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ZeldaQueen: Well, I recently discovered the joys of Wordle and had a lot of spare time, so I copied and pasted all of my .pdf of Breaking Dawn into one. Let's see what we got, shall we?

Breaking Dawn Wordle

ZeldaQueen: Alrighty, let's have a look-see
  1. Edward's name is about twice the size of Bella's. That is, twice the size of the girl who is the narrator and the protagonist
  2. Bella's name is about the same size as Jacob's. Keep in mind that Jacob is the secondary love interest. So apparently he's mentioned about the same as the main character?
  3. Renesmee, who doesn't show up until the very end of the second part, is about the same size as Jacob as well
  4. The word "like" is second only to "Edward". "Eyes", "one", and "back" take third place
  5. Leah, the beta of Jacob's pack, is mentioned less than her little brother, Seth
  6. "Charlie" (Bella's dad who is oh-so-important to her) is smaller than "time", "just", "know", "see", and "way". He's about the same size as "Aro", who showed up for all of three or so chapters at the very end
  7. "Family", "trying", "help", "love", "give", and "smile"/"smiled" are among the smallest words there. Hmm...
Back to the Sporking Chamber
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ZeldaQueen: Howdy folks, here's where I post my final musings on Breaking Dawn. Enjoy!
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ZeldaQueen: Well, nothing to cap a terrible story off like the author roundabout praising themself through a series of irrelevant "thank you"s

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As always, an ocean of thanks to:

ZeldaQueen: “Me, myself, and I!”

My awesome family, for all their incomparable love and support.

ZeldaQueen Appaerntly they weren’t loving and supporting enough, since you saw fit to tell the entire fandom (and most of the world for that matter) how you want the perfect husband and children who are most assuredly not the ones you have.

My talented and hawt publicist, Elizabeth Eulberg, for creating STEPHENIE MEYER out of the raw clay that was once just a mousy Steph.

ZeldaQueen: Yes of course, emphasize how hot she is. And I know Meyer is implying that the publicist made her into this exciting celebrity-like figure from an ordinary housewife, but doesn’t that sound like Meyer thinks she became more beautiful as she became more popular?

The whole team at Little, Brown Books for Young Readers for five years of enthusiasm, faith, support, and incredibly hard work.

ZeldaQueen: Well they’re a publishing company. If I wrote a series that raked in as much dough as yours did, they’d be giving me five years of enthusiasm too.

All the amazing site creators and administrators in the Twilight Saga online fandom; you people astound me with your coolness.

ZeldaQueen: “They love me! They really love me!”

My brilliant, beautiful fans, with your unparalleled good taste in books, music, and movies, for continuing to love me more than I deserve.

ZeldaQueen: You’re darned right on that last one! And “beautiful” again! Stop it! Stop going on about how people look!

The bookstores who have made this series a hit with their recommendations; all authors are indebted to you for your love of and passion for literature.

ZeldaQueen: For heaven’s sake, just thank the world and be done with it! And again, they’re bookstores! They’re selling books for money!

The many bands and musicians that keep me motivated; did I mention Muse already?

ZeldaQueen: YES!

I did? Too bad.

Muse, Muse, Muse…

ZeldaQueen: *eye twitches* This is seriously reminding me of those Ariana Black “answering the fans” things.

New gratitude to:

ZeldaQueen: “Crest, for always providing me with superior toothpaste which keeps my smile sparkly! Without their enthusiasm for literature, I never would have had a bestselling series.”

The best band-that-never-was: Nic and the Jens, featuring Shelly C. (Nicole Driggs, Jennifer Hancock, Jennifer Longman, and Shelly Colvin). Thanks for taking me under your collective wing, guys. I would be a shut-in without you.

ZeldaQueen: I’m utterly confused. Who are these people?

My long-distance pals and fonts of sanity, Cool Meghan Hibbett and Kimberly “Shazzer” Suchy.

ZeldaQueen: I feel bad for those guys. The first person’s parents named her “Cool” and the second gal’s named “Suchy”. They must have been made fun of so much in high school.

My peer support, Shannon Hale, for understanding everything, and for feeding my love of zombie humor.

ZeldaQueen: Step away from the Zombie genre, Meyer. You’re nowhere near that league.

Makenna Jewell Lewis for the use of her name, and her mother, Heather, for her support of the Arizona Ballet.

