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zelda_queenUp on the screen
The Media ran with a whir
And ZeldaQueen faced
The challenge before her
The Media ran with a whir
And ZeldaQueen faced
The challenge before her
Her face met her palm
And she groaned when she saw
It would involve Muggles
And the Legend of Rah
The Legend of Rah and the Muggles: Original Prologue
ZeldaQueen: Before we begin, I would like to give a brief explanation as to what this is. Nancy Stouffer, author of the infamous The Legend of Rah and the Muggles, actually wrote an even longer, more idiotic version of the book's prologue, which she posted for everyone to see on her website. I think it goes without saying that I do not own The Legend of Rah and the Muggles, nor do I own this prologue. In case there's the slightest chance it looks like I'm claiming ownership of it, rest assured that I am not. The prologue and the book are both the property of Nancy Stouffer
And she groaned when she saw
It would involve Muggles
And the Legend of Rah
The Legend of Rah and the Muggles: Original Prologue
ZeldaQueen: Before we begin, I would like to give a brief explanation as to what this is. Nancy Stouffer, author of the infamous The Legend of Rah and the Muggles, actually wrote an even longer, more idiotic version of the book's prologue, which she posted for everyone to see on her website. I think it goes without saying that I do not own The Legend of Rah and the Muggles, nor do I own this prologue. In case there's the slightest chance it looks like I'm claiming ownership of it, rest assured that I am not. The prologue and the book are both the property of Nancy Stouffer
On the far side of the earth Aura
Zelda: What is this "earth Aura"? Is it like our earth? See, this is why commas are important
Citizens fought great wars with other nations.
ZeldaQueen: Must be mighty important citizens to warrant a capital letter. This isn't the start of a new sentence, Nancy
They had lived a peaceful coexistence with nations throughout the world for one hundred years. A worldwide peace agreement,
ZeldaQueen: Yes, we established that the world is peaceful, happy, happy, fun times. Can we get on with this?
designed by the Congress of United People, C.O.U.P., had kept Aura safe from other nations and colonies much more powerful, until peace and prosperity were interrupted by an unhappiness that spread through the population.
ZeldaQueen: Huh, I guess unhappiness can completely ruin a government. To heck with checks and balances! This thing is run on emotions!
And if vague unhappiness was all that it took to bring this thing down, how did it last more than a day?
As prosperity grew, so did the need to have even more material possessions. Greed began to eat-away the moral foundation that maintained the peace.
ZeldaQueen: Between this and how we're told later how the wealthy people are such assholes, this sounds like some children's literature version of anti-capitalism propaganda
Within a few years the need for power and control infected the Congress like a virus.
ZeldaQueen: The need for power and control apparently sets in and works pretty fast, if the government kept itself afloat for a hundred years without any temptations and then suddenly bam! There's the need!
C.O.U.P. was established after the Great Island Wars to prevent any nation or colony from attacking another without good cause. Every nation and colony had agreed to live by the rules in the Constitutional Peace Charter.
ZeldaQueen: SUBTLE U.N. BASHING! SUBTLE U.N. BASHING! *MANS SIRENS*
The Peace Charter had been signed in blood by every leader, of every nation or colony, so that no leader would ever forget how important it was to keep peace throughout the world.
ZeldaQueen: And because it was cliched and cool, albeit extremely unhygenic. I do have to wonder what Ms Stouffer was smoking though, to think that nine to twelve-year-olds would not be freaked out by the notion of a large number of people signing their names in blood on a document.
It had always been respected, because of the bloodshed by the Forefathers of every citizen on earth. For generations this Charter was revered, but as the privileged youth began to assume positions of power, its’ importance became diminished.
ZeldaQueen: So let me get this straight. This Peace Charter thing has kept the peace for hundreds of years, but it was the "privileged youth" who start the downfall of its effectiveness? Doesn't that imply that only a generation or two has passed? Where does Stouffer think the youth come from?
Also, why did you tack that completely unnecessary apostrophe on the end of "its"?
The simplicity of the Charter is what made it possible for every nation and colony, with many different forms of governments, to accept it as the most important part of their own laws. It was created to allow nations the right to have their own beliefs and traditions without criticism, or threat from any other country.
ZeldaQueen: Um...how is this groundbreaking?
It respected and guaranteed human rights, and supplied guidelines to protect natural resources. It encouraged cultural, educational, and artistic exchanges, and guaranteed fair-trading. It supported emergency help, and ample food and medical supplies worldwide.
ZeldaQueen: And apparently this was all provided by the pixies. The elves would have chipped in, but they were a bunch of asses and wouldn't be involved
Representatives of C.O.U.P. met one time every year, unless there was an emergency that needed their attention.
ZeldaQueen: Like the toilet being blocked up!
It was headed by a democratically elected leader given the title of Commander.
ZeldaQueen: Cobra Commander, perhaps?
Its headquarters were always located in the country in which the Commander lived, and at this time in history the headquarters were on Aura.
ZeldaQueen: That sounds like a mighty stupid arrangement, if you ask me. So what, every time a new presi - erm Commander is elected, all C.O.U.P. staff have to pack up and move to another country?
Also, way to muck up the end of that sentence there. You jumped from talking like your readers were in the future in relation to these events, to talking like we all traveled back in time to it.
Also - also THIS HAS NO RELEVENCE TO THE REST OF THE STORY! WHY ARE WE BEING TORTURED WITH THIS ALL?
The Constitutional Peace Charter had prevented governments from taking their disputes to battlefields. Even though there had not been any threat of war in years, there had always remained tension caused by citizens with a need to have things that only a privileged few seemed to possess.
