zelda_queen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zelda_queen) wrote2010-05-22 03:31 pm
zelda_queen) wrote2010-05-22 03:31 pm
The Legend Of Rah And The Muggles: Chapter Two - The Light
ZeldaQueen: More boring and totally implausible plot, ahoy!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter Two: The Light
ZeldaQueen: When we last left off, the twin babies of Lady Catherine (who will never be heard from again) were launched to sea with naught but a silk quilt that quickly vanishes and a box of jewels. I'd like to repeat this point so that we can all remember it in a few seconds - they have no food, no water, no protection aside from the quilt (which isn't even there anymore, so far as I can tell), no one to keep them on the raft, no straps holding them on board, and no way to change their poop (the illustrations show that they have no diapers). Right. Let's get cracking.
Well we start off with the twins, who are apparently happy as can be on the raft. It seems that the rocking of the ocean gets them to sleep for eight days straight. Wait, what? Eight days? Really? With no food or water or cleaning up after them? And they're perfectly happy? Bull, I say!
Well, Stouffer apparently caught on to the fact that she's writing out of her butt and promptly brings in a bit of deus ex machina in the form of Naddie and Neddi, "spooners of the deep" from "the Sea of Nebula". The heck? Spoilers folks - we're never actually told what spooners of the deep are, nor are we told where the Sea of Nebula is, what the people who live there are like, or why these two are even here to begin with. They're described as looking "misty", and that's about all we get. I can only assume that they're like mermaids from Atlantis or something. To further spoil, they never show up again either, so I guess it doesn't really matter. In any case, they bring bottles of some unspecified liquid - probably milk, but you could pretend it's blood or cow urine or something if you're really bored - and feed the babies. Because that's all it would take to nourish two infants after eight days without food or drink or care. Oh, and they call the kids "bahbies". As do the characters that show up later in the chapter. As does Stouffer. No, I have no idea why.
Anyway, Naddie and Neddie feed the babies and swim off and the kids sleep for two more days, meaning that they're on their eleventh day now. And this time, they're interrupted by a large, talking sea cow named Benjamin. Hooray? Benjamin talks with an incredibly annoying stutter, which makes it sound like he's constantly having the wind knocked out of him. Example, "'Well, wha - wha - what do ya know a - a - about dat' It's the ba - bah - bahbies Naddie and Neddie were tal - talking ah - about,' he stammered to himself". And no, I didn't screw up the quotes there. Stouffer basically switches to an internal monologue about half a sentence in, and he still stutters when he talks to himself! Wow! And we never really find out how Benjamin here knows about Naddie or Neddie, or why the irresponsible twits left the babies alone for two days without finding someone to keep an eye on them. Anyway, Benjamin gasps on about how there's a storm a-coming and thus starts dragging the raft towards "the Southern Sea of Nu". Hmm, I keep reading that as "Nyu".
ZeldaQueen: Not long after this all happens, we're joined by yet another annoying, talking animal - Buddy the barracuda. What. Oh, and Buddy talks with a New York accent. LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHY, OKAY? Just, for whatever reason, Stouffer thought that we'd like to jump from Benjamin's gasping to stuff like "Yo - Benjamin! What do ya got there?". Me personally, I'm just reminded of Monty Python parodying children's tales. Apparently Ms Stouffer didn't get the memo that some animals and dialects just don't translate to "whimsical". Anyway, Buddy is all "faget aboud it" and helps Benjamin drag the raft along. I'm still not entirely certain where they're going, since as far as I know, they're all still in the middle of the ocean. Eventually Buddy comes to a halt and we still aren't told the destination, so it really just sounds like they pulled the raft two feet and figured that it was far enough. We also aren't told why the babies are still on the stupid thing and weren't yanked off when they were being dragged around like child's toy boat on a string. Anyway, Buddy stops pulling and for some reason complains about how fat and heavy Benjamin is. Specifically, he says "[he] nearly busted a fin tuggin' [his] lard". Because that just fits right with the fairy tale setting we're in.
