zelda_queen: (badfic)
ZeldaQueen: You guys, it is time for us to embark on a long and Sue-filled journey. We are starting off with the first book ever written by PC Cast. Is it as bad as House of Night? There is but one way to find out, so let us begin!
At Least There Are No "We HEART You!"s... )
zelda_queen: (Spork)
ZeldaQueen: Hey, everybody! It’s this thing, again. I know, I know, I abandoned this series for ages and now I’m starting over instead of doing Chosen. I’m sorry! It’s just that I’ve been reading ahead, and there are a lot of things I should have covered in the first two book sporkings but didn’t. And so I decided it would be easier to just restart the sporkings, instead of spending a ton of time pausing to go over stuff from several books back.

Joining me for this new sporking is the wonderful Ruin Takada! Give this dude a big round of applause, ladies and gentlemen! He’s willingly going into this and taking down the House of Night!

Ruin: It’s true. I’m actually here of my own volition.

ZeldaQueen: Ready to get started? *cracks knuckles*

Ruin: *silently resists the urge to weep* Yes.

Nothing Says "Professional" Like "We Heart You!" )
zelda_queen: (Zelda Queen Spork)
ZeldaQueen: Well, no wank fantasy is complete without the Suethor thanking her adoring public, so let's get to sporking that!

Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)
ZeldaQueen: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time. With Marked having been slain, we must now venture forth into the vile wasteland that is Betrayed. And mother of God, is this a stinker! We get all of the same obnoxious characters, horrible behavior, dead herrings, and forgotten plot as before, and now with even more Mary Sue fanfiction cliches! So let's dive right on into Betrayed! 

Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)
ZeldaQueen: Hello everyone, and a very happy new year! It's a time to start new things, and that includes sporkings! Thus, we are starting on yet another piece of original fiction. This one was brought to my attention by Miss [livejournal.com profile] shaolina, and boy is it a stinker. Let us begin to tear into Marked, the first novel in the House of Night series

Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)
ZeldaQueen: And now it's time to see who the peons little people who helped Meyer along the way are!

Read more... )
zelda_queen: (Default)

ZeldaQueen: Well, nothing to cap a terrible story off like the author roundabout praising themself through a series of irrelevant "thank you"s

Read more... )

 

As always, an ocean of thanks to:

ZeldaQueen: “Me, myself, and I!”

My awesome family, for all their incomparable love and support.

ZeldaQueen Appaerntly they weren’t loving and supporting enough, since you saw fit to tell the entire fandom (and most of the world for that matter) how you want the perfect husband and children who are most assuredly not the ones you have.

My talented and hawt publicist, Elizabeth Eulberg, for creating STEPHENIE MEYER out of the raw clay that was once just a mousy Steph.

ZeldaQueen: Yes of course, emphasize how hot she is. And I know Meyer is implying that the publicist made her into this exciting celebrity-like figure from an ordinary housewife, but doesn’t that sound like Meyer thinks she became more beautiful as she became more popular?

The whole team at Little, Brown Books for Young Readers for five years of enthusiasm, faith, support, and incredibly hard work.

ZeldaQueen: Well they’re a publishing company. If I wrote a series that raked in as much dough as yours did, they’d be giving me five years of enthusiasm too.

All the amazing site creators and administrators in the Twilight Saga online fandom; you people astound me with your coolness.

ZeldaQueen: “They love me! They really love me!”

My brilliant, beautiful fans, with your unparalleled good taste in books, music, and movies, for continuing to love me more than I deserve.

ZeldaQueen: You’re darned right on that last one! And “beautiful” again! Stop it! Stop going on about how people look!

The bookstores who have made this series a hit with their recommendations; all authors are indebted to you for your love of and passion for literature.

ZeldaQueen: For heaven’s sake, just thank the world and be done with it! And again, they’re bookstores! They’re selling books for money!

The many bands and musicians that keep me motivated; did I mention Muse already?

ZeldaQueen: YES!

I did? Too bad.

Muse, Muse, Muse…

ZeldaQueen: *eye twitches* This is seriously reminding me of those Ariana Black “answering the fans” things.

New gratitude to:

ZeldaQueen: “Crest, for always providing me with superior toothpaste which keeps my smile sparkly! Without their enthusiasm for literature, I never would have had a bestselling series.”

The best band-that-never-was: Nic and the Jens, featuring Shelly C. (Nicole Driggs, Jennifer Hancock, Jennifer Longman, and Shelly Colvin). Thanks for taking me under your collective wing, guys. I would be a shut-in without you.

ZeldaQueen: I’m utterly confused. Who are these people?

My long-distance pals and fonts of sanity, Cool Meghan Hibbett and Kimberly “Shazzer” Suchy.

ZeldaQueen: I feel bad for those guys. The first person’s parents named her “Cool” and the second gal’s named “Suchy”. They must have been made fun of so much in high school.

My peer support, Shannon Hale, for understanding everything, and for feeding my love of zombie humor.

ZeldaQueen: Step away from the Zombie genre, Meyer. You’re nowhere near that league.

Makenna Jewell Lewis for the use of her name, and her mother, Heather, for her support of the Arizona Ballet.

ZeldaQueen: Ah, Makenna, the European nomadic vampire who makes an appearance for less than a page. What an honor. And Meyer, you only used the first name which belongs to the world. Unless you used her entire name, I don't think thanks are needed.

And why are you bringing the Arizona Ballet into this? This is really getting off-topic.

The new guys on my “writing inspiration” playlist: Interpol, Motion City Soundtrack, and Spoon.

ZeldaQueen: *hits head on wall*

The phenomenon continues. . . .

ZeldaQueen: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, HERE IT COMES!!!

STEPHENIE MEYER

ZeldaQueen: Is a misogynistic, narrow-minded witch.

the twilight saga:

ZeldaQueen: Is not actually a “saga”. Sorry folks!

the official guide

ZeldaQueen: What’s there to be a guide to? These things are more formulaic than a Dan Brown novel.

You may think you already know everything there is to know about the unforgettable world Stephenie Meyer created in Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, but this essential edition–the only official guide–will put your knowledge to the test! With character profiles, genealogical charts, maps, extensive cross-references, and much more, this comprehensive handbook is a must-have for every Twilight Saga fan.

ZeldaQueen: There’s also the internet. Because I’m pretty darned sure that there are sites that have plotted out all of this stuff already.

COMING DECEMBER 30, 2008

ZeldaQueen: Thanks! Now we know when to duck into the bunkers.

Check www.thetwilightsaga.com for details.

ZeldaQueen: Make me.


Onward to: Breaking Dawn Final Assessment 

Back to:
Chapter 39:The Happily Ever After

Return to:
Table of Contents

 

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