ZeldaQueen: I'm completely lost. So this C.O.U.P organization is supposed to be evil, but it produced this great Constitutional Peace Charter which kept the governments from going to war, except that govenments end up going to war somehow, but it's actually the fault of the "privilleged youth" and private citizens who are jealous that they don't have enough resources, even though the charter made the world so that everyone was provided with all of the resources they could ever need. I need to lie down
When world citizens began to loose hope in their ability to someday experience what privilege could give them, they became restless and weary.
ZeldaQueen: Seriously, this is like the opposite of Atlas Shrugged. What is up with Stouffer? It's like she's soapboxing, but I haven't the foggiest what she's actually trying to say!
Before long, unrest within countries all over the world began to threaten the stability that C.O.U.P. had managed to preserve for a century.
ZeldaQueen: You know, now I honestly am confuzzled as to what Stouffer is trying to say about C.O.U.P. She's treating it like this horrible organization, but it managed to keep the peace for a century which is a damned impressive job, all things considered. And it didn't fail technically, because it kept the governments from fighting. It was the private citizens who were causing the issues. What is up with this conflict?
Leadership evolved into a representative body for the wealthy minority, who began to believe they were untouchable.
ZeldaQueen: ... Stouffer. Kindly keep your political beliefs out of your cutesy children's books, please and thank you! You are not a good enough swimmer to drift into those waters!
The average workers and citizens out-numbered the wealthy by millions, and as they became more impatient and angry with their government leadership, they became more convinced that they were going to have to force the changes they needed.
ZeldaQueen: So they stormed into the Russian Palace and kidnapped the Czar and his family before - opps, I got mixed up there
Militias formed, they gathered arms, and before anyone could stop them, their anger turned to violence.
ZeldaQueen: Don't you just hate when that happens? I was sitting in my living just the other day and *bam* my anger turned to violence. Most annoying
They considered themselves true freedom fighters, an "Army of the People". These revolutionaries were determined to reclaim land taken from their families by the government.
ZeldaQueen: Great, now I imagine them wearing overalls and straw hats, camped out on their porches and toting shotguns while shouting for any bank to just try and take the family farm.
Erm, I think I've seen Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? a few times too many...
A law of "eminent domain" gave them the right to buy land from private citizen’s
ZeldaQueen: What do you have against proper apostrophe usage, Stouffer?
to build schools and roads, but they were abusing their power. They used this law to literally steel land
ZeldaQueen: What, they coated the land in a layer of steel?
from property owners, and had even forced people to move from their homes under this law. They didn’t use the property to build schools or roads. They were selling these homes and the land to construction companies, who then built mansions that sold for millions of dollars.
ZeldaQueen: Because lord knows, children ages nine to twelve (the intended audience for this book) are going to know or care about eminent domain laws and the politics behind 'em.
And once again, I'm rubbing my head and trying to figure out who we are supposed to sympathize with. Clearly Stouffer intended for us to side with the "Army of the People" for fighting back against the government, except that Stouffer just told us that the government (which I'm assuming is supposed to be C.O.U.P, given how it's referred to in the singular form) was keeping the peace for an entire century, until the "Army of the People" started the conflict to begin with!
The government had become "Robinhood" for the rich,
ZeldaQueen: ...No. Just...no. Stouffer, having someone be Robinhood for the rich goes against the entire core of Robinhood, which was that he stole from the rich to give to the poor. It was Dennis Moore who stole from the poor to give to the rich!Stupid bitch, redistribution of wealth is trickier than he thought!
and the "Army of the People" was determined to reclaim what belonged to ordinary citizens, but what they would really accomplish is the near total destruction of human life.
ZeldaQueen: So are we supposed to be rooting for the Army of the People? The government? Who? I'M SO CONFUSED!
Militia leaders were soon tracked down and imprisoned. Their families banished from communities, and their children shunned by others who were not willing to risk supporting them for fear of retribution.
ZeldaQueen: How terrible! I care so much, I think I'm going to fall asleep
Even though the governments’ military had been fairly successful causing damage to the "Army of the People" and their leadership, the determination that drove them had already lit the fire of insanity that surrounds every war.
ZeldaQueen: I know I ought to be more invested in this, but there are limits to my insanity. All I want to know is why "Army of the People" is always in quotes. Is it only allegedly an army of the people? Is it the people formerly known as Army? Throw me a bone here, Stouffer!
To most of Aura's citizens it appeared that all of this unrest had occurred suddenly, when it had actually taken generations of corruption and political maneuvering to tear apart the very fibers of the Constitutional Charter.
ZeldaQueen: Even though Stouffer herself made it sound like it happened suddenly, so yeah!
And was the implication supposed to be that there was some sort of conspiracy? Because if so, that's got to be the most glossed-over conspiracy I've ever read about
This Charter made democracy possible for all nations, and gave its citizens inalienable rights. It was masterfully written to insure that all citizens would have a voice in the control their governments, and was intended to prevent government intrusion into private beliefs and lives.
ZeldaQueen: So if the Constitutional Carter was so perfect, how did this all happen? And you already said this!
As government authorities began to interfere more with the lives of citizens, a world war unlike anything known to man was looming in the near future, but Aura’s citizens had no idea just how bad it would become for them.
ZeldaQueen: Because it wasn't bad before with the Army of the People or anything, nope!
I must confess, I strongly suspect that the Army of the People was one of the things she edited out of the prologue. I don't have a copy of the book to compare, but you could just take that entire part out and it would flow from the start to this bit without suffering at all. Granted, you could remove the entire first few chapters from this book and it wouldn't suffer in the slightest, but still...
