zelda_queen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zelda_queen) wrote2010-02-26 09:53 pm
zelda_queen) wrote2010-02-26 09:53 pm
Breaking Dawn: Chapter 14 - You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires
Projection Room Voices: Ready to start again after your break?
ZeldaQueen: Yes, my "break", in which you forced me to spork another of Halcyon's nudist Mary Sue fics.
Projection Room Voices: It still counts.
Chapter 14: You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires
ZeldaQueen: Once again, what is it with these titles? These sound exactly like sitcom rip-offs! Meyer, that's not a good thing.
Right. Well, Jacob is homeless and clothing-less with only his pack and the vampires supporting him. He's still guarding Bella who has become rather vanished during the last few chapters, quite an accomplishment when you consider that she's the main character. Jake finds a pile of clothes on the porch and it turns out that Edward left it there for him. It's tan pants and a button-down shirt and Jake figures it used to be Emmett's.
It was hard not being able to just jet back home and grab another pair of old sweatpants when I needed them. The homeless thing again–not having anyplace to go back to. No possessions, either, which wasn't bothering me too bad now, but would probably get annoying soon.
So anyway, Jacob puts on the clothes and goes inside where he finds Bella and Edward on the sofa, Bella all bundled up and with an IV in her arm. She gets a huge smile on her face when Jacob comes in and he starts to angst and wonder why on earth she's happy to see him when she's happily married to Edward.
*holds head* NOT ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE ROMANTIC, YOU PUTZ! ARE YOU SO DENSE THAT YOU WON'T ACCEPT THAT SHE CONSIDERS YOU A FRIEND?
Jacob briefs Edward on the meeting with the other wolves and Edward reveals that he heard it, despite the fact that they were a good three miles away. We get some talk about how Edward can hear Jacob a little better because of "familiarity and concentration" and it's all really useless. Bella suggests that Jacob get some sleep and Rosalie comes in as Jacob leaves, just in time for him to get in a blonde joke. Get used to them folks, Meyer more or less uses Rosalie as this book's whipping boy/girl for her blonde hatred. Edward chuckles at Jacob insulting Rosalie - isn't she Edward's sister? - and Rosalie shouts back that she's heard that one already. Go her, I'll take any woman in this series that doesn't cower at idiotic offensiveness.
Jacob goes outside to crash but Edward goes running out after him. He catches Jacob by the arm and declares his undying love to him and Jacob is shocked because he thought Edward never noticed him and the two run off together and leave Bella in the dust.
No, sorry, imagination overload there. Instead, Edward catches Jacob and tells him that he overheard in the conversation with Jared how Jacob and his pack were homeless (for no good reason! *snarls*). It turns out that Esme found out about this and it was just too much for the domestic and motherly lady. “The homeless part, particularly. She's very upset that you are all so… bereft.” Bereft? Really? That's the best way you could think of to say "Esme's upset that you are all so deprived?" Anyway, Esme's so worried on behalf of their guardian wolves and insists that they know that they are welcome to the vast amounts of human food kept in the Cullen household for "Keeping up appearances". You know, there are probably starving kids in Zimbabwe who'd love to have that food. The same offer goes for clothes, as "Alice rarely allows us to wear the same thing twice. We've got piles of brand-new clothes that are destined for Goodwill, and I'd imagine that Leah is fairly close to Esme's size" You know, waste issues aside (at least they specified they're sending it to Goodwill instead of throwing it all out), Alice rarely allows them to wear the same thing twice? So she basically forces the Cullens to dress the way she wants? Good lord, she really is a female version of Edward, isn't she? I don't know how they put up with her. If my sister tried to make me never wear the same thing twice, I'd be like "Screw you, this is my favorite cashmere sweater and I'm wearing it again! *snuggles*"
This conversation is cut off when they hear a scream of pain from the house and both dudes go running in to see what's up. It turns out that the fetus has broken a rib. How much is this thing moving around? And if it's so strong, how is it not tearing open her stomach right now? And if it's still inside because of that ultra-protective membrane, how is it able to kick through to break a rib? Whatever. Carlisle takes her upstairs for an X-ray. Yes, of course he has an X-ray machine upstairs. Although considering how hard it is to break a vampire's bones, I really have to wonder why he does have it. Is it just into collecting medical devices or something?