But the fun doesn't end here, because Porchia the Porpoise arrives! No, so far as I know, there still is no point to any of this. She, thankfully, doesn't have a silly accent. On the other hand, everyone seems to regard her as the "annoying" character. I personally fail to see any evidence of this, as she doesn't come across as any more annoying than the rest of these people, but then this is honestly the only time we'll ever meet her so it's not like we get much to go by. Buddy, in any case, can't stand her guts and complains about how she's a busybody who asks too many questions. Thank God, her presence is enough to make him leave. I actually am starting to warm up to Porchia. Now if only she can get rid of Benjamin.
Porchia shows up and is supposed to be the childish, silly character, complete with a greeting of "Whatcha doin'?" So I guess we're supposed to be thinking of Dee Dee, from Dexter's Lab? Anyway, she is of course "cutely" oblivious to Buddy's disgust with her and asks why he's swimming away when she shows up. We also get some pointless dribble about how Benjamin is one of the few sea animals who can stand Porchia, because "Th - there is g - ga - good in ev - ev - everyone". Thank you for those kind words, Forest Gump. Porchia is apparently psychic or the ocean has a really good communications system, because she too knows about Naddie and Neddie's bahbies and got some "Ocean Cherubs" to protect them. I think it goes without saying by now that we don't ever find out what Ocean Cherubs are or what good they'd do or why only now they're being brought in for protection. Thank the lord, Porchia goes off and Benjamin leaves for a nap and that's the last we ever see of them.
On the twelfthnight day, Naddie and Neddie show up to feed the twins, since clearly these are magical babies that don't need to be fed every day and have hibernation periods instead. They inform the children that their journey is almost over and that they will part ways here. Because clearly those two have been so caring and diligent with the infants.
We finally get mention of the sun beating down on the babies, but it's only for an exceptionally stupid plot point. Remember those jewels that Lady Catherine left on the raft with the twins? The sunlight is somehow absorbed into them. And no, that wasn't me summarizing, that is literally the explanation Stouffer gives. So now the box of jewels is glowing, "as if the sun were following the boys on their journey" and amazingly, this will be relevant in the next chapter. So this is what the chapter title was referring to! If Stouffer ever decides to sue again, she can go after Meyer for copying her terrible chapter titles that have very little to do with the plots. And what do you know? The raft has found its way to Aura, the home of the Muggles! I wonder how this is going to turn out?
And I know you viewers have probably already figured this out, but no one in this chapter (besides the babies) will ever be seen again. So if you hated them, take comfort. I honestly don't know why Stouffer bothered trying to establish things like Benjamin caring for Porchia, if she's just going to drop both in a few paragraphs. I guess this here is proof that half-baked characterization isn't necessarily better than none at all...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Onward to: Chapter Three: The Arrival
Back to: Chapter One: The House Of Sheridan
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Two: The Light
ZeldaQueen: When we last left off, the twin babies of Lady Catherine (who will never be heard from again) were launched to sea with naught but a silk quilt that quickly vanishes and a box of jewels. I'd like to repeat this point so that we can all remember it in a few seconds - they have no food, no water, no protection aside from the quilt (which isn't even there anymore, so far as I can tell), no one to keep them on the raft, no straps holding them on board, and no way to change their poop (the illustrations show that they have no diapers). Right. Let's get cracking.
Well we start off with the twins, who are apparently happy as can be on the raft. It seems that the rocking of the ocean gets them to sleep for eight days straight. Wait, what? Eight days? Really? With no food or water or cleaning up after them? And they're perfectly happy? Bull, I say!