Aura citizens had lived for generations untouched by any of the horrors they read about from history.
ZeldaQueen: And given how we know nothing about their history, that means so much to us!
They had been comfortable for so many years, and there was a part of them that believed that if any war did take place, it wouldn’t touch their homeland, nor would it really affect their lives in any big way. They had no way of knowing how wrong they were, until it was too late.
ZeldaQueen: You can just hear the "DUN, DUN, DUUUUUN" there.
And while it could be easy to sympathize with people who are so untouched by war that they see it as something they'll never have to deal with (they did something similar in Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day), there's no build-up or emotional connections to these putzes, so they just come across as really stupid
Average citizen’s, worldwide, firmly believed that C.O.U.P. had become a very ineffective organization to represent them.
ZeldaQueen: Hold on, hold on, DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY NO ONE SAW HOW INEFFECTIVE C.O.U.P. WAS UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE?
Also, the average citizen's whats? Apostrophes aren't just there to make the words look pretty, Stouffer
They still believed that even though they hadn’t done other things very well that they could and would prevent any threat of nuclear or biological weapons from ever becoming part of the doom and gloom of the war that was now spreading.
ZeldaQueen: So wait, they don't see that C.O.U.P. has gone corrupt, but they think it can't find its ass with both hands, but they think it still has things under control. These people are morons.
And I often find myself refering to a massive biological war as "doom and gloom". Really fits the mood
A war that was raging, and had now had reached the peaceful continent of Aura. Again, the citizen’s were not only wrong,
ZeldaQueen: The citizen's whats were not only wrong? Why does she keep doing that?
but they were completely unprepared for what would come next. War had cost them the freedom, and liberties they had worn as you would a comfortable pair of old shoes.
ZeldaQueen: What, smelly and covered in mud and dog feces?
The "Great Thirty Year War" would be recorded as the most vicious and evil in the history of Mankind.
ZeldaQueen: So naturally, it's only given passing mention.
And I can only assume that there's some character named "Mankind", because otherwise that word has no business being capitalized
Senseless battle, after battle, had nearly destroyed everything, everywhere.
ZeldaQueen: And the commas were horrifically slaughtered, the inhumanity!
Although the C.O.U.P. arms treaties had boasted the elimination of nuclear and biological weapons, it was the reassembly and use of such weapons that brought this anguishing war to a devastating conclusion.
ZeldaQueen: You know, I have to wonder how many nine to twelve-year-olds are going to understand about the politics behind the use of nuclear and biological weapons
Forest and valleys, farms and villages, lay in waste. Only barren battlegrounds were visible where beautiful estates had dotted the landscape, and productive farms once thrived. Here the lingering radiation made it nearly impossible for ordinary human life to be sustained.
ZeldaQueen: Dude, I had no idea Aura was located in Chernobyl!
Okay, that wasn't nice. I'm sorry
The nuclear holocaust had blanketed the sky with dark, poisonous clouds of radiation.
ZeldaQueen: Don't worry, while the sun can't get through that, the moon and stars apparently can. And I was unaware that radiation left clouds
The sun disappeared behind the radiated eclipse just as Aura citizens fled their homeland. Beaten, tired, and nearly starving, they deserted the ruins, leaving behind the imprisoned "have-nots" who had taken refuge in caves after the bombing had begun.
ZeldaQueen: How fortunate that there were caves for them to be abandoned in. And if they voluntarily hid in the caves, how does that count as imprisonment?
They were injured, and handicapped for many reasons. The unfortunate soul’s
ZeldaQueen: ...Okay, that's just basic grammar, Stouffer. How did you muck that one up?
who were considered to be ethnically impure, too old, or simply undesirable for one reason or the other, were abandoned.
ZeldaQueen: *eye twitch* Stouffer...the phrase "ethincally impure" should be handled very carefully in the best of cases. You shouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole
No mercy was shown to even the children of the abandoned citizens.
ZeldaQueen: So now I guess the noblility or whoever are supposed to be the bad guys? The Big Bad Government has pretty much been forgotten, after all
Their cries for help went unrecognized as they rang out with piercing screams for help.
ZeldaQueen: And they paged the Department of Redundancy Department until it became redundant
Despair painted their faces like a mask of terror.
ZeldaQueen: Well I guess things aren't too bad, if there's time for this Despair person to have face-painting
Moans of pain and anguish echoed in the air with dizzying repetitiveness, as the "have-nots" struggled to clear the debris from the entrance of their cavernous prisons.
ZeldaQueen: Question - why are they imprisoned at all? We're not told that there's a shortage of ships or escape routes or food. Why are they left behind, except to show that the rich folk are dicks?
The self-appointed "chosen-ones" gathered in crowds along the shoreline to escape on the few remaining cruise ships, where most of them had once enjoyed luxurious vacations with their families. Now all that these luxury liners represented to them was a way to escape Aura.
ZeldaQueen: Mm, escape via luxury liner. I must admit, that's a new one to me. And if there are multiple cruise ships, why is it so hard to find room for everyone? Does Stouffer not know how large a cruise ship can be?
They pushed and shoved, trampling one another like a stampede of cattle to secure their place on a vessel. Ladders and ropes, and planks of all kinds, were filled with people trying to crawl and climb aboard.
ZeldaQueen: Hilariously, the ships were all named Titanic and had booked Celene Dion as their evening entertainment. It did not end well
The ships captain’s
ZeldaQueen: DO YOU HAVE SOME MENTAL BLOCK ABOUT THE PLURAL?
had armed, and locked themselves inside control rooms to maintain absolute command of the vessel’s.