Jacob stays in the room and is joined by Alice. Remember Alice? I won't blame you if you don't, she has been virtually nonexistent lately, along with Jasper and Emmett. I'm guessing it's because Meyer just couldn't think of what to do with them, since she needs Carlisle to care for Bella, Rosalie to protect her, and Esme and Edward to hover over her in a panic. Anyway, apparently we at least get an excuse for Alice's hiding (more than we get for Jasper and Emmett). It seems that she cannot see the future of the fetus and thus it is screwing with her ability to see Bella's future as well. This somehow is giving her a massive headache which hanging around Jacob fixes.
ZeldaQueen: Seriously folks, if you're still expecting Alice's powers to make sense, you're a bit delusional. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Oh, and Alice comments that there's something that Jacob has in common with the fetus in regards to her future-seeing and Jacob angrily insists that there's nothing that he has in common with the death spawn.
ZeldaQueen: Jacob falls asleep and wakes up to find that Seth is in the house, cheerfully eating cinnamon buns and bacon and sitting next to Bella. He also has his arm slung around her, which really gets Jacob angry.
Dude. She is not your Precious.
Edward explains that Bella got cold and Seth was warming her up. Seth realizes that Jacob was getting upset and removes his arm. And I might remind the audience that Jacob was the one who crawled into a sleeping bag with Bella to warm her up in Eclipse, so he's got no business getting bothered by Seth putting his arm around her. Jacob has apparently heard me, because he thinks "Right. None of my business, anyway. She didn't belong to me."
*coughs* Yeah. Seth tells Jacob that it's "bout dawn", which I guess is the closest we're getting to a title drop here. Jacob starts rhapsodizing about how Bella is looking so much healthier, specifically about the pink in her lips and the shine in her hair. Oh, and she's still drinking blood although she insists that omelets are for breakfast. Meyer, that joke is really getting old fast. Seth mentions that he brought Leah food, but she insisted that she'd rather eat roadkill. Jacob opts to join her.
As he goes off to hunt, Carlisle asks what the deal is with the treaty, since his family will have to go off and get some animals to nom on themselves. Jacob tells them that Sam will probably concentrate on protecting La Push and will take a "shoot first" policy if any vampires are caught. Go for La Push, Edward! I hear the deer are really tasty! Esme freaks out and starts begging Jacob to bring some people food with him. He mentions that she reminds him of his mother. Huh, so the pasty white vampire woman reminds him of his Native American mother who died so long ago that he seems to not remember her too much. Interesting.
Bella asks Jake to come back later, saying “Please? I might get cold.” You tease, no wonder he got freaked out over Seth!
ZeldaQueen: And that's that. I apologize, dear viewers, for a very boring session, however nothing happened here. Just wandering around and angsting and more confirmations of what's going on. I can only hope that something interesting happens in the next chapter. Does it?
Projection Room Voices: Erm...
ZeldaQueen: Jesus!
Projection Room Voices: If you're that bored, we can provide you with some other sporking projects to pass the time.
ZeldaQueen: *sighs* When this is over, I'm taking a three week vacation.
Onward to: Chapter 15: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
Back to: Chapter 13: Good Thing I've Got A Strong Stomach
Return to: Table of Contents
ZeldaQueen: Yes, my "break", in which you forced me to spork another of Halcyon's nudist Mary Sue fics.
Projection Room Voices: It still counts.
ZeldaQueen: Just get started.
Projection Room Voices: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 14: You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires
ZeldaQueen: Once again, what is it with these titles? These sound exactly like sitcom rip-offs! Meyer, that's not a good thing.
Right. Well, Jacob is homeless and clothing-less with only his pack and the vampires supporting him. He's still guarding Bella who has become rather vanished during the last few chapters, quite an accomplishment when you consider that she's the main character. Jake finds a pile of clothes on the porch and it turns out that Edward left it there for him. It's tan pants and a button-down shirt and Jake figures it used to be Emmett's.
