zelda_queen | Christmas In The Realm

'Twas three days before Christmas
And as we shall see
Shit was going down
In the Realm of Literacy

The sporkers were dreaming,
While leaving their cells,
Of salvation from working
In such literary hells

In the last sporking chamber
Sat a pissed ZeldaQueen
She was angrier than any
Of her viewers ever had seen

"Oh fudgeballs! Oh shitcock!
Motherfucker!" she spat
"Oh cuntwaffle! Oh pussball!
Oh bitchyfaced-twat!

I hate this damned job!
I won't spork any more!"
She screamed this with resolve
As she stormed t'wards the door

But before she could exit
A figure appeared
And it was no St. Nicolas
With red suit and white beard

This fellow was cloaked
With a black hood over his head
From his putrid odor
He seemed kind of dead

His breath - it was freezing!
His demeanor - how scary!
In his hands, oh-so-bony,
A scythe he did carry

Overall this man seemed
Decidedly grim
And ZeldaQueen screamed
When she laid eyes upon him

As she screamed for security
The figure, he spoke
And his voice was commanding
Though it was only a croak

"So you want to give up?"

Said the man, with a sneer
"You should know better than to try
At this time of year!

You made that pronouncement
At your own peril
Now it's time for our own
Parody Christmas Carol!

You didn't think of your viewers
Nor of your contract
Just tried to skip out of it all
What a selfish, selfish act!"

"Oh shut it!" said ZeldaQueen
"You can't stop me, I'm through!
What makes you think
I'm going to listen to you?

I've sporked all of Hush, Hush
And most of Child of Grace
They made me so angry
I nearly ripped off my face!

I'd like to reach thirty
With my blood vessels intact"
"Oh really?" asked the figure
"Is that a fact?

I know you love sporking
Don't pretend it's untrue
I know it for certain
Because I've been watching you

You can vent your frustrations
Even amidst all the strife"
"Fantastic," said ZeldaQueen
"Now there's a stalker in my life!

Good sir, I thank you
Now have a good day!
By that, I mean piss off
And please go away!"

"Nay!" cried the figure
"My mission is not done!
I shall remind you of joy
And of how sporking is fun!

I am the Ghost of Christmas Spork
I shall cure you of your woe!
And now, ZeldaQueen,
This you must know:

Three nights until Christmas
Those are all that remain!
You shall thus face three sporkings!
You shall known them by name!

On the Sporking of Past!
On the Sporking of Present!
On the Sporking of Future,
So bright and so pleasant!

You shall know all three
With minimal fuss
Now, go face your destiny!
Do not be a wuss!

To the Chamber of Spork!
To the glory of Lit!"
The Ghost of Christmas Spork cried
And then he up and split

Left alone in the chamber
ZeldaQueen was pissed off
Three days until Christmas!
Could this be pulled off?

There was no help for it,
The tasks must be done
She knew this, and so
She went to face her first one

Dear viewers, please join her
On her holiday trial
And may it bring you some cheer
All through the while

Hope you enjoyed this poem
And the rhyming didn't suck
Now watch this adventure unfold
And wish everyone luck!

Spork of Christmas Past

Spork of Christmas Present

Spork of Christmas Future

Finale

Return to the Sporking Chamber