ZeldaQueen: Ah, Makenna, the European nomadic vampire who makes an appearance for less than a page. What an honor. And Meyer, you only used the first name which belongs to the world. Unless you used her entire name, I don't think thanks are needed.

And why are you bringing the Arizona Ballet into this? This is really getting off-topic.

The new guys on my “writing inspiration” playlist: Interpol, Motion City Soundtrack, and Spoon.

ZeldaQueen: *hits head on wall*

The phenomenon continues. . . .

ZeldaQueen: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, HERE IT COMES!!!

STEPHENIE MEYER

ZeldaQueen: Is a misogynistic, narrow-minded witch.

the twilight saga:

ZeldaQueen: Is not actually a “saga”. Sorry folks!

the official guide

ZeldaQueen: What’s there to be a guide to? These things are more formulaic than a Dan Brown novel.

You may think you already know everything there is to know about the unforgettable world Stephenie Meyer created in Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, but this essential edition–the only official guide–will put your knowledge to the test! With character profiles, genealogical charts, maps, extensive cross-references, and much more, this comprehensive handbook is a must-have for every Twilight Saga fan.

ZeldaQueen: There’s also the internet. Because I’m pretty darned sure that there are sites that have plotted out all of this stuff already.

COMING DECEMBER 30, 2008

ZeldaQueen: Thanks! Now we know when to duck into the bunkers.

Check www.thetwilightsaga.com for details.

ZeldaQueen: Make me.


Onward to: Breaking Dawn Final Assessment 

Back to:
Chapter 39:The Happily Ever After

Return to:
Table of Contents

 

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Projection Room Voices: Well, you've done it. Once you finish this sporking, you'll have finished assessing Breaking Dawn. How do you feel?

Read more... )
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ZeldaQueen: Right. What do we have in store for the second-to-last chapter.

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Well last chapter was really useless but at least it ended with the implication that a battle was starting! And how exciting! Here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! What’s going on in this epic fight?

…Chelsea is trying to break their bonds. And…that’s just it. And she’s not even succeeding, because of Bella and her Sue-per Special mind shield. *eye twitches* Edward seems to realize for the first time that Bella has got everyone covered and is all appropriately amazed. I’m not sure why this is such a revelation for him, she he knew that Bella was practicing shielding everyone. Unless of course Meyer is trying to imply that she (Bella) continually failed at projecting the shield, in which case her sudden and complete mastery over the power is even more Sue-ish than I thought.

And then Jane joins in! Hooray, at least something is happening now! She’s trying to zap Carlisle, but of course he’s also in the shield and thus is protected. Apparently it is Volturi regulation for Jane to zap folks on trial so they can’t escape. I’m sorry, why exactly was it such a revelation to this people that the Volturi were evil? Anyway, this all completely befuddles Jane, who grows increasingly angry. Bella admits that “It probably wasn't very mature”, but opts to give Jane an incredibly smug smile. That’s nice Bella, why don’t you stick your tongue out at her while you’re at it? Ah well, on one hand I’m glad that she’s showing the faintest sign of a backbone. On the other hand, I’m banging my head against the wall because apparently the Cullens have flipped the light switch from “We’re all going to die!” to “Ha, this is easy!”

Anyway, Bella’s mockery doesn’t sit will with Jane, who lets out a shriek which causes all of the Volturi but Aro, Caius, and Marcus to jump. I have to admit, the visual imagery for that scene is pretty funny. Alec grabs Jane just as she’s about ready to leap over and kill Bella and the Romanians are all happy and laugh at the behavior of “the witch”. Alec meanwhile goes to calm his sister down and “tucked her under his arm” WAH?

ZeldaQueen: Meyer, I don’t think that’s the image you were looking for. Well anyway, it’s Alec’s turn. His power apparently manifests as a clear mist which is all shimmery. Benjamin notices it and starts whipping up gusts of wind to blow it away. When that doesn’t work, he opens up a crevice in the ground to try to stop it. If only he had the power of Heart, he could have just shouted “GO PLANET” and…never mind. Of course none of this works, but not to worry because Bella’s Sue-Shield holds up just fine. Somehow Bella is able to taste the mist when it touches her shield, which quite frankly sounds kind of dirty.

