zelda_queen | Breaking Dawn: Chapter 29

ZeldaQueen: Well, the conflict appears to be on the move! I hope that now that it's here, it'll be fast and fun and make up for this sorry excuse for a book.

Projection Room Voices: "Chapter twenty-nine, in which Bella is weepy and a slight bit of plot is established".

ZeldaQueen: Huh. You'd think by now I'd have learned better.

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 29: Defection

ZeldaQueen: Pfft, more like "defecation".

Well, everyone is still all terrified and angsty and now that Jacob is updated on what exactly is going on, he gets to going in too. Remembering that God-awful imprinting and how this new source of conflict is directed at Renesmee, I shudder to think how he'll be acting in the upcoming chapters.

Also, Alice and Jasper still have not returned from whatever it was they left to do (check the future I think, like that ever works). Around sunrise, Bella starts to figure that something is up. By then, Jacob has warned Sam about the impending attack (Bella of course goes on about how it'll do no good and they'll all die) and Bella and Edward have been staring at each other for hours (can you two be a little less creepy? Please?) The rest of the Cullens start to worry as well and they all think back to Aro, who as we recall from New Moon wants Alice because of her Fantastic (yet Conveniently Unreliable) Powers. I have no idea how they think that Aro can somehow arrange a kidnapping right then and there when Alice said that they had a month before the Volturi showed up. Even if they changed their minds, they're in Italy. What are the odds that they'd somehow appear in the backyard so quickly, especially since they probably didn't even set out yet? Oh, and Bella describes Aro as having a "translucent-skinned face". *facepalm* MEYER, SKIN IS NOT TRANSLUSCENT! This is transluscent

ZeldaQueen: This is not

ZeldaQueen: Or were you suggesting that Aro looks like this?

ZeldaQueen: Right, ridiculous word usage aside, everyone rushes out to the woods where Alice and Jasper went and *gasp* they are not there! The horror! Of course, they still think that Aro kidnapped them. If Aro tried to kidnap them, wouldn't there have been a struggle? I'm sure the two wouldn't just sit there and let themselves be kidnapped. And if that's the case, then wouldn't one of the Cullens have heard it? I thought Bella could hear all the way to the freeway? Bah. Anyway, the Cullens follow Alice and Jasper's scent to the Quileute border where they find Sam. Sam informs them that he had escorted the pair through the territory as they requested and that they went into the ocean and left that way. Once again, why do we never see this cool usage of no breathing? It seems to me that walking cross the ocean floor as much as one likes would be an awesome thing to try. Oh, and Alice also left Sam with a note to give to Bella, of the utmost importance.

The note turns out to be a page torn from Bella's copy of The Merchant of Venice, one of several Shakespeare books that she brought from her home to her cottage, which we never heard about before now. Remember, Bella is supposed to be Deep and Literate? There is a letter from Alice on the back of the paper, telling the Cullens not to look for them and to remember to round up their vampire friends as well as to expect Jasper's friends Peter and Charlotte to be on the way. Remember Peter and Charlotte? The Mexican vampires with blond hair and European names? Yeah, them.

Sam flips his lid at the thought of abandoning one's family as Alice and Jasper appear to have done, and after how he treated Leah while giving Jacob all kinds of slack over Bella, I'm not at all interested in what he considers to be decent behavior.

"Edward's expression was stiff–to Sam it probably looked angry or arrogant, but I could see the shape of pain in the hard planes of his face"

ZeldaQueen: That's right folks, all those times Edward looked angry and arrogant he was just being stoic and in pain. Bull, I say! Edward starts trying to rationalize Alice's behavior, figuring that she foresaw something that caused this to happen. Sam once more goes on about the importance of standing by your family (I snort at the hypocrisy of this all) and Edward replies that the vampires are different and "We each still have our free will". Oh, really? You mean like how Alice decided she was friends with Bella after seeing a vision of it happening? Or Bella being so certain that she'll be transformed into a vampire after Alice foresaw it? Or Alice hooking up with Jasper, just because she knew it would happen? In fact, the Cullens mostly seem to use Alice's visions as a truth rather than a potential. Wouldn't that count as a loss of free will Meyer? Hmm?

The Cullens warn Sam that he and his pack can run as well and Sam insists that they will stay and fight. Not because of anything silly like protecting the town from the most evil and bloodthirsty vampires in the world though. Nope. They're going to stay and fight because Renesmee is who Jacob imprinted on. And then says that she is their "family" because of this. DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO CHOOSE NOT TO MARRY JACOB IF SHE WISHES AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO NOT THINK OF HER LIKE THAT YET!!!!

YAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

ZeldaQueen: Continuing on before I lose my mind, Bella goes back to wigging out over how they're all doomed, doomed, doomed, because why else would Alice decide to get her sparkly butt out of Dodge? Apparently the thought that Alice had some sort of a plan in mind has yet to enter anyone's heads. Emmett, bless him, saves my sanity by declaring that he intends to go down fighting and that they ought to follow through with Alice's instructions. Everyone else agrees and Bella thinks "And apparently we would involve others, because Alice had said so before she'd left us. How could we not follow Alice's last warning?"

ZeldaQueen: Sorry Edward, what was that you were saying about free will?

Oh, and Bella is still going on about how everyone's going to die. Because there's not a chance of them somehow surviving this, nope. Bella, have you ever heard about SNIOP? If you keep thinking "we're going to die", then you're not really helping your chances. Take some lessons from Emmett, he can teach you well.

The Cullens then go after a fake trail Alice left that circles back to Bella and Edward's cottage. Bella shows the tiniest bit of reasoning by figuring that there must be something Alice was trying to tell her by using a page from her book. Unfortunately, Bella continues to more or less be stupid and is unable to figure out what that message is. Watch out for stereotypical Jews who handle money, perhaps? Bella actually has to ask for Edward's permission to have a minute alone in the cottage and he still doesn't want to give her that. DUDE, WHAT THE HECK? Is he so domineering/possessive/dependent that he can't let her out of his sight while she's in her own house for one minute? She gets him to settle for thirty seconds and runs in without his consent - oh, bold move there - to find her copy of The Merchant of Venice. We also get some non sequitor about the fire burning in the fireplace.

Inside of the book, there is another note for Bella. This one gives her a name and address in Seattle with a warning to burn it after reading. She tosses the entire book in the fireplace (erm...okay I guess...dunno why she didn't just burn that one page) and is confronted by Edward who comes in after thirteen seconds rather than thirty. DUDE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? CAN YOU NOT RESPECT YOUR WIFE ENOUGH TO GIVE HER THIRTY SECONDS ALONE, WHEN SHE OBVIOUSLY IS DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT? DO YOU FOLLOW HER INTO THE BATHROOM ALSO? He asks her why she's burning her book and Bella dances around trying to figure out what to say. She has another rare brainwave, figuring out that Alice must not want Edward to know what's going on, since she wants Bella (whose mind Edward can't read) to be the only one to know all of this stuff. Bella ultimately just says it at "seemed appropriate" and Edward apparently is fine with letting his wife's weird book-burning habits lie. Oh, and he also theorizes that Alice ran off because Jasper was the only one of them in danger and she was saving him. Because of course Alice couldn't have just sent Jasper off on his own and been separated from him for some time. Nope.

Bella again assumes that they are all going to die because Alice ran off but wonders if her secret instructions could help to save something. I...oy. Back at the main house, Carlisle and Esme go off to find some of their friends. Emmett and Rosalie go to track down some nomad vampire pals to help and Edward and Bella are tasked with staying to show Renesmee to Tanya and her clan when they arrive shortly. It seems that the clan doesn't know why they're being asked to come and need to be persuaded not to freak out and want to kill Renesmee like Irina did. Personally, I wouldn't mind more people wanting to get ride of the spawn.

We also find out that Jacob has told Renesmee everything that is going on. Bella is annoyed because she wanted to shield her daughter. On one hand, I find that to be kind of stupid since there's obviously going to be a lot happening and the kid is supposed to be really smart. Of course she'll notice something's afoot. On the other hand, I hate that Renesmee has got Jacob by the nuts just because of genetic compatibility. How is giving a child everything it wants equal to raising it well?

Edward warns Jacob that Tanya and Co might not be too friendly if they find out that the Cullens are friendly with the wolves. Jacob says "“Some friends. They'd turn on you just because of who you hang out with now?" and I laugh at the hypocrisy of that statement. Oh Jacob, did you forget how perpetually cranky you got towards Bella when you found out that she picked Edward over you? Anyway, Edward tells Jake to introduce himself first in the morning and to inform Sam that there will be a lot more vampires in the area.

While this is going on, Bella decides to look up the name that Alice left her - J. Jenks. Hmm, that doesn't sound shady at all. The closest she can find is "Jason Jenks", who is a lawyer. Very subtle there. The address for Jason's website is also different than the one Alice gave. I definitely think this fellow is shady, don't you? It's kind of hard to tell, this is all so subtle.

Renesmee comes into the room at this point and is very confused about what all's going on. Bella holds her daughter and gets all weepy over the danger she's in and goes on about how she just has to save her. And she also thinks this

"I'd never thought to see the mother-daughter bond reversed between us, the way it had always been for Renée and me."

ZeldaQueen: Well, that's an accurate description if I ever heard one. Bella obviously cared little for her mother and is using her daughter as a pretty dress-up doll. She doesn't seem to particularly give a hoot about either, any more than she did for Charlie.

And with that the chapter is over and just as useless and danged boring as the other