It was hard not being able to just jet back home and grab another pair of old sweatpants when I needed them. The homeless thing again–not having anyplace to go back to. No possessions, either, which wasn't bothering me too bad now, but would probably get annoying soon.
ZeldaQueen: Again, why can't he go home? Is Billy really so cruel that he'd let his youngest child and only son walk around naked and hungry rather than let him in for a pair of sweatpants?
So anyway, Jacob puts on the clothes and goes inside where he finds Bella and Edward on the sofa, Bella all bundled up and with an IV in her arm. She gets a huge smile on her face when Jacob comes in and he starts to angst and wonder why on earth she's happy to see him when she's happily married to Edward.
*holds head* NOT ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE ROMANTIC, YOU PUTZ! ARE YOU SO DENSE THAT YOU WON'T ACCEPT THAT SHE CONSIDERS YOU A FRIEND?
Jacob briefs Edward on the meeting with the other wolves and Edward reveals that he heard it, despite the fact that they were a good three miles away. We get some talk about how Edward can hear Jacob a little better because of "familiarity and concentration" and it's all really useless. Bella suggests that Jacob get some sleep and Rosalie comes in as Jacob leaves, just in time for him to get in a blonde joke. Get used to them folks, Meyer more or less uses Rosalie as this book's whipping boy/girl for her blonde hatred. Edward chuckles at Jacob insulting Rosalie - isn't she Edward's sister? - and Rosalie shouts back that she's heard that one already. Go her, I'll take any woman in this series that doesn't cower at idiotic offensiveness.
Jacob goes outside to crash but Edward goes running out after him. He catches Jacob by the arm and declares his undying love to him and Jacob is shocked because he thought Edward never noticed him and the two run off together and leave Bella in the dust.
No, sorry, imagination overload there. Instead, Edward catches Jacob and tells him that he overheard in the conversation with Jared how Jacob and his pack were homeless (for no good reason! *snarls*). It turns out that Esme found out about this and it was just too much for the domestic and motherly lady. “The homeless part, particularly. She's very upset that you are all so… bereft.” Bereft? Really? That's the best way you could think of to say "Esme's upset that you are all so deprived?" Anyway, Esme's so worried on behalf of their guardian wolves and insists that they know that they are welcome to the vast amounts of human food kept in the Cullen household for "Keeping up appearances". You know, there are probably starving kids in Zimbabwe who'd love to have that food. The same offer goes for clothes, as "Alice rarely allows us to wear the same thing twice. We've got piles of brand-new clothes that are destined for Goodwill, and I'd imagine that Leah is fairly close to Esme's size" You know, waste issues aside (at least they specified they're sending it to Goodwill instead of throwing it all out), Alice rarely allows them to wear the same thing twice? So she basically forces the Cullens to dress the way she wants? Good lord, she really is a female version of Edward, isn't she? I don't know how they put up with her. If my sister tried to make me never wear the same thing twice, I'd be like "Screw you, this is my favorite cashmere sweater and I'm wearing it again! *snuggles*"
This conversation is cut off when they hear a scream of pain from the house and both dudes go running in to see what's up. It turns out that the fetus has broken a rib. How much is this thing moving around? And if it's so strong, how is it not tearing open her stomach right now? And if it's still inside because of that ultra-protective membrane, how is it able to kick through to break a rib? Whatever. Carlisle takes her upstairs for an X-ray. Yes, of course he has an X-ray machine upstairs. Although considering how hard it is to break a vampire's bones, I really have to wonder why he does have it. Is it just into collecting medical devices or something?
Jacob stays in the room and is joined by Alice. Remember Alice? I won't blame you if you don't, she has been virtually nonexistent lately, along with Jasper and Emmett. I'm guessing it's because Meyer just couldn't think of what to do with them, since she needs Carlisle to care for Bella, Rosalie to protect her, and Esme and Edward to hover over her in a panic. Anyway, apparently we at least get an excuse for Alice's hiding (more than we get for Jasper and Emmett). It seems that she cannot see the future of the fetus and thus it is screwing with her ability to see Bella's future as well. This somehow is giving her a massive headache which hanging around Jacob fixes.