 Of course one can hardly open a big honking hole in the ground without anyone noticing and all of this stir has caused Aro, Caius, and Marcus to stop their orgy counseling and stare. Bella realizes that they’ve just had a taste of the Cullen side’s powers and that she will be the one they will all be targeting. WELL OF ALL OF THE ARROGANT - No, no, save the rant for an emergency. *deep breath* But really, the guy who can open a hole in the ground under the Volturi’s feet? The guy who can read minds? The wolves? Bella’s more important than all of them? Blah! Edward of course is struck with the thought that his Lady Love might be injured and insists on guarding her. Bella more or less tells him to bugger off. No, not exactly. She tells him to stop being silly and kill Dimitri, like they’d planned. Zafrina promises to keep Bella covered. Kate calls out that she’ll be killing Jane while the Romanians decide that they’ll be happy with taking down Alec. Tanya lays claim on Caius and everyone else starts picking out Volturi members that they have beef with and want dead. Oh man, can this be it? Can this be the big fight, at long last?

No! They’re just talking some more! Aro calls for them to finally vote on what to do with Renesmee (remember her?) Caius is of course all sadistic and evil and calls for her death. Marcus is bored and says that he sees no problem and that they can always come back later if there is. You know, considering that these people were supposed to be completely ignoring and twisting evidence to suit their needs, they seem to be failing spectacularly at achieving their goals. Anyway, the tiebreaker is left to Aro.

All of a sudden, Edward gets all happy and interrupts. He addresses Aro (does he kill him? Please?) and makes absolutely certain that the problem with Renesmee is her uncertain future - if they were to know how a half-human child grows up, there will be no issue. Why is this all being brought up?

Alice is back. Son of a bitch.

Yes, after being absent for all of these chapters, after we were repeatedly told how she was RUNNING FROM DIMITRI FOR HER OWN PROTECTION, Alice has returned with Jasper, Kachiri the third Amazon (who is also described as being all wild and exotic - by now we all know that going beyond stereotypes is too much to ask of Meyer), and two strangers. The one is an “olive-toned” female vampire. The other is a dark-skinned young man.

And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman's, though not as long. He was beautiful

ZeldaQueen: Yes Bella, of course he’s beautiful. And he’s most likely important to the story, since Meyer saw fit to grace him with such a ridiculously prose-filled description-dump. This dude and the female vampire are Nahuel and Hulien respectively and Alice has brought them to be witnesses. Caius is a pissy bastard over this and insists that there’s no time for more witnesses, but Aro is all cheerful and curious like the Dumbledore rip-off he is and lets them talk.

It turns out that Hulien is the aunt of Nahuel and she’s come to tell us a little about him. It seems that about a century ago, she was human and lived with her family. She had a sister who was named Pire, because of her snow-white skin. *blinks* In southern Argentine? No, no, it’s been commented on before (MEYER, WOULD IT KILL YOU TO INCLUDE ETHINIC PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALL SUPERSTITIOUS OR NOBLE SAVAGES???) Sorry! I’m holding it in. Back to the story, Pire was incredibly beautiful as is on par for a Meyer protagonist, but apparently this got her in a bit of trouble. She started to tell Hulien about how a “dark angel” came to her at night and they had a lot of fun. Apparently this Pire girl was like a South American version of Bella - even after the vampire (yes, we all know what it was) hurt her while they were screwing each other, she kept going on and refusing to listen to her sister’s warnings to stop going to the thing. And as a side note, they still refer to the vampire as a “libishomen” (*strangles bottle of water*).

As with Bell, Pire wound up pregnant by the vampire and like Bella was nuts enough to decide to have the kid. At least Hulien helped her escape to live in the forest where she wouldn’t be found instead of trying to force an abortion on her. Although given that they’re in the middle of a South American forest, the conditions for a pregnant woman in such terrible health doesn’t sound very…ideal. How did she survive with only one person looking after her? Ah well, it’s a story and since when has Meyer cared about details like those. Pire goes through the bone breaking and everything and still loves her Death Spawn and that’s why she names him Nahuel - after the jungle cat. As another side note, at least the meanings of these names are accurate for the meanings and area. So Meyer does know how to use Google.