ZeldaQueen: *face palm* Apparently she does.
And that would certainly work. It's not like the captain has to move around or anything. Although I must wonder, are we supposed to think badly of the captain for keeping control like that? Because I don't. If these people are such douches, it seems perfectly reasonable to lock the control rooms so they won't mutiny or try to steer the ships wherever they want to go
As the ships filled to an overflowing capacity, the command was given to leave the port. Planks broke away from the ship decks, while desperate people futilely reached out for a helping hand to lift them aboard. Others were left still clinging to ropes and ladders that dangled along the sides of these iron ocean monsters.
ZeldaQueen: I have these hilarious images of people falling into the ocean with high-pitched shrieks, Loony Tune-style. Way to ruin drama, Stouffer
As the mammoth ships floated off to sea, the ropes and ladders were cut from their sides, dropping the desperate stowaway’s into the murky and stormy water, never to be seen again.
ZeldaQueen: Because these people are evil. Was that emphasized enough? They're the spawns of Satan and are evil, evil, evil!
It is hard to imagine that anyone left behind on Aura could have survived, but they did. The power of the human spirit was never more vivid than it is now, nearly five hundred years later.
ZeldaQueen: So...this all happened five hundred years ago? Is it safe to assume that this is an alternate dimension? Except that the narrator talks about it like it's happening in our world and - *head hurts*
Against all odds, a primitive generation of human beings would evolve.
ZeldaQueen: In five hundred years. Lack of logic and poor writing skills can do that, you see
"Muggles", ancestors of the "have-nots", survived the devastation of the war, and still thrive on Aura. They have never experienced the warmth of sunlight, nor the beauty of an evening sky filled with glittering stars.
ZeldaQueen: Then why does their "Muggle-bye" have a reference to the stars shining (or rather, "shinning")? Why does Golda's poem, written by her grandmother, talk about the sun?
And if the Muggles descended from the "have-nots", how the blooming heck are they their ancestors?
Their world is lit only by moonlight shining through a purple haze left behind by
ZeldaQueen: Jimmy Hendrix
nuclear warfare.
ZeldaQueen: Yes...nuclear warfare often leaves purple clouds of radiation. Silly us for not realizing that
"Muggles" look much like human babies, but none of them have hair. Their shoulders are narrow and delicate. They have round, plump bellies, which make their legs and arms look very thin.
ZeldaQueen: In other words, they look like horrifying variations of Teletubbies.
Also, how did we go from purple clouds of radiation to this?
"Muggles" have smooth, soft skin. At one time their skin was blue from the lack of sunlight and oxygen, but now they have creamy white, beige, or brown complexions, and little, pink cheeks. Even when full-grown they look like children.
ZeldaQueen: Okay, hold it, if they used to be blue from lack of sunlight and oxygen (and how would they survive with a lack of oxygen? Wouldn't the have-nots die before reproducing enough to evolve for that?) why would they then change to being white, beige, or brown? What changed? They still don't have any sunlight!
"Muggles" speak many different languages and understand all others, even those of the animals.
ZeldaQueen: After five hundred years of evolution, remember?
Some think "Muggles" voices sound faint, but that is because they are very tiny.
ZeldaQueen: Um...then their voices are faint. Their size really doesn't change that fact. How faint a sound is is a matter of perception
Their average height is three and one half feet.
ZeldaQueen: And yet there are pictures in the book of them riding ants and bees
The only knowledge the "Muggles" have of their ancestor’s, and the history of Aura, are the stories that have been passed down from generation, to generation. These stories are found within the pages of an historical ancestral diary known as the "Ancient Book of Tales".
ZeldaQueen: Which are conveniently specific when it comes to furthering the plot
The "Ancient Book of Tales" has become a record of every event that has taken place, or is taking place on Aura, and in the lives of the "Muggles". It describes traditions and survival methods, and records births, deaths, and achievements. Every "Muggle" child is educated by guidelines set forth in this book, and expected to live by the moral standards described in this historical diary. The tradition of record keeping continues to this very day, and is the "Muggles" only link to the past, their legacy to the future, and is the most treasured possession of the "Muggle" community.
ZeldaQueen: That and the Ancient Bong of Dude, What's that Thing...Got Something to Eat?
It has been said that history repeats itself,
ZeldaQueen: Much like the prose in this book
and many, many years after the "Great Thirty Year War", another nation was growing restless.
ZeldaQueen: It wanted to go outside and play, but there was still another half hour of physics to sit through
Their actions would bring about change that reached far beyond their borders, and would profoundly affect the lives of the "Muggles".
ZeldaQueen: Given what banal and idiotic lives the Muggles lead, it's safe to say that it's not that hard of a task to accomplish
In this distant land, the chilling sounds of a raging war echoed in the background-this land too, had nearly been destroyed by great wars-
ZeldaQueen: - and an over-usage - of commas
and so it was recorded in the Ancient Book of Tales-that in "The Year of the Purple Haze",
ZeldaQueen: People could kiss the sky
people had forgotten the power of love, and sought power in place of love.