ZeldaQueen: Seriously folks, if you're still expecting Alice's powers to make sense, you're a bit delusional. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Oh, and Alice comments that there's something that Jacob has in common with the fetus in regards to her future-seeing and Jacob angrily insists that there's nothing that he has in common with the death spawn.
ZeldaQueen: Jacob falls asleep and wakes up to find that Seth is in the house, cheerfully eating cinnamon buns and bacon and sitting next to Bella. He also has his arm slung around her, which really gets Jacob angry.
Dude. She is not your Precious.
Edward explains that Bella got cold and Seth was warming her up. Seth realizes that Jacob was getting upset and removes his arm. And I might remind the audience that Jacob was the one who crawled into a sleeping bag with Bella to warm her up in Eclipse, so he's got no business getting bothered by Seth putting his arm around her. Jacob has apparently heard me, because he thinks "Right. None of my business, anyway. She didn't belong to me."
*coughs* Yeah. Seth tells Jacob that it's "bout dawn", which I guess is the closest we're getting to a title drop here. Jacob starts rhapsodizing about how Bella is looking so much healthier, specifically about the pink in her lips and the shine in her hair. Oh, and she's still drinking blood although she insists that omelets are for breakfast. Meyer, that joke is really getting old fast. Seth mentions that he brought Leah food, but she insisted that she'd rather eat roadkill. Jacob opts to join her.
As he goes off to hunt, Carlisle asks what the deal is with the treaty, since his family will have to go off and get some animals to nom on themselves. Jacob tells them that Sam will probably concentrate on protecting La Push and will take a "shoot first" policy if any vampires are caught. Go for La Push, Edward! I hear the deer are really tasty! Esme freaks out and starts begging Jacob to bring some people food with him. He mentions that she reminds him of his mother. Huh, so the pasty white vampire woman reminds him of his Native American mother who died so long ago that he seems to not remember her too much. Interesting.
Bella asks Jake to come back later, saying “Please? I might get cold.” You tease, no wonder he got freaked out over Seth!
ZeldaQueen: And that's that. I apologize, dear viewers, for a very boring session, however nothing happened here. Just wandering around and angsting and more confirmations of what's going on. I can only hope that something interesting happens in the next chapter. Does it?
Projection Room Voices: Erm...
ZeldaQueen: Jesus!
Projection Room Voices: If you're that bored, we can provide you with some other sporking projects to pass the time.
ZeldaQueen: *sighs* When this is over, I'm taking a three week vacation.
Onward to: Chapter 15: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
Back to: Chapter 13: Good Thing I've Got A Strong Stomach
Return to: Table of Contents
no subject
That could have been a bit of good drama, Jacob trying to see his father and having an argument. Instead we get needless wangst. Jacob is just a whiny emoteen runaway, "You don't understand, I can't go hoooome" and all that. Jacob, has Billy himself actually kicked you out?
Yes, of course he has an X-ray machine upstairs.
You know, I wouldn't put it past Carlisle (or is it headcannon!Carlisle, I like him) to have a collection of old medical machienery, but since I just made that up...
FAIL Meyer and your convenient plot devices. FAIL.
Also, BIOLOGY FAIL for Bella still drinking blood and getting better. And the rib thing.
Keep up the good work!
no subject
You know, if that were the case and if Bella (or Jacob) had some sort of interest in those sorts of things, that might have been kind of interesting. Ah well, Meyer probably would have gotten it wrong if she did.
I know, right? And Meyer really has no excuse, she's got children! She's been pregnant herself, she ought to know how it works! And yeah, I'm pretty sure that a broken rib is a LOT more painful than that.
