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zelda_queen ([personal profile] zelda_queen) wrote2010-07-02 09:58 pm

The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner: Part 5

ZeldaQueen: Howdy-do everyone! Sorry about how long it's been, I've had some stuff going on. Zyn and Leah are off recovering, so it's just me today. Woot!

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 5


ZeldaQueen: Right. *flips through sporking notes* So when we last left Bitch and Ski - erm, Bree and Diego, they had begun to get as logical as folks in a Meyer tale get. Diego just proved that staking does nothing. Bree freaked out a whole lot.

Bree theorizes that the stake thing only works when humans do it. Lady, wake up! You're supposed to be a huge reader, it's not like no one's ever gone beyond vampire canon and played with the idea that "real" vampires aren't like the ones in myths! Anyway, there's already plenty of proof that that you aren't like mythical vampires! Those sorts of vampires have waxy skin and fangs and claws, if I recall. You are marble-ish with no fangs or claws at all.

Diego laughs at that and basically says that there's no way humans have that sort of power. Because humanity sucks. GAH!

Bree says that she didn't make up the stories and Diego suggests for the first time that the various vampire stories were, in fact, made up. No, you think??? Bree asks what of it, if the stories are made up. MAYBE IT MEANS THAT YOU'VE BEEN LIED TO! MAYBE IT MEANS THAT YOU AREN'T NEARLY AS LIMITED AS YOU THOUGHT, SO THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AWAY TO A SAFER PLACE! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, YOU PEOPLE HAVE ROCKS FOR BRAINS! HOLLOW ROCKS!!!

Diego says that he just wants to have everything straight in his head and that talking to someone helps. He tells Bree that he's "
really glad [she] came out tonight". Hey, wasn't it Diego and Riley who were in the closet? He then proposes that she be his "bestest bud forever", and I really don't think that teenagers from the ghetto talk like that. Heck, I don't think anyone talks like that. Bree gives him a high five and he holds her hand. She starts going on about how this is all so foreign and weird and I hate it for two reasons. The first is that it just reeks of Holly "I'm abused and twitch at physical contact" Potter and the second is this bit.

"
because the last three months were my whole life"

ZeldaQueen: I know Meyer was trying to go for the idea that Bree can't remember her human life at all and thus only has her three vampire months. But I don't buy it. Why? Because Bree seems to be able to draw up her human memories whenever she needs to for the plot. That coupled with the fact that Bree just hated her old life and was glad to be shot of it seems to send the usual "humans suck and vampires are so much better!" vibe.

They start fooling around and talking about how they're a private club and need a secret handshake. I'm sure that this again is Meyer trying to have them be casual and silly and I'm also sure that in a better-handled scenario, it would. But right now, it just feels like a light switch. Like Bree suddenly went from "overly hostile" to "silly weirdo". Anyway, they start trying to figure out if Riley is "
Clueless? Misinformed? Or lying?" Oh, so they're only worrying about that now? GAH! Anyway, we get another complete Big Lipped Alligator of a comment as Bree notes thus.

"
There was no change as he said Riley's name. In that instant, I was sure there was nothing to the stories about Diego and Riley. Diego had just been around more than the others, nothing more. I could trust him"

ZeldaQueen: *COUGH*

I think that speaks quite well for itself. Anyway, [livejournal.com profile] shaolina covered it already, quite nicely.

Bree points out that they must figure out Riley's agenda. Again, WHY DIDN'T YOU WONDER ABOUT THIS THREE MONTHS AGO, YOU DOOFUS? I mean, Jesus Christ! She's been talking since the beginning about how Riley doesn't care if they rip each other up or fight just so long as they don't get noticed, so it's pretty damned clear he wasn't just turning them into vampires because he thought it was a favor! Does vampire-ism cause partial lobotomies? Does it make one's brain juice turn to venom and cook the gray matter? What?

Diego agrees with Bree and decides that they need to try another experiment first. He starts digging upward and Bree starts to freak out once again at the thought of going into the sunlight. Lady, you already started to figure out that the myths don't apply! I can understand worrying about one's life, but this is starting to get ridiculous! Bree just keeps panicking though, and asks Diego to please knock it off, even though "
he would probably laugh, knowing he wouldn't listen". *Scratches head* Why is Meyer incapable of writing male love interests that aren't condescending asshats? And is it just me, or does it smack of Bella thinking how Edward bought her the armor-proof car and knew he'd laugh about it?

