthy to be this dependent on someone! But you know what Meyer? Bella acts exactly the same towards Edward and it's not considered unhealthy then! And imprinted wolves act even worse towards the people they imprint on. And you keep having Jake going "I should just walk away, I should just forget about her", but he never does! What good is it if he doesn't seek help or talk to someone or make the slightest effort to give her up? It's stupid! Even more so by the fact that Bella is a boring and catty girl with little to no redeeming characteristics. And Jake, the world doesn't revolve around you. Don't turn the Cullens packing up and moving into how it could benefit you.
Well the point is moot. It seems that Seth has already suggested it. Jacob gets angry about this for no reason at all and asks what they said. Turns out that Carlisle doesn't want to lose the medical access he has in Forks, especially since they're running out of blood for her to drink. That's nice Meyer, people are being drained, probably thinking that they're saving some little child with cancer, and it's all going to keep a bratty girl and her demon fetus comfortable. Seth also adds that Carlisle will be buying more blood. I can't really fault that since it seems to be true, but given how much blood Bella seems to be going through, won't someone get suspicious when a random doctor in Forks suddenly orders a huge supply of the stuff?
Seth mentions that the fetus broke another of Bella's ribs and Rosalie got Edward angry by insisting that sometimes human fetuses can crack ribs. Weirdly, it does seem to be true as well, though given Meyer's batting average, I'm more inclined to chalk it up to luck. And it also appears that Bella has caught some sort of a cold and her temperature is wildly fluctuating because of a fever. That is why Seth was employed to warm her up.
Seth then adds that she was happily talking on the phone to Charlie, which really freaks out Jacob. Literally, Jacob describes his tone as "fury". Yeah. Anyway, it turns out that Bella has been talking on the phone with her mom and dad, assuring them that she'd be just fine. Jacob continues to spazz at this, because clearly she is not alright and would end up a vampire at the end and will never be allowed to see them again. *pokes previous letter from the future* Erm...yeah. Anyway, Jake points out that even if Bella does survive, she'll still not be human and either be faking her death or running away, thus she shouldn't be giving her dad false hope. And while he has a point, I am still pleased that Bella isn't just ignoring her parents while they're worried about her like a certain furry idiot is.
Jacob's presence is requested by Bella and Alice, so he heads in. Seriously, this is like some boring kid's game. Go in the house, go out of the house, go in the house, go back out. Anyway, Bella's in the bathroom when he goes in, which is pretty understandable with the whole pregnancy thing. Edward is despairing, Esme is comforting him, and Alice seems annoyed that Jacob didn't come faster to fix her headache. Sorry, Your Royal Pain In The Highness.
Rosalie brings Bella back and once more everyone gathers to fuss over her. Jacob's stomach growls and Rosalie is asked to get him some food. Jake asks her not to spit in whatever she brings and Edward assures him that he'll give warning if the food is poisoned. Drat. Rosalie comes back with steak and a baked potato, but serves it in a mixing bowl that she shaped to look like a dog dish. Charming. Jacob eats it and makes another blond joke. She tells him again that she's already heard it.
Jacob asks about when Bella will be having her baby and she explains that since the growth is so wonky, they're judging the development by the diameter of her stomach. She's apparently at thirty while normal size for birth is forty and her stomach is expanding two centimeters a day, so Jake figures that she's got four days left. Yeah...
And here's something about this weird fetus fast-growth thing that I never understood. Well, two things really - the first thing is that wouldn't such drastic growth cause problems in Bella's body, besides the fetus kicking and all? Like, if the skin is stretching that fast and much, wouldn't it tear? The second is this: normally over the nine month period, the fetus spends the time listening to the mother's voice and is thus able to recognize and bond with her. That's why studies show that babies enjoy listening and being with their mothers more than with a stranger. But if the baby is born in a week, it wouldn't spend nearly as much time in the womb learning Bella's voice and bonding with her. So how does that work?
Oh, and Jacob mentions how the more pregnant she got, the more attracted to her he felt. And I just got a letter from the future telling me that I ought to be very chilled by this line.
Jacob angsts and asks Bella why she's so happy when he's there, since apparently the thought that they bonded over New Moon and have a friendship hasn't crossed his hairy mind. Nope, she didn't want to marry him and thus must not like him in the slightest. She tells him that she feels complete when he's around, "Like all [her] family is together". He responds "I'll never be part of your family, Bella."