Anyway, long story short, Pire dies during the chest-bursting childbirth and leaves her sister with the request to take care of the kid. Hulien agrees (which is more than Jacob can say, I might add) and we get a charming bit about how the baby bit her as she extracted it from her sister’s bloody remains, leaving Hulien to curl up in pain as she transforms into a vampire herself. That’s right, for whatever reason Nahuel can create vampires but Renesmee can’t. I have to ask though - for Bella at least it took several days for the conversion. Hulien tells everyone that Nahuel was curled up at her side when she was transformed. Who was caring for him for whatever length of time it took for her to change? They’re in a forest which presumably has animals and insects and not much food ready and he’s a newborn baby.

Aro decides to move things along to the question and answer session and WHERE IS THE FIGHTING!?!?!? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?! Sorry! Aro asks Nahuel a bunch of questions and we find out that Nahuel is about one hundred and fifty years old, has the ability to eat both blood and human food, and that he reached physical maturity after seven years, during which point he stopped aging more or less forever. Jacob actually shakes at this and I think we all know what’s running through his furry head.

…THAT’S SICK!!!

Nahuel (who, by the way has virtually no accent despite his aunt having a noticeable one), continues on to explain that his father is a vampire named Joham who considers himself to be a scientist of sorts - basically he goes around impregnating human women to have half-human children with them. Thus far, Joham has three daughters and Nahuel (who refuses to live with him). So this is where this stupid South American vampire/human hybrid legend comes from? *rubs head* And this is all news to the Volturi. So in their entire rein, they never had to go to South America to investigate or kill vampires there and thus never heard of this legend? I don’t…my head is going numb so I’ll just press onward.

Caius continues to be evil and suggests that they kill the half-vampires and go get the rest. Aro decides that Joham deserves a visit, but that the half-vampires are no threat. And then… *sputters* WHAT? EXCUSE ME! NO, NO, NO MEYER, YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS TO ME, NOT AFTER ALL OF THAT IDIOTIC AND TERRIBLE SETTING UP, I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS, I WON’T, I WON’T I WON’T

JESUS CHRIST ON A RUSTED POGO STICK SHE DID!!!

 Yes folks, the Volturi just GO HOME! That’s it! After all of that build-up, after all of the reassurances that they wouldn’t listen to evidence or reason and how they had so much power at stake, after all of that, we don’t get any epic battle or any sort of pay-off at ALL. Instead, we get this

“‘Is it really over?” I whispered to Edward.

His smile was huge. ‘Yes. They've given up. Like all bullies, they're cowards underneath the swagger.’ He chuckled.

Alice laughed with him. ‘Seriously, people. They're not coming back. Everybody can relax now.’

There was another beat of silence.

‘Of all the rotten luck,’ Stefan muttered.

And then it hit.

Cheers erupted. Deafening howls filled the clearing. Maggie pounded Siobhan on the back. Rosalie and Emmett kissed again–longer and more ardently than before. Benjamin and Tia were locked in each other's arms, as were Carmen and Eleazar. Esme held Alice and Jasper in a tight embrace. Carlisle was warmly thanking the South American newcomers who had saved us all. Kachiri stood very close to Zafrina and Senna, their fingertips interlocked. Garrett picked Kate up off the ground and swung her around in a circle.

Stefan spit on the snow. Vladimir ground his teeth together with a sour expression.

And I half-climbed the giant russet wolf to rip my daughter off his back and then crushed her to my chest. Edward's arms were around us in the same second.

“Nessie, Nessie, Nessie,” I crooned.

Jacob laughed his big, barky laugh and poked the back of my head with his nose.

‘Shut up,’ I mumbled.

‘I get to stay with you?’ Nessie demanded.

‘Forever,’ I promised her.

We had forever. And Nessie was going to be fine and healthy and strong. Like the half-human Nahuel, in a hundred and fifty years she would still be young. And we would all be together.

Happiness expanded like an explosion inside me–so extreme, so violent that I wasn't sure I'd survive it.

‘Forever,’ Edward echoed in my ear.

I couldn't speak anymore. I lifted my head and kissed him with a passion that might possibly set the forest on fire

I wouldn't have noticed.

ZeldaQueen: No pay off for all of that build-up. None. Nothing. Instead we get everyone waxing poetry about how happy they were to have survived despite there never being any signs that they’d actually be attacked JESUS! IT WAS BORING, IT WAS TERRIBLE, I HATED, HATED, HATED, AND WE DIDN’T EVEN GET ANYTHING WORTH SEEING!!! And Meyer was asked about why she dropped trow and wagged her butt at her audiences with this ending. What did she say?