Diego just tells Bree to trust him and at the last minute, reveals that he's only going to let in a little sunlight, because "
[he's] not a reckless person". No, just a stupid one. Bree notes that Diego isn't going up in smoke from the secondhand light on him and decides that "maybe" he was telling the truth about hiding under trees before. Um, Bree? Why would he lie? Bree notices that Diego seems to start glowing as he leans closer to the light and oh joy, I was so looking forward to learning about this again. But of course Meyer just can't have him stick his hand in the light and get it over with. No, she pads it out and has Diego slowly move in as Bree freaks out and keeps thinking that he'll go up in smoke any second know. Meyer, dear, please listen. WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR VAMPIRES WHEN THEY GO INTO DIRECT SUNLIGHT! THERE IS NO POINT IN STRETCHING IT OUT! YES, BREE AND DIEGO DON'T KNOW, BUT WE DO! THUS, THERE IS NO TENSION FOR THIS! WE'RE NOT GOING TO THINK "OH GEE, MAYBE THIS ONE TIME THEY'LL ACTUALLY CATCH ON FIRE"! GET ON WITH IT!!!!!

*Sigh* Apparently Meyer is determined to ignore me, as Diego reaches into the sunlight and Bree football-tackles him out of the way. She feels warmth on her leg and sees that a dog is peeing on it it's stuck in the sunlight. AND SHE STILL THINKS SHE'S GOING TO DIE FROM THIS! DEAR GOD, THIS GIRL IS STUPID! And it JUST. WON'T. END!!!! Not even when she feels no pain, nope, she just closes her eyes and yanks her leg out of the light and keeps going on about woe is her, this is so much worse than when a random vampire named Jen ripped her one limb off, because her leg is surely ash and completely gone, even though she felt no pain or anything!!!!! AUGH!

Diego finally gets Bree to see that her leg is fine, and even then, Bree still is skeptical, saying that her leg doesn't hurt "
yet". Diego goes to stick his own hand into the light and tells her not to knock him over again, since they now know that sunlight doesn't kill them. Bree still is freaking out! *gnaws on fingers* FINALLY, we get a geyser of prose as Diego shoves his hand into the light beam and it starts sparkling. And SON OF A BITCH, Bree continues to freak out because the sunlight bounces off of Diego like he's a mirror or something and thus she has sunlight all over her. WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF, YOU STUPID TWAT?

Well, we get more gushing over how gorgeous Diego is, glowing like a prism, and how it's like he has mirrors all over his body, but is reflecting the sunlight with twice the intensity of a normal mirror. I'm...pretty sure that's not how it works. Diego suggests that Bree gives it a shot and she wants to, but still is freaked out. She also says that she's moving "
slow as a human", and I cannot wait for her to be offed at the end of this.

Bree stands in the light and OH MY GOD, she doesn't burn up either! What an amazing twist! She wonders if Riley was as misinformed as they were about the sunlight thing and wonders why, if he did know about it, he'd care if they knew or not. Excuse me for a minute, dear viewers. *clears throat*

MAYBE HE'S LYING TO YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!! MAYBE HE'S USING IT AS A WAY TO MANIPULATE AND CONTROL YOU! IF YOU DON'T GO OUT IN THE SUNLIGHT, THEN THAT LIMITS HOW FAR OR LONG YOU HAVE TO RUN AWAY! IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SO SUSPICIOUS OF DIEGO, THE GUY WHO WAS PERFECTLY NICE TO YOU AT THE BEGINNING, BUT TOTALLY TRUST THE GUY WHO DOESN'T CARE IF YOU GET KILLED OR RIPPED UP? GOD!!!!!

ZeldaQueen: Sorry about that. Anyway, Diego comments that the sparkling must have been the source of the myth that vampires go up in flames in sunlight, because "
[i]magine if you saw this when you were human. Wouldn't you think that the guy over there just burst into flames?" No, no I wouldn't. I would think that he was glowing like a nightlight, perhaps using some sort of special effect or chemical coating to make himself look like that. There is difference between light shining off of a person harmlessly like with mirrors and a person being set on fire. People on fire scream and run around and slowly turn black as their hair and clothes and skin go crispy. Anyone with half a brain could tell the difference, even back in the olden days. On another note, according to this site, it's a *ahem* myth that vampires burn in sunlight, and that most beliefs state that vampires go blind in the sun. My own knowledge of original vampire mythology is rather sketchy, but I do believe that the "burns in sunlight" thing is a Hollywood invention, along with turning into a bat.

I'm still in a bad mood, because Jesus H. Christ, Bree is still scared about going into sunlight! She follows Diego outside so he won't think she's a "
total chicken", but keeps freaking out. Even though she knows now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she won't die in sunlight.

HOW STUPID IS THIS BROAD?

Anyway, she tries to hand wave it by saying that she associates the sunlight with the fire she felt when she was turned into a vampire. I still don't buy it.