A home may be of simple structure,
And yet yields more beauty than mansions;
For the timbers from forests of dreams,
That built this simple place,
ZeldaQueen: *vomits from sappiness*
May crumble to bits and pieces with age,
But the love that gives this home its grace,
Will keep flowing for years yet to come
ZeldaQueen: I do so love how we get hammered over the head with the Power of Love, yet we later see that Rah clearly didn't love Zyn enough to lift two fingers to save him
Down rivers and streams of time,
Quenching the thirsts of mankind,
ZeldaQueen: We are very vexed by all this rhyming/ We're still having trouble with our timing
Bathing your soul from time to time,
Healing the sick and mending the blind;
ZeldaQueen: This obvious attempt at word count pad/ Is simply contrived and very bad
For within your heart, not your mind,
Is where all love is truly defined,
ZeldaQueen: And Rah shows with his power of heart/ He's as sympathetic as an elephant's fart
And its symphony plays on and on,
Long, long after we have gone.
ZeldaQueen: And through frivolous lawsuit this book finds new life/ As well as lutzes and a good bit of strife
Christmas in the Realm: 2011
Zelda: What is this "earth Aura"? Is it like our earth? See, this is why commas are important
Citizens fought great wars with other nations.
ZeldaQueen: Must be mighty important citizens to warrant a capital letter. This isn't the start of a new sentence, Nancy
They had lived a peaceful coexistence with nations throughout the world for one hundred years. A worldwide peace agreement,
ZeldaQueen: Yes, we established that the world is peaceful, happy, happy, fun times. Can we get on with this?
designed by the Congress of United People, C.O.U.P., had kept Aura safe from other nations and colonies much more powerful, until peace and prosperity were interrupted by an unhappiness that spread through the population.
ZeldaQueen: Huh, I guess unhappiness can completely ruin a government. To heck with checks and balances! This thing is run on emotions!
And if vague unhappiness was all that it took to bring this thing down, how did it last more than a day?
As prosperity grew, so did the need to have even more material possessions. Greed began to eat-away the moral foundation that maintained the peace.
ZeldaQueen: Between this and how we're told later how the wealthy people are such assholes, this sounds like some children's literature version of anti-capitalism propaganda
Within a few years the need for power and control infected the Congress like a virus.
ZeldaQueen: The need for power and control apparently sets in and works pretty fast, if the government kept itself afloat for a hundred years without any temptations and then suddenly bam! There's the need!
C.O.U.P. was established after the Great Island Wars to prevent any nation or colony from attacking another without good cause. Every nation and colony had agreed to live by the rules in the Constitutional Peace Charter.
ZeldaQueen: SUBTLE U.N. BASHING! SUBTLE U.N. BASHING! *MANS SIRENS*
The Peace Charter had been signed in blood by every leader, of every nation or colony, so that no leader would ever forget how important it was to keep peace throughout the world.
ZeldaQueen: And because it was cliched and cool, albeit extremely unhygenic. I do have to wonder what Ms Stouffer was smoking though, to think that nine to twelve-year-olds would not be freaked out by the notion of a large number of people signing their names in blood on a document.
It had always been respected, because of the bloodshed by the Forefathers of every citizen on earth. For generations this Charter was revered, but as the privileged youth began to assume positions of power, its’ importance became diminished.
ZeldaQueen: So let me get this straight. This Peace Charter thing has kept the peace for hundreds of years, but it was the "privileged youth" who start the downfall of its effectiveness? Doesn't that imply that only a generation or two has passed? Where does Stouffer think the youth come from?
Also, why did you tack that completely unnecessary apostrophe on the end of "its"?
The simplicity of the Charter is what made it possible for every nation and colony, with many different forms of governments, to accept it as the most important part of their own laws. It was created to allow nations the right to have their own beliefs and traditions without criticism, or threat from any other country.
ZeldaQueen: Um...how is this groundbreaking?
It respected and guaranteed human rights, and supplied guidelines to protect natural resources. It encouraged cultural, educational, and artistic exchanges, and guaranteed fair-trading. It supported emergency help, and ample food and medical supplies worldwide.
ZeldaQueen: And apparently this was all provided by the pixies. The elves would have chipped in, but they were a bunch of asses and wouldn't be involved
Representatives of C.O.U.P. met one time every year, unless there was an emergency that needed their attention.
ZeldaQueen: Like the toilet being blocked up!
It was headed by a democratically elected leader given the title of Commander.
ZeldaQueen: Cobra Commander, perhaps?
Its headquarters were always located in the country in which the Commander lived, and at this time in history the headquarters were on Aura.
ZeldaQueen: That sounds like a mighty stupid arrangement, if you ask me. So what, every time a new presi - erm Commander is elected, all C.O.U.P. staff have to pack up and move to another country?
Also, way to muck up the end of that sentence there. You jumped from talking like your readers were in the future in relation to these events, to talking like we all traveled back in time to it.
Also - also THIS HAS NO RELEVENCE TO THE REST OF THE STORY! WHY ARE WE BEING TORTURED WITH THIS ALL?
The Constitutional Peace Charter had prevented governments from taking their disputes to battlefields. Even though there had not been any threat of war in years, there had always remained tension caused by citizens with a need to have things that only a privileged few seemed to possess.
ZeldaQueen: I'm completely lost. So this C.O.U.P organization is supposed to be evil, but it produced this great Constitutional Peace Charter which kept the governments from going to war, except that govenments end up going to war somehow, but it's actually the fault of the "privilleged youth" and private citizens who are jealous that they don't have enough resources, even though the charter made the world so that everyone was provided with all of the resources they could ever need. I need to lie down
When world citizens began to loose hope in their ability to someday experience what privilege could give them, they became restless and weary.
ZeldaQueen: Seriously, this is like the opposite of Atlas Shrugged. What is up with Stouffer? It's like she's soapboxing, but I haven't the foggiest what she's actually trying to say!