Well, Stouffer apparently caught on to the fact that she's writing out of her butt and promptly brings in a bit of deus ex machina in the form of Naddie and Neddi, "spooners of the deep" from "the Sea of Nebula". The heck? Spoilers folks - we're never actually told what spooners of the deep are, nor are we told where the Sea of Nebula is, what the people who live there are like, or why these two are even here to begin with. They're described as looking "misty", and that's about all we get. I can only assume that they're like mermaids from Atlantis or something. To further spoil, they never show up again either, so I guess it doesn't really matter. In any case, they bring bottles of some unspecified liquid - probably milk, but you could pretend it's blood or cow urine or something if you're really bored - and feed the babies. Because that's all it would take to nourish two infants after eight days without food or drink or care. Oh, and they call the kids "bahbies". As do the characters that show up later in the chapter. As does Stouffer. No, I have no idea why.
Anyway, Naddie and Neddie feed the babies and swim off and the kids sleep for two more days, meaning that they're on their eleventh day now. And this time, they're interrupted by a large, talking sea cow named Benjamin. Hooray? Benjamin talks with an incredibly annoying stutter, which makes it sound like he's constantly having the wind knocked out of him. Example, "'Well, wha - wha - what do ya know a - a - about dat' It's the ba - bah - bahbies Naddie and Neddie were tal - talking ah - about,' he stammered to himself". And no, I didn't screw up the quotes there. Stouffer basically switches to an internal monologue about half a sentence in, and he still stutters when he talks to himself! Wow! And we never really find out how Benjamin here knows about Naddie or Neddie, or why the irresponsible twits left the babies alone for two days without finding someone to keep an eye on them. Anyway, Benjamin gasps on about how there's a storm a-coming and thus starts dragging the raft towards "the Southern Sea of Nu". Hmm, I keep reading that as "Nyu".
ZeldaQueen: Not long after this all happens, we're joined by yet another annoying, talking animal - Buddy the barracuda. What. Oh, and Buddy talks with a New York accent. LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHY, OKAY? Just, for whatever reason, Stouffer thought that we'd like to jump from Benjamin's gasping to stuff like "Yo - Benjamin! What do ya got there?". Me personally, I'm just reminded of Monty Python parodying children's tales. Apparently Ms Stouffer didn't get the memo that some animals and dialects just don't translate to "whimsical". Anyway, Buddy is all "faget aboud it" and helps Benjamin drag the raft along. I'm still not entirely certain where they're going, since as far as I know, they're all still in the middle of the ocean. Eventually Buddy comes to a halt and we still aren't told the destination, so it really just sounds like they pulled the raft two feet and figured that it was far enough. We also aren't told why the babies are still on the stupid thing and weren't yanked off when they were being dragged around like child's toy boat on a string. Anyway, Buddy stops pulling and for some reason complains about how fat and heavy Benjamin is. Specifically, he says "[he] nearly busted a fin tuggin' [his] lard". Because that just fits right with the fairy tale setting we're in.
But the fun doesn't end here, because Porchia the Porpoise arrives! No, so far as I know, there still is no point to any of this. She, thankfully, doesn't have a silly accent. On the other hand, everyone seems to regard her as the "annoying" character. I personally fail to see any evidence of this, as she doesn't come across as any more annoying than the rest of these people, but then this is honestly the only time we'll ever meet her so it's not like we get much to go by. Buddy, in any case, can't stand her guts and complains about how she's a busybody who asks too many questions. Thank God, her presence is enough to make him leave. I actually am starting to warm up to Porchia. Now if only she can get rid of Benjamin.
Porchia shows up and is supposed to be the childish, silly character, complete with a greeting of "Whatcha doin'?" So I guess we're supposed to be thinking of Dee Dee, from Dexter's Lab? Anyway, she is of course "cutely" oblivious to Buddy's disgust with her and asks why he's swimming away when she shows up. We also get some pointless dribble about how Benjamin is one of the few sea animals who can stand Porchia, because "Th - there is g - ga - good in ev - ev - everyone". Thank you for those kind words, Forest Gump. Porchia is apparently psychic or the ocean has a really good communications system, because she too knows about Naddie and Neddie's bahbies and got some "Ocean Cherubs" to protect them. I think it goes without saying by now that we don't ever find out what Ocean Cherubs are or what good they'd do or why only now they're being brought in for protection. Thank the lord, Porchia goes off and Benjamin leaves for a nap and that's the last we ever see of them.