They get out of the hole and we get to the part of the story that you just know Meyer was itching to write. Bree looks at Diego and thinks "
the whole BFF thing was way off the mark. For me, anyway. It was just that fast". You know, given how Bree's been going on about how she has had nobody ever show her any affection before and how she's so suspicious of everyone, if I had someone in that position come on to me after one day of association, I'd assume that they were screwed up from isolation or something and gently try to remind them that they were most likely just crushing or stressed and needed to take more time to think it over. I mean, it just smacks of "we nearly died and could die any day now, so let's have sex!" But no, this is Meyerland, so of course it's True Love, gag me. And of course, Diego starts to stroke Bree's face and says that she's "[s]o pretty" and they really are the poor man's Bella and Edward, just standing there, staring at each other with minimal body contact. Bree also mentions that they're glowing like "glass torches", and because this is so boring, I find myself wondering why no one's noticed them yet. Oh wait, Bree hand waves it by saying that there were no boats, and even the "mud-eyed" humans could see them. Yep, really can't wait for her to die. I think I'll make popcorn for the occasion.

And, just like in Breaking Dawn, the weather miraculously changes at the most convenient moment, just for them. In this case, a cloud covers the sun and mostly dulls their glitter so the silly, weak-eyed humans wouldn't have a prayer of noticing them. Yes, that's pretty much how Bree says it. Meyer's so great at making characters that are easy to empathize with, isn't she?

But seriously, what the hell? They're in love now? After one day? One day? I'm sorry, but is Meyer incapable of writing a character who goes for one fucking day without finding her soul mate? I mean, how utterly convenient that the only male character who gets any development is the one Bree hooks up with! I need a freaking drink
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Onward to: Part 6

Back To: Part 4

Back to: Table of Contents

[identity profile] shaolina.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 02:32 am (UTC)(link)
Meyer needs to stop hating on humans. I keep hoping for a Buffy/Twilight/Soulless fanfic where Buffy, Alexia and Maccon just beat the crap out of the Twilight for hating on humans. Heck, add Van Helsing for good measure.

And for all of her talk of how weak we are, Bree does nothing but cower the whole time.


And oh, c'mon, you know this whole novella makes so much sense the way I see it. Bree's stupid, yes, but not completely. She's been abused (by Meyer's admission) to the point she is willing to change her whole reality to fit a happier vision. She purposely covers her ears and drowns the world away. So she takes Diego's scraps of affection as love and drowns on it and hold out for Riley's innocence to keep Diego happy (and thus handing scraps). While Diego gay and frustrated because his beau is messing around with Raoul and Victoria, even if he says otherwise. He wants to believe-- trust him to the fullest even if it cots him his life. He befriends Bree because she's the only one who doesn't want Riley nor hates him. He's looking for solace since being a black latino gay man in the ghetto can't be easy. And I pinpointed proof for pretty much everything there.

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 01:02 pm (UTC)(link)
I'll take your theory, if only because it's far more complex and interesting than what Meyer offers. ;)
carmyn: (Default)

[personal profile] carmyn 2010-07-03 04:36 am (UTC)(link)
Sorry, but I need to swear...

For fuck sakes Meyer, is it humanly impossible for you to write a female lead (well a female character in general) who doesn't have a brain that is a sack of hay? Yes, I know, 'BUT BELLA WAZ SMART!!!111!', she wasn't and there is plenty of evidence to back me up. Leah was smart, but you never touched her and wasted an awesome character, but too bad for you.
I know you are as dumb as a rock, but seriously? I know the internet is great and all, but you cannot utilize it properly. Go to a library.
You don't need to dumb down your characters to do a plot point. It's annoying and hack writing. Shut the fuck up you fucking published Suthor.

I'm done :D.

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 01:02 pm (UTC)(link)
*claps* Well said! Well said!

[identity profile] southerngaelic.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 07:43 am (UTC)(link)
And you know what's worse? It gets way, way, way stupider later on x(

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 01:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I know. XP Amazing, really.

[identity profile] aikaterini.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 03:30 pm (UTC)(link)
And Meyer said that Romeo and Juliet were "kind of idiots" because they didn't know each other very well when they got together. I know that this is supposed to be a novella and that we already know what will happen, but could you at least *try* to create some sort of believable, likable romance, Mrs. Meyer? "Love at first sight" sounds all well and good in a fairytale, but this is not a fairytale. This is supposed to be a book for young adults. I know that some people believe in "love at first sight," but I don't. I think that it's just a fancy way of saying "instant attraction" or "infatuation." Neither directly translate to "love."