Before long, unrest within countries all over the world began to threaten the stability that C.O.U.P. had managed to preserve for a century.
ZeldaQueen: You know, now I honestly am confuzzled as to what Stouffer is trying to say about C.O.U.P. She's treating it like this horrible organization, but it managed to keep the peace for a century which is a damned impressive job, all things considered. And it didn't fail technically, because it kept the governments from fighting. It was the private citizens who were causing the issues. What is up with this conflict?
Leadership evolved into a representative body for the wealthy minority, who began to believe they were untouchable.
ZeldaQueen: ... Stouffer. Kindly keep your political beliefs out of your cutesy children's books, please and thank you! You are not a good enough swimmer to drift into those waters!
The average workers and citizens out-numbered the wealthy by millions, and as they became more impatient and angry with their government leadership, they became more convinced that they were going to have to force the changes they needed.
ZeldaQueen: So they stormed into the Russian Palace and kidnapped the Czar and his family before - opps, I got mixed up there
Militias formed, they gathered arms, and before anyone could stop them, their anger turned to violence.
ZeldaQueen: Don't you just hate when that happens? I was sitting in my living just the other day and *bam* my anger turned to violence. Most annoying
They considered themselves true freedom fighters, an "Army of the People". These revolutionaries were determined to reclaim land taken from their families by the government.
ZeldaQueen: Great, now I imagine them wearing overalls and straw hats, camped out on their porches and toting shotguns while shouting for any bank to just try and take the family farm.
Erm, I think I've seen Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? a few times too many...
A law of "eminent domain" gave them the right to buy land from private citizen’s
ZeldaQueen: What do you have against proper apostrophe usage, Stouffer?
to build schools and roads, but they were abusing their power. They used this law to literally steel land
ZeldaQueen: What, they coated the land in a layer of steel?
from property owners, and had even forced people to move from their homes under this law. They didn’t use the property to build schools or roads. They were selling these homes and the land to construction companies, who then built mansions that sold for millions of dollars.
ZeldaQueen: Because lord knows, children ages nine to twelve (the intended audience for this book) are going to know or care about eminent domain laws and the politics behind 'em.
And once again, I'm rubbing my head and trying to figure out who we are supposed to sympathize with. Clearly Stouffer intended for us to side with the "Army of the People" for fighting back against the government, except that Stouffer just told us that the government (which I'm assuming is supposed to be C.O.U.P, given how it's referred to in the singular form) was keeping the peace for an entire century, until the "Army of the People" started the conflict to begin with!
The government had become "Robinhood" for the rich,
ZeldaQueen: ...No. Just...no. Stouffer, having someone be Robinhood for the rich goes against the entire core of Robinhood, which was that he stole from the rich to give to the poor. It was Dennis Moore who stole from the poor to give to the rich!
and the "Army of the People" was determined to reclaim what belonged to ordinary citizens, but what they would really accomplish is the near total destruction of human life.
ZeldaQueen: So are we supposed to be rooting for the Army of the People? The government? Who? I'M SO CONFUSED!
Militia leaders were soon tracked down and imprisoned. Their families banished from communities, and their children shunned by others who were not willing to risk supporting them for fear of retribution.
ZeldaQueen: How terrible! I care so much, I think I'm going to fall asleep
Even though the governments’ military had been fairly successful causing damage to the "Army of the People" and their leadership, the determination that drove them had already lit the fire of insanity that surrounds every war.
ZeldaQueen: I know I ought to be more invested in this, but there are limits to my insanity. All I want to know is why "Army of the People" is always in quotes. Is it only allegedly an army of the people? Is it the people formerly known as Army? Throw me a bone here, Stouffer!
To most of Aura's citizens it appeared that all of this unrest had occurred suddenly, when it had actually taken generations of corruption and political maneuvering to tear apart the very fibers of the Constitutional Charter.
ZeldaQueen: Even though Stouffer herself made it sound like it happened suddenly, so yeah!
And was the implication supposed to be that there was some sort of conspiracy? Because if so, that's got to be the most glossed-over conspiracy I've ever read about
This Charter made democracy possible for all nations, and gave its citizens inalienable rights. It was masterfully written to insure that all citizens would have a voice in the control their governments, and was intended to prevent government intrusion into private beliefs and lives.
ZeldaQueen: So if the Constitutional Carter was so perfect, how did this all happen? And you already said this!
As government authorities began to interfere more with the lives of citizens, a world war unlike anything known to man was looming in the near future, but Aura’s citizens had no idea just how bad it would become for them.
ZeldaQueen: Because it wasn't bad before with the Army of the People or anything, nope!
I must confess, I strongly suspect that the Army of the People was one of the things she edited out of the prologue. I don't have a copy of the book to compare, but you could just take that entire part out and it would flow from the start to this bit without suffering at all. Granted, you could remove the entire first few chapters from this book and it wouldn't suffer in the slightest, but still...
Aura citizens had lived for generations untouched by any of the horrors they read about from history.
ZeldaQueen: And given how we know nothing about their history, that means so much to us!
They had been comfortable for so many years, and there was a part of them that believed that if any war did take place, it wouldn’t touch their homeland, nor would it really affect their lives in any big way. They had no way of knowing how wrong they were, until it was too late.
ZeldaQueen: You can just hear the "DUN, DUN, DUUUUUN" there.
And while it could be easy to sympathize with people who are so untouched by war that they see it as something they'll never have to deal with (they did something similar in Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day), there's no build-up or emotional connections to these putzes, so they just come across as really stupid
Average citizen’s, worldwide, firmly believed that C.O.U.P. had become a very ineffective organization to represent them.