“Why the big build-up for a fight that didn't happen?

I'm not the kind of person who writes a Hamlet ending. If the fight had happened, it would have ended with 90% of the combatants, Cullen and Volturi alike, destroyed. There was simply no other outcome once the fight got started, given the abilities and numbers of the opposing sides. Because I would never finish Bella's story on such a downer—Everybody dies!—I knew that the real battle would be mental. It was a game of maneuvering, with the champion winning not by destroying the other side, but by being able to walk away. This was another reason I liked the chess metaphor on the cover—it really fit the feel of that final game. I put a clue into the manuscript as well. Alice tore a page from The Merchant of Venice because the end of Breaking Dawn was going to be somewhat similar: bloodshed appears inevitable, doom approaches, and then the power is reversed and the game is won by some clever verbal strategies; no blood is shed, and the romantic pairings all have a happily ever after.”

ZeldaQueen: Yes, I agree that a kill-em-all isn’t always the best way to end things and there’s something to be said for a conflict to be won through wits. But there was none of that! Meyer all but screamed in our faces “THERE WILL BE A BATTLE!” but it wasn’t won with cunning, it was won through Alice and her stupid deus ex machina. Bella’s combat training, her resolve to fight for a change and be the one to take down some Volturi, everyone being so united, it meant nothing. Because none of them did anything! They just stood there! IT MAKES NO SENSE AND IT SUCKS AND I HATE, HATE HATE HATEHATEHATEHATE

HATE WITH THE PASSION OF A THOUSAND SUNS!!!!

Projection Room Voices: Oh dear, send in the medical personnel. Tell them to bring the liquid chocolate sedatives.

ZeldaQueen: HATE HATE HAAAA… *trails off as she is shot with a tranquilizer dart* Zzzzzzzzzz…


Projection Room Voices: Well, the chapter’s over and there’s only one left. Cut the tape and we’ll get on with this later.

Onward to: Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

Back to: Chapter 37: Contrivances

Return to: Table of Contents

 

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ZeldaQueen: Well the snack room is being fumigated for termites, so we might as well do another chapter here. Just two more after this one, right?

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ZeldaQueen: Right. Finally getting towards the end! What've we got this chapter?

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ZeldaQueen: Right, must be getting near the climax now. What do we have?
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ZeldaQueen: How many chapters after this one?

Projection Room Voices: Five.
Read more... )
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Projection Room Voices: You're ready awful soon.

ZeldaQueen: Well, my writing class was canceled and the sooner I do this, the sooner it's done.

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Projection Room Voices: We're terribly sorry, there seems to have been some sort of a mix-up. You have seven more chapters to spork after this one, not one. So sorry!

ZeldaQueen: What?!?

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ZeldaQueen: Well, there are only three more chapters after this one so I'm happy. What do we get?

Projection Room Voices: "Chapter thirty, in which more vampires show up and Renesmee is a Sue"

ZeldaQueen: Let's go!

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...

Chapter 30: Irresistible


ZeldaQueen: Oh, this does not sound good.

Well, with all that's been going on, poor Bella's empty head is now plumb full of questions. She's wondering specifically about this J. Jenks dude and why Alice wants Bella to track him down. She also wonders if there's the possibility that he's not somehow going to be helpful in saving Renesmee. Bella dear? This is all about saving your stupid baby! That's why the Volturi are coming and we all know that this is why Alice ran off!

Bella also worries about Tanya and Co making the same mistake Irina did and starting a fight. I'm...not too sure how that would work. Like I said, Renesmee is breathing and has a beating heart which vampires don't have, plus she grows about three inches a day. It really doesn't sound like it should be that hard to prove. Well, we have to have some sort of conflict, even if it is faux conflict. On that note, Bella also begins to worry about how useless she'll be in any upcoming fights. She wonders if she'll be able to handle any of the Volturi "
[o]r was [she] doomed to be totally useless?". Hint - it's that one! Seriously folks, remember the days when Bella went on and on about how if only she were a vampire she was so certain she could be able to protect herself and save her friends and everything? Bull I said then and bull it is now.