On the twelfth
We finally get mention of the sun beating down on the babies, but it's only for an exceptionally stupid plot point. Remember those jewels that Lady Catherine left on the raft with the twins? The sunlight is somehow absorbed into them. And no, that wasn't me summarizing, that is literally the explanation Stouffer gives. So now the box of jewels is glowing, "as if the sun were following the boys on their journey" and amazingly, this will be relevant in the next chapter. So this is what the chapter title was referring to! If Stouffer ever decides to sue again, she can go after Meyer for copying her terrible chapter titles that have very little to do with the plots. And what do you know? The raft has found its way to Aura, the home of the Muggles! I wonder how this is going to turn out?
And I know you viewers have probably already figured this out, but no one in this chapter (besides the babies) will ever be seen again. So if you hated them, take comfort. I honestly don't know why Stouffer bothered trying to establish things like Benjamin caring for Porchia, if she's just going to drop both in a few paragraphs. I guess this here is proof that half-baked characterization isn't necessarily better than none at all...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Onward to: Chapter Three: The Arrival
Back to: Chapter One: The House Of Sheridan
Back to: Table of Contents
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And the manati stutters in his mind?!
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A porpoise, I can understand; cetaceans are highly intelligent animals, and with proper radiation poison -- sorry, 'evolution' -- they could feasibly realize the babies (sorry, 'bahbies') are sons of man and drag them to the closest humanoid civilization.
A manatee, though? I love manatees to death, myself (I'm Floridian, it's, like, an obligation), but the aren't exactly geniuses and they aren't exactly the most capable of animals, being large and slow-moving and all.
And a barracuda? Are you kidding me? Barracudas are vicious. They'll mostly leave you alone if you're swimming out there, but if you got anything shiny, they will try and snap it up. And these babies apparently have a god-damn chest FULL of shiny things. That barracuda should have inadvertently slaughtered them trying to get at the shinies.
So seriously she's wasted two chapters talking about characters that don't matter when she could have summarized everything in maybe three pages of narrative exposition, at most, and gotten on with the stupid story already? My god. The only thing I can remotely hope is that these characters were supposed to come back later in the series that never got written, but that's such small consolation...
no subject
God only knows what she had in mind for these questions. Naddie and Neddie do ask for the babies to dream about them so that they can meet again, so maybe that's supposed to be some lame attempt at her foreshadowing. I have no idea.
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Not to mention that the accent seems really out of place in a fairy-tale setting.
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Given how the plot goes, I'm not entirely certain she knows that. O_o
no subject
(Anonymous) 2010-12-30 01:27 am (UTC)(link)Buh...?
The term 'Spooners of the Deep' just puts me in mind of two love-struck chicks with fishtails, smooching in the deep blue sea. While maybe not child-friendly, it could potentially have made this piece of crap a tad more interesting. Although, in the hands of this author? Nah.
Ah, Stouffer? One teensy tiny thing more. Babies, all babies, but especially newborns, are frail, helpless little things, with a need for constant care and protection. Leaving them unattended for an hour is a Bad Idea. Know what state they'd be in after nearly two weeks? They'd be dead and rotting. Unpleasant to hear? Certainly. But maybe it'll be able to shock your brain into gear. Geeze, woman!
Re: Buh...?
I just had an image of them with big silver spoons. XD
If it were more obvious that Stouffer was parodying or drawing from traditional fairy tales, I could almost buy it. There are a bunch of fairy tales in which the characters, especially babies, are left alone or floated down rivers or whatnot and are perfectly fine. Here though...you're right, they'd be dead as doornails.
It's a lot better if...
(Anonymous) 2011-12-15 07:01 am (UTC)(link)Re: It's a lot better if...