I wondered this before about Bella and now I'm wondering the same thing about Meyer. Just why does she come across as so misanthropic in her books? I know that humanity has done a lot of stupid, horrible things and that we constantly make ourselves look bad, but why is there this persistent anti-human sentiment? Does it have to do with her religious beliefs or is it just her as a person? Because I'm really getting tired of her bashing humans just to glorify her vampires. Yes, human beings can be monsters. In fact, vampires can be seen as metaphors for just that. But when you bash every single human who comes along, even if they're perfectly nice and harmless, then I have to wonder what's wrong.

[identity profile] shaolina.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 04:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I agree on the "love a first sight" trope. I'm sorry but I feel it's a cheap way of making a couple. Two people are in love because the author said so is not going to make me believe it. At most I can believe in liking somebody at first sight if the object of affection was doing something that has been established that the character likes (For example have a girl argue in favor of a movie the main character likes in a funny way). If not then it's just lust and it's trying to pass as something more. Heck, the reason I love "The light princess" fairy tale so much it's because mr. picky prince falls for the imperfect heroine at first sight of her calling him a series of insults (which is more than other fairy tales gives us)

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 07:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Agreed. If you're going to pull the "love at first sight" card, you'd better make it damned convincing.

[identity profile] shaolina.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 03:25 am (UTC)(link)
I'd rather not even pull it at all (but won't hate authors when they use it as long as they develop the relationship further than that). Then again, I'm very picky with romance.

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 03:39 am (UTC)(link)
I tend to think "love at first sight" could more accurately be described as "lust at first sight, love develops". Because that's what it is. Someone going "OMG, they're gorgeous!" and only later starting to hang out with them, learn who they are as a person, bond with then, etc.

[identity profile] shaolina.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 04:02 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, with that I can live. What I don't like is when two people run off to get married or swear eternal love without having even talked for real. That kind of love at first sight makes me want to barf. How can you love somebody when you don't even know them?


(Hey, about the book, I think I can start editing next week at the usual pace. I have to see because I just got two jobs this week and it is eating my time. I don't even think I'll be able to finish the story for the contest anymore)

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 04:19 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah, that I agree does suck.

(TWO jobs? O_o Dang it, how do you do that, job pheromones? Well anyway, there's no rush anymore, not until December. So yeah, don't stress out.)

[identity profile] shaolina.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 04:28 am (UTC)(link)
I'm freelance, sweetie. XD I take them as they come.

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 04:28 am (UTC)(link)
Ah, I see. XD Well, best of luck with them.

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-03 07:45 pm (UTC)(link)
That's just it - Meyer only left us with one day or so to tell the story of Bree. I know this was just a rough sketch she doodled out, but if she was going to publish the thing, couldn't she be bothered to expand it?

"Just why does she come across as so misanthropic in her books?"

I noticed the same thing, and I almost wonder if Meyer has some issue with connecting to people. Like she immersed herself in how humans would look to a vampire, and somehow didn't realize that it makes her characters foreign and impossible to relate to.

[identity profile] kawaiicow.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 10:49 am (UTC)(link)
Lordy, Meyer's ignorance just shines through here. You can tell that she has never picked up a vampire book (except the L.J. Smith Nightworld series, but I won't go into that theory right now). Even in 'Dracula', the titular vampire can go out during the day (that myth came from 'Nosferatu'). Meyer dosen't get that vampire mythology is vast, varied and often contradictary and thet the idea that 'the traditional myths are all wrong' is more of a cliche (pretend there is an accent) than following most of the established rules.

And God, these people are stupid. It says alot about the author and many of the fans if the only conflict comes from people holding the 'idiot ball'.

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 02:12 pm (UTC)(link)
Nightworld series theory? Do those vampires glitter? XD

I know, that's pretty much the easiest thing to do, saying "oh, the myths were a lie/mistake/misconception, this is how it really works". If anything, Bree ought to realize that, given how she's supposed to be chewing through a library.

[identity profile] kawaiicow.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 07:43 pm (UTC)(link)
I have only read 2 of the night world books, but they are a young adult series by an American author; L.J. Smith that has a number of elements in common with Twilight:
Lots of small American towns
Vampires can go out in the day
They can read minds and some of them can see the future
Werewolves are actually shapeshifters
They hate vampires
Secret societies and a supernatural creature only island
Soulmates
Redemption
And so on and so forth. The main reason I suspect something is up is because my 13 year old Mary-Sue fantasies were spawned from this series and they were rather similar to the Twilight series *cringe*. They are better books though.

[identity profile] zelda-queen.livejournal.com 2010-07-04 11:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Huh, I'll have to look those up. Some of that stuff seems pretty standard fare for vampires (like being able to go out during the day and the like), but still...