Bella tells us how she put Renesmee to bed at the cottage (in the most boring manner possible) and then goes back to Edward for answers. She mentions that it's very hard to keep secrets from him anyway, even with her mind blocked to him. *Rubs head* How is this healthy? Well, it doesn't matter. She literally gets two words out before Edward jumps across the room and they have sex. No, really.

"
He spun and was across the room in what seemed like no time at all, not even the smallest part of a second. I only had time to register the ferocious expression on his face before his lips were crushing against mine and his arms were locked around me like steel girders.

I didn't think of my questions again for the rest of that night. It didn't take long for me to grasp the reason for his mood, and even less time to feel exactly the same way. I'd been planning on needing years just to somewhat organize the overwhelming passion I felt for him physically. And then centuries after that to enjoy it. If we had only a month left together… Well, I didn't see how I could stand to have this end. For the moment I couldn't help but be selfish. All I wanted was to love him as much as possible in the limited time given to me.

It was hard to pull myself away from him when the sun came up, but we had our job to do, a job that might be more difficult than all the rest of our family's searches put together. As soon as I let myself think of what was coming, I was all tension; it felt like my nerves were being stretched on a rack, thinner and thinner
"

ZeldaQueen: FOCUS, BELLA, FOCUS!!! Your daughter is apparently in grave danger and you all are anxious and upset and you just got done angsting about how you don't know how to fight and probably will be dead weight in battle and all you and Edward can think about is sex? I know Meyer's trying to get the "we're going to die, let's have one more fling" bit going, but has it ever crossed any of these people's empty heads that if they spent this time screwing to, oh I don't know, think of battle plans or strategies or train or something, they'd probably stand a better chance of not dying!

GOD!!!!

ZeldaQueen: And on top of all of that, it's horribly harlequin and reminds me of Victoria Todd. *shudders* Well it's over, thank god, and they hurry and get dressed so that they don't miss their guests. As this goes on, Edward wishes that he knew what Alice wanted him to ask Elezar, so he could ask it beforehand just in case they get freaked out by Renesmee and leave.

As they leave the cottage, Bella asks Edward to teach her how to fight. He starts to flip his lid and tells her that if it did come to fighting, none of them would stand a chance, basically implying that it would do no good to teach her. EXCUSE ME? WHAT SORT OF LOGIC IS THAT??? If someone's coming to kill you, whether or not it's futile, it's best to know how to help yourself out in battle!!! Are you so desperate to have you wife dependent on your heroics that you don't want her to learn to take care of herself Edward? Hmmm? It's only one of the reasons she's been whining about being changed!

And in yet another rare instant, Bella and I agree on something. She points out to Edward that futile or not, it's rather assholish to leave her unable to defend herself. No, she doesn't use those exact words but if she had a spine, you know she would.

"
I wondered what I could do that would have any hope of making a difference. I was a tiny bit special, in my own way–if a having a supernaturally thick skull could really be considered special. Was there any use that I could put that toward?"

ZeldaQueen: Yes Bella. You can use that super-speshal thick skull of yours to head-butt Aro. He'd go down like bowling pins. And a tiny bit special? Dear, you're a Sue. Please stop trying to hide it.

Bella and Edward start talking about the Volturi members and their fighting abilities, which they should have done last night, but I digress. Bella says that Edward gives his lines "
emotionlessly, like we were talking of a basketball team". Given how boring these characters all are, I fail to see how that's any different than usual (that, and "emotionlessly" isn't a word). Turns out that Alec and Jane are the "offensive players" and that their defensive players "rarely see any real action". Let them hang around Bella and Edward for a few seconds, they'll see plenty. Meyer also uses this opportunity to remind us about everyone's powers - how Jane has the power to mentally burn people and that Alec is pretty much the "antidote". He can completely shut off everyone's senses and just leave them standing there. Also, Jane can only fry one person at once while Alec can get a ton of people.

Bella starts to show something akin to survival skills and actually forms something of a plan - since Aro and Jane can't get through her thick skull, perhaps Alec can't either. Bella bets that he's completely dependent on using his powers for fighting and thus would be useless at actual hand-to-hand. If that's the case, then she could take him down and give the Volturi a huge blow in battle (no, not that kind of blow). Edward of course wigs out at the thought of his Lady Love fighting at all and goes on about how it's so unlikely that Bella could be trained enough to try that in a month. *tiredly* Edward, what did I just yell at you about just giving up? Bella shows a rare instance of common sense and a little independence and points out that it's the best chance they have. When he keeps freaking out, she actually tells him to be reasonable and I'm kind of pleased with her actually once again sticking to her guns and not crying about how they are doomed, woe is them. Edward finally agrees but makes her promise not to sacrifice herself for them. Don't worry Edward, Meyer didn't get her pet Sue through three books and that terrible childbirth just to kill her here.