ZeldaQueen: Hold on, hold on, DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY NO ONE SAW HOW INEFFECTIVE C.O.U.P. WAS UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE?
Also, the average citizen's whats? Apostrophes aren't just there to make the words look pretty, Stouffer
They still believed that even though they hadn’t done other things very well that they could and would prevent any threat of nuclear or biological weapons from ever becoming part of the doom and gloom of the war that was now spreading.
ZeldaQueen: So wait, they don't see that C.O.U.P. has gone corrupt, but they think it can't find its ass with both hands, but they think it still has things under control. These people are morons.
And I often find myself refering to a massive biological war as "doom and gloom". Really fits the mood
A war that was raging, and had now had reached the peaceful continent of Aura. Again, the citizen’s were not only wrong,
ZeldaQueen: The citizen's whats were not only wrong? Why does she keep doing that?
but they were completely unprepared for what would come next. War had cost them the freedom, and liberties they had worn as you would a comfortable pair of old shoes.
ZeldaQueen: What, smelly and covered in mud and dog feces?
The "Great Thirty Year War" would be recorded as the most vicious and evil in the history of Mankind.
ZeldaQueen: So naturally, it's only given passing mention.
And I can only assume that there's some character named "Mankind", because otherwise that word has no business being capitalized
Senseless battle, after battle, had nearly destroyed everything, everywhere.
ZeldaQueen: And the commas were horrifically slaughtered, the inhumanity!
Although the C.O.U.P. arms treaties had boasted the elimination of nuclear and biological weapons, it was the reassembly and use of such weapons that brought this anguishing war to a devastating conclusion.
ZeldaQueen: You know, I have to wonder how many nine to twelve-year-olds are going to understand about the politics behind the use of nuclear and biological weapons
Forest and valleys, farms and villages, lay in waste. Only barren battlegrounds were visible where beautiful estates had dotted the landscape, and productive farms once thrived. Here the lingering radiation made it nearly impossible for ordinary human life to be sustained.
ZeldaQueen: Dude, I had no idea Aura was located in Chernobyl!
Okay, that wasn't nice. I'm sorry
The nuclear holocaust had blanketed the sky with dark, poisonous clouds of radiation.
ZeldaQueen: Don't worry, while the sun can't get through that, the moon and stars apparently can. And I was unaware that radiation left clouds
The sun disappeared behind the radiated eclipse just as Aura citizens fled their homeland. Beaten, tired, and nearly starving, they deserted the ruins, leaving behind the imprisoned "have-nots" who had taken refuge in caves after the bombing had begun.
ZeldaQueen: How fortunate that there were caves for them to be abandoned in. And if they voluntarily hid in the caves, how does that count as imprisonment?
They were injured, and handicapped for many reasons. The unfortunate soul’s
ZeldaQueen: ...Okay, that's just basic grammar, Stouffer. How did you muck that one up?
who were considered to be ethnically impure, too old, or simply undesirable for one reason or the other, were abandoned.
ZeldaQueen: *eye twitch* Stouffer...the phrase "ethincally impure" should be handled very carefully in the best of cases. You shouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole
No mercy was shown to even the children of the abandoned citizens.
ZeldaQueen: So now I guess the noblility or whoever are supposed to be the bad guys? The Big Bad Government has pretty much been forgotten, after all
Their cries for help went unrecognized as they rang out with piercing screams for help.
ZeldaQueen: And they paged the Department of Redundancy Department until it became redundant
Despair painted their faces like a mask of terror.
ZeldaQueen: Well I guess things aren't too bad, if there's time for this Despair person to have face-painting
Moans of pain and anguish echoed in the air with dizzying repetitiveness, as the "have-nots" struggled to clear the debris from the entrance of their cavernous prisons.
ZeldaQueen: Question - why are they imprisoned at all? We're not told that there's a shortage of ships or escape routes or food. Why are they left behind, except to show that the rich folk are dicks?
The self-appointed "chosen-ones" gathered in crowds along the shoreline to escape on the few remaining cruise ships, where most of them had once enjoyed luxurious vacations with their families. Now all that these luxury liners represented to them was a way to escape Aura.
ZeldaQueen: Mm, escape via luxury liner. I must admit, that's a new one to me. And if there are multiple cruise ships, why is it so hard to find room for everyone? Does Stouffer not know how large a cruise ship can be?
They pushed and shoved, trampling one another like a stampede of cattle to secure their place on a vessel. Ladders and ropes, and planks of all kinds, were filled with people trying to crawl and climb aboard.
ZeldaQueen: Hilariously, the ships were all named Titanic and had booked Celene Dion as their evening entertainment. It did not end well
The ships captain’s
ZeldaQueen: DO YOU HAVE SOME MENTAL BLOCK ABOUT THE PLURAL?
had armed, and locked themselves inside control rooms to maintain absolute command of the vessel’s.
ZeldaQueen: *face palm* Apparently she does.
And that would certainly work. It's not like the captain has to move around or anything. Although I must wonder, are we supposed to think badly of the captain for keeping control like that? Because I don't. If these people are such douches, it seems perfectly reasonable to lock the control rooms so they won't mutiny or try to steer the ships wherever they want to go
As the ships filled to an overflowing capacity, the command was given to leave the port. Planks broke away from the ship decks, while desperate people futilely reached out for a helping hand to lift them aboard. Others were left still clinging to ropes and ladders that dangled along the sides of these iron ocean monsters.