Thanks! And thank you for reading! :)
no subject
so basically, it's a huge tactical disadvantage.
no subject
no subject
ETA: i'm not arguing that jacob isn't an asshole, just that there is a logical reason he wouldn't go home. =P
no subject
No, because according to Meyer, unless both parties are already in relationships, a boy and a girl can never have a purely platonic relationship. *snorts*
/Rosalie comes in as Jacob leaves, just in time for him to get in a blond joke. Get used to them folks, Meyer more or less uses Rosalie as this book's whipping boy/girl for her blond hatred. Edward chuckles at Jacob insulting Rosalie - isn't she Edward's sister? - and Rosalie shouts back that she's heard that one already./
Just another example of Meyer throwing the whole concept of family out the window. I don't care if Rosalie isn't Edward's real sister or if they hardly get along; she's still his adoptive sister and they live in the same house. Besides, I thought that Edward hated Jacob. But, oh, no, he'll gladly side with the "dog," just as long as Rosalie is the one being mocked. *growls*
Also, I hated Jacob's blonde jokes. I'm not even blonde and I found them to be obnoxious, offensive, and pitiful. Not to mention random - since when has Jacob hated blondes? People have said that Meyer doesn't like blondes or resented blondes in high school, and if that's true, then that's really sad.
no subject
Right. All of Bella's male friends in school want to get in her pants and Jacob went from being a friend to being a "love interest". Apparently two people of opposite genders are impossible to just stay friends. And given that Meyer's said that one of Bella's TEACHERS found her very attractive and that (or so I've heard) the original version of "Twilight" had her go to Forks because her stepdad was coming on to her...yeep!
"Just another example of Meyer throwing the whole concept of family out the window."
It seriously reminds me of "Hogwarts Exposed", when Hermione magically threatens Ginny and Ron LAUGHS. Once more, love interests > family.
I guess Meyer was going for the idea that Edward and Jacob were both angry with Rosalie for allowing Bella to go through with the pregnancy. But considering that both of them thought that a drugging and forced abortion were good options, that loses any weight it might have carried.
"People have said that Meyer doesn't like blondes or resented blondes in high school, and if that's true, then that's really sad."
Well it certainly seems true. She's really none too subtle about it.
Thanks for reading! :)
no subject
Oh, yes, I heard about that, too. Even though it would make Bella's angst about having to leave Phoenix more genuine and dramatic...seriously, Meyer, what on earth were you thinking?
/It seriously reminds me of "Hogwarts Exposed", when Hermione magically threatens Ginny and Ron LAUGHS. Once more, love interests > family./
Ugh, now I'm reminded of another annoying trend in Meyer's work. Not only is family seen as petty and disposable, but so is friendship. Bella completely ditches her friends the moment that she marries Edward. In Cassandra Claire's "Mortal Instruments" trilogy, the protagonist, Clary, constantly fails to stand up for her best friend, Simon, whenever her love interest, Jace, belittles him - even when he does it right in front of her! Simon is supposed to be her best friend, yet Clary utters not a peep of protest (or, when she does, it's temporary and half-hearted) whenever Jace or his buddies insult him. She just ignores it, says nothing, or goes along with it (just like Seth and the other werewolves go along with Sam's imprinting, even when it hurts Leah). And they're supposed to be best friends?
/Well it certainly seems true. She's really none too subtle about it./
Were all the girls who were mean to her in high school blonde? ALL of them? Really? Some of the mean girls in my high school were blondes, others were brunettes like me, most of them were white, some of them were black, a few of them were Asian, etc. Yet somehow I've managed to have friends who are blond, Asian, black, etc. without making stupid jokes about them because I realize that it's completely juvenile and immature! Yeah, those girls were bullies. Yes, they were annoying and mean. That doesn't give me the right to negatively stereotype other girls who happen to look like them.
no subject
Also brings "Rose Potter" to mind. Oh but hey - I've never read Cassandra Claire's work, but didn't Meyer say she was a fan? Might explain a lot.
It's hard to say. I've sporked the rants of a woman who seems certain that EVERY white man in existence is a rapist with no redeeming characteristics. People can get pretty weird. Or, it could have just been that Meyer never had any good experiences in particular with blonds. Or she's just really sucky with Take That's.