ZeldaQueen: He thinks that this is a stupid answer and suggests "How about, 'Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.'?" as a better one. Bella flinches (the truth hurts, huh girly?) and she starts spouting off some nonsense about how he was meant to be a part of her life but they got off track somehow. She then suddenly stops mid-sentence and falls asleep. No, really, she does. Apparently demon fetuses also give you narcolepsy. Jake asks about her cracked ribs and Edward tells him "Yes. It's making it hard for her to breathe." You know, I've heard that just one damaged rib is enough to cause a ton of pain and breathing problems. You know why? Your ribs go around your lungs.
The two then start blathering about how stupid Bella is to be talking to Charlie. It seems that she hopes to keep in touch with him as a vampire. And once again, we get any sort of conflict tossed out the window. Have to give up your family to be a vampires? No problem, not at all! Edward also explains her Master Plan to reveal what happened to her:
“Yes. She was explaining her… idea. You see, she's not allowed to tell Charlie the truth–it would be very dangerous for him. But he's a smart, practical man. She thinks he'll come up with his own explanation. She assumes he'll get it wrong.” Edward snorted. “After all, we hardly adhere to vampire canon. He'll make some wrong assumption about us, like she did in the beginning, and we'll go along with it. She thinks she'll be able to see him… from time to time.”
ZeldaQueen: You know Meyer, if you actually showed us Charlie being smart and practical, that might mean something. And once again, stop sneering at traditional vampire mythology. Your vampires are only under that umbrella because they drink blood. Take that away and they're a bunch of sissy sparkly statues that rip off the X-men. Oh and Meyer? Bella never made any wrong assumptions about the Cullens at the beginning. Because she was spoon fed the answer! Are you really counting her lame "I've considered spider bites and Kryptonite" as a guess?
And what do you know, we do get a lame excuse about where Jasper and Emmett are. It turns out that they've been traveling, trying to get more information on vampire/human hybrids. I'm not sure how the flip that works though, since it's made pretty clear that Meyer's vampires aren't anything like the ones in mythology. The vampire myth that Edward references is the one the cleaning lady on Isle Esme knew about. So of all the vampire myths in all the countries in all the world, the correct one happens to be known in the very location they were honeymooning at and found out about the pregnancy at. How convenient. And once more I'm confused as to what mythology this follows, since vampire/human hybrids are hardly rare in legends or fiction. Meyer, if you want to toss all myths out the window, you can't reference them later. Jacob asks about the mothers of the hybrids in the legends and Rosalie replies that they all died, while managing to be extremely condescending to South American birthing:
“'Giving birth in the middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method. Even the normal births went badly half the time. None of them had what this baby has–caregivers with an idea of what the baby needs, who try to meet those needs. A doctor with a totally unique knowledge of vampire nature. A plan in place to deliver the baby as safely as possible. Venom that will repair anything that goes wrong. The baby will be fine. And those other mothers would probably have survived if they'd had that–if they even existed in the first place. Something I am not convinced of.' She sniffed disdainfully."
ZeldaQueen: I'll let all of you scream at that. My voice is going.
Edward and Jacob get angry with Rosalie for daring to care more about the survival of the baby than of Bella. Jake retaliates by tossing his dog dish at her head. She screams at him for getting food in her hair - because of course all blond girls are shallow like that - and he makes yet another blond joke. Alice laughs at this as well and all of this wakes up Bella, who starts to tell Jacob off before gasping in pain as the fetus moves around. Jacob gets all worried and "I bit my tongue to keep from saying what I wanted to say–hard enough that I tasted blood in my mouth. Of course, it would heal before I could swallow."
ZeldaQueen: That's what she said. We get more harping on the similarities between Jacob and the fetus.
ZeldaQueen: All of the Cullens launch into a discussion on the genetics of the fetus, which of course poor Jacob just can't follow. Instead, he goes off to ponder the delivery of the baby. He remembers how the membrane is apparently as hard as vampire skin and how vampire teeth can chew through their species' skin. The chapter ends with him realizing how Rosalie intends to get the baby out safely and I am left with one question - what the hell did the chapter title have to do with anything?
ZeldaQueen: And now I am off to take a nap. I pray to whatever deity is listening that something frigging happens in the next chapter.
Onward to: Chapter 16: Too-Much-Information-Alert
Back to: Chapter 14: You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires
Return to: Table of Contents