ZeldaQueen: I have these hilarious images of people falling into the ocean with high-pitched shrieks, Loony Tune-style. Way to ruin drama, Stouffer
As the mammoth ships floated off to sea, the ropes and ladders were cut from their sides, dropping the desperate stowaway’s into the murky and stormy water, never to be seen again.
ZeldaQueen: Because these people are evil. Was that emphasized enough? They're the spawns of Satan and are evil, evil, evil!
It is hard to imagine that anyone left behind on Aura could have survived, but they did. The power of the human spirit was never more vivid than it is now, nearly five hundred years later.
ZeldaQueen: So...this all happened five hundred years ago? Is it safe to assume that this is an alternate dimension? Except that the narrator talks about it like it's happening in our world and - *head hurts*
Against all odds, a primitive generation of human beings would evolve.
ZeldaQueen: In five hundred years. Lack of logic and poor writing skills can do that, you see
"Muggles", ancestors of the "have-nots", survived the devastation of the war, and still thrive on Aura. They have never experienced the warmth of sunlight, nor the beauty of an evening sky filled with glittering stars.
ZeldaQueen: Then why does their "Muggle-bye" have a reference to the stars shining (or rather, "shinning")? Why does Golda's poem, written by her grandmother, talk about the sun?
And if the Muggles descended from the "have-nots", how the blooming heck are they their ancestors?
Their world is lit only by moonlight shining through a purple haze left behind by
ZeldaQueen: Jimmy Hendrix
nuclear warfare.
ZeldaQueen: Yes...nuclear warfare often leaves purple clouds of radiation. Silly us for not realizing that
"Muggles" look much like human babies, but none of them have hair. Their shoulders are narrow and delicate. They have round, plump bellies, which make their legs and arms look very thin.
ZeldaQueen: In other words, they look like horrifying variations of Teletubbies.
Also, how did we go from purple clouds of radiation to this?
"Muggles" have smooth, soft skin. At one time their skin was blue from the lack of sunlight and oxygen, but now they have creamy white, beige, or brown complexions, and little, pink cheeks. Even when full-grown they look like children.
ZeldaQueen: Okay, hold it, if they used to be blue from lack of sunlight and oxygen (and how would they survive with a lack of oxygen? Wouldn't the have-nots die before reproducing enough to evolve for that?) why would they then change to being white, beige, or brown? What changed? They still don't have any sunlight!
"Muggles" speak many different languages and understand all others, even those of the animals.
ZeldaQueen: After five hundred years of evolution, remember?
Some think "Muggles" voices sound faint, but that is because they are very tiny.
ZeldaQueen: Um...then their voices are faint. Their size really doesn't change that fact. How faint a sound is is a matter of perception
Their average height is three and one half feet.
ZeldaQueen: And yet there are pictures in the book of them riding ants and bees
The only knowledge the "Muggles" have of their ancestor’s, and the history of Aura, are the stories that have been passed down from generation, to generation. These stories are found within the pages of an historical ancestral diary known as the "Ancient Book of Tales".
ZeldaQueen: Which are conveniently specific when it comes to furthering the plot
The "Ancient Book of Tales" has become a record of every event that has taken place, or is taking place on Aura, and in the lives of the "Muggles". It describes traditions and survival methods, and records births, deaths, and achievements. Every "Muggle" child is educated by guidelines set forth in this book, and expected to live by the moral standards described in this historical diary. The tradition of record keeping continues to this very day, and is the "Muggles" only link to the past, their legacy to the future, and is the most treasured possession of the "Muggle" community.
ZeldaQueen: That and the Ancient Bong of Dude, What's that Thing...Got Something to Eat?
It has been said that history repeats itself,
ZeldaQueen: Much like the prose in this book
and many, many years after the "Great Thirty Year War", another nation was growing restless.
ZeldaQueen: It wanted to go outside and play, but there was still another half hour of physics to sit through
Their actions would bring about change that reached far beyond their borders, and would profoundly affect the lives of the "Muggles".
ZeldaQueen: Given what banal and idiotic lives the Muggles lead, it's safe to say that it's not that hard of a task to accomplish
In this distant land, the chilling sounds of a raging war echoed in the background-this land too, had nearly been destroyed by great wars-
ZeldaQueen: - and an over-usage - of commas
and so it was recorded in the Ancient Book of Tales-that in "The Year of the Purple Haze",
ZeldaQueen: People could kiss the sky
people had forgotten the power of love, and sought power in place of love.
A home may be of simple structure,
And yet yields more beauty than mansions;
For the timbers from forests of dreams,
That built this simple place,
ZeldaQueen: *vomits from sappiness*
May crumble to bits and pieces with age,
But the love that gives this home its grace,
Will keep flowing for years yet to come
ZeldaQueen: I do so love how we get hammered over the head with the Power of Love, yet we later see that Rah clearly didn't love Zyn enough to lift two fingers to save him
Down rivers and streams of time,
Quenching the thirsts of mankind,
ZeldaQueen: We are very vexed by all this rhyming/ We're still having trouble with our timing
Bathing your soul from time to time,
Healing the sick and mending the blind;
ZeldaQueen: This obvious attempt at word count pad/ Is simply contrived and very bad
For within your heart, not your mind,
Is where all love is truly defined,
ZeldaQueen: And Rah shows with his power of heart/ He's as sympathetic as an elephant's fart
And its symphony plays on and on,
Long, long after we have gone.
ZeldaQueen: And through frivolous lawsuit this book finds new life/ As well as lutzes and a good bit of strife
Christmas in the Realm: 2011