And...what do you know? Bella continues to actually be useful and starts figuring out battle plans for taking out Alec and Jane. She then starts trying to figure out what other Volturi members she could be immune to. She decides to leave the "
huge" Felix to Emmett (despite the fact that she bested Emmett not too long ago) and decides to take down Dimitri so that Renesmee would be able to escape and so Alice and Jasper would be free. Because of course they only ran away out of fear and not because they might have a plan or anything. Edward interrupts to inform her that he'll be killing Dimitri as a favor for Alice. And since Bella wasn't actually saying any of her plans, this is just yet another example of how True Loves always think exactly the same things. Just look at Peter and Charlotte.

Bella asks Edward why Alice would have them ask Elezar anything and he replies that Elezar used to be a member of the Volturi. Wait, wait, wait a second. You've spent all of this time wondering what you would need to ask Elezar. You know that the Volturi are after you. And you knew that he was a member of the Volturi. You don't suppose it has anything to do with the Volturi, like why so many are coming for one Immortal Child or what their weaknesses are or anything, do you? Bella meanwhile drops her semblance of sense and gets all angry at the thought of the "
beautiful dark-haired man" being in the Volturi. Because only ugly people can be Evil Catholics Vampires. Edward assures Bella that Elezar is very gentle and left the Volturi when he met his wife, Carmen, and that the two were both very compassionate and easily fit into Tanya's Vegetarian Vampire routine. Uh huh. Once again, True Love cures all ills and the Volturi are just so evil that the one good member leaves. Bella meanwhile finds it hard to believe that anyone can be a member and be good. How understanding of her.

It turns out that Elezar wasn't a warrior, but had a power which Aro liked - he could sense what powers other vampires had. Hmm, doesn't this sound like a convenient plot point set-up? Usually Aro used this power to figure out if a vampire had a power worth taking in or if a human would have a power when they were bitten. Bella is surprised that they just let Elezar leave and Edward replies that "
The Volturi aren't supposed to be the villains, the way they seem to you. They are the foundation of our peace and civilization. Each member of the guard chooses to serve them. It's quite prestigious; they all are proud to be there, not forced to be there". Wah - ? I'm befuddled. This entire series, Edward and the other Cullens seemed to be terrified and cautious around the Volturi. From what we've seen, the Volturi use any and all excuses to kill people, including Bree and Bella. And now Edward is basically patting Bella on the head and going "Oh, you silly girl, I know they might seem evil to you but they're not really!" I could understand if they looked bad to Bella but other vampires saw them differently. It would be like a cultural difference. But from what I understand, every other vampire is terrified of them as well! How does that make sense?

Well, finally stuff starts to happen as they get ready for Tanya and Co to arrive. Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee wait in the dining room while Edward waits in the hall to let them in. Bella tries to remember what the vampires were like at the wedding, but once again goes on about how fuzzy and murky her human memories are and can only recall that they were beautiful. Bella, that's kind of a given with these vampires. Renesmee is also un-childlike and
feels sad about how she's not human, vampire, or werewolf. This might actually have been kind of sad, but it's almost immediately skipped over in favor of Bella going on about how special her daughter is.

Tanya and Co get there and Edward lets them in. The visitors figure out pretty quickly that something's wrong and Edward starts to go on about how they're all in danger, yadda yadda yadda, but he needs to show them something and to please be open-minded about it. One of the women asks him "
Where's your Bella?" (because of course women are the property of their husbands) and Edward goes on about how she's just so special as a newborn. Edward asks them to listen and they hear Jacob's heartbeat and some kind of "thrumming", which they assume to be a bird. Erm, does a child's heartbeat sound like a bird's fluttering? They are then asked to smell and immediately they catch Renesmee's Unique and Special scent which gets them all surprised. Edward once again tells them to hear him out before they act and they promise and he has Bella bring the baby out.

Immediately of course everyone wigs out and Jacob speaks for me when he mutters "
oh please". Edward has to shout at everyone to remember what they heard and smell because apparently these people can't continue to hear a heartbeat, feel heat, or smell a strange new smell from two feet away. This calms everyone down and we get Edward's shorthand explanation (which leaves out how he wanted the kid aborted and tried to get Bella to sleep with Jacob) and then there's a jab at Tanya and Kate for sleeping with me. Apparently there are few human survivors to their "trysts", which begs the question of why no one seems to notice an awful lot of men disappearing wherever this coven lives.

Carmen starts to stop being ridiculous and goes to examine Renesmee. She's quickly sucked under the Sue Spell and goes on about how pretty the baby is and how she has Bella's eyes, etc. Renesmee uses her power to show Carmen everything and Carmen is all amazed and says that Renesmee's givft "
could only have come from a very gifted father". *scowls* I'm not even going to go into that one. Elezar, Tanya, and Kate are also shown and long story short, everyone is oh-so-amazed and astounded but of course believe Edward now.

Tanya figures out that the danger is the Volturi and Bella notes that only the Volturi have a chance of defeating her family and thus are the only ones who could be dangerous. Why you arrogant - AUGH! Edward tells them about how Irina started it all and instantly Tanya and her covenant all start getting angry with their sister for doing that. Once again, lovely how family ties are so important here, Meyer. Irina just saw what she thought was a very dangerous creature that caused the death of her mother and very narrowly caused the death of her sisters and herself. While I agree that it was stupid of her not to find out more information before running off, she was obviously conflicted and meant the best. And Tanya and Kate just start jumping over her for this.


Edward informs them that all of the Volturi are coming - once again taking time to specify the wives - and this freaks everyone out. Elezar wonders why "
would they put themselves and the wives in danger?. And the wives? I'd be offended, but all I can think of is one of the vampires shouting "Save my friends! And Zoidberg!".

Tanya quickly jumps on the "we're all doomed, woe is us" train, saying that there's no way to beat the Volturi. She adds that the four of them probably deserve to die after Irina betrayed the Cullens like that. What?!? What sort of out-of-date common sense is that? Tanya and Co aren't Irina, they didn't tell her what to do, and they had no part in what she did. That's like saying that Mark and Nate Phelps deserve to be dragged through town by wild horses because of what their dad does. And like I said Irina made a mistake. She was not actively going out to hurt the CullensWould it kill you to stand by your sister and not jump on the "oh, the Cullens are wonderful, we must agree with them if we want to be right" bandwagon?

Edward tells the coven that they just need to act as witnesses, saying that Renesmee is indeed not an Immortal Child. Everyone agrees to this of course and Tanya and Kate express a desire to fight if the Volturi insist on doing so. We get beat over the head once more with how danged irresistible Renesmee is, as Carmen insists on carrying her around, and Bella hopes that this irresistible-ness is enough to ensnare Aro. I guess this is supposed to be what the title refers to. Meyer, for future reference, the title ought to be what the entire chapter is about. Not a few sentences towards the end.

Oh, and Bella is actually starting to feel good about this all and then the little emotional development we get is flushed right down the tubes because she remembers "Alice left, we're doomed oh woe is us".


ZeldaQueen: Right, three chapters to go! I can make it! Hang in there people!

Onward to: Chapter 31: Talented

Back to: Chapter 29: Defecation Defection


Return to:
Table of Contents

 
zelda_queen: (Default)
ZeldaQueen: Well, the conflict appears to be on the move! I hope that now that it's here, it'll be fast and fun and make up for this sorry excuse for a book.
Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)
ZeldaQueen: Well, it looks like things might finally be picking up! Let's go!
Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)
Projection Room Voices: Up for another chapter?

ZeldaQueen: It's not going to be really silly and pointless, is it?

Read more... )Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)
Projection Room Voices: Before we begin this session, we'd just like to inform you that the trailer for Eclipse is out.

ZeldaQueen: Huh *watches* I find it laughable that they have the nerve to use the phrase "It started with a choice". And Jacob's "I might be better for you" bit might be more believable if we all didn't know what is going to be happening.
Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)
ZeldaQueen: Might as well get started on another chapter, just seven more chapters after this one.

Projection Room Voices: That's the spirit! "Chapter twenty-five, in which Charlie is let in on a secret".